[LNH/Acra] Killfile Wars #2
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun May 14 17:37:08 PDT 2006
Previously: After much anticipation the Killfiles finally struck and
they struck hard. The one handed Ultimate Ninja was killed and Dalton
Asters was buried in an exploding building.
Word hit the courtyard of LNH Headquarters faster than a fighter jet.
Various LNHers arrived in tears. Some brought flowers and even
Bright and Cheery All the Time Girl was dressed in black.
"Who did it?" asked Future Lass.
"I heard it was Lagneto," said Gossip Man
"No, the residual energy traces show signs off Killfile involvement.
Vel and Deja Dude are already inside reviewing the security tapes,"
Doctor Stomper said.
Peelix and Onion Lad walked in. Onion Lad was carrying Sylvia
McGuffin, an infant recently put in the care of the LNH. Peelix's
yellow fur suddenly stood on end and he dropped with cigar.
"Is it goth night and nobody told me?" said Peelix. "I'd paint
myself black... but y'know... that went out of fashion in showbiz in
The crowd went silent.
"What? What'd I say?" Peelix asked.
"Ultimate Ninja is dead," said Bad Timing Boy.
Peelix did a spit take.
"Damnit! And he still owed me twenty eight dollars and thirty eight
cents!" Peelix said.
The front door creaked open.
"Shh... Someone is coming up," Bad Timing Boy said.
Ultimate Ninja walked out of the building. He looked up at the crowd.
"Ahem-Ahem-at eight this evening in cafeteria there will be a
time for everyone to pay their respects to the Ultimate Ninja," he
The Killfile Wars #2 of 6
A Tom Sawyer Eulogy
By Jesse N. Willey
With a special contribution by Saxon Brenton
The cafeteria was packed. Anybody who was anybody was there. LNHers,
representatives from The Alt.Riders and dozens of other super hero
outfits were gathered in the over crowded cafeteria. Even some retired
villains had shown up to pay their respects. Most of them were
forgotten second stringers like The Elemental Brothers. Gaffer crawled
out of the catwalks and shined a light down on the stage.
"Light check!" Gaffer said. "And we are good."
"What are you doing here?!" shouted Easily Discovered Man.
"Aren't you going to chase after him again?" Easily Discovered
Man Lite whispered.
"Not today, kiddo. Not today," Easily Discovered Man said.
Ultimate Ninja took the stage.
"I'd like to thank you all for coming out tonight for Ultimate
Ninja's funeral. Per his request... tonight's funeral proceedings
will be conducted in the Friar's Club tradition," Ultimate Ninja
"What?" Whiner Looser Destiny Woman gasped.
"Because being the grand and noble observer of human, alien,
half-alien, robot, time traveler and trenchcoater behavior that he was,
he knew there was no way he could stop you guys from doing it anyway.
He wanted the one who knew him best to be master of ceremonies... and
being him I could think of no one more qualified," he paused for a
moment. "Sorry Cheesecake Eater Lad."
There was a weak laugh from the audience.
"I think it best if we started things off with his favorite joke.
What do you call a midget, psychic fugitive?" Ultimate Ninja asked.
"A small medium at large."
Cue Card Holder Lad was holding up his hand in a circle shape.
"I guess it's time for our first draftee," Ninja said.
Dalton quickly realized his vision was clear and it was the room that
was filled with fog. There were various multicolored stage lights
beating down on him. He coughed as he inhaled dusts of the brick.
"What? What's going?" he said. "Where am I?"
"It's safe... it's all you need to know," the shopkeeper said.
"Ah... one of those places. Canadian intelligence has a medical
facility on its covert listening posts. I guess I shouldn't be too
surprised. For a second I though it was, y'know... them," he said.
The shopkeeper flicked a switch. The stage lights went off. Bright
florescent light blared overhead. Dalton squinted. He could see the
room was filled with electron microscopes as well as sensor devices
Dalton was unused to seeing in a normal office building. Of course,
most normal office buildings didn't have an underground bunker.
"I took the liberty of testing those vials we found in your
pockets," the shopkeeper said.
"Hey! That's a violation of my civil liberties!" Dalton shouted.
"Didn't you come here to have them tested."
"Then what's your problem?"
"It's a matter of principle."
"You were right to come to us. While the nanobots aren't our
design... it is one we are familiar with. It's a standard Weinstein
Technologies neurorepair unit. It replaces nerve tissue with a just
as good synthetic nanowire. Only the input mechanism has been
modified," The Shopkeeper said.
"Modified for what?" Dalton said.
"To receive signals from an outside source... though for what... I
don't know," the shopkeeper said. "It's the best I could do
for an hours work."
"Don't worry... I have a pretty good idea," Dalton said.
"I believe this makes us even," the shopkeeper. "Of course if
this happens to lead you to anything... even what Screw You Over Lad
was looking for... I'm sure that would put you back in the agencies
"How many times do I have to tell you... I don't work for you
guys... or for Crompton... or any of the other two bit conspiracies out
there. I work for the truth," Dalton said.
"Then you work for nothing."
Carolyn made her way back to the kitchen. Rick and Sammy were playing
checkers in the corner. Sammy placed his black king down surrounding
the last remaining red piece.
"Alright, best two of out of three," he said.
"No way, you promised pizza," Sammy said.
"Glad to see you boys are having fun," Carolyn said. She walked up
behind Rick. "Can I talk to you for a minute."
"Sammy... go downstairs and watch cartoons. We'll go to the pizza
buffet place in a bit," Rick said.
Sammy walked down the stairs.
"So... did you talk to Josh and Angelica?" she said.
"Yeah... they aren't interested. Angelica is too busy with the
company and Josh. Well... considering how close he and Amelia are...
I'm not too surprised he doesn't want anything more to do with me.
I take it you had no luck with Electra."
"Expected as much. I got the same response from Mary."
"How is our plan going to work now?" she asked.
"Most of your metahuman resources may be tapped out... but I've
still got a few contacts I haven't talked to," Rick said.
"Oh.... Just y'know... people," he said. "Now come on...
let's go get some pizza."
Retcon Lad tapped the microphone to test that it's still on.
"Well," he said after he'd gotten the expected amplified 'toc tocs'.
"Since we're here to roast Ultimate Ninja, I guess we should roast all
of him. Which means we have to bring in the clones."
This brought a chorus of groans and cynical laughter from the
"Yes yes, that's right," said Retcon Lad with a smirk. "The
superheroes' constant nemesis: the clones and the evil twins. Now, to
be fair old Ultimate Ninja here hasn't had to put up with absolute
hordes of clones in the same way as Swordmaster has, but unfortunately
he's a high profile LNH member, which means he's had to put up them
"The most recent of course is when he was recently triplicated in a
medical experiment that went just a little bit awry. But at least they
didn't turn out evil. Or insane. However, going back just a little
way we had the clones produced by Dr. Ag-Queen. Ah yes," Retcon Lad
mused, with a touch of sarcasm entering his voice. "And what a fine
group of morally upstanding counterparts they were, weren't they?"
"And before that, well, how can we forget the scheme by Master Cliche
to destroy the Legion by replacing Ultimate Ninja with an evil clone
while kidnapping away the original version? Yes, that's right, there
was the duplicate that actually did go insane. And was evil to boot."
"Of course, he didn't go on to become a world class villain and Legion
nemesis in his own right, like Acton Lord did, but for this we can
probably all be grateful. Still, we're all net.heroes, so it's an
immutable fact that at some time or other we're all going to have to
deal with having clones - whether sane or insane, evil or otherwise -
come into our lives, and the best that we can hope for is that we
handle it with the skill and aplomb that Ultimate Ninja has."
"Godspeed old friend... and while you're still here... you will be
missed," He said as he walked off the stage.
Peelix the Cat took to the microphone with Onion Lad closely behind.
"Onion Lad and I are just here to pay our respects to the Ultimate
Ninja. A man who has quintuple handedly made my life a living hell,"
The audience stood in shock.
"I mean first he sticks me with this piece of crap for a partner...
no offense Turnip Kid... but you're just incompetent. Then... he
makes me work all hours. On the rare occasions I do get to sleep... he
haunted those two. Weird dreams too.. something about a talk
show..." Peelix said.
"Anyway, Peelix and I have complied some of Ultimate Ninja's
favorite jokes..." Onion Lad said.
"Right..." Peelix said. "How do you burn The President's
"Phone him while he's ironing," Onion Lad said. "I got one.
True story too... The Grey Phantom..." Onion Lad said.
"Which one?" asked Master Blaster shouted from the audience.
"Ummm the creepy one. Not the one that was actually Repetitive Lad
or the girl..." Onion Lad said. "Anyway... Grey Phantom and
Wikiboy got stuck on an island. Grey Phantom says 'We had burglars
last night.' Then Wikiboy said: 'We did?"
"Since when am I a cannibal?" Wikiboy shouted.
"You aren't... it's just a joke," Onion Lad said.
"Thank god," Wikiboy said.
"Uh... actually, Wikiboy, you are a cannibal," said Master
"God damn you..." Wikiboy said. He stared at Master Blaster.
"Say... am I the only one who is getting hungry?"
"Okay," Master Blaster said. "You're not, you're not..."
Onion Lad sighed.
"So then Grey Phantom says: 'Yeah, they tasted better than
Vel stood over the sensor grid. After hours of trying to
make headway on the security tapes he finally was giving in. The
everything from conventional television screens, to the Dorfan three
dimensional combat sensor to various forms of Kirbytech were telling
him one thing.
"This makes no sense," Deja Dude said.
"I agree," said Vel. "I mean, according to the logs
she was just in the kitchen. She didn't walk through the front door
or the sewers. There are no signs of teleportation, temporal
displacement or dimensional travel. It's not like she was here the
whole time. Or at least since their last attack."
"Come now, as a fellow scientist you must agree...
eliminate the impossible whatever is left, no matter how improbable
must be the truth," Deja Dude said.
"Actually, I use science to accomplish six impossible
things before breakfast," Vel said.
"Luckily, you're only half dorf. You only have half the
appetite," Deja Dude said. "So, what are you going to do now?"
"Watch the tape again," Vel said.
"The beginning had too much snow on it for my tastes. It looks like a
bad bootleg," Deja Dude said.
"And yet the rest of the tape is clear," Vel said.
The two men gave each other a quick lightbulb over the head glance.
"Could we have been that stupid?" Deja Dude said.
The door behind them opened. Master Blaster walked in.
"Hey Deja Dude... seen any movies lately?" Master Blaster said.
"Not now... we just made a major break through," Deja Dude said.
"Sorry," Master Blaster said. "I know I'm going to regret
asking, but what is it?"
"We think we figured out how they got into the building," Vel said.
"The data we have suggests that those globes are made of pure
"Which means they could be transmitted through power lines. The
beginning of the security tape is all staticy," Deja Dude said
"Not to mention the clock blinks 88:88 for a fraction of a second.
Sorry, Marksmen's eyes," Master Blaster said.
"The globes caused a power surge.... Which shorted the clock. Then
the transition from one form of energy to another cause a massive
electromagnetic pulse which accounts for the degaussing of the video
tape," Deja Dude said.
"Lethal. Efficient. You have to admire it," Vel said.
"What?" Deja Dude said.
"I mean... I'll call Vinnie and Adamant Authority on Everything.
We'll start work on a few more power plants. If we aren't taking
in power from public utilities we shouldn't be vulnerable to this
sort of attack again," Vel replied.
Master Blaster's communicator chirped. He answered it.
"Hey, Master Blaster. This is Fred. Ultimate Ninja just visited the
armory," Fred said.
"So... he's team leader. He's allowed."
"Your private armory."
"Oh... did he say where he was going?" Master Blaster asked.
"After the Killfiles."
To Be Continued....
Next: Ninja, Avenge Thy Self
Future Lass created by Ted Brock. Used without permission. Peelix the
Cat, Carolyn and Sammy Forge created by Tom Russell Jnr. Reserved by
Jesse N. Willey. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr. and Dane
Martin. Reserved by Jesse N. Willey Easily Discovered Man and
Easily Discovered Man Lite created by Rob Rogers, used without
permission. The Elemental Brothers created by Sean Daugherty used
without permission. Gaffer created by Josh Hartung. Used without
permission. Dalton Asters, Rick Henkerton, Screw You Over Lad and Vel
created by Jesse N. Willey and are reserved. Cue Card Holder Lad
created by Jesse N. Willey and is public domain. Deja Dude and Master
Blaster created by Phartin Mipps. Bad Timing Boy and Whiner Looser
Destiny Woman are public domain. Ultimate Ninja created by wReam.
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