LNH: Haiku Gorilla Adventures # 20

[Tom Russell]

 HAIKU GORILLA # 20

Walking on real grass
cold night air, moon on his fur
first time in his life


LAST TIME, ON SENRYU-KEN! (LETTERS PAGE)
>
> Dear Senryu-Ken!,
>
> Who'd win?  Our hero
> Or Gothic Gorilla from
> Saviors of the Net?
>
> (Couldn't figure out
> How to work in season word
> On first day of spring.)
>
> --Adrian James McClure
>
> Dear Adrian,
>
>    Haiku Gorilla asked to answer your reply himself:
>
> "Violence is folly
> "embrace peace and contemplate
> "the cherry blossoms."
>
>   That being said, H. G. would totally kick his ass.

As you are no doubt aware, in the hour between the publication of HAIKU
GORILLA # 19 and the time at which I write these words, the Haiku
Gorilla message-boards have been invaded by two hundred members of the
Gothic Gorilla fandom.  The heated discussion soon turned into an
all-out flame war, with insults, offensive fan art, and threats of
violence being bandied about.  The inflammatory users were banned from
the message board-- but more came to take their place.  (Most likely it
is only a handful of users utilizing sock-puppets.)

The board was soon shut down, and the war moved to e-mail, phone calls,
and eventually letter bombs.  A member of the Haiku Gorilla fandom was
brutally wiffle-batted to death by an irate Gothic Gorilla fan; in
retaliation, several fans took it upon themselves to fight back,
penning a number of anti-semetic cartoons and beheading Brian Michael
Bendis while the controversial emasculator of superheroes was dining at
a Kentucky Fried Chicken.

First of all, folks, Bendis has nothing to do with Gothic Gorilla!  (Or
Haiku Gorilla, for that matter.)  If you're going to vent aggression,
at least vent it at the right place!

Secondly, don't vent your aggression!  It's only a comic, for
goodness's sake!  What kind of idiot kills people over a comic?  (The
same kind of people that kills the _wrong_ people over a comic, I
guess.)  If you're going to kill somebody, kill someone who deserves
it!

And finally, don't kill anybody!

Let's all just step back, calm down, and look at things rationally,
okay?  Haiku Gorilla does not enjoy or condone the use of violence
(except when wielded against hapless security guards keeping him
captive and preventing his reunion with his one true love, Doctor
Jane).  Short of Hooded Hoo'dwin, there's no way in the Looniverse that
Haiku Gorilla and Gothic Gorilla are going to fight (unless, of course,
Gothic Gorilla is a hapless security guard keeping him captive and
preventing his reunion with his one true love, Doctor Jane)!  So it's
really a moot point, isn't it?

That being said, IF... and I'm just saying IF... they *were* going to
fight... well, let's approach this logically, shall we?

1. Haiku Gorilla has had twenty issues (plus an annual) of HIS OWN
magazine, and counting
2. Gothic Gorilla has had no issues (plus no annual) of HIS OWN
magazine
Therefore: Haiku Gorilla is more popular

1. The most popular character is more likely to win a hero vs. hero
fight
2. Haiku Gorilla is more popular
Therefore: Haiku Gorilla is going to win...

... unless there is a story reason why Haiku Gorilla would lose to
Gothic Gorilla, resulting in a deeper appreciation of Haiku Gorilla's
character.  But:

1. Haiku Gorilla speaks in haikus
2. Gothic Gorilla does not
Therefore: Gothic Gorilla is the total opposite of Haiku Gorilla

1. Haiku Gorilla is not a cat
2. Gothic Gorilla is the total opposite of Haiku Gorilla
Therefore: Gothic Gorilla is a pussy.

So, folks, let's stop fighting.  Put an end to all the name-calling,
the purposefully inciteful comments, and the flame-baiting.

 (C) COPYRIGHT 2006 TOM RUSSELL.