SG/REPOST: A Very Spoonman Christmas (1995)
Greg Fishbone
gfishbone at gmail.com
Sun Dec 23 17:09:31 PST 2007
SG: A Very Spoonman Christmas (1995)
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Pretty self-explanatory... This infomercial originally aired on
Superguy during the 1995 holiday season and includes a cameo by
Mickey Dunne as a ten-year-old superhero fan. It makes me wonder
what Shadoe Stevens is up to these days.
[December 23, 1995 - Dillweed City, NJ]
SHADOE:
Hi, I'm Shadoe Stevens here at the Ancient-Indian-Burial-Grounds
Mall in beautiful Dillweed City. It's a wonderful day, the plastic
trees are laced with fake snow, and the toy store windows are
crammed with the new Talking Spoongirl dolls. Aren't they cute?
SPOONGIRL DOLLS:
We're not cute!
MALL SHOPPERS:
Awwwwwwwww!
SPOONGIRL DOLLS:
Shut up!
SHADOE:
How adorable. And look! Is that Spoonman, the world's greatest
superhero-slash-rock-star-slash-author-slash-soon-to-be-actor,
dressed in a plaid Santa costume? It is! Let's listen in on this
great and generous hero, shall we?
SPOONMAN (to little boy):
Ho! Ho! Ho! And what official Spoonman merchandise do you want
SpoonSanta to bring you this year, Mickey?
MICKEY:
Well, I'd like the new Spoonman Rocket Car, of course. The old one
I have from last year is obsolete....
SPOONMAN:
Right, we added those little yellow racing stripes this year,
didn't we?
MICKEY:
Uh-huh. I also want the special edition Road Race From Hell(TM)
Spoonmobile(R) R/C, the Spoonman vs. Flatphoot, Admiral Morgan, and
Satan T. Lucifer Jones Video Game, the Spoonman Meets the Pope
trading card set, and, well, everything else on this list here.
SPOONMAN:
Conveniently sorted by UPC code, I see. Well, you must have been a
very good boy this year to deserve all of these fine Spoonman-
related items.
MICKEY:
I did my best, sir.
ASTATINE:
Yeah, and he didn't trick Ammy with even one of those practical
jokes he tried to pull on her!
MICKEY:
Thank you so much for reminding me of that, Teeny.
ASTATINE:
You're welcome.
SPOONMAN:
I think Santa will be able to bring everything on this list, except
for the Spoonman Flaming Arrow Playset. That's been pulled from
the market for some reason. Do you have one of your parents'
credit cards with you?
MICKEY:
I sure do!
SHADOE:
Isn't this a touching moment? Let's go in for a closer look as
Spoonman runs a credit check on Mickey's parents.
SPOONMAN:
Okay, it took! Expect a UPS delivery on Christmas morning!
MICKEY:
Yay!
ASTATINE:
Uranium-Phosphorus-Sulfur? I don't see how that's possible...
SPOONMAN:
And what is your name, little girl?
ASTATINE:
Astatine. I'm Mickey's cousin.
SPOONMAN:
Great, I think there's still a little room on the credit card!
What Spoonman-related merchandise do *you* want for Christmas?
ASTATINE:
I don't celebrate Christmas. I'm a Publican.
SPOONMAN:
Oh. What do you celebrate then?
ASTATINE:
Nixon Day!
SPOONMAN:
Eh?
ASTATINE:
You know, Nixon Day, when Richard Nixon sends his Magic Plumbers to
leave gifts for all of the good children of the world and subpoenas
for all the bad ones!
SPOONMAN:
Oooooookay.
MICKEY:
Nixon's dead, Teeny. He's been dead for months!
ASTATINE:
He is not! He just came out with a new movie! And Uncle Phil says
I can camp out in his study on Nixon Day Eve -- maybe I'll even get
to see G. Gordon Liddy when he comes by to pick the lock on the
filing cabinet! Yay!
MICKEY:
Whatever. Come on, Teeny, we'd better find my mom before she
realizes that her MasterCard is missing!
SHADOE:
My, but those kids were cute. Say, SpoonSanta, I've been a pretty
good boy this year myself. Mind if I sit on your lap and tell you
what I want?
SPOONMAN:
Bwah? What are you, some kind of sick, twisted pervert?
SHADOE:
No, I'm Shadoe Stevens.
SPOONMAN:
The guy I hired for the SpoonMusic infomercial?
SHADOE:
That's right. In fact, we're filming it right now!
SPOONMAN:
D'oh! Er, I mean, ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Sure, Shadoe, sit down on my
lap -- but don't try any funny stuff.
SHADOE:
You know, Spoonman, with all of the sub-standard Christmas music in
the stores this holiday season, it's difficult for most people to
choose the right music to play at holiday parties, to give as
gifts, or to include in motion picture soundtracks. With your
staggering intellect and remarkable knowledge of the music
industry, I'm sure you must have some suggestions.
SPOONMAN:
That I do, Shadoe. As with all consumer-related spending, your
best bet is to always look for the Spoonman label and the official
Spoonman endorsement seal. This year, there are dozens of new
Spoonman Christmas albums to appeal to small children, unruly
teenagers, normal-aged people, and even really old people!
SHADOE:
Spoonman Christmas music! What a wonderful gift idea for friends,
loved ones, or even total strangers! Spoonman, you are every bit
the genius that everyone says you are.
SPOONMAN:
Thanks.
SHADOE:
Say, I just happen to have some music clips from some of your
recent albums... Would you mind if I played them?
SPOONMAN:
Go right ahead. I love to hear the sound of my own voice!
SHADOE:
Uh-huh. I tell you, if I had a wonderful nasal twang and thick New
Jersey accent like yours, I don't think I'd ever stop talking. And
on top of that being able to sing in that unique off-key, out-of-
tempo style that's become your trademark... Spoonman, you are
truly gifted.
SPOONMAN:
I work hard at it, Shadoe, but it's worth it if it brings a little
enjoyment into the otherwise empty lives of my legions of fans.
What are you going to play for us first?
SHADOE:
I thought I'd start with something off the *Spoonman and the
Chipmunks Very, Very, Very Merry Christmas Album*. I know it's an
old classic that most people must know by heart already, a
perennial holiday favorite since its release last month, but every
time I listen to it I hear something new, just like it's the first
time all over again.
SPOONMAN:
Wow. How many times have you listened to it?
SHADOE:
Just the one time. This little clip comes from track 3, "Deck the
Malls".
MUSIC CLIP (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"):
SPOONMAN: DECK THE MALLS WITH DOLLS OF SPOONMAN!
CHIPMUNKS: FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA!
SPOONMAN: HE'S EVEN BETTER THAN TIM THE TOOLMAN!
CHIPMUNKS: FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA!
SPOONMAN: SPOONMAN DOLLS WON'T BURN OR BLOW UP!
CHIPMUNKS: FA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA!
SPOONMAN: THEY JUST MIGHT LAST UNTIL YOU GROW UP!
CHIPMUNKS: FA-LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA, LA-LA!
SHADOE:
Wow. And, of course, that's only a small sample of the song.
SPOONMAN:
That's right, Shadoe. The full version has 57 verses, each one
describing a different Spoonman product. We just kept going until
we ran out of tape.
SHADOE:
And there's even a handy mail-order form included in the liner
notes, a convenient time-saver for last-minute shoppers who leave
at least six to eight weeks delivery time before the holiday! Tell
me, what was it like to work with the Chipmunks?
SPOONMAN:
It's just not the same since the boys hit puberty. Sure, the
surgery and helium implants keep their voices high, but Alvin's got
that silly-looking goatee, and Theodore must weight three-hundred
pounds by now! And you know that's not the original Simon...
Turns out it's really Michael Jackson in a fur coat!
SHADOE:
But he's almost as good, and I hear the original Simon will be
eligible for parole in less than three years. Say, I have another
music clip here that I'd like to play. This is from your *Silver
Spoons and Sleigh Bells* collection of traditional Christmas
carols.
MUSIC CLIP (to the tune of "The Twelve Days of Christmas"):
ON THE FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...
A CARTRIDGE AND A PAIR OF SKIS!
(*DONG!*)
ON THE SECOND DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...
TWO PURPLE RUGS, AND A CARTRIDGE AND A PAIR OF SKIS!
(*DONG!*)
ON THE THIRD DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...
THREE FRESH PENS, TWO PURPLE RUGS,
AND A CARTRIDGE AND A PAIR OF SKIS!
(*DONG!*)
ON THE FOURTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...
FOUR FALLING TURDS, THREE FRESH PENS, TWO PURPLE RUGS,
AND A CARTRIDGE AND A PAIR OF SKIS!
(*DONG!*)
ON THE FIFTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS MY TRUE LOVE GAVE TO ME...
FIVE MOLDY RINGS!
FOUR FALLING TURDS, THREE FRESH PENS, TWO PURPLE RUGS,
AND A CARTRIDGE AND A PAIR OF SKIS!
(*DONG!*)
ON THE SIXTH DAY OF CHRISTMAS--
JEEZ, HOW MANY DAYS DOES THIS HOLIDAY HAVE?!!
SHADOE:
(Light chuckle) The answer, as we found out from the song, is 31.
SPOONMAN:
Yes, it took me a while to get into that song, but once I did I
just went with it.
SHADOE:
Of course most of your songs are not grand epic ballads like those
two. You also have some shorter songs that are just as masterfully
recorded. In particular, I'm thinking of "Silent Night" from the
*Chorus of Spoonman* album. Now, could you just briefly explain
the concept of the *Chorus* album for the two or three people who
might have been living under a rock since the landmark debut about
fifteen minutes ago?
SPOONMAN:
Sure. Basically, it's a simple idea. Some songs sound better when
sung by a whole bunch of people rather than just one, even if that
one is, say, me. So, for each song I recorded eight separate vocal
tracks, which were then expertly mixed together to make *A Chorus
of Spoonman*, literally.
SHADOE:
Amazing. And I understand you worked as the sound engineer on this
recording as well?
SPOONMAN:
Yes, I did. The studio soundman walked out of the session for some
reason, and I can assure you that he'll never work in the music
industry again! It turns out we didn't need him anyway, since any
monkey can mix tracks together.
SHADOE:
All right, let's take a listen to "Silent Night"...
MUSIC CLIP:
[Totally unintelligible voices layered over each other with flute
music in the background.]
SHADOE:
And there you have it! Spoonman, your talent knows no bounds! And
I'm not just saying that because you're paying me.
SPOONMAN:
Thanks, Shadoe, you're too kind.
SHADOE:
You did get another sound engineer, of course, so that you could
concentrate on singing and promotions and occasionally saving the
world, right?
SPOONMAN:
I live on a tight schedule, Shadoe. In fact, I'm scheduled to save
the world again in about ten minutes.
SHADOE:
Well then, I'll try not to have this infomercial run over by *too*
much. You know what I've always respected about you? Your ability
to keep up with rapid changes in technology, whether in crime-
fighting, toy manufacturing, cape-design, or music recording.
One of the latest trends in music has been to mix old tracks from
deceased artists with new tracks sung by living artists to create a
song that is collaboration and tribute at once. Natalie Cole did
this with her father's music, and had a huge hit with
"Unforgettable". The three remaining Beatles were able to
incorporate a John Lennon demo into "Free as a Bird". And a whole
bunch of people were able to use this technique to sing duets with
Frank Sinatra, who isn't dead yet, but isn't exactly a pleasant
fellow to share a recording booth with. Why don't you tell us
about your take on this trend.
SPOONMAN:
You mean, *Christmas Crooners: Spoonman Sings with Bing Crosby*?
Yes, that was a fun album. I was a little skeptical when they
suggested it to me -- heck, I wasn't even sure who Bing Crosby was
at the time -- but the whole project came together like magic.
When I heard the finished project, about a month after the recording
session, I was blown away. Our voices meshed perfectly, though of
course mine was slightly better.
SHADOE:
Naturally. I have a music clip here from track 6. Ladies and
gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a special treat: two of the
greatest voices in recording history, together for the first time!
MUSIC CLIP (to the tunes of "Let it Snow" and "The Fat Albert Theme"):
BING CROSBY: OH THE WEATHER OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL,
SPOONMAN: HEY! HEY! HEY!
BING CROSBY: BUT THE FIRE IS SO DELIGHTFUL,
SPOONMAN: IT'S FAT ALBERT!
BING CROSBY: AND SINCE THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO,
SPOONMAN: AND I'M GONNA SING A SONG FOR YOU!
BING CROSBY: LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!
SPOONMAN: AND WE'RE GONNA SHOW YOU A THING OR TWO!
SPOONMAN: TAKE IT AWAY, BILL COSBY!
BING CROSBY: YES SINCE THERE'S NO PLACE TO GO,
BING CROSBY: LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!
SPOONMAN: YEAH! NA-NA-NA, GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIME!
SHADOE:
That was truly touching. I could feel the love you put into that
track.
SPOONMAN:
It did come out rather well, didn't it? One of the projects I'm
working on now is a duets album with Elvis.
SHADOE:
So you've released 27 Christmas albums this year, the names of
which are scrolling across the screen right now. And yet, you're
also had time to continue your phenomenal pop music career. How do
you do it?
SPOONMAN:
Easy. Unlike a lot of these so-called musicians, I don't have a
huge, out-of-control ego. These guys spend months in the recording
studio, polishing their material, working the same song over and
over again until they get it just so. Me, I'm so talented that I
can get it right on the first try, so that I can record an entire
album in about the same amount of time as it takes to listen to it.
Heck, on a good day I can record ten complete albums!
SHADOE:
That's why you're The Man.
SPOONMAN:
I'd also like to point out that I don't just make Christmas albums.
I also released *It's a Spoonman Kwanzaa* and three separate
Chanukah albums. I believe that it's important to recognize all
people, even those who believe in unpopular religions, because
after all, they have money too.
SHADOE:
So very true. Why don't we take a listen to a clip from *Spoonman
Will Sing Chanukah Songs But Don't Ask Him to Get Circumcised*?
This is track 8, entitled, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Dreidel".
MUSIC CUT (to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over by a Raindeer"):
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A DREIDEL
WALKING HOME FROM OUR HOUSE CHANUKAH NIGHT
YOU MIGHT THINK THOSE THINGS ARE SMALL AND PLASTIC
BUT THIS ONE WEIGHED TEN TONS AND LIKED TO FIGHT
GRANDMA'D EATEN TOO MANY LATKIES
AND WE BEGGED HER NOT TO GO
SHE SAID SHE'D LEFT HER MENORAH BURNING
SO SHE STAGGERED OUT THE DOOR INTO THE SNOW
WHEN WE FOUND HER THE NEXT MORNING
AT THE SCENE THAT HAD BEEN WROUGHT
SHE WAS CRUSHED UNDER THAT DREIDEL
BUT SHE'D WON ALL OF THE PENNIES IN THE POT
GRANDMA GOT RUN OVER BY A DREIDEL
WALKING HOME FROM OUR HOUSE CHANUKAH NIGHT
YOU MIGHT THINK THOSE THINGS ARE SMALL AND PLASTIC
BUT THIS ONE WEIGHED TEN TONS AND LIKED TO FIGHT
SHADOE:
That gave me goosebumps. Spoonman, that remake was about a million
times better than the original version.
SPOONMAN:
There was an original version?
SHADOE:
Heh! You're such a kidder.
SPOONMAN:
No, really, was there?
SHADOE:
We still have some time left... Are there any other projects
you're working on that you want to tell people about?
SPOONMAN:
Well, Shadoe, there is one album in the pipeline that I'm
especially proud of. It's a collection of commercial jingles, you
see.
SHADOE:
Commercial jingles? Why did you record those?
SPOONMAN:
It's something of a personal statement against commercialism.
These people are concerned with nothing more than selling their
soap and their breakfast cereals and their underarm deodorant,
while I am more interesting in enriching people's lives. I like to
think that I make a difference in the world, whether by being a
hero, by making music, or by selling Spoonman-brand soap, Spoonman-
brand cereal, and Spoonman-brand underarm deodorant. So I've taken
these commercial jingles and altered their entire purpose, so that
instead of making money for fat, lazy corporations, they make money
for me!
SHADOE:
Spoonman, you are a living saint. What are we going to hear?
SPOONMAN:
This is a cereal commercial from the 1980's, recorded by the rock
group, Journey. They even released it on one of their albums!
Take a listen to my version.
MUSIC CLIP (to the tune of "Don't Stop Believing"):
WORKING HARD TO GET HIS FIX
SILLY RABBIT WANTS SOME TRIX
DOING ANYTHING TO EAT THAT CEREAL
JUST ONE MORE TIME
HE'LL NEVER WIN
HE'LL ALWAYS LOSE
SILLY RABBIT BORN TO SING THE BLUES
AND THIS COMMERCIAL NEVER ENDS
IT GOES ON AND ON AN ON AND ON!
RABBIT, WALKING, UP AND DOWN THE BREAKFAST AISLE
HIS CEREAL TAKEN BY THE KIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDS! ACK!
*COUGH-COUGH-COUGH* WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY WARN ME ABOUT THAT NOTE?
SHADOE:
Amazing. Simply amazing. You are a visionary. Well, that's all
the time we have in this half-hour visit with Spoonman, the man of
Christmas and every day of the year. Until next time, keep
listening and keep buying!
SPOONMAN:
Whew, I'm glad that's over with! Now get off my lap, you sicko! I
think my legs have fallen asleep!
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY CHANUKAH, JOYOUS KWANZAA, CHEERFUL NEW
YEAR, AND AN INDICTMENT-FREE NIXON DAY!
--
Greg R. Fishbone - http://gfishbone.com
* Author: THE PENGUINS OF DOOM - http://septinanash.com
* President: Class of 2k7 - http://classof2k7.com
* ARA: New England SCBWI - http://nescbwi.org
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