[LNH/ACRA] Killfile Wars #3
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Thu May 25 11:32:27 PDT 2006
Ultimate Ninja gathered Master Blaster, Deja Dude and Vel in the armory
doorway. Vel was running his portable scanner across the room. After
several seconds he turned his attention back to the Ninja.
"We've got the stop him!" Ninja said.
"Do you mind if I ask you one question?" Vel asked.
"What?" Ninja said.
"If you were him... where would you go?"
"The sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement. It is where you're storing that
Dorf transport device we recovered from the museum," Ninja said.
(See Vel #-5-1/2.)
"Thank you," Vel said as he ran out of the room. Ultimate Ninja
followed after him. "Now quickly... let's go."
"What's up with them?" Master Blaster said.
"Ultimate Ninja and Vel are going to go after Ultimate Ninja," Deja
"I know where this is going," Master Blaster said. "It was
inevitable really. Aren't we going to help?"
Deja Dude frowned for a moment.
"No. I kind of like being alive," Deja Dude said.
"Yeah and if we got murdered, our wives would kill us. Of course,
she might murder me for what I did to Wikiboy yesterday," Master
"Not again..." Deja Dude responded. "What did you do this
"All I can say is it involves Massachusetts and Frat Boy."
Killfile Wars #3 of 6
By Jesse N. Willey
Barney the security guard was at his checkout point. The desk had
dozens of screens watching various rooms of the
sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basement. Nothing ever happened down here. The
upper levels had activity all the time. The lower subbasements had
crazy stuff like that all the time. This was normal. It was almost
as if the building had declared this neutral territory.
That's why he always snuck a portable television down to here to the
game. Since nobody ever came down here, nobody noticed the six pack
of soda and the large bag of potato chips either. He sat down, turned
on his TV. As a large ball came into focus an energy globe burst
through the television screen.
"Oh Crap!" Barney shouted.
Onion Lad wheeled the tray down the hallway. He got to Teri's door
and knocked. After three minutes nobody answered. He pushed the
door chime. She came to the door dressed only in a pair of pink Power
Puff Girls pajamas.
"Oh Chuckles... you brought me Peanut Butter and Banana sandwiches
to celebrate my finally getting my LNH memberships. How sweet," she
Smiled and kissed his cheek. He stumbled and hit his head on the
doorway. She slammed the door. Onion Lad waited outside the door for
several minutes. The he hear her scream. Teri came charging out of
the room in her full Teryaki Chick costume.
"He was here! He turned my sandwiches into
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter," she said.
The Ninja was crawled through the vents of the
sub-sub-sub-sub-sub-basements. He snuck through the vents so Barney
wouldn't alert anyone. Not that the old man would pry his eyes away
from the game. Each time he came to grating, he peaked down to make
sure he hadn't gone past his objective.
"Lab where the wererat cure is being worked on... no. Repair shop
for old pinball machines... no.... vending machine area...." He
He finally found the right room. He saw the deactivated tunnel.
Now he just had to wait for her. He knew she would be coming here. It
was the only thing that made any sense. The first rule of combat; know
Within seconds, she was there. He snuck out the microgun that
Master Blaster had taken off some crazed mad scientist a few. He
missed this. The sneaking around and hunting. This is what a ninja
was supposed to do. Not sit behind a desk and chair meetings. He
aimed it precisely and fired. Deliahs's blood spattered from her
The computer beeped. Angelica Weinstein crawled out of bed. She
didn't want to wake Josh. He made the cutest noises while he slept.
Sometimes after a long night, she when she laid awake he night she
would listen as his growling stomach magically played tunes from 'The
H.M.S. Pinafore'. He'd always said that it was because his mother
had done so much community theater when she wasn't busy being a super
The walked up to her laptop and turned the monitor on as dimly as she
"What is it Computer," she whispered.
"There is a new email in one of your brother's old dummy email
accounts," The Computer said. "I know I normally handle the day
operations of the intergalactic and xenotechnology reverse engineering
part of the company, but I thought this one required your specific
"Pull it up," she said.
To: MasterprogrammerAlpha at weinsteinonline.com
From: K_Nightstalker at AASN.org
You lying sons of bitches! You said you were going to use the nanos
to help humanity, not to play Manchurian Candidate. I've been
watching you. I told you I would be.
"Okay... what's the problem," Angelica said.
"I have no idea what he's talking about," The Computer said.
Limbo was nothing, if not a learning experience. It had taken time
but Doctor Killfile had learned to view other worlds. Some were
pathetic. He wanted to beat the crap out of Doctor Lifefile. There
had been other worlds he'd watched too.
"I tire of sitting here observing. I'll see how my daughter fairs
at her hair brained revenge scheme," Killfile thought. His eyes spun
in his head for several seconds. "I see... I must use all my
training here. Concentrate... take all the energy I've collected
here into one blast. It shall take care of something I should have
handled a long time ago."
She reached for the portal control. Ninja loosened the vent covering
and leapt down. She stumbled backwards.
"If you don't use your healing factor, you'll be dead in two or
three days tops. You've lost," Ninja said.
"Not as long as," she grunted. "I see him and you in the
Her face went blank as she healed the wound. She was still in pain.
"Now you'll be dead in three months. You've made it much harder
to get that bullet out. It had more than trace amounts of plutonium.
If the radiation poisoning doesn't get you... you'll develop
cancer. The more your healing factor tries to heal it... the worse it
will get. The same thing happened to Badass," Ninja said. (See Vel
"You wouldn't..." she said.
"You killed me. It is only fair," he said. "You killed me...
and I'm going to have to live with it for the rest of my life. So I
want you to go slowly and painfully."
"But you're a hero.."
"No... I'm an instrument of justice. Big difference."
She turned and blasted him with a bolt of energy. Her step still
wobbled as she made sure not to reopen the wound in the middle of
"That's right. I killed you. But how can I miss you, you never
go away!" she shouted.
She reached the controls and pressed a sequence of keys. She
stepped towards the middle of the portal to see her handiwork. She
began to laugh as a cloud of energy exploded outward. Her body
simply evaporated but no energy globe erupted. When the blaze ended a
man walked through the glowing doorway.
"Please, Ninja... you didn't think I was gone did you?" he said.
To Be continued....
Ultimate Ninja created by wream. Master Blaster, Deja Dude and Doctor
Lifefile created by Phartin Mipps. Barney, Teryaki Chick, Angelica
Weinstein, Joshua Chesterfield, Computer, Dalton Asters and Badass
created by Jesse N. Willey. Deliah Killfile created by Tom Russell
Jnr. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr and Dane Martin. Doctor
I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter created by Dane Martin. Doctor
Killfile is public domain.
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