[LNH] Onion Lad #7

Tom Russell milos_parker at yahoo.com
Fri May 5 09:45:12 PDT 2006


martinphipps2 at yahoo.com wrote:
> cabbagewielder at yahoo.com wrote:
> > 	"A license plate," Weiner Boy said. "with a vanity plate that
> > said ICUP."
> > 	"Can you spell that please?" Onion Lad said.
> > 	"The egg rolls are to die for."
> > 	"That good?" he said.
> > 	"No... they'll just kill you," she said.
> > 	"The Great Foods Company must have a bad reputation," she said.
> > 	"Oh... their reputation is rock solid," he said.  "Botulism
> > cells love them."
> Jesse, if you are writing a story and including jokes then the jokes
> shouldn't sound like jokes.  They should sound like double entendres

Actually, these were my favourite parts. :-)

I will say this for OL # 7 & KW # 1-- I don't think the average reader
would be in the dark as to who is who and what's going on.  Minus some
details that need explanation (for example, the pregnancy of
Seductress), the stories are fairly accessible (unlike the LNH vol. 2 #
13 story).

The one big problem I had, again, was a matter of dramatic weight.
When Delilah kills the Ninja in KW # 1, it's sudden-- and sure, she
took him by surprise.  But then the story moved right along, rushing to
the climactic/cliffhanger statement of Sister State-the-Obvious.

It wouldn't add an extra eleven pages if you spent a little more time
on these "big" moments, to make them big and important and to make them
stand out, give them an emotional ka-pow!-- in fact, I think this would
be far more important than exposition and would have helped "Villains
Untied" greatly.

Touching on the cliffhanger ending to KW-- this comment should probably
be in KW, shouldn't it?-- how exactly do SStO's powers work?  Can she
only comment on those obvious things she sees with her own eyes, or is
she also able to comment on things that may be obvious only to the
reader? (For example, the identity of a villain, or the death of a
fellow legionnaire.)


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