LNH: LNH Comics Presents #121

[Martin Phipps]

Monday, April 65th, 2007

10:15 am

  Deja Dude sighed as he addressed his class.
  "As this is now the 65th day of April," he said, "we
shall have our final exam in two weeks."
  "BOO!" his students said.
  "I would have scheduled the exam next week but
classes are cancelled here in Taiwan as a result of
the Dragon Boat Festival."
  "BOO!" his students continued.
  "Thus three weeks from now you will come back here
and I will tell you all who passed and who failed."
  His students fell silent.
  "I thought that would get your attention."

Three weeks later...

Monday, April 86th, 2007,

10:15 am

  Deja Dude stood in front of his class.
  "Okay, now, first two students," he said and then
called out their names.
  Two students stepped forward.
  "I have only one picture in my hand."
  "Huh?"
  "This is the picture of the one of you who actually
passed this course."
  "What?"
  "The one who's picture I don't have must immediately
pack her bags and register to take this class next
year.
  "Who shall it be?  The one who never studied or the
one who simply isn't very bright?"
  One of his students raised her hand.  "I studied!"
she said.
  Deja Dude rolled his eyes.  "That's right.  You're
the one who isn't very bright."  He pulled out her
picture.  "But apparently bright enough."
  "You mean I passed?" she asked.
  "Yes," he said.  "Congratulations.  You actually
stand a chance of getting your degree one day."

  Deja Dude went to sit behind his desk.  He called
the names of three more students and had them sit down
in front of him.
  "Amongst the three of you, one of you will fail. 
The other two will go on and perhaps graduate one day.
 Who should it be?"
  "It shouldn't be me!" one of them said.  "I did all
my homework!"
  "Yes, but you copied from him," Deja Dude said,
pointing to another student.
  "That's not true!"
  "Am I right?" Deja Dude asked the other student. 
"Remember, my decision may rest upon whether or not
you are honest with me."
  The other student nodded.  "It's true," he said.
  Deja Dude nodded.  "So why shouldn't I have you
fail?"
  "But I did do my homework!"
  "And how do you think I knew he copied?" Deja Dude
asked.  "It was because your answers were always
wrong!  Who did you guys think you were fooling?  What
are the odds that two people would always have the
same wrong answers?"
  "But... but..."
  "Enough!" Deja Dude said.  "I've made my decision." 
He pointed to the first student.  "You're fired!"
  "Huh?"
  "I mean 'You failed.'  Sorry."
  "Okay."

  Deja Dude dismissed all three students and called
another student before him.
  "You didn't pass your exam."
  "Please, Sir..."
  "You know what that means..."
  "I'd do anything!"
  "Anything?"
  "Anything!"
  "Okay."  Deja Dude nodded.  "Sing for me."
  "What do you want me to sing?"
  "You decide."
  The student thought for a moment.  "How about 'My
Heart Will Go On'?"
  "Okay."
  The student cleared her throat.

  "Every night in my dreams
  "I see you, I feel you,
  "That is how I know you go on
  "Far across the distance
  "And spaces between us
  "You have come to show you go on
  "Near, far, wherever you are
  "I believe that the heart does go on
  "Once more you open the door
  "And you're here in my heart
  "And my heart will go on and on"

  "Okay, okay," Deja Dude said.  "That's enough!"
  "Did I pass?"
  "Absolutely not."
  "What?  Why?"
  "You were off key.  You didn't know the melody.  And
there were parts that were just skreechy."
  "I can try again with another song!"
  "No!  No, thank you!  That's enough!"
  "But Sir!  Please!"
  Deja Dude dismissed the student and called another
one before him.
  "Do you want me to sing?" he asked.
  "Nope," Deja Dude said.
  "What then?"
  Deja Dude produced a plate of food from his desk. 
There was no telling how long it had been there.
  "What is that?" the student asked.
  "Pig intestines," Deja Dude said.  "Raw pig
intestines."
  "You want me to eat that?" the student asked,
reluctantly.
  "Yes," Deja Dude said.  "And you've got five
minutes."  He activated his stopwatch.

  The class continued this way for over an hour, until
finally it was past 11:59 am.

  "Well, so now all of you know who passed and who
failed."
  "Yeah," half the class said sadly.
  "So now you may all go home.  I expect to see all of
you next year, many of you returning for this exact
same --"
  And, just like that, he was gone.

  Meanwhile, in Netropolis, 12 time zones away,
wReamHack knocked on Cannon Fodder's door.
  "Come in!" Cannon Fodder said.
  wReamHack poked his head in.  "Hey, Canny..."
  "Yeah, wReam?"
  "I've been thinking: we really should have told Deja
Dude he was leader today.  I mean he never even got to
prepare before he disappeared at midnight."
  Cannon Fodder shrugged his shoulders.  "Too late now
though."

                LNH Comics Presents #121

              Infinite Leadership Crisis #86
          
                   "Deja Dude's Day"

                        THE END

Martin... just acted out some wish fulfillment after
marking everybody's exams.  Man... did they ever suck!


       
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