LNH: Master Blaster in "Dyawanfriwitha?"

Jamas Enright thad at eyrie.org
Fri Nov 24 15:46:55 PST 2006

Master Blaster in "Dyawanfriwitha?"

"I didn't think the Ultimate Ninja would've let you take a
flight.thingee out," wReanna said, looking admiringly at her husband.
       Rob grinned and held up a hand, first and middle fingers crossed.
"Ninj and I are like that," he boasted, refraining from adding that he
was the thumb. What his wife and, more importantly, the ninja didn't
know, he couldn't be beheaded for.
       "But why this all of a sudden?"
       "What? I can't do something nice once and a while?"
       wReanna looked at Rob with an eyebrow raised.
       "Honest. I just wanted to get away, just the two of us, go out and
have a nice meal somewhere."
       wReanna continued to look at Rob, but quickly the look changed
from one of scepticism to that of love. "Oh, Rob, it's not often we can
just get away like this. The girls and I often talk about the sort of
gestures we like guys to make, and this is certainly one. You know..."
she added casually, "New Look Lass has been coming up with some new
designs for nightware..."
       Rob's grin ratcheted up a few more notches. "Well, if you like, we
could ditch dinner plans and head right back-"
       wReanna raised a hand. "First dinner, and then we'll see," she
said sternly, but her eyes sparkled enticingly.
       Rob gave the flight.thingee an extra burst of thrust. Given the
sub-orbital flight path he had programmed, he knew it shouldn't take too
long to get to their destination, but suddenly his mind wasn't entirely
on dinner any more.
       The flight.thingee arced gracefully through the air, and soon
enough (although not according to some) it was headed back down and
towards the target.
       "Where are we going, anyway?" wReanna asked, peering out through
the windshield. Unfortunately, it was dusk she couldn't make any
distinguishing features out.
       "There's a place I was told about. Has the most fantastic food
ever created on the planet. Every bite is a taste explosion. We'll be
there in a moment."
       wReanna gave another thoughtful look to her husband. This
certainly wasn't his usual tactic. His usual idea of a good night was
eating takeaway Chinese, watching Commando, and then, as it were,
enjoying her until the morning. Which, she has to admit, wasn't exactly
unpleasant for her, but every now and then something different was
       As the flight.thingee landed, she subtly adjusted her simply
gorgeous dress to show off another inch, and fussed with her wrap. Rob
had chosen to go with a tuxedo, and she admired the lines that fitted
him well... and snugly.
       With the flight.thingee locked down, Rob held out his arm,
allowing wReanna to fold her arm around it, then led her down the small
gangway. wReanna looked around, eager to espy the upper class restaurant
they were undoubtedly destined for, but couldn't see it anywhere nearby.
       "Is it far?"
       "Just around the corner. I want you to get the full impact of
seeing this place for the first time."
       wReanna felt a tingle of joy run through her, and they quickly
stepped to the end of the block, and swung around the last building to
       wReanna spun to glare at Rob, saw he was staring raptly, and
smacked him on his arm to get his attention. "You brought us here to go
to THAT?"
       Rob turned to wReanna, genuinely surprised. "Yeah. I've heard that
the cuisine is 'stupendously amazing'."
       Ignoring for the moment the fact that her husband had actually
used the word 'stupendously', wReanna turned her head back to make sure
they were looking at the same thing. "The Racoon City Waffle Hut?? I
admit wasn't exactly expecting _Fettucini's_, but..."
       "What? It's a nice place!" Rob said, finding himself on the
defensive. "Some place special for the two of us to share each other's
company, away from the LNH..."
       wReanna sighed. She had to admit the concept of the outing was
still appealing, even if the particular locale didn't live up to her
expectations. And she would get to spend some time with her husband...
Relinking her arm in his, she started walking again. "All right, let's
go in. But next time, I choose the restaurant."
       Rob's grinned returned. Although he would never tell anyone,
whenever his wife was angry with him, it cut right through him. Yes, it
gave fire to her eyes, and her forcefulness was damn attractive, but he
was happier when she was too. It was probably just his MacDaddy vibes
messing with him.
       Inside the restaurant they paused to allow their eyes to adjust to
the sudden brightness. Rob looked around, checking out what other people
had ordered. wReanna was acutely aware of how dressed up they were
compared to the jeans and t-shirts of those around them. And there was
something else about the people that she couldn't quite put her finger
       Reaching the ordering counter, they were greeted with the glazed
stare of a long-time minimum wager earner. "HellocanItakyorordrplse?"
she monotoned.
       Scanning the pictures, Rob said "Er, yes, I'd like the... Waffle
Palooza... with a side of waffle dips... and a jug of... waffle juice,
       The drone tapped buttons on the console. "Dyawanfriwitha?"
       Rob shrugged. "Yeah, sure, why not?"
       The drone finished typing, then turned to wReanna. Aware of the
feeling of grease already coating her skin, wReanna said, "I'll take
a... green waffle... the low sodium waffle slivers... and a low-cal, fat
free, no salt, dethickened thinned non-gelatinous, pickle empty glass of
life juice, please."
       More buttons were hit, finishing with 'water'. "Dyawanfriwitha?"
the drone said flatly.
       "I didn't ask for fries," wReanna pointed out. She received a
slow-blinking stare, and clarified "No."
       As the order was processed in what passed for the kitchen, wReanna
peered around again, still feeling something was off, and not just the
probable lack of hygiene. The people around her seemed normal enough,
eating and talking... although, as she stared, she couldn't actually see
anyone talking. Mouths were just opening and closing to eat more food,
but no actual conversations were taking place. Yet, she could hear
murmurings. She couldn't, admittedly, make any actual words out, but...
       And then there was the eating. People took a bite of food, chewed,
swallowed, then went back for another bite. Almost mechanically. There
weren't any signs the people actually enjoyed their meals, just the same
blank glazed looks on their faces as the girl serving them. Almost as
       Rob picked up the tray, and nudged his wife. "Come on, honey. I
see a free table over there," he indicated with a nod of his head.
Distracted, wReanna followed him as he led the way to the booth, and
helped to distribute the plates.
       Rob drooled contemplating the food before him, then decided to
start with his favourite. Grabbing a handful of fries, he raised them to
his mouth... and then a hand clamped on his arm, making him close his
mouth on empty air.
       "What?" he snapped, immediately frustrated by fries-deprivation.
       "Rob," wReanna hissed. "Something is very wrong here. These people
are drugged."
       Rob finally looked at the other patrons. "What? They're eating
food. Look fine to me."
       "But it's the way they are eating food. It's wrong."
       Rob frowned, but turned to stare at their next-booth neighbours.
There were many reasons they had made it as a couple, and one of which
was that while she did state the obvious, he didn't always see the
obvious. Finally, he became aware of the mechanical eating process, and
the odd disconcert between hearing conversation but not actually seeing
anyone talk.
       He sighed, and pushed his waffle away. "And I'm hungry, too," he
pouted. "Hey, perhaps the fries are fine?"
       "It's the fries I'm most suspicious of," wReanna said. "Not
everyone ordered the same meal, but everyone is having fries."
       "Oh, man! They drugged the fries? That's going too far." wReanna
blinked and then Rob was holding a 12-guage shotgun. "It's time to...
um... little help?"
       "Er... lose a little weight?" wReanna offered. Seeing Rob's
shocked look, she added "What?"
       Rob shook his head, now wasn't the time to discuss that particular
comment, but soon... "No, it's time to clean up this joint."
       "Shouldn't we help these people first? And I'm sure they already
have cleaning staff." Unfortunately the "obvious" meaning of metaphors
weren't usually the useful ones.
       "Yes, okay. Now it's time to help these people. Is there any
particular gun you'd like?"
       "I doubt we'll be needing any guns. Whatever's going on here
shouldn't pose any problems for us... oh, cute!" wReanna finished as Rob
held up a pink snub-nosed pistol for her. As she took it, she gave Rob a
Look. "Now, this isn't..."
       "Don't worry. Rubber bullets all around."
       Sliding out of the booth, the pair strode to the middle of the
restaurant, and posed. "Listen up, people! I am Master Blaster and this
is Sister State-the-Obvious. We've uncovered a serious problem with
drugged food here that we will put a stop to at once!"
       As great as speech was (or was not, as the case may be), no-one
took any notice of them. Even the drones behind the counter didn't
register them.
       "People, listen up!" Master Blaster shouted again, considering the
effect a blast into the ceiling would give. "There is a serious problem
here! Come on, people! Don't mess with us! We're with the LNH!"
       That did get a reaction. As one, every person in the restaurant
turned their heads to look at the two heroes, opened their mouths, and
screamed. Although, given the ear-splitting pitch and horrendous volume,
the word 'screeched' would be apt. (And the overall effect was even
worse considering that not everyone had empty mouths at the time.)
       Master Blaster and Sister State-the-Obvious clapped their hands to
their ears, without dropping their guns in the process. "The name 'LNH'
set them off!" Sister State-the-Obvious yelled over the din.
       Fortunately, the screeching stopped. Unfortunately, the people
started moving. Slowly, they manoeuvred their way out of the booths,
limbs jerking crazily as they bent to tasks not used for eating. Men and
woman, kids of all ages, all stumbled onto the floor and began lurching
towards the pair in the middle.
       "Oh, crap!" Master Blaster swore. "They're zombies!"
       "Zombies? Perhaps they're just lame."
       "Frickin' lame zombies is what they are, all right." Taking aim at
the nearest patron, Master Blaster unloaded his shotgun right in the
man's chest. He collapsed backwards, falling in an ungainly heap on the
floor. But as soon as he stopped moving from the shot, he started moving
from the drugs, and clambered to his feet to start slouching towards
Master Blaster again.
       "Rubber bullets ain't gonna cut it, love," Master Blaster said,
the shotgun in his hands glowing momentarily. "There's only one way to
deal with zombies!"
       He raised the gun and took a bead on the approaching man's head...
and then the shotgun was snatched from his hands. Hands gripped his
head, and then he found himself face to face with his wife. "Rob, they
aren't dead. They are just drugged," she hissed at him.
       At that moment, the zombies moaned. It started as a low sound that
rose to a load roar before tailing off in an odd hiss.
       But Rob didn't notice. He was too busy staring into wReanna's
eyes. Impulsively, he grabbed her and kissed her hard. She melted into
him, but all too soon broke the kiss. "We have to get to work," she
reminded him gently.
       Master Blaster formed two Baretta's and started spraying the crowd
around him. Sister State-the-Obvious winced, but saw that although they
were being knocked back, the bullets were rubber and not causing
permanent damage. She turned away when she saw a little boy with a
maniacal grin on his face get beaned in the head and fall backwards.
       "Get behind the counter," Master Blaster said, concentrating on
keeping them back. "Find out what's going on. And call in the LNH!"
       Sister State-the-Obvious and turned to the counter. Behind it, she
saw three workers, all who stood there staring blankly. She couldn't
tell if they were drugged or just numb from work, but hopefully they
wouldn't get in her way. She took three quick steps to jump and...
       ...stumbled and nearly fell. Her dress and high-heeled shoes were
more suited to fine dining than heroic duties. There was only one thing
to do.
       Master Blaster's head snapped around at the sound of tearing
clothing (which was a sound, admittedly, he had heard often...), and he
was in time to see Sister State-the-Obvious as she cleared the counter,
her dress flapping around her legs, and his keen eyes picked out... Oh
yeah, tonight was gonna be something special...
       Sister State-the-Obvious landed in a crouched position, and rose
carefully. The workers around her didn't seem to be reacting to her
presence, so she set off into the depths of the restaurant kitchen, her
gun at the ready.
       Immediately she was enveloped in waves of grease and steam.
Peering, she could make out waffle grills and mixing stations. A dark
shadow loomed in the gloom, and Sister State-the-Obvious raised her gun
in readiness. A manager lurched out at her, moaning loudly. As the moan
wound down, Sister State-the-Obvious could see the manager's lips change
shape, forming part of a word. "Ot"? "Ooot?" "Oat"? Was it the oats?
They used drugged oats in the fries??
       With only a minor twinge of guilt (he was a Waffle Hut manager
after all), Sister State-the-Obvious fired her gun, put him down for
now. Moving on, she found the chipper, and started looking for culprits.
Although she couldn't find any oats, she did come across a jar of "Mind
Control Fat ".
       Blinking at this amazing find, Sister State-the-Obvious stood
there for just a fraction too long...
       Sister State-the-Obvious' scream cut into Master Blaster's soul,
but he covered his reaction with bare-faced bravado. "Honey, are you all
right back there?"
       Not receiving an immediate response, he spun away from the
oncoming masses, ran and leapt over the counter, performing a perfectly
executed dive roll to rise to his feet, all of which was only slightly
marred by the ripping sound from the seat of his pants. Damn, now the
rental place would charge him more... unless he turned WikiBoy into a
clothes mender! Sweet!
       Thus energised, he shot the worker drones in a burst of
enthusiasm, and headed into the kitchen. Guns at the ready, he sniffed
the air. Ah, just a hint to the right of "Obvious" by Calvin Klein.
Moving in that direction, he saw several bodies writhing in the steam
before him, and he loosed off two precisely targeted rounds.
       Drones fell away, and then Sister State-the-Obvious collapsed out
of the steam, into his arms. "Hey, honey, you miss me?"
       "Oh, Rob, it was terrible..."
       Keeping the attackers at bay with continual gun firings, Master
Blaster hugged Sister State-the-Obvious, enjoying her warmth. "Don't
worry. I'll keep the zombies back."
       "No, it's worse than that. They aren't zombies. They're moaning...
at first I thought it was 'oats', like they were using drugged oats, but
that isn't it at all. They're not saying 'oat', they're saying 'vote'!"
       "The dead have risen and are voting? They're Republicans, right?"
       Sister State-the-Obvious sighed, exasperation overriding her fear.
"They are *not* dead. They're drugged and they're ready to vote!"
       "So... is this like some plan we've just uncovered where Hex
Luthor is trying to influence people with drugs to re-elect him for a
third term, even though that's forbidden by the Loonited States
       Sister State-the-Obvious blinked. "Um, I'm not sure..." she said
hesitantly. "If... you like..."
       "That's nearly enough to make me want to vote!"
       "We are still in this Waffle Hut surrounded by voters with no sign
of escape," Sister State-the-Obvious pointed out.
       "What? Oh that. Now that we're back here, we can get out easily
enough. Here, take these," Master Blaster said, handing his guns to
Sister State-the-Obvious. Looking at a side wall, he concentrated, and a
small, compact, rather futuristic pistol appeared in his hand. He
raised, pointed, and squeezed the trigger...
       There was an almighty explosion as the entire wall before them
disintegrated into clouds of dust.
       "Wow. That's really impressive," Sister State-the-Obvious said.
       "That wasn't me..." Master Blaster admitted.
       "Oh. I wondered why you didn't simply use the back door."
       "There's a back door?"
       By then enough of the dust had settled to reveal a dozen dark
clothed figures with guns running into the kitchen. Most of them
streamed past the pair, but one of them stopped before them.
       "Sir? Ma'am? Are you okay?" the figure asked, her voice slightly
muffled by the mask she wore. "If you could come this way, please?"
       Taking Sister State-the-Obvious' arm, she started guiding them out
of the kitchen, and for the moment they were too confused to stop her.
       Outside, after taking a grateful breath of clean air, they paused
by a large truck. Master Blaster could now recognise the signs that
informed him that this woman belonged to the National Girl Scouts
Associations. If they were involved, then whatever was going on here was
       "We were sent in to contain this area. Don't worry. We'll make
sure they are helped. You can return to the LNH now."
       "But, we found evidence that..." Sister State-the-Obvious started.
       "We know exactly what's happening, ma'am. If you could leave it to
us, we'll make sure everything is taken care of." Leaving them by the
truck, the woman darted back inside.
       "I'm not sure..." Sister State-the-Obvious began.
       Master Blaster wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "If they're
involved, we're safer out here. Come on, we need get back to the LNH. I
think Ultimate Ninja would like to hear about this."

Meanwhile, in a bunker far away, a phone is picked up.
       "Sorry, sir. Too much zombie, not enough vote. We'll have to try
       "Be careful. There are enough superheroes in Racoon City already.
I do not want anything else to be uncovered."
       "Weÿÿve got a Final Solution ready, sir, just in case."
       "Make sure you don't leave it too late. I want nothing of this to
get out... until we're ready."
       "Don't worry, sir. No-one will be to resist this..."

Authors Notes:
I had the idea of "President Evil" long ago, but I doubt this idea was
restricted to only a few brilliant minds. And then I saw the President
Evil series, and thought I might tie into that... but didn't want to
deal with all those Random Heroes.

So, how much of this ties into that series (or more recent gorilla
related activities), and how much Master Blaster's theory is what's
really going on... I'm going to leave to others to decide.

Jamas Enright
"Answers answered and questions questioned."
Homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/
Blue Light Productions homepage: http://www.blue-light-productions.com/

"If a great state has decided by law that twice two is five, it would be
foolish to allow mathematicians to testify." - Comment during the Scopes
Monkey Trial.

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