LNH: Captain Everything #1

Jamas Enright thad at eyrie.org
Sat May 15 16:59:19 PDT 2004

[Disclaimer: The author had no knowledge of "Normalman" before writing
this, and any similarity is purely coincidental.]

************************ BLUE LIGHT PRODUCTIONS **************************
******************************* PRESENTS *********************************
************************** CAPTAIN EVERYTHING ****************************
********************************* #1 *************************************

	[The cover is a montage of Captain Everything helping people and
			stopping crimes.]


                         "Speeed, Part I"

Captain Everything waved at the people on the street as he passed them by,
and they waved back, glad to see this hero in their city. His distinctive
blue spandex with red strips was greeted with smiles, and his red cape
made people's eyes light up with happiness. (He had tried white spandex to
start with, but that didn't work well against his dark skin.)
     Yes, Got.ham city was proud of its new superhero, and he was proud of
the city. Always ready to leap into action, and save the helpless citizens
from whatever troubled them.
     "Stop that man!"
     Captain Everything swung around to see a figure in black dart across
the street, and through the cars driving along it. Barely raising an
eyebrow, he brought up his hand and threw out a power beam right into the
figure's path.
     However, the man was as fazed by that as he was by the cars, the beam
just passing through his body. And, unfortunately, the power beam drew the
man's attention, and he focussed on Captain Everything, grinning at the
captain's seeming helplessness in the face of his own abilities. Turning
quickly, he ran straight for the superhero, ready to show the captain up
by running through him.
     Undeterred, Captain Everything simply clapped his hands together,
creating a sonic boom that hit the man full force. The man fell backwards
as his feet kept going forwards but his head was pushed backwards, and he
collapsed on the footpath, now fully solid.
     Captain Everything strode up to him. "Let that be a lesson to you,
you scoundrel. Never try the forces of goodness, for they shall win every
     By this time, the woman who had originally called out had caught up
with them, and she picked up the bag the man had been carrying. "Thank
you, Captain Everything. He robbed my jewelry store, and would have gotten
away if you hadn't stopped him."
     "Never worry, ma'am, for Captain Everything is here! I'll make sure
this miscreant is handed over to the proper authorities. Not even a minor
crime like this shall escape the attention of Captain Everything!"


Commissioner Hamilton rested his head on his arms. "How ever did we get
like this?"
     "I blame that Writer's Block Woman, myself," Chief Repp replied.
"After she was here, all sorts of superheroes crawled out of the woodwork,
but Captain Everything is the only one who stayed here. And to be honest,
commissioner, he is helping us a lot."
     "At least the museum is still standing," the commissioner said.
"Sooner or later, you just know that he's going to pull in one of the
major villains, and then we'll really be in trouble." [Writer's Block
Woman's previous visit, and what happened to the museum, can be read about
in the Got.ham miniseries. - Footnote Girl]
     "Speaking of the museum, sir, we'd had confirmation that Lady
Burgenstock will be making the presentation tomorrow."
     Commissioner Hamilton straightened up at this. "Ah, Lady Burgenstock,
such a fine lady. Yes, yes, we must make sure everything is ready.
Although," he continued after a moment, "I'm not sure if we should make
sure Captain Everything is there, or make sure he isn't."
     "I'll take care of it, sir, nothing will go wrong."


The hotelier yawned, blinked his eyes, then nearly jumped out of his skin
as Mr. Quick was standing before him. He was sure that he hadn't seen Mr.
Quick approach the desk, but that was no excuse.
     "Yes, Mr. Quick, sir, how can I help you?"
     "I'm just checking to see if there are any messages for me," Mr.
Quick replied, resting a hand on the desktop.
     "One moment, please sir, I will check." Turning around, the hotelier
could hear the drumming start, as Mr. Quick started tapping on the
desktop. He winced for a moment at the sound, but didn't let it bother
him. Much.
     Extracting an envelope from the appropriate cubby-hole, the hotelier
returned to the desk. "Just this, sir."
     "Thank you," Mr. Quick replied, then vanished again.
     The hotelier blinked, then blinked again to make sure his eyes
weren't playing tricks on him. After discretely making sure no-one was
around, he leaned over the desk to see if Mr. Quick had somehow ducked
down out of sight, but there was no sign of him anywhere.
     Returning to his position, the hotelier sighed. At least he payed

Up in his room, Mr. Quick opened the envelope and extracted a piece of
cardboard with just a phone number on it. Dialing the number, he was
greeted by the sound of the phone being picked up, and breathing, but
nothing else.
     "This is Speeed," Mr. Quick said. "Your bill starts now."
     A calm voice replied "The museum is opening a new exhibit tomorrow,
displaying the finest display of diamonds in the world. Whilst that would
be of interest enough, I would like particularly the Burgenstock diamond."
     "Check. Burgenstock diamond, others if available. Name the drop


Captain Everything was honoured to be one of the select group of people to
attend the opening presentation, featuring the unveiling of the
Burgenstock diamond. He mingled with the crowd, his outfit standing even
more amidst the men wearing evening suits and the women in splendid gowns.
     He held a glass of champagne, but this was more for show as he did
not drink, but he raised it in toast to respond to anyone who toasted him.
     Captain Everything spotted the Got.ham city commissioner and chief of
police. He had talked to them before, when he had been at a scene they had
arrived at, but hadn't been invited to talk to them before, which was
another reason he was surprised to get the invitation now.
     There was a sudden hush, spreading out from the main doors, that made
Captain Everything turn to see Lady Burgenstock sweep into the room. She
was a handsome mature woman, with a very regal bearing. She was attired in
a full-length red dress, which off-set her white skin strikingly. Her hair
was the same colour red, which made Captain Everything suspect it was a
wig, but he immediately chastised himself for the thought. A lady's
cosmetic affairs was nothing to do with him.
     Commissioner Hamilton immediately moved to her side, and offered her
a glass of champagne, which she took in gloved hands with a tight smile
that didn't reach her eyes. As they circulated the room, Captain
Everything took advantage of the moment to move closer to the covered
display to be revealed later, trying to get an early glimpse.
     The banner above the display read "The Finest Diamonds in the World",
but as yet the covered diamond was the only one present, the other display
cases to be brought out later once the centre piece was revealed.
     Captain Everything was about to see if he could slip behind the
display for a better look when a voice interrupted him.
     "My Lady, allow me to present Got.ham's very own superhero, Captain
     Captain Everything turned, and his eyes made contact with Lady
Burgenstock's. There was a spark of impatience in there, and not a little
amusement, and he got the impression that it was at everyone but hers
expense. Her eyes widened a little as she took his appearance in fully,
and then they sweeped up and down his body and Captain Everything nearly
shivered as he felt himself being appraised like a piece of meat.
     "Lady Burgenstock," Captain Everything intoned formally, taking the
offered hand and bending down to kiss it.
     "My, how gallant," Lady Burgenstock said. "It's so nice to meet a
superhero that knows how to behave properly."
     "My Lady," Captain Everything replied. "I cannot act any other way,
for I am here to serve to the best of my abilities for the good of this
fine city."
     "But of course you are," said Lady Burgenstock, a smile twitching her
lips, before she dismissed Captain Everything by walking on to the next
     The social pleasentaries continued for another half-hour, before
Commissioner Hamilton and Lady Burgenstock mounted a dais.
     "Ladies and gentlemen," Commissioner Hamilton announced. "If I may
have your attention. We are here today to celebrate the opening of a new
display here at the newly restored museum. The centrepiece of the display
is courtesy of our honoured guest, who, indeed, is largely responsible for
the restoration of this museum. I would like to present to you our
honoured patron, Lady Burgenstock."
     Commissioner Hamilton gave the floor to Lady Burgenstock, amid much
applause. She waited patiently for the noise to die down, before she
     "Thank you all for your kind gesture and words tonight. I like to
think I help our fine country when I can, and this is but a small token of
my true appreciation at the treasures on display in this very museum." She
paused as more applause broke out. "This particular piece I'm about to
show you has been in my family for many years. It was retrieved from South
Africa by my grandfather, and remains one of the largest pieces of diamond
found in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, the Burgenstock diamond."
     Lady Burgenstock reached up and pulled on a nearby bell-rope. A
mechanism operated that lifted the cloth, and the assembled crowd gasped
at what was revealed. The diamond was perfect in every detail, light
spilling around and through it in ways to dazzle the mind. But its most
impressive feature was its size: it was larger than a person's head.
     However, people were not given a chance to appreciate it before
alarms broke out, and gates slammed down over the entrances. Looks of
alarm crossed people's faces, but Captain Everything was already on the
     He launched himself towards Lady Burgenstock, intending to pull her
to safety, when someone else crashed into him, sending them both sprawling
to the floor. The other figure was dressed in black, and was starting to
rise when Captain Everything clamped a hand on his leg.
     "No so fast, my friend. There's a few questions we need to have
answered first."
     Captain Everything could easy hear the reply, despite the alarms,
thanks to his super hearing, although the words that the man spoke were
hardly fit to be said in polite company, let alone heard.
     "Foul language is the sign of a lazy mind," Captain Everything
admonished. However, he got no further as there was a snap, then pain
flared through Captain Everything's wrist.
     "Get away from me," the man hissed, before vanishing from Captain
Everything's sight.
     Acting quickly himself, Captain Everything threw out power beams,
surrounding the diamond, although he was handicapped by having one hand
broken. One of them must have struck, as there was a cry of pain, and the
man in black again collapsed onto the ground.
     "That's enough of that, foul varlet," Captain Everything announced,
as the alarms suddenly ceased. Everyone could now pay attention to the
fight that had erupted in their midst. "Perhaps you could at least be kind
enough to introduce yourself."
     The man glanced around the crowd. "You want a name? Fine." There was
a blur, then a ripping sound, then the man was standing before Captain
Everything again.
     Captain Everything looked up, and saw that the banner now had several
holes in it. While the holes weren't perfect, he could easily make out the
name SPEEED.
     "Well, 'Speeed', I think I have shown you that you cannot defeat me.
Give yourself up." Despite his broken wrist, Captain Everything stood
     Speeed looked around, taking in the gates. He held up his hands.
"Fair enough. I give up."
     Captain Everything was startled. Despite his hopes, he was hardly
expecting Speeed to give in so easily. "Very well then," he said. "I'm
glad to see you've come to your senses. Guards."
     Guards came forward, and one snapped a pair of handcuffs on Speeed's
wrists. They escorted Speeed towards the doors, and gates rose obligingly.
     "Bye," said Speeed, then a moment later he was gone, the guards left
holding empty air.
     Captain Everything gave chase, but it was all too evident that Speeed
had left. All that remained was a pair of handcuffs, melted by friction.


"I'm sorry about your hand," Commissioner Hamilton said, as he, Captain
Everything and Chief Repp gathered in the commissioner's office later that
     Captain Everything glanced down at the plaster cast. "Think nothing
of it, Commissioner Hamilton. I heal quickly, and will be back in form
ready for the action tonight."
     Commissioner Hamilton and Chief Repp exchanged glances. "What do you
mean, Captain Everything?" Chief Repp asked. "What action tonight?"
     "Surely you fine gentlemen must realize that Speeed will try again to
capture the Burgenstock diamond. And tonight will be the perfect chance
when the museum is empty. I shall be waiting there tonight, ready for when
the villain makes his move."
     Commissioner Hamilton felt a wave of weariness pass over him. Not the
museum again! "Are you sure he'll be trying again so soon?"
     "He's a wicked fellow, but he's not stupid, despite his language
skills. And he is very quick," Captain Everything admitted. "I'm sure he
thinks he'll be successful in his next attempt, and will make it at the
first opportunity. Which would be tonight."
     "That makes sense, Captain Everything," Chief Repp agreed. "Do you
want any of my men there to back to up?"
     "No, thank you, Chief Repp. I wouldn't want anyone else to be
endangered by the foul deeds that will occur. Please, though, arrange to
have someone available to switch on the lights at my request. But may I
suggest not to bother with the gates."
     "But Captain Everything, that will probably be the only thing
stopping him escaping," Chief Repp declared.
     "I doubt it. Those handcuffs were melted in an instant, once Speeed
had the chance to apply friction. If, somehow, he gets by me, I doubt even
those metal gates would even slow him down, and they might hamper my own
efforts to reapprehend him."
     Captain Everything rose and shook their hands. "Thank you, gentlemen,
I'm sure we'll be working together again soon."


The museum was silent. At this time of night, nothing stirred, except dust
motes carried on the currents of the air conditioner.
     Into this silent trod the heavy stride of Captain Everything. He
looked around interestedly, noting everything in the rooms he passed.
Finally, he came to the diamond exhibit. All around him were display
cabinets, showing off the finest collection of diamonds Got.ham had to
offer. In centre place was the Burgenstock diamond, reflecting even the
faint ambient light with almost dazzling power.
     Captain Everything brought up the walkie-talkie. "All right, I'm in
position. Switch on the lights."
     The captain was forced to shield his eyes momentarily as the room
lights exploded into brightness. The refractions from the smaller diamonds
were blinding enough, but the large diamond threw out rainbow brilliant
beams that made even the marvelous captain wince.
     Shaking his eyes clear, the captain admired the room. "I would like
to see Speeed try taking the diamonds here, under the guard of Captain
     Captain Everything spun around as his super-hearing picked up a sigh.
In the doorway behind him stood the insolent figure of the super-freak.
     "Wh... why do you even bother?" Speeed asked, baffled by the
superhero before him. "It's not like you had even the slightest chance
against me."
     "I fight evil in all its forms, and you are a blaggard of the most
foulest type," Captain Everything declared.
     "But, I mean, look." A moment later, there was a crash, and then
before Captain Everything had time to blink, Speeed was holding up some of
the diamonds in front of his face. "I've already got these. How long,
really, do you think it will take for me to get the rest, even that rather
gaudy piece up there."
     Even as Captain Everything cast his eyes towards the Burgenstock
diamond by reflex, Speeed was on his way. Half the cabinets in the room
had been cleared of their contents before Captain Everything caught up
with events and acted.
     But when he acted, he acted well. Power beams flew from Captain
Everything's hands, circulated the ground at knee height. They flared out,
blanketing the room, and caught Speeed as he moved to another cabinet.
Speeed fell, his momentum sending him flying head first into the very
cabinet he was going to steal from next.
     Speeed floundered on the ground. "Okay. Good move there."
     Captain Everything grinned. "That's only the start, you menace to
society." Captain Everything whipped off his cape, sending it towards the
prone form on the ground. Even as Speeed started to move, it wrapped
itself around his legs, stopping him.
     "You know, you're starting to actually annoy me. I might have to do
something about that."
     Picking up a nearby diamond, Speeed tore at the cape, reducing it to
shreds in moments. "Right then."
     Captain Everything readied himself, but staggered under the rain of
blows that suddenly impacted on his body. Turning around so that the
multitude of blows fell on his back, Captain Everything clapped his hands
together hard.
     The boom ran around the room, smashing the remaining glass cabinets
that Speeed hadn't yet touched. But it also smashed into Speeed's ears,
making him reel in pain.
     However, he wasn't the only one in trouble. The blows had taken a
toll, and Captain Everything collapsed to the ground, panting. He could
feel bruises already starting to form, but that wasn't going to stop him.
Taking a deep breath, he stood and once again turned to face the villain.
     Speeed was also standing, but this was with the aid of a cabinet to
retain his balance. The damage to his ears was already nearly repaired
thanks to his enhanced metabolism, but that didn't mean he was ready to go
another round just yet. However, it was time to take off the kid gloves.
His employer didn't want any deaths being marked against him, but Speeed
was rapidly approaching the point of not caring.
     Captain Everything sent another power beam towards Speeed, but Speeed
was already across the room, going for another cabinet. By the time
Captain Everything decided to focus on protecting the Burgenstock diamond,
Speeed had nearly finish clearing the rest of the cabinets.
     Using his heat vision, Captain Everything raised the temperature of
the large diamond until it was too hot for anyone to hold. Then he
surrounded the diamond by a layer of ice, courtesy of his freezing breath.
     Speeed looked up at the diamond, the ice forming a protective barrier
and preserving the heat the diamond now contained. There was no way he
could break it, but then he wasn't going to be the one touching it.
     He positioned himself across the room from Captain Everything, making
himself a tempting target.
     "All right then, Captain Everything. Come and get me then."
     Not taking chances, Captain Everything fired power beams first, which
Speeed easily avoided. However, seeing his chance, Captain Everything
fired a multitude of power beams, some focussed, some blanket, then ran
towards his enemy.
     Speeed saw his own chance come, and took it by leaving. Exiting
through another door, he raced through the museum, then back into the
diamond room through the original entrance. Which placed him right behind
the captain, and with plenty of momentum.
     Choosing his place carefully, Speeed crouched as he rang, then jumped
up, grabbing hold of Captain Everything as he did, and heaved him into the
air. And straight into the Burgenstock diamond.
     Captain Everything crashed into the barrier, his own power beams
still firing and breaking the ice. Which left the superhot diamond.
Captain Everything screamed as he touched it, but his own momentum kept
him going, away from the diamond which fell in another direction.
     Speeed picked up a piece of the cape which had bound him, and used it
to fan the diamond at super speed, cooling it down so he could handle it.
He reached down to pick it up, and nearly had his hand crushed by the foot
of Captain Everything as he slid in to kick the diamond away.
     Hissing in frustration, Speeed easily caught up with the diamond, and
placed it on the pile of diamonds he had already collected, then took a
step back to make sure he had every piece.
     That step back meant he was out of the way as a power beam smashed
into the pile, scattering the diamonds around the room again. Speeed
glared at the beaming captain.
     "That's it, Captain! You're going down," Speeed fumed in a
dangerously quiet voice. Contract be damned.
     "No matter what you try, foul fiend, I shall defeat you!" Captain
Everything boasted, striking a suitably heroic pose.
     "Really?" asked Speeed, cocking his head to one side.
     There was a momentary blur, then a sickening crack, followed by a wet
     Speeed gathered up the diamonds, then left. All that remained in the
room was empty cabinets, and the broken-necked body of a super-hero to be
found by the police when they came to investigate.

NEXT ISSUE: Um, bugger...

CREDITS: All mine.

Jamas Enright
"Answers answered and questions questioned."
Homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/
Blue Light Productions homepage: http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/blip/

"If a great state has decided by law that twice two is five, it would be
foolish to allow mathematicians to testify." - Comment during the Scopes
Monkey Trial.

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