REPOST: LNH: Easily-Discovered Man #19

EDMLite robrogers72 at
Thu Dec 11 11:37:55 PST 2008

Why should Arthur have all the holiday re-posting fun?

Here's a blast from the past, in the spirit of the season...

    Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore Wong gained the
ability to glow and be detected at great distances by anyone
with a Geiger counter.  Together with his sidekick Lite, his
intern Cynical Lass, and fellow hero Substitute Lad, Wong wages
a constant battle against the forces of corruption, chaos and
common sense as the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.

-------Previously on "The Adventures of Easily-Discovered

        After following the dreaded Waffle Queen to her Net.York City
Easily-Discovered Man and Lite confronted both the Queen and her long-
father -- Deathstocker -- who sought revenge on our heroes for the
destruction on the Pocket Bureaucracy and his own imprisonment in
Easily-Discovered man managed to defeat Deathstocker's plan to remove
heroism from the Looniverse, but paid a terrible price: he has been
transformed into a rational human being, with no desire to live life
as a
net.hero.  That transformation has left Easily-Discovered Man Lite to
spend his super-heroing career -- and the holidays -- alone.

 The Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man #19
                     "The Last Noel"
      Plot:                                     Script:
      Rob Rogers                                Rob Rogers

        'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the land
        Not a creature was stirring, even UnSleeping Man
        Net.ropolis glistened 'neath layers of white
        And the streets blinked and twinkled with holiday lights
        The Legion base rippled with tinsel and holly
        Even Ultimate Ninja was said to be jolly
        In fact, every hero was brimming with cheer
        (As one might expect at this time of the year)
        Except me.  You see, I was lacking employment
        My job, and well, truthfully, all my enjoyment
        Was serving as sidekick to this super-hero
        Whose courage was great, though his powers were zero
        And assisting that fellow in all his inanity
        Til that fateful day he recovered his sanity

        So I spent Christmas eve in a bar by the river
        Drinking pop, watching other men kill off their livers
        When what face to my wondering eye should appear
        But a known super-villain consuming a beer
        With a gun in his belt and a beer in each hand
        I knew in a moment it was Can't Get a Break at the Lights, Man
        He spoke not a word, but kept straight to his drinking
        He drained half of Milwaukee without even blinking
        Then reeling and staggering, drunk out of his mind
        He walked out the door, and I followed behind

        "Some Christmas," he muttered. "I'm poor and I'm broke.
        "My wife threw me out and my life is a joke.
        "My career as a villain has gone down the drain
        Think I'll shoot up the city and blow out my brains."
        "Nice speech," I piped up. "It should win you a RACCie.
        "But your plan, I must say, is a little bit wacky.
        "I realize Nirvana's made suicide chic
        "And your life ain't been all that you hoped for this week
        "But consider this thought before shooting away:
        "As bad as your life could be O.J."

        "What is this?" he said, "_It's a Wonderful Life_?
        "I don't need your jokes or your smarmy advice.
        "Stay out of my way while I paint the town red
        "Or I'll wipe off that grin with a volley of lead."

        With that he hurried forward, his eyes like burning coals
        To blast the living daylights from some jolly happy souls
        I didn't know if I could stop him, or if he would win the
        But I knew one thing: Net.ropolis would have no silent night

        He ran on down the streets of town, right to the traffic cop
        But he only paused a moment when the trooper hollered "stop!"
        The policeman saw the villain's gun and both men reached to
        With a flash and a roar the city lost an officer of the law

        Beneath the plaza Christmas tree the gunman took position
        He shot at nuns and homemakers, at lawyers and physicians
        He was drunk and scared and tired, but he never lost his aim
        And rich or poor, naughty or nice, he shot them just the same
        I hid behind the courthouse steps and strained to catch his
        And oe'r the sound of gunfire, this song is what I heard:

        "O little town of Net.ropolis, how still I see you lie
        "From homes so bright you've come tonight to watch me as I die
        "And though it seems a pity on Christmas to be dead
        "With each dead jerk there's much less work for the fat guy
        in the sled."

        At the sound my throat constricted and I called out to the
        "I'd say, 'don't quit your day job,' but your day job's just
as bad.
        "If shooting unarmed people is the best that you can do
        "Then I've known Vienna choirboys with bigger stones than

        Can't Get a Break at the Lights, Man whirled and swore into
the night
        "You've got a lot of big words, kid, for someone who's named
        "If you're so brave and fearless, I'll offer you a deal.
        "I'll let these lovely shoppers go for the chance to make you

        "You let me turn your head into my personal pinata
        "And all these folks'll see another New Year, like they
        I swallowed hard and sweated, racked my noggin for a plan
        I tried to think of what I'd do if I were Superman
        "C'mon, Lite," the villain said.  "The night is getting cold."
        "Oh what the hell," I said.  "It's better this than getting

        "That's the Christmas spirit!" said my killer as he drew
        "You make me proud that I will spend my last Noel with you.
        "So here's my season's gift to you: before the bullets fly,
        "I'll let you say whate'er you want to say before you die."

        He waited, gun in hand and I
        Looked death itself right in the eye
        And hoped by all Christmases past
        I'd find a way to save my butt

        "I don't know much," I finally said
        "About what's there inside your head
        "But as long as you and I've been foes
        "When something happened you opposed
        When life and people raised your ire
        "You always fought fire with fire
        "You lashed out at the stuff you hated
        "Like a hornet that was constipated
        "Until at last you got your way
        "But now you want to run away.
        "You'd rather die than take a stand
        "Rather kill yourself than be a man
        "I thought that you had something more --
        "-- You're not the man I fought before."

        With that, I waited to be shot
        While the killer wavered, lost in thought
        At last, he brought his weapon down
        He gently placed it on the ground
        And fleeing the sirens of incoming cops
        And waving goodbye, down a manhole he dropped
        But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he dropped out of sight,
        "You've defeated me now, but I'll be back for you, Lite!"

        I remained there in the plaza, helping those who could be
        While countless silent victims were transported to their
        I wondered how the media would show it on the news
        Some lurid bit of violence the anchormen could use
        They'd say it was a massacre, a Christmas tragedy
        But I knew that after what I'd seen, although I might agree
        That any day might have its share of horrors, wars and crimes
        Yet any Christmas you're alive's a merry Christmas time.

        All characters (c) the author.

        "When you're between any sort of devil and the deep blue sea,
deep blue sea sometimes looks very inviting."
                --Terence Rattigan

        Happy holidays to everyone on the other side of the screen...

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