RACCCafe: RACCQuest, part 3

[Adrian James McClure]

In the RACCCafe's bathrooom...

	"Well, that plot thread sure was over quickly," said Ultimate
Mercenary.  "Haiku Gorilla, would you like to join me on a quest?  It
involves killing people!"

	Haiku Gorilla said:

	"I would like to but
	"Something else takes precedence
	"Like first winter's snow."

	"OK, what is that?"

	"Like a river's flood
	"Flatulence of giant cow
	"Threatens the whole world."

	"Oh come on, Haiku Gorilla.  Pointless Awards Man IV was just making
that up, right?  Right?"

	But at that very moment, a cow the size of an SUV charged into the
bathroom, demolishing its wall with a blast of flatulence.  The
(resurrected due to lack of continuity) Pointless Awards Man IV started
screaming and grabbed Ultimate Mercenary by his shoulders.  "You've got
to do something!  Do you have any gas ex?"

	"No, but according to my old roster entry I do have oriental herbs and
spices.  Would it help if I gave the cow some green tea?"  Pointless
Awards Man IV was about to answer him, but the cow's hooves smashed his
head in.  Ultimate Mercenary had to think quickly.  He pulled out some
herbs and a teacup he always carried on his person, threw in some herbs
and spices, poured in water from the bathroom sink, used a small laser
pointer to heat it and stirred it with a dagger.  "Hey, you!" he said
to the giant rampaging flatulent cow.  "Would you like some green tea?"

	"OK, sure," said the giant rampaging flatulent cow.  It sat down and
tranquilly sipped some green tea.  Then it exploded, because Ultimate
Mercenary had accidentally mixed radioactive jalapeño pepper tea
instead.

	"You did it!" said Pointless Awards Man IV, who had come back from the
dead yet again.  "I could have done without the stinking cow guts
splattered all over me, though..."

	Haiku Gorilla interrupted:

	"Look!  From the cow's corpse
	"Grows some kind of techno-plant
	"Smashing through ceiling!"

	Sure enough, some kind of cybernetic beanstalk was rapidly ascending
through the ceiling to the moon above.  "Silly Pointless Awards Man IV:
 The Voyage Home!" said Ultimate Mercenary.  "Those weren't giant beans
that the cow ate!  Those were nanotech beans!  And now a space elevator
beanstalk is growing from them!"

	"Wait a minute, that wasn't a haiku that Haiku Gorilla just said!"
said Pointless Awards Man IV.  "It didn't have a nature image."

	"It did too!" said Ultimate Mercenary.  "He mentioned a plant."

	"It was a cybernetic plant."

	"That's a philosophical question, not an artistic one.  Anyway, let's
go to the moon!  There might be something there we can use in our
quest."

	Ultimate Mercenary, Pointless Awards Man IV, and Haiku Gorilla got on
board the space elevator and traveled up to the moon, because it was
better than being in a bathroom filled with cow guts.  Once they left,
they saw an old man meditating on the edge of a deep crevice.

	"Do you know who that is?" said Ultimate Mercenary.

	"I think that's St. John," said Pointless Awards Man IV.  "He lives on
the moon near a valley where all things lost on Earth dwell, as
portrayed in the Rennaisance-era Italian poet Ariosto's epic poem
Orlando Furioso, winner of the 1516 RACCie for best single issue."

	"You're probably right," said Ultimate Mercenary.  "I think I see this
cascade's plot down there."

	Haiku Gorilla walked up to St. John and said:

	"Starlight shines on sage
	"Can you give us anything
	"To stop Chuggernaut?"

	And St. John responded:

	"O worthy traveller from the lower world
	"Who speaks in simple and poetic tongue
	"Within that fortress round the hillside curled
	"A useful plot device lies hid among
	"But it is guarded by a wicked churled
	"Who eats his foes like you do egg fu yung.
	"If you do disinter this plot device,
	"You can win your quest without thinking twice."

	"Churled isn't a word!" protested Ultimate mercenary.

	"Look, you try speaking in iambic pentameter verse with ABABABCC rhyme
scheme all the time without cheating," protested St. John.

	The other three ignored him and snuck into the great forbidding
castle, whose rooms were large enough for a giant.  This post is
already quite long enough so I'm not going to bother to explain how
they did it, but eventually they found a golden box in one of the
castle's rooms with a label on it that said "Plot Device:  Open in Case
of Emergency."  "I guess that's what we're looking for," said Ultimate
Mercenary, when suddenly giant footsteps made the ground quake.

	"A giant!" shouted Pointless Awards Man IV.

	A hideous towering gigantic man entered the room and shouted, "Not
pedro and rust!  Get fuller, sexier lips with Free Trial!"

	"Even worse!" said Ultimate Mercenary.  "A spammer!"

	The spammer took swings at the three heroes with its fists, and they
only just managed to evade it..  "Find the right one with Jewish
personals!  Slither demented!  Keats hypocycloid!  Accusative
expiration!"

	The three heroes ducked into a small crevice in the wall, the spammer
charging full speed after them.  It hit the wall and fell to the ground
unconscious, but rubble fell down from the walls, leaving the three
net.heroes trapped.  "Online pharmaceuticals light bulb stalactites
about 999..." the spammer groaned.

	"So what now?" said Pointless Awards Man IV.

	Haiku Gorilla said:

	"Look around you now.
	"Flies buzz in vomit of drunks.
	"We're in RACCCafe."

	"But that doesn't make any sense!"  said Ultimate Mercenary.  "Does
that mean the moon is inside RACCCafe?  My head hurts..."

	But no one answered him, because suddenly...