[LNH/ACRA] Killfile Wars #5
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Jul 2 15:44:34 PDT 2006
Teryaki Chick and Onion Lad fled the yellow energy globe as the
pavement turned to I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter. Cars sank
beneath the ocean of butter flavored slop and street signs fell to the
"Shouldn't we run or something," Onion Lad asked.
"Not till we get somewhere where the civilians are out of harm's
"Well... um... in... uh... a city of ten million people is where
exactly?" he asked.
The energy globe shot the ground right behind in Onion Lad. He leapt
in the air. The globe continued to glow. It prepared to fire.
>From another alleyway a cloaked man dove out and charged in the fray.
"Nowhere," the man said. "I'll take things from here."
"Thank you," Onion Lad said as he took a better look at the man.
The Killfile Wars #5 of 6
In the Family
By Jesse N. Willey
Onion Lad fled the scene and ran back through the rubble and yellow
mess toward LNH headquarters. He'd dealt with Killfile before but
that was with help. He knew that he and Teryaki Chick were
outmatched. It is too bad that she didn't seem to think so.
"Come now Darius, you brought this on yourself," Killfile said.
"It's an old story really. Older than people tend think."
"Die brother!" Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter shouted.
Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter fired a transmutive blast
at Killfile. Killfile deflected the blast with a counter burst of his
own. The energy dissipated.
"Is that all you have to say? We are learned men. Oxford educated
no less. 'Die Brother' sounds like a background character in a
bad gangster movie. Now, in that story I was talking about... how did
it go again?" Killfile said as he shot Butter back. "Ah yes....
Two brothers. One strong and powerful. The other weak and mild
mannered. The brothers had a minor disagreement. The weak one
thinks the strong one is wrong about something.... so The Weak one
challenges him. Well... we bother know how this story ends."
Screw You Over Lad got out of bed. The alarm sirens were going
haywire. He raced into the monitor room. Each of the dozens of
screens were blinking messages of urgent and yellow alert. The
screen for Deliah's activities was blank. He knew that would only
happen if she were dead.
"Oh well... I didn't like her very much anyway," he said. Then
he opened the channel to Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter.
"Hey uncle, how's the plan."
"Completely SNAFU. The Doberman has left the pound and boy is he
angry," I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter said and turned away from
his monitoring device. "Of course, in that story only one of the
brother's was psychotic serial killers."
Killfile began absorbing energy from the globe. It flickered before
turned back into Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter. Butter
gasped as Killfile punched him in the stomach.
"You'd think that mattered, but you know what? It doesn't mean
Jack Shit. You know why?" Killfile said as he kicked Butter in his
tender regions. "Because you were talking on your cellphone. Did
you know that the NTSB studies have shown that driving while talking on
the phone is more dangerous than driving drunk yet no state has banned
Butter coughed and wheezed.
"But it was a...," he coughed again. "Hands free device."
Killfile swiftly smashed his bare heads against
Can't-Believe-It's-Not- Butter's ears. He fell unconcious.
Killfile threw I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not Butter into a nearby cop
"Holy crap! It's Doctor Killfile!" one of the cops said as he
pointed his gun at Killfile.
"Don't even think about, Constable," He said. "I have other
matters to attend to. I know convicted felons can't actually
collect the reward money. Do make sure the three million dollar
reward finds its way to Saint Jude's. I mean think of the
Angelica led Dalton down to the bunker. The lights were glowing and
the equipment running. She thought she had shut them off when The
Team broke up years before and she didn't remember telling The
Computer to reactivate them. Voices were stirring in the background.
"Stay alert," Angelica said.
"Freckles, I don't think we have anything to worry about. It
could be the automated maintenance system," Duplicator said. "If
you're so worried. Mindscan the base."
Angelica tried not to flash her 'I forgot I could do that' smile.
Josh didn't mind and thought it was cute. At the very mention of
mind scan, Dalton tightened the grip tinfoil on his head walked ahead
and leaned his ears against the door.
"Well, this is a surprise," Duplicator said.
"It's Rick, Doctor Forge and somebody who isn't to happy to be
working with them," Angelica replied.
"Probably Electra. I love it when chaos becomes a plan," Dalton
"And you can let go of the foil, I've stopped scanning now,"
The door to the laboratory whooshed open. Carolyn walked out and
almost knocked Dalton over. He stumbled back and barely avoided
falling into a trash can.
"Oh... there you are. We've got to jet. Doctor Killfile is
attacking downtown Net.tropolis. The LNH is requesting assistance,"
she said. She turned to Dalton almost as an afterthought. "Oh...
hey Dalton. Electra was worried about you."
"I think it's best if she stays here. If I've found what I
think I've found, we all in some serious elephant excrement,"
"What?" Electra said. "What did you find?"
"I didn't want to say this till we spoke privately but," Dalton
said. He paused for a moment, as if pondering how to say something
without meaningless technobabble but simultaneously being tactful.
"You're a Tyco Remote Controlled Super Assassin."
"What all kids will be asking for next Christmas," Josh said.
The room filled with silence.
"What?" he asked.
The Computer switched on a flat screen TV by itself.
"Doctor Forge... others... this is Fred. Can you speed things up?
We've upgraded to condition black. We're talking World War
"She's a humdinger-folk singer," Dalton responded.
"We'll warm up the hyperspatial corridor and be right there. The
remains of Teenfactor and The Team are at your service," Carolyn
"Uh... would that be Teamfactor?" Angelica whispered.
"No... that sounds like something you'd see printed on an eight
year old's lunchbox," Electra said. Carolyn coughed. "Right, no
offense to Sammy."
Dalton walked back toward the door.
"Look, Electra I did my part..." He said. "I'm going to one
of my hidey holes. You can figure out the Weinstein connection on
your own. Electra, you can meet me at D.C. point next Thursday... you
know, if you survive."
"You aren't coming with us?" Electra asked.
"I've told you guys before.... I'm not the type who pins a towel
to the back of my shirt and play cops and robbers. If you need a
Scrabble player though, I'm in," he said.
The spacecraft cleared the space marker. Vel breathed a sigh of
relief as the craft entered Dorfan space. Marcia fed the baby some
formula as the hyperdrive hummed. Baby drifted off to space.
"Vel, are you sure this is a good idea? It isn't this sort of
kidnapping," Marcia asked. "Jen did not seem happy."
"You can't kidnap your own son," he said. "Besides,
Jennifer's ignorance would kill Dran. I'm taking him some place
to get therapy and treatment. It's the only way."
"But taking the child away from his mother... isn't that a bit
extreme," she asked.
Vel looked stared out the window for a second.
"If you're feeling bad about it now... but Dran in my lap. Then
go out the airlock. I'm not turning this cab around," Vel said.
"Dran here suffers a potentially fatal error on the genetic
components that generally cause a super powered organism to have a
defense against the hazardous effects of their own powers."
"And you're afraid your not being super powered caused this,"
"That's part of it. It most cases this isn't serious. This
time-it's-it's-well do you know the long term effects of zero
gravity on a basically human body? Nausea, brittle bones, lack of
muscular development, pulmonary disease, a weakened immune system and
that's just the start. If I let Jen do things her way it'd be a
death sentence," Vel said. "When the choice is life or death your
choice is pretty simple. Go for life. Death is a son of a bitch."
For the second time in less than twenty four hours, Ultimate Ninja
came across his own dead body. This time he wasn't so shocked. He
didn't really need Cheesecake Eater Lad and Stomper at his side this
time. The trail of destruction Killfile left through the building was
massive. A few doors were torn off or melted. One of the
building's outer walls was blown off. Of course some of the other
team members claimed the damage was being done by Master Blaster.
"Stomper, what do we have on the body?" Ninja said.
"Hard to tell with all the burns. It looks like severe bludgeoning
and some plasma burns," Stomper said.
"We also found some sort of coin on the body," said Cheesecake
"Oh?" Ninja asked.
"Yes, one of those commemorative coins that they sell at
presidential inaugurations. This one is from 1996," Stomper said.
"Only this one makes no sense..."
"Why? Killfile strikes me as the Bob Dole type, but he probably
just wanted to Clinton coin to complete his set," Ninja said.
"Does the name Wes Gas mean anything to you?" Stomper asked.
"No... should it?" Ninja asked.
"No..." Stomper said. "He was a third party candidate back in
1992. He was so unpopular that even Lyndon Larousche got a higher
percentage of the vote. He tried to raise money to run again but
Buchanan was stealing all his support. He committed suicide in
"Don't blame me, I voted for Bartlett," whispered Cheesecake
"Quiet you..." Ninja said. "I have to contact all active
"You know, speaking of which," Cheesecake Eater Lad replied.
"Your duplicate's communication card is missing."
"Why is that important?" Ninja said. "What could anyone do with
Killfile opened up the communication card again. With a small pair
of tweezers he gently adjusted some to the microcircutry. He licked
his lips and then closed the card shut again.
"No matter what timeline I'm in... I'm always brilliant. That
other me had a great plan. He only made one tiny mistake. Never get
involved with your test subject," Killfile said. "Luckily, I can I
learn from my mistakes."
To be Concluded....
Teryaki Chick, Screw You Over Lad, Angelica Weinstein, Dalton Asters,
Joshua Chestefield, Rick Henkerton, Vel, Marcia and Dran created by
Jesse N. Willey. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr and Dane
Martin. Reserved by Jesse N. Willey but is usable with permission.
Doctor I-Can't-Believe-It's-Not-Butter created by Dane Martin and
is reserved by Jesse N. Willey. Electra and Carolyn Forge created by
Tom Russell Jnr. Reserved by Jesse N. Willey Ultimate Ninja and
Cheesecake Eater Lad created by wReam. Doctor Killfile, Fred, and
Doctor Stomper are public domain.
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