LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #12

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Tue Aug 31 17:33:28 PDT 2004

<<Warning:  You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in 
hellfire if you read this series.  Just thought you should know that.>>

                  The Daily Super Short-Short Story #12

LAST TIME:  The Wondersock tempted Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl with 
the tasty snacks of the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  Having 
succeeded in tempting her the Wondersock crawled in the machine to try 
and knock down a few snacks.  But as it tried to do that it managed to 
get stuck.  And now....

                   'A Crack in the Walls of Paradise'

There was a crack.

I can see you, said Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

I can see you, said Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl.

The crack became bigger.

I can see everything.  God, everything.  I feel strange.  I feel naked, 
said Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

Well that's because you are naked! said KHTPHM Girl.

Well, you're naked too! said Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

My God!  We're both naked! said KHTPHM Girl suddenly becoming very self-

And that's when they noticed the crack.

"Where did that crack come from?" asked Gotta-Luv-Me Lad.

"I don't know!  My God!  It keeps getting bigger and bigger!"

"We've got to stop it somehow!"


Gotta-Luv-Me Lad shrugged his head.  "Now that I think about it, it's 
probably unstoppable."

"Look!  I can see something beyond!  It's like a doorway!  I can see 
people!  Giants!  They're staring at us!" said KHTPHM Girl pointing 
towards the crack which was very big by now.

"I know who those people are!  They're the Readers!  Oh God!  They're 
ogling our naked bodies!!"  Gotta-Luv-Me Lad quickly used his hands to 
cover-up his privates.

"Actually, I believe most of them are looking at me, dear," KHTPHM Girl 
said as she also tried to hide her various private parts.

"Hey now!  Hey!  HEY!  You!  Yeah You!! Stop looking at my wife!  I mean 
it!  You...  You Perverts!" Gotta-Luv-Me Lad said as he shook his fist 
at the Readers.

"They don't seem to be listening to you, dear."

"Don't you think I noticed that!" Gotta-Luv-Me Lad said as his face 
started to become very, very red.  "Wait!  I've got an idea!  We need to 
find fig leaves.  We can cover ourselves in fig leaves!"

"And how are we supposed to do that?"

"Umm.  Oh yeah!  With honey!  Lots and lots of honey!  We'll just 
slather ourselves in honey and the fig leaves will just stick right on!"

So they went to get some fig leaves and honey.

"You know, we should probably do this behind one of the vending machines 
so that the readers can't see us!" KHTPHM Girl suggested.

"You're right!  We wouldn't want the Readers watching as we slather our 
naked bodies with honey and fig leaves!" Gotta-Luv-Me Lad said giving 
the Readers a cold hard glance.

And so the two of them went behind a vending machine so the Readers 
(That would be you guys out there reading this) couldn't see them 
slathering their entire naked bodies with honey and fig leaves.

"oh, this feels weird.  It's sticky."

"We probably should apply the honey to each other's naked body parts."

"Yeah.  That's a good idea.  Oh yes.  Oh right there.  yes.  Oh. oh."

"Uh. ummm.  oh.  oh my.  oh god.  yes.  wait.  you missed a spot.  Hmm.  
This doesn't seem to be working.  It slid right off."

"No it's working.  Hmm.  okay.  I guess you're right.  Maybe the honey 
needs to get harder."

"What the hell are you two doing!!?" said the voice of God who it seemed 
had just come back from the Secret Cosmic Crisis Banjo Wars Crossover.

"Oh shit!  Umm.. Hey God!  How was the Crossover?" greeted Gotta-Luv-Me 
Lad from behind the vending machine.

"Why are you two hiding behind a vending machine?  Come out you two!  I 
want to see you!"

Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and KHTPHM Girl both slowly came out from their hiding 
place.  Both were covered in honey and fig leaves and sported very red 
faces.  Oh yeah.  And they were naked.  Did I mention that?

"Why in the world do you have honey and fig leaves all over your 

There was a long silence.  Finally Gotta-Luv-Me Lad answered, 
"Performance Art?"

And then God noticed the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.  It was 
completely shattered.  There was a sledge hammer near it.  A big pile of 
snacks and treats were also near it.  He also saw the Wondersock 
sneaking off into the shadows.

God's voice boomed, "I want answers.  And I better like those answers."

And then there was a crack.  The loudest crack you ever heard.

TOMORROW:  God get's some answers!

Author's Notes:  And that's how fourth wall gags were invented!

Arthur "Fully Dressed" Spitzer

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