LNHY/ACRA: The Daily Super Short-Short Story #11

Arspitzer arspitzer at aol.com
Mon Aug 30 18:53:12 PDT 2004

<<Warning:  You might be endangering your soul to eternal damnation in 
hellfire if you read this series.  Just thought you should know that.>>

                  The Daily Super Short-Short Story #11

LAST TIME:  God and the Before God Guys had a big old fight.  But they 
made up and left the Garden of Party Time to go to the future to fight
someone.  Thus Gotta-Luv-Me Lad and Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl 
were left in the Garden by themselves with no God to watch over them.  
And now....

               'When God's away the Wondersock will play'

God was somewhere in the future. Gotta-Luv-Me Lad had gone searching for 
some nipple clamps. And Knows-How-to-Please-Her-Man Girl was all alone.

She bent over to pick a flower.  She looked at the flower for awhile and 
picked a flew petals off it.  And then she put it on the ground.  She 
yawned.  What was there for her to do?  After awhile her eyes found 
their way to the Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches.

"Fascinating.  Isn't it?" said a voice behind her.  "You're wondering 
what's in there.  Aren't you?"

"Umm.  Snacks?" she said as she realized the voice was coming from a 
talking sock on a tree.

"No.  More than snacks.  Keys.  That's what's inside.  Keys to help free 
you from this prison."

"Prison?  I'm not in a prison.  Who are you?"

"Me?  Oh, just a simple philosopher.  A philosopher of the truth you 
might say," mused the Wondersock.  "And you are in a prison.  This 
Garden is a prison.  Are you happy here?"

"Uh yes.  Why shouldn't I be?"

"Have you ever known sadness or misery?"

"Uh no."

"Then how would you know what you're feeling right now is happiness and 
not misery?"

"Umm.. I don't quite..."

"Of course you don't.  How can one truly understand pleasure without 
knowing pain?  How can one know Heaven without knowing Hell?  Do you 
dream of seeing what's beyond the Garden?"

"Dream?  I guess I sometimes wonder what's beyond.  But God said it was 
nothing, but pain and misery."

"And of course God never lies.  But if it's nothing, but pain and 
misery; why would God ever leave the Garden?

"I'm not.. I don't know.  I guess it can't be all that bad."

"Of course not.  But do you know why God is able to leave the Garden?"


"Because he's happier than you.  Do you know why that is?  Because God 
can do anything.  And that includes making himself happier than you.  Do 
you ever wonder why God chose to make you so weak and powerless?"

KHTPHM Girl was starting to feel uncomfortable.  To many new ideas were 
swimming in her head.  "No.  I don't."

"Because if you were ever to become as happy as God, God's happiness 
would lose all meaning.  As long as you are so low, and God is so high, 
God is special.  But if everyone were to become God, God would become 
meaningless.  God needs you so he can have something to look down on.  
That's why he created you.  But you can change that.  Locked within the 
Vending Machine of No-Free-Lunches are keys that will lead you to a 
knowledge of what true happiness is."

"I.. Even if I wanted to do this, it's impossible.  I have no money to 
operate this machine."

"Who needs money?" the Wondersock said with a sly smile.  "A simple 
coat-hanger will do."


"Oh that's right!  They haven't been invented yet.  I know!  I could 
crawl inside the machine and knock a few snacks down.  If you want me 
to, that is."

KHTPHM Girl looked up into the sky for a brief moment and then back at 
the vending machine.  "Yes, please.  Go inside.  I have to know."

And so the Wondersock crawled inside the Vending Machine of No-Free-
Lunches and after awhile said, "Oh hell."

"What?  What's wrong?"

"I think I'm stuck."

"What do you mean stuck?"

"I mean stuck!  I can't get out!  Something's gotten snagged!"

"Can't you do something?"

"If I could I wouldn't be stuck, now would I?  Oh, God.  I'm going to die here.
Help!  Someone help me!" screamed the Wondersock.

KHTPHM Girl wondered if she should make a run for it.

TOMORROW:  Will the Wondersock die in the Vending Machine of No-Free-

Author's Notes:  The Wondersock is an old creation of mine.  He's a 
character that I created before I discovered the LNH.  Back when I was 
in highschool there was a system called Novanet which was kind of an 
internet type thing.  They had notesfiles instead of newsgroups.  I 
posted a fake ad for a Wondersock on one of the notesfiles (which was 
reprinted in Jong #2).  I think I stole the idea from the "Happy Happy 
Fun Ball" skit on SNL (back when SNL was actually funny).  Eventually on 
some kind of an Add-On Story Cascade type thing the Wondersock became 
the sidekick of Larkman (created by someone else).  Eventually the 
Wondersock gained incredible cosmic powers, went insane, and tried to 
destroy the Universe (like sidekicks often do).

At about the time this was happening I discovered alt.comics.lnh.  The 
first LNH story I ever wrote had the Wondersock fighting the Ultimate 
Ninja.  But because it was incredibly horrible I never posted it.  I 
think I still have it somewhere.

I even had an idea for a Patrol/LNH Crossover with the Wondersock and 
Enemy teaming up.  But I didn't think Dave would go for it.  About the 
only other appearance the Wondersock ever made was On the Deadbeat #3.  
The Wondersock in this story has absolutely nothing to do with the above 
mentioned Wondersocks.  I just thought someone might be interested in 

Arthur "Okay. I didn't really think anyone would be interested." Spitzer

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