RACCCAFE: The Death of the RACCCafe

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Fri Jun 25 17:13:52 PDT 2004

"Arrrrghhghghg!!!" raged Arthur Spitzer impotently.  "Man, it's tough 
writing dialogue for yourself when you have writer's block"

A frustrated Arthur Spitzer took another sip out of his Shirley Temple.   
He looked at the bartender.  "Do you know what it's like having a 
million ideas in your head and not being able to write a single one?"

Tippy O'Tipp, the RACCCafe bartender with helpful writing tips for all 
RACC writers stopped cleaning the glass in his hand with a dirty rag for 
a second and stroked his chin thoughtfully.  "Umm.. could ye 'um e few 
bars, laddy."

"It's not the name of a song!!  God, that jokes so old.  I've got a bad 
case of writer's block!"

"Ooh, Writer's Block!   Aye, there's e pickle for ye.  What e'd do if 'e 
were ye would be to write e story about e writer 'oo has writer's block 
'oo writes e story about e writer 'oo 'as writer's block."

"What the--??  How can I write a story about a guy who has writer's 
block, if I have writer's block!!??  And how is the fictional character 
in the story supposed to write a story if he has writer's block!!?"

"Hmm-- well 'e guess the fictional character probably 'as some keend of 
magic ring that removes 'es writer's block when 'e writes stories.  
Anywee, that's not really the important part o' the story.  Ye see the 
important part is about this cyborg ninja biker lassie 'oo wants to kill 
our writer before 'e can write the story about the gee 'oo has writer's 
block.  But because 'e has amnesia 'e can't remember whee the biker 
lassie wants to kill 'em.  And somewhere in the story there's this cool 
scene with the biker lassie getting into 'e motorcycle chainsaw duel 
with 'e talking gorilla that wears 'e cowboy het!"

Arthur Spitzer just stared silently with his mouth gaped open.

"And e've even got e' great title fur it.  Get this, 'Writer's Block 
Busters Rumble'.  Come to think o' it, it might make e better video game 
than short story.  Well, what do ye think?"

"I think I want to drink myself to death."

"Fine!  Be that wee!  e'll just take me brilliant idee to one of the 
more appreciative RACC writers!!"  An angry Tippy O'Tipp stormed off to 
another section of the bar.

And before our hero, Arthur R. Spitzer, could drink himself to death, he 
felt the entire Cafe shake.  Some incredibly large unstoppable force was 
coming into the RACCCafe.  Like some character that he created a long 
time ago, but never bothered to write a story for.  He always meant to, 
but well you know how things go.....

"It's been a long hard day.  You lost your job.  Your wife left you.  
All your pets are dead.  You're on the FBI's most wanted list.   And it 
could be that you have developed leprosy.  But forget all that.  Now 
it's time to open up your fridge and release a big can of the super-
villain that never lets you down.  The cool refreshing super-villain 
that makes you feel good about yourself even if you're just a sad 
pathetic loser.  Because it's that time of the day.." an announcers 
voice invaded its way into the cafe. "IT'S CHUGGERNAUT TIME!!!!!!!!!!".

A large hulk of a man in what suspiciously looked like a Bud-Man costume 
crashed through the wall.   Beer commercial energy crackled from his 

"Yes people.  The long drought of reading pointless superhero stories in 
which I wasn't the super-villain is finally over with.  You may rejoice 
for, Yes, I'm back!!  And, yes ladies, I'm still single."  The 
Chuggernaut flexed one of his massive biceps.

The JONG Company presents:

               *****************       *****************
                 **                                 **
               ******  The Death of the RACCCafe  ******
                 **                                 **
               *****************       *****************

"Welcome, Mr. Chuggernaut," greeted the RACCCafe maitre d'hotel. "We're 
a bit crowded tonight, although luckily we have a seat reserved for you 
in the JONG section of the RACCCafe."

"The JONG...?  There must be some mistake here.  I'm one of the few 
characters that people actually care about.   I'm a Jeff McCoskey 
creation.  I should be seated with the cool characters."

"Umm.. I'm sorry Mr. Chuggernaut, but it says here that you're a 
creation of Arthur Velk's and property of the JONG Company."

"Thas, Athuh Spizzer!" slurred a drunken Arthur Spitzer.

"No!  That's not true!  That's a lie!  Jeff McCoskey created me!  He had 
to have created me!" the Chuggernaut said lifting the maitre d'hotel and 
shaking him violently.  "I'm too cool not to be a Jeff McCoskey 

"Nah.  I lef you on his door slep... ran la bell.. an got la el out of 
lere."  Arthur Spitzer pointed out to the Chuggernaut.

"No!  This can't be!  Jeff McCoskey straighten these people out!  
Shrivel these lies with your glorious Bud-Lite!" pleaded the Chuggernaut 
gazing into the heavens.

"Please, Jeff.  I need you now more than I ever needed you before!"  the 
Chuggernaut said kneeling on the floor waiting for a miracle.

"Why hast thou forsaken me, Joltin' Jeff?" despaired the Chuggernaut 
after awhile.

Eventually the Chuggernaut got up.  "Fine!  You're off my Christmas Card 
list!  Okay where's this stupid JONG table!"

"Well you have a choice of sitting at the regular JONG table, the 
Saviors of the Net table, or the Legion of Net.Hippies table."

"I have no desire to sit with religious freaks or dope fiends.  Just put 
me at the regular table."

The maitre d'hotel directed the Chuggernaut to the regular JONG table 
filled with characters that would probably have been better off never 
being created.

"Guess I should have picked the table with the dope fiends," regretted 
the Chuggernaut as he sat down.  "So who are you bozos?"

"Well, I'm Foreshadowing Lad," said a man wearing a green spandex 
costume with an eight-ball for a symbol on his chest.  "I've been in a 
coma for the past ten years.  Actually, I guess I'm still in a coma.  
Man, my life really sucks."

"That short green toad like creature in the boxer shorts stuffing beer 
nuts and pretzels up his nose is called the Slobbering Grue!  We used to 
share a comic together, well, before I was put in a coma.  He's also 
currently in a coma," continued Foreshadowing Lad.

"The passed out trenchcoater on the floor I believe is named Dr. 
Deadbeat.  I'm not sure, but it could be that he's also in a coma.  Then 
again maybe he's just dead.  He's been still for awhile now."

"That guy over there is the superhero known as Ubiquitous Boy, or is it 

"Nope.  I'm Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. the sidekick to Ubiquitous Boy's 
sidekick Ubiquitous Lad.  Or is it the other way around.  Anyways, I'm a 
sidekick to a sidekick which in the superhero hierarchy is pretty damn 
low.  I *wish* I was in coma.  That would be an improvement!"

"And the old weirdo that looks like a can of Mr. Paprika?" the 
Chuggernaut said pointing to the old weirdo that looked like a can of 
Mr. Paprika.

"I'm not sure," Foreshadowing replied.  "I've been afraid to ask."

"What?!  How can you people not remember me?  I'm Mr. Paprika!  I was 
the mastermind behind the Omaha Project!  I was a billionaire with a 
massive army at my command.  It was I who thought up the idea for 
'Ultimate Mr. Paprika' as well as the Mr. Paprika frisbee!  Someone 
please!  Put me in a story!  I beg you!  I've got tons of money!  I can 
pay you!!  For pity's sake!!  Just one story!!  Saxon Brenton, I need 
you!!" wept Mr. Paprika.

"And don't forget me!  The Easily-Discovered Bran Mite!" said a very 
tiny mite near the pretzel bowl.  "Damn, they can't seem to hear me.  
But it doesn't matter.  All that matters is my vendetta against you, 
Easily-Discovered Man Lite.  I will destroy your family, your friends, 
your CD collection, Lite.  Everything.  And when you are reduced to a 
broken mass of pulp, it will be me, not you who has the last pun!!  
Oww.. watch where you're throwing those beer nuts!!"

"God, this place is boring!" the Chuggernaut yawned as he flicked 
another beer nut across the room.  "This place needs something."

"A karaoke machine?" suggested Mr. Paprika.

"No.  God no.  Wait!  Now I remember."  And with that the Chuggernaut 
slammed his mystical beer bottle on the table.  A vortex of beer 
commercial energy flew out of it and swept through the RACCCafe.  In 
minutes every empty space in the Cafe was replaced by hot jiggling girls 
in wet T-shirts and bikinis dancing and jumping around.  Some of them 
even had hula hoops!

The Slobbering Grue! stopped cramming beer nuts up his nose and just 
stared.  And then he looked back at the Chuggernaut with worshipping 
eyes and tears dripping from his mouth.  "You're-- you're my hero!!  You 
have saved me from the sad place I was in and put me into a happy place!  
How can I ever repay you?  Wait!  I know!  I'll be your number one fan!  
No, wait!   Your sidekick!  Wait!  Your disciple!  Yes!  And I'll go 
door to door to convert others to the Way of the Chuggernaut!  No wait!  
That sounds to hard!  Maybe you should just tell me what I should do?"

"You could start off by *not* drooling on my boots!!!  Go make a statue 
of me or something!!  I don't really care as long as you just go!  
You're really starting to gross me out!"

"As you wish, Great God of all Master Lords!!"  Slobbering! took the 
bowl of beer nuts and went off to create a massive statue of the 
Chuggernaut made of beer nuts and pretzels.

"Maybe I should become a disciple too," Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. said to 
himself. "Not like there's anything on TV tonight."

"Ooh!  I want to be a disciple too!" shouted Mr. Paprika.  "Please!  
Pretty Please!!  I'll give you a million dollars!!"

"Five mill," said an annoyed Chuggernaut.

"It's a deal!" a rejoiced Mr. Paprika said handing the Chuggernaut wads 
of cash.

"Damn.  Should have asked for Ten Mill," the Chuggernaut said as he 
reluctantly took the cash.

"What about me?" squeaked the Easily-Discovered Bran Mite.  "I want to 
be a disciple too!!  Aarrgghh!!  No one can hear me!!  I knew I should 
have brought that megaphone!  This is all your fault, Easily-Discover 
Man Lite!!  You made me forget my megaphone!!  But you'll pay for that 
and all the other sins you have inflicted on mite kind!!!!  You can bet 
your bottom dollar on that, Lite!!!!!"

"Chuggie!!" a sexy red headed voice nibbled at the Chuggernaut's ear.

"Yes, Trixie?"

"These icky dead people on the floor are ruining the party!" Trixie said 
with a pouting face pointing to the corpses that littered the floor.  
(Editor's Note: The reason that there are corpses on the floor is.. oh I 
just remembered that the RACCCafe has no continuity.. so I guess I don't 
have to explain why there are all these corpses on the floor.  Sorry.)

"No!  It's the fact that no one is wearing Hawaiian shirts!  That's why 
this party is dullsville, Chuggie!!" said a blonde in a polka-dotted 
bikini glaring at the red headed Trixie.  The two started to get into 
cat-fight position.

"Girls.. girls.  Settle down!"  Then the Chuggernaut stood up with a 
Solomon like expression on his face.  "Let's do both!" he said slamming 
his beer bottle on the table.

And with that the corpses transformed into corpses wearing Hawaiian 

"You're a genius, Chuggie!!" they both said giving the Chuggernaut a big 
hug.  And then they gave each other a big hug.  And then they started 
making out.  And then they... and then they.. *ahem* let us skip to 
another paragraph.

The Chuggernaut looked at the Beer Utopia he had created.  It was good, 
but still there was something missing from it.  What was it?  Ah, yes.  
And with that he slammed his beer bottle again on the table.  And out of 
the Beer Commercial Zone came a pack of Wild Weiner-National Weiner Dogs 
speeding their way madly through the RACCCafe knocking down anything 
that got in their way.

"Hah!  I love those guys!!"  The Chuggernaut put his hands behind his 
neck and contemplated his next move.  But before he could do that he 
felt an angry tap on his shoulder.

"Look, Chuggernaut," lectured a very stern Sig.Lad, "While we do 
appreciate the hot jiggling girls in wet T-shirts you conjured up, there 
are certain rules that must be followed in the RACCCafe.  These W**n*r-
N*t**n*l W**n*r D*gs are clearly a breach of the whole no unlawful 
copyright abuse.  The Last thing we need is the Mighty Beer Industry 
Lawyers down on our throats.  Plus you've been breaking the 'No Power 
Tripping' rule ever since you walked in.  And this story is already way 
too long!  This isn't the Paul Hardy Happy Hour.  I think it would be 
best if you left right now."

"You're trying to take away my High-Life, aren't you Sig.Lad?"  The 
Chuggernaut popped off the top of his mystical beer bottle.  "Why don't 
you just sit back and have a nice cold draft."  An icy cold draft 
escaped from the bottle freezing Sig.Lad into a huge block of ice before 
he could get out of the way.

"Well, now that that's done I guess there's no sense in delaying this.  
Citizens of the RACCCafe!!  Listen!!  I, the Chuggernaut, am taking over 
this place!!  From this point on the RACCCafe is dead!!  Yep, you heard 
right!!  This place is finished!!  But don't weep because something even 
better is going to rise from the RACCCafe's ashes!  From now and forever 
more this place has a new name!  This place shall be called..."

The Chuggernaut gave a dramatic pause.


Chooters?  Chooters!!???? *Chooters*!!!!?????  What the hell?  Everyone 
in the (Now no longer called the RACCCafe) Chooters looked at Arthur 

"Hey, don't look at me!  I'm drunk and I've got writer's block so.. umm 
I can't possibly be writing this story.  I'm so drunk I sound sober.  
Yeah that's..ummm..  There!! It's that guy over there!!  Yeah, he's the 
one!!  He's writing this story!!  Kill him!!!" Arthur Spitzer said 
pointing to someone over on the other side of the bar.  The angry mob 
(Formally Known as the RACCCafe mob, but now called the 'Chooters' mob) 
looked in the direction that Arthur Spitzer pointed to.

"Whee's everyween lookin' et me fur??!!"  a confused Tippy O'Tipp said 
backing away from the angry (because they're called Chooters) Chooters 
mob.  "Whet did E' doo?  Oww.. wetch 'ose pitch furks!!

"Chooters?" asked a puzzled Mr. Paprika.

"Yeah.. It's like if I had sex with the entire Hooters Restaurant 
Franchise and we had a kid.  That's what I'd name the kid," the 
Chuggernaut explained.

"You know.. I'm pretty sure I didn't need to know that," winced 
Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr.

"You don't think you're going to get away with this, do you 
Chuggernaut?" a defiant Foreshadowing Lad said staring down the 
Inebriated Nemesis.  "Do you think the RACC Writers are just going to 
stand by while you to turn their beloved RACCCafe into this so called 
'Beer Utopia'.  A place where just drinking a beer will solve all life's 
worries?  Where silky soft hands run their fingers through my hair?  
Where very hot supermodels in very wet and very tight T-shirts rub my 
shoulders with their.. ah.. oh.. a little lower.. yes.. that's right... 
oh man.. oh my god.. yes.. yes.. what was I talking about?"

"Talking is boring, Foreshadowy!  Those hot sexy superhero muscles of 
yours are crying out for a thorough massaging!"

"Yes, Foreshadowy.  Sheila's right.  We need to give you a full body 
massage pronto.  And I should know!  I used to be a nurse!" said a hot 
brunette in a nurse bikini outfit with a demanding voice.

"Well, okay.  I guess I can do that.  But after I get my full body 
massage, Chuggernaut.  You.  And me.  We're going to have a very heated 
discussion about the morality of all this.  You can count on that!"

"Take him away girls."  The Chuggernaut took another swig from his beer 
bottle.  This was just the beginning.  One newsgroup after another would 
have a Chooters.  And disciples?  Yeah, that was a good idea.  Jesus had 
what?  Two six packs of disciples?  And since he was more important than 
Jesus he'd have to have at least three or four six packs of disciples.

This was just the beginning.

The beginning of The Chooters Age!!!!


        Next:  Is the RACCCafe really dead?  Or is this just one
                of those stunts they do to boost lagging sales?


Writer's Note:

Man.  That's probably the single longest RACCCafe story ever.  Sorry 
about that.  This was mostly something I did to try and break out of the 
five year writer's block funk I am in.  Also to write a story with the 
Chuggernaut a character I created ten years ago, but never wrote a story 

The RACCCafe was created by Dave Van Domelen.  Here's a link that gives 
the rules of the RACCCafe:


I don't think any of the previous RACCCafe stories are in the eyrie 
archive, so you'll have to go to google if you want to read them.

The RACCCafe thread by Kieran O'Callaghan with the name 'Power Trip' is 
pretty funny.


The Chuggernaut was a character I created for Retcon Hour.  I think my 
original concept was a bum off the street who became the Time Whino 
(misspelling mine, I guess Jeff thought I had intentionally misspelled 
it or he didn't know how to spell wino either) and eventually became the 
Chuggernaut a Galactus like character that drained planets of their beer 
supplies who was going to kidnap the RACCelestial Madonna and force her 
to do beer commercials.  Jeff McCoskey reworked the concept and wrote 
him in LNH Comic Presents #21 all for the better.  Everything that's 
cool about the character is because of Jeff.  The Chuggernaut appeared 
in two stories written by Jeff McCoskey.

These were the two stories (both of which are a lot better than the 
story I wrote):


In his incarnation as the Time Whino, he's an ordinary human with a beer 
bottle than enables him to tap into the Beer Commercial Zone.  The 
drunker he becomes the more powerful he becomes.  Eventually he shifts 
into the Chuggernaut a sort of Beer Commercial Elemental who is 
invulnerable to pretty much anything (with the exception of non-
alcoholic beer which is his kryptonite).  When he's sober he's 
completely powerless.  He can do anything that appears in a beer 

Foreshadowing Lad and the Slobbering Grue! appeared in Jong:


Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. appeared in Jong #4:


Ubiquitous Boy and Lad were characters created by Rob Rogers while 
Ubiquitous Boy Lad Jr. was a throw away joke character that appeared 
only once.

Mr. Paprika appeared in the Omaha Project:


Of all the characters I created, I think I regret creating this one the 
most.  I didn't even get Kevin Wilcox's okay to create him.  I don't 
think anyone could really do anything worthwhile with him, but if you 
want to try you can.

The Easily Discovered Bran-Mite appeared in the Mid.Net Star 20th 
Anniversary Special:


Another Throw away joke character.  I always wanted to see Rob Rogers 
write this character in an issue of Easily-Discovered Man, but that's 
probably never going to happen.  But I can dream.

Dr. Deadbeat appeared in On the Deadbeat:


This is Tippy O'Tipp's first appearance.  I created him to be bartender 
that gives helpful writing tips to RACC Writers that need help.  
Especially with stories that involve chainsaw duels.  He's got a bad 
Irish accent, although maybe it's a Bad Irish/Scottish accent.  Whatever 
it is it's bad.

Ah, what else do I need to say?  I guess that's it.

Sig.Lad created by Dave Van Domelen

Arthur "The RACCCafe Killer" Spitzer

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