LNH: 58.5 #22
lalo.martins at gmail.com
Fri Feb 1 12:05:11 PST 2008
[semi-Acraphobe warning: nudity, graphical violence, sexual
suggestions, nothing too serious I think]
"That's a hero's death", said the humanoid kiwi.
"I'd agree if I agreed with the field at all", answered
Sgt. Lauro Graziani, a few breaths away from his death after
being blasted by a powerful Evilverse LNHer. "As it is, I think
it's a coward's choice, and I'm not prepared to die for it.
Help me out here?"
"What are you trying to do?"
"I have a small statue in my pocket. A god I've chosen to
worship and who has been pretty good at protecting me. I want
to do a small ritual."
Howie dug into the charred uniform and produced a small black
figure. "Is that it?"
"Aha", said Lord Loeb, the aforementioned Evilverse villain,
tearing open a door. Howie threw himself at him, taking him by
surprise and knocking him back a bit.
"My Lord and protector", whispered Lauro, holding his statue
tight on his burned hand and tracing symbols on his blood with
the other one. (That's not really what he said, but we'll
translate form Italian for your benefit.) "Your essence flows
through me and into the ground. Your resemblance is in my hands
as it is in my heart. Your sacred instruments of trade are held
next to my body, where I have always faithfully carried it, as I
have faithfully carried your word and will." The small figure
glowed a bit, and the ritual knife he carried in an inner pocket
grew warm. "All my life I've worked to bring back your name,
and now I lie here to die, in a time and in a way that is most
unfitting, in a time and place where your power and presence
would be most needed. Please don't allow the death of your son
to be in vain. I know you hear me, because you're in my flesh
and in my breath *COUGH* and in my heart and in my blood, so let
your will be done and if it pleases, use my dying body to--"
And then he exploded in a strong red light, and an awful noise
like a thousand death screams. The car he was in was blasted
away. His charred body was lifted in the air by the light and
the screaming, and everything but his knife was stripped away,
and his body was remade. Stronger. Larger. The light and
sound didn't so much disappear, as they converged into him and
disappeared into his eyes and mouth. And then a large,
muscular, handsome man, tanned and scarred skin, long unruly
hair and a deep fire in his eyes stood there, holding a
strange-looking sword in his head and looking at the others.
"I AM LARAN", he said in a booming voice, "GOD OF WAR, AND YOU
HAVE INVITED MY FURY."
"Dude", said Howie. "As much as I hate to repeat myself...
Who Cares Studios divinely presents...
/ ____( __ ) / ____/
/___ \/ __ | /___ \
____/ / /_/ / ____/ /
Dressed for Success
by Lalo Martins
Part 5 of Beige Twilight
When the New Misfits arrived for the rescue, they found a blast
circle of molten and re-solidified metal, a most disturbing
scene inside it, and Bandwagon Chick just sitting there trying
"Wow", said Analytic, "Is that a naked Etruscan god?"
"Yeah", mumbled Bonnie, "Laran, god of war."
"And Lauro summoned him?"
"And he killed the Evil Kid Kirby?"
"And now he's fighting Evil Ultimate Ninja by himself?"
"So it seems."
"And that person in black fighting Howie K.--"
"Evil Ordinary Lady."
Ordinary Lady ducked a flying kick, then just stopped. "Wow. I
feel so tired all of a sudden. *Yawn*"
Smiley had, of course, sneaked behind her. Smiley's t-shirt read:
Howie K. promptly knocked her out. Ordinary Lady, not Smiley.
Blur enveloped Ultimate Ninja and tried hard to get inside his
mind, while a sudden cloud of pollen tried to get inside his
lungs (courtesy of Green). He ducked between two Big Gun blasts
and threw his hand to tear out Laran's heart -- but of course,
not even the best ninja can pierce a god's skin with his bare
hands, and that is not the best ninja (we all know the best
ninja is the *real* Ultimate Ninja!). He stood surprised by a
split second, during which Old Ugly ate his left leg.
"Eeew", made Bonnie.
He coughed pollen and Laran decapitated him.
The New Misfits formed in a half-circle in front of the naked
man. He, however, seemed less interested, cleaning his sword on
the dead ninja's clothes.
"Well?", asked Blackbird.
"What?", asked Laran.
"I don't know. You're a god of war, right? Aren't you going to
be furious with us for interfering with your fight now?"
He laughed out loud. "Fear not, young hero. Strategy and
teamwork are as much attributes of war as is individual valor,
and you more than proved yourselves."
"So what happened to the Graziani noofer?", asked Locked Room.
"He died", Laran said matter-of-factly. "With his dying breath
he pleaded me to use his body for... he didn't have time to say
for what, so I chose creatively."
"Of course", said Bonnie.
"So you're planning to stay around?", Blackbird asked.
"Certainly! You and your people need my assistance now, it
would be most cowardly to abandon you!"
"We should work on getting you a costume", said Daniel.
"What for?", asked Bonnie. "He looks just fine." Locked Room
nodded, and Smiley's t-shirt reflexively turned to:
"I shall do no such thing", he said. "This is my sacred armor
and I shall join battle wearing nothing else." The girls tried
hard to suppress a victorious smile.
"Dude", said Howie, "You can't just be walking around the city
"You may be right, o feathered fighter, but I have no intention
to spend my time 'walking around the city' either. And I'm sure
my attire will do just fine in battle, in strategy meetings, in
victory celebrations, and the brief periods of rest during which
I shall watch over you."
"It *may* cause a bit of problem in strategy meetings", Smiley
said, not very loud. The other girls, having moved more or less
together, had heard her.
"Sprok da, that will have me thinking all the wrong kinds of
fighting, spring?", Locke said, elbowing the other in the ribs.
Blackbird just sighed.
"They got us locked in a force field", said Evil Fearless
Leader, "and they killed Ultimate Ninja and Lord Loeb."
"They can't beat us", said Evil(er?) Irony Man.
"Did you just hear me say Ultimate Ninja and Lord Loeb?"
"I can resurrect them", Evil Stomper reassured them.
"That's beside the point. Those are two of our heaviest
hitters, and the same person killed them both."
"Beginners luck?", tried Irony Man.
"So it stands to reason", said Stomper, ignoring him, "that that
person is the target to eliminate."
"You don't need to tell me that. But what if we can't?"
"Well, as much as I hate to say it, Irony Man is right on that
one. One person, god or not, can't possibly defeat the whole
LNH at the same time."
"And the force field?"
"We're working on it. Myself, Irony Man, Contraption Man."
"So it will be broken."
"I'm not certain. It may be impossible."
Fearless Leader grew very red. "That's not what I want to hear,
"Yes, but you do tend to kill people who lie to you."
"Well. As other universes before them, if they do stop our
conquest, they will learn the price. Do you have the Star
Blaster prepared to wipe out their whole star system?"
"I'm afraid that wouldn't be able to pierce the shield either",
said Doctor Stomper. "But this may be the perfect opportunity
to test something else I've been working on."
"Yeah? Will it be enough revenge?"
Evil Doctor Stomper smiled an evil smile.
"Show me", said Fearless Leader.
Providentially, the whole conversation was happening in Doctor
Stomper's lab (our Stomper's lab, now taken over by his
Evilverse counterpart). He just opened a box and revealed an
odd-looking device, not much bigger than a regular wallet.
"What do you call it?"
"The Ultimate Gnab."
"That's the stupidest name I've--", said Irony Man, before
Stomper disintegrated him with the press of a button on his
"Thanks, the noise was getting to my nerves. What is an
"It's an universe collapser. I like to think of it as the Big
Bang, in reverse, and with the speed turned up a hyperillionfold."
"Hiperillion is not a number."
"Why do you bother me with details?"
"Point taken. So, if we can't break the shield, we implode
"Sounds like a plan."
Kiwi Kiwii Kiwi Howie K. mine
Sgt. Lauro Graziani Laran, god of war mine
Bonnie Chique Bandwagon Chick Sue Clark's
Meredith Samuels Analytic mine
Sue Jagger Smiley mine
Blur Blur mine
Green Delaware Tree-Hugging Kid mine
Daniel Hunt Contraption Boy mine
(unpronounceable) Locked Room mine
Old Ugly mine
Blackbird Jones Blackbird mine
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