[LNH] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #13
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Mon May 1 15:41:41 PDT 2006
Brain-O was perched on the roof of the church. The rain of made it
slippery. The night's darkness did not bother him. He knew the
quarry was inside. He knew what she was and what she was capable of.
The problem was that everyone did. Which is why he had to remain
He had finished thinking out exactly how he'd sneak in and get her
when a weathervane flew off the roof of the church and hit him in the
"Damn it!" he shouted.
He caught a glimpse of a woman flying away with a bundle under her
arm. He knew his chances to strike were very limited. He went
chasing after her. He got close enough to her that snatching the
bundle would be easy. She dodged his attempt to grab it. Just like
he planned. He telekinetically dragged the bundle into his arm.
"Brain-O? Do you know how important that child is?" the woman
"Indeed... Deliah.... That's why I can't let you have her,"
Brain-O responded. "I need her for my own plan."
The baby began to cry. Deliah gasped for breath as she felt the
oxygen being forced out of her body. She into her energy form and
"I'll back... and next time I'm bringing my friends," she
"Yeah right... victory is mine!" Brain-O chuckled.
Brain-O floated down to the ground and into a large blue SUV. As
soon as he got the child in the car seat and sat down he noticed a
thirteen-year-old boy in the passenger seat. The kid smiled jabbed a
nerve cluster in Brain-O's neck. He convulsed with psychic energy.
"Opps!" the kid said.
He dove into the back seat and covered the kid as the car exploded.
The Legions of Net.Heroes Vol 2. #13
A Killfile Wars Tie-In Event
By Jesse N. Willey
Captain Pathetic, The Nine to Five Guy and Token Girl walked up the
church. It was half past noon and the rain had not subsided. The
police tape still surrounded the five blocks around the building. The
area was littered with toppled vehicles, parts from exploded cars and
telephone poles that had been knocked over. Several buildings,
including the porn shop across the street, were completely demolished.
"The super villains kidnapping Sylvia and rampaging through our
streets was a sign of God's wrath. He is angry with us for allowing
pornographers so close to his house. He took Sylvia because her
mother was a stripper and an unmarried teenage bisexual meth addict,"
said a priest out front.
What little of the press was present was scribbling it all down in
their notepads and shoving microphones in his face. The man in ragged
clothes and a hat that said 'Arnie's Adult Novelties' walked
toward the priest.
"Sheesh, who died and made him Self Righteous Preacher?" Token
The man in the hat began to whisper to the priest.
"Sorry Tom, but uh... I managed to save this from the shop..."
Arnie said as he handed the priest a small box.
"What are you talking about?" the priest said.
"You know... your special order?" Arnie said.
The press surrounded the priest and began shouting questions at Arnie.
The LNHers met up with a nun. She looked like she couldn't have been
anymore than twenty. She waived at them.
"Oh thank goodness you've come," she said.
"Ah... I see why we didn't bring Master Blaster on this one..."
said The Nine to Five Guy. "The Nun would have none of him."
Captain Pathetic rolled his eyes.
Doctor Doritron laughed when he saw the giant robot racing toward him.
Long retractable metal tentacles emerged from his armor. They quickly
drilled through the shell of the giant robot and into its circuitry.
The robot's systems shut down. He punched through the glass
door and removed the child from the vehicle leaving a sniveling teenage
"Gah! What are you doing? This is my power source. I stole her
fair and square!" the sniveling teenage pilot said.
Doritron was silent.
"I mean come on... Doritron... this isn't like you. Word on the
pipeline is that you went legit. Started working with the feds on
Alien Technology retrieval programs in exchange for a reduced prison
time...." the teen whined.
Doritron looked into his eyes.
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet Danehog,"
Doritron pulled back the tentacles and the robot's rocket boosters
accelerated. Parts began rotating too fast and catching fire.
Doritron kicked the robot in the kneecap. It toppled and fell. The
defensive protocols kicked and did to a series of backwards
summersaults before rolling ten city blocks, crushing buildings its
wake, before exploding in Net.tropolis Bay.
"Oh man! And I just made my last payment on this thing!" Danehog
A large shadow covered several block. Danehog stared up
at the massive space cruiser.
"Oh triple fudge bars of crap," he said.
Sister Debra Carvelli and Nine to Five Guy walked down into the
nursery. Various other nuns were feeding the infants. Nine to Five
Guy went over the room with his scan thingee.
"Nine to Five Guy, if you don't mind me asking, but what is your
super power?" she said. "Unless it's a private thing. I know
some of you super types have their secret identities and such."
"Well, my pretty penguin," he said as he watched her blush. "I
can only work from 9 AM to 5 PM. The same thing happens to anyone
within thirty feet of me. They just find work too miserable and
"What type of power is that?" she said.
"Most of these super types are waaay to tense. Almost as bad
you," he said
".... Not you really... but you know Nuns in general. Uh.... The
other heroes use me for catnip. They're all busy with other stuff
right now... we're all they could spare. The next emergency gets
Fatally Injuries Her Other Teammates Girl, Grandma Man and Cannon
Debra stared down at her watch. It was 5:01 PM.
"You... you wouldn't want to get a cup of coffee... would you?"
Doritron took the brunt of the laser bolt. The Dorfan cruiser began
sending down shock troops. He was surrounded and their EMP technology
had him out of options. He put the baby down and began brawling the
dorfs hand to hand. Captain Pathetic turned the corner. He quickly
entered the fray.
"I'll help you Citizen," Captain Pathetic said.
Captain Pathetic felt stronger than he ever had. He'd heard
stories about dorfan power dampeners from some of the briefings on the
dorfs during the recent civil war. Ultimate Ninja wanted them prepared
for everything. The dorfs on the other hand probably didn't expect
to fight someone with the power to be completely useless. Removing the
power made him almost unstoppable.
"Finally I can do some good on this team..." Captain Pathetic
There was a loud kaboom and suddenly a super powered figure in high
tech super armor with a large helmet was standing next to Doritron .
The man in the helmet was tearing through the shock troopers leaving
nothing but a pile of corpses.
"Holy crap! It's Doctor Doritron and Monark!" Pathetic said.
Monark spotted Captain Pathetic and kept shooting. With one plasma
burst he blew out Captain Pathetic's spine. Monark was quickly
surrounded by some sort of quantum bubble, which quickly popped. He
stared down at Pathetic's body.
"I'm glad I'm not that sad son of a bitch anymore," he said.
Monark grabbed for the baby. Doritron leapt to intercept and Monark
blasted him. Doritron burst into flame. Monark turned around and
vanished through time.
Hours later Token Girl was surveying the mess. She came across the
mess of rubble and bodies. It didn't take her long to spot Captain
Pathetic. It was next to the burnt body of Doritron. She picked up
her communication card.
"Token Girl to Nine To Five Guy," she said.
There was no response. Of course, since it was seven fifteen at
night she didn't expect there to be one. She cursed in the
communication device as a faint audio signal played.
"Oh... Dan.... Oh Dan..." a woman moaned.
Nine to Five Guy grumbled picked up the card.
"Yeah... what is it?" he said.
"Super villain battle. I need your help..." she said.
"Sorry... I'm the Nine to Five Guy for a reason," he said.
"Uh... Dan..." the woman said.
"Is that the..."
"The nun? Yes. Now leave me alone," he said.
Disco King sat in the prison shop. He tightened the wires on a small
disco ball and smiled. It had been months since those two LNH brats
dropped a Slurpee machine on his head. Making the stasis device was
easy. Getting it to look just right was the hard part. It had to be
a disco ball. Gimmick and style were everything in his business.
"Now... if I follow the old tachyon traces the man who took Sylvia
should be arriving in five four three two.." Disco King said.
He flicked the switch. He was immediately trapped in a stasis bubble.
Monark appeared. He stared at the man caught in his own trap and
laughed. He disappeared again and traveled further along the
Monark and Sylvia arrived in a blank spot in time. A cloaked man
approached them. Monark felt a tingling in every part of his body.
Even the naughty places. Though ever since the last identity switch
he wasn't quite sure which type of naughty places those were... and
that's completely irrelevant anyway.
"You! The Time Crapper... but you're dead!" he spouted.
"No... but one of my aspects shall destroy all of us in the Sig.ago
explosion soon enough..." he said. "Or maybe already has.... I
don't keep track of such things anymore. I just don't bother.
Linear thinking is far too simple minded."
"I guess you want the baby. Well you aren't getting it..."
"I can tell you everything. Who you really are... now anyway. By
killing Captain Pathetic you changed who you were..." Crapper said.
"So... I've done that plenty of times...:"
"This time who you are matters. It could decide your ultimate
fate... or help you master your destiny. But if you don't want to
know..." Crapper said.
Monark let go of Sylvia and began handing her over to Time Crapper.
There was a loud pop sound the baby vanished.
"What the hell?" Monark said. "Give me my info."
"Sorry... a deal is a deal. Alas, the baby shall live. Earth shall
not be much better for it. Sylvia McGuffin shall cause the world
nothing but heartache," Crapper said.
"Go... before the flow of fate destroys you as well..." Trapper
Monark vanished again.
Brain-O finally finished reconstructing himself. He heard a loud pop
and a baby was falling from the sky. He telekinetically grabbed it.
He sighed with relief and wiped his brow.
"See, world... I told you I'd win!" he shouted.
The wind crackled with electricity. Three globes surrounded him.
"Guess again, No Brain," said Deliah. "I told you I'd bring
Brain-O's forcefield blocked the Killfile's powers for several
minutes. He managed to run. He had seen some super heroes enter the
church when he went noncoporeal. That was a good fifteen blocks away.
The Killfiles blasted the rubble from the previous evenings brawl.
He couldn't believe this brawl had gone on for a day and a half. He
couldn't believe he was going to die at the hands of someone whose
choice of weapon was a butter blast.
"Where is a super hero when you need one?" Brain-O said.
They passed a nightclub. A man in a hot dog suit was yelling at a
well-dressed man outside. Brain-O began to walk slowly by. The
energy globes hovered a block or two back.
"You... you did this to him Sergio!" Hot Dog Man yelled.
"I didn't do anything to anyone. I just run a place to hang out
for exclusive clientele. If Weiner Boy decides to walk into my
club..." Sergio said.
Hot Dog Man punched the man and brawl ensued. Sergio kicked Hot Dog
Man in the groin and he fell to the ground in pain. Sergio walked
"Don't you try nothing Hot Dog Man... your headquarters is in the
phone book. I'm calling the cops on your ass," Sergio said.
"Obviously, the super heroes in this city are too busy harassing the
owner of a gay bar too help an outgunned and defenseless man,"
Brain-O felt like he finally had the strength to fly. He found a dark
alley to take flight. He secured Sylvia and took off. He felt a
faint tap on his shoulder. A large snarling muscular man pulled him
"You think there were only three Killfiles," Mordred said.
"There are four."
There was nothing but an endless parade of fists pounding against
Brain-O's jaw. Then blackness.
Crompton and Gary Niceguy stared at the screen. The monitor room was
watching dozens of channels. Most of them were within a fifteen-block
radius of the Church. Niceguy was halfway to a standing position.
"It is time?" Niceguy said.
"Almost," Crompton said. "Though I'm sorry it came to this.
I wanted to keep you out of the brawl as long as possible."
Niceguy glared at him.
"If this is about Elaine... I'm over that," he said.
"What about Alicia? Or whoever else you may have boinked at
sometime or another who wound up dead and whose untimely demise you
blame yourself for, hmm?" Crompton said. "I don't want you out
there until it's cleared with psychiatric."
"Doctor Arbus cleared me weeks ago," Gary said.
"These things take time..."
Gary threw his fist through one of the TV screens.
"Crompton, you're pissing me off... and when I get pissed off... I
punch things. It's the way I am... are we clear?" he said.
Mordred picked up the baby. Kickass leapt out of a trashcan and
kicked Mordred in the eye. He dropped the baby and Kickass ran back
down the alley. Modred quickly recovered and began chasing him. A
huge massive creature blocked his path.
"Graw!" the creature snarled.
"Shit!" said Kickass.
Kickass paused. He was surrounded by two huge brutish figures that
were trying to take the baby and kill him. He knew there was only one
logical course of action. He threw the baby up in the air ten stories
and then leapt up to the fire escape.
"MA-EIN!" the creature yelled.
"No... Mine!" Mordred grunted.
The two brutes began pounding the crap out of each other. Kickass
smiled, knowing that Badass would have been proud of him. It'd now
just be a hop skip to grab Sylvia who was coming back down. Kickass
leapt through the air and hit a force bubble.
"Damn you, Brain-O!" he shouted as he fell down toward the brawl
Psykeye didn't feel like correcting Kickass's appropriation of
blame as he fell. With Mordred Killfile and some creature from one of
the occult planes down there to rip the poor lad to shreds in seconds
there wasn't much of a point.
He knew the truth. He was the last villain standing. He could
finally tap the child's secret power. The child was, as the rumor
mill said, a bioetheric amplifier. Whatever powers the person
holding her had were amplified ten fold.
"Soon... I shall be unstoppable. I shall not only be able to do
anything I've seen in mass media... I'll be able to tap the
cultural iconosphere directly and be able do anything anyone in mass
media... or even myths have ever done.
There was a loud pop behind him. Monark stood behind him with his arm
blasters aimed precisely at the base of Psykeye's skull. Psykeye
held the child closer.
"Don't move!" Monark shouted.
"What are you doing here? You don't have any innate powers.
Aren't you just a guy suit?" Psykeye said. "The child is no good
"I'm not sure about that. After I traveled back again this time...
I've been killing anyone who became me. I don't who I am
anymore," Monark said. "I could be anyone from Deja Dude to
"You already tried to pass her off to Crapper... didn't you?"
Psykeye said. "Pathetic and predictable. Also stupid. Just like
"It's called precognition. I've seen it used to predict most
likely outcomes before. I know who you are," Psykeye said.
The red light of Monark's laser turned brighter.
"Tell me!" Monark said.
"Fine... I'll tell you... just let me get away," Psykeye said.
"Congratulations M-" Psykeye stuttered.
A supersonic golden blur smacked Psykeye in the face. The baby fell.
Monark reached for it but the same golden blur knocked him across the
rooftop. His huge metal suit knocked over a chimney and fell through
"Not so fast, scum!" the blur shouted.
The blur was gone. Psykeye had no chance of catching up with it. He
sighed and teleported down the street to buy some adult magazines.
Ultimate Ninja stood atop the Net.tropolis Convention Center. The
golden blur approached the building. Ninja was not at all surprised.
He knew it would come down to this. He came prepared. He and Irony
Man had planned this from the start. The Ninja vanished.
Gary Niceguy landed on the roof. Even to his advanced senses it
looked deserted. Only a faint pounding which could easily have been a
bird or a rat or something. He looked around one last time.
"Excuse me... is The Grandmaster here," Gary Niceguy said.
There was a loud swish and The Ninja swiped his sword. He paused as
he saw that Niceguy was still holding the baby. Niceguy spotted him.
Ninja took a step back. Gary kicked cement of the rooftop into
Ninja's face. He dodged.
"Did you really think that would work?" Niceguy said.
The Ninja silently nodded. Another Ultimate Ninja leapt from the
fire escape. He pulled out a dorfan energy sword. If Vel didn't
get this back in perfect condition he'd be pissed. Ninja carefully
turned the knob up to full power.
"You've done some serious shit before Gary. So you aren't
Golden Man. Please, for the kid, don't drag this on any longer than
it has to. Give us the baby Niceguy..." Ninja said.
"This child can amplify anyone's super powers. I can't let that
fall into the hands of anyone who'd abuse that!" he said.
"Because I'm not Golden Man..."
Gary pounded his fist into the roof, which collapsed. The first ninja
dove through the emerging cracks. The other threw the laser sword
through Niceguy's kneecap. The ninja jabbed the soft side of
Gary's elbow. He dropped Sylvia.
"And I'm not YOU!" Gary said.
The Ninja grabbed the baby in mid leap.
"What the fuck?" Gary said.
"You may be invulnerable... but you can't fight your reflexes.
One tickle back there..." said Ninja. "And your fingers twitch."
Before Ninja reached the floor of the building a hyperspatial corridor
opened up. With a soft a thud he landed in the moon bounce of the
daycare center on the third floor of LNH HQ. The third Ultimate Ninja
was waiting for him.
"How did the plan go?" Ninja said.
"Good. The others have gathered up a lot of the straggling
villains," Ninja said.
The door whisked for open. Token Girl glared at them.
"This... this was all a plan? People lost their homes... Captain
Pathetic died..... The city suffered billions of dollar damage.... For
what?" she said.
"So that Adamant Authority on Everything could find the child's
mother and relocate them to a universe where super powers don't
exist. A world whose entrance is one way... you go there and you
don't come back... and any super who goes there finds themselves
powerless..." Ultimate Ninja said. "Can you imagine what Killfile
would do if he knew could amplify his powers a hundred fold? No one
would be safe... ever..."
"All those people will get better homes courtesy of Irony Man's
bank account...." Ultimate Ninja said.
"And Captain Pathetic?"
"Was a mistake. In more ways than one," Ninja said. "Whatever
happened to Dan the Nine to Five Guy?"
It had been several hours since sunrise. He watched Debra breath
while she slept. The alarm buzzed. She blushed as she looked at
him. She got out of bed and put her clothes back on.
"Oh my! I'm running late for work..." she said.
"But? But last night..."
"Didn't happen. I work for God... I'm supposed to..." she
"I'll be back here at 5:01," he said.
"Splendid... but don't use a rubber... God hates that..." she
"But last night...?"
"Right... right... 5:01..." she said. "Won't care then... will
But look for more Killfile Wars soon...
Brain-O created by Sean Daugherty. Used without permission. Hot Dog
Man, Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter and Danehog (the
fictious one) created by Dane Martin. Reserved by Jesse N. Willey.
Mordred Killfile, Sergio, Disco King, Crompton, Doctor Doritron, Dan
the Nine to Five Guy, Sister Deb generic monster and the priest created
by Jesse N. Willey. Gary Niceguy created by Tom Russell. Monark is
public domain. Psykeye created by Martin Phipps. Token Girl, Monark,
Captain Pathetic and Time Crapper are all public domain. Deliah
Killfile created by Tom Russell Jnr and reserved by Jesse N. Willey.
Copyright 2006, Jesse N. Willey
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