LNH/Acra/Meta: The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat #4
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
cabbagewielder at yahoo.com
Sun Nov 13 18:30:44 PST 2005
The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat #3 of 4
By Jesse N. Willey and Tom Russell Jnr.
Down in the bowels of the LNH TV studio, there was a crappy matte
painting of a city filled up the screen. A moon with a cat on it
appeared. The shot panned out to a large crowd of people.
"It's The Last Night Show with Peelix the Cat.
Tonight's guest is God himself!" shouted Onion Lad.
"Don't call me that!" Tom Russell yelled. "I'm only a
"I'm Onion Lad along with Ultimate Ninja, the One Man
The Last Night Show Band!" whimpered Onion Lad. "Now here's
Peelix the Cat."
Peelix came out and peed in Tom's complementary Last Night Show
"Okay, okay... time to talk politics so this, our final episode
will actually seem dated in reruns. You've all heard about the White
House scandals right? Scooter Libby has gotten five indictments. Of
course they forgot charge six. Being a grown man called Scooter.
Only muppets and children under ten can get away with that. I mean
sure, Cheney fired him... but at least he has his paper route to fall
back on," Peelix said.
"Can we start now? My wife is expecting me back home for
dinner," Tom said.
"Yes, God," Peelix said.
"Stop calling me that!" Tom said.
"Yes, your lordship," Peelix said.
"Nevermind," Tom replied.
"I've heard it through the grapevine that when you were writing
Onion Lad you wanted to make Onion Lad transgendered... true or
false?" Peelix said.
"Yeah, what's the big idea!" Onion Lad screamed.
"I don't remember. Probably false," Tom said.
"So...Insanity Gaulnats?" Peelix said.
"I was fifteen years old," Tom said.
"That's no excuse," Peelix said.
"Wasn't he even younger than that when he created Peelix?"
Ultimate Ninja whispered to one of his other selves.
"We can't let him know that," The Handless Ninja replied.
"How does The New Teenfactor differ from the old one?" Peelix
"I'm twenty-three years old," Tom replied.
"Gaulnats!" Onion Lad shouted.
"Shut up!" Tom snapped.
"I hate you. You abandoned me," Onion Lad whimpered.
"What can we expect to see in that series, aside from what you've
already told us?" Peelix said.
"A better version of Retcon Mable, more violence, more sex, fairly
straight-forward storytelling to contrast with the more experimental
House of Fiction-stories about what it means to be a hero," Tom
"Great to hear. Nice to see stuff like that. Especially if it
involves seventeen year old girls and time traveling androids,"
"And I thought my tastes were weird," said Ultimate Ninja.
"That's not what you said last night," said the other Ultimate
"It's things like THAT ladies and gentleman that led to the
network to cancel us," Peelix said. "Anyway, speaking of House of
Fiction... what inspired it?"
"Death and anger," said Tom.
"I see.." Peelix said. "How much of that story is true and how
much is false?"
"Just true enough to be pretentious and narcissistic," Tom said.
"So..Insanity Gaulnats?" Peelix said.
"I was fifteen," Tom said.
"So... Beethoven was doing some of his best work then," Peelix
said. "And he was out of show business before I even got in.
You're just a lazy bum. I bet... I bet... oh god... the rumors are
true... you're the guy in the Burger King suit, aren't you?"
"No," Tom said.
"I don't believe you. You're too creepy not be," Onion Lad
said. "It's cook's intuition."
"Willey often mentions an origin of Sky that you wrote in the
'commentary' sections of The Team Director's Cut. What was so bad
about this story?" said Peelix.
"I don't even remember it, really. If he really has it on file, I'd
really like to have him e-mail me a copy," Tom said.
"We called him about it yesterday. It doesn't have it
anymore but he remembers something about retconning Sky into Cosmic
Plot Device Caper and being an early LNHer that everybody just forgot
about," Peelix said. "The rest of it wasn't that bad."
"Who is your favorite LNHer?" Ultimate Ninja said.
"Cheesecake Eater Lad," Tom said.
"That's just another reason to hate him," said Onion Lad.
"What character that you created are you most ashamed of?" Peelix
"Manga Girl," Tom responded.
"Well... at least you didn't say yours truly," Peelix responded.
"Some would consider me your only stroke of genius."
"Oh... like who?" Tom asked.
"Dane Martin," Peelix said.
"I hate that guy too. He almost let Tom turn me into Onion
Un-Ladyed," OL said.
"That never happened!" Tom shouted. "Peelix's source just
made that up... I think."
"Right... speaking of shared character treatments... which character
of yours has gotten the best treatment by another author?" Peelix
"Hmm... toss-up between Willey's treatment of Electra and the
Joltin' One's use of Sleeps-With-Anything-Alive Girl/Lass," Tom said.
"I don't make the list. Philistine. I've done Shakespeare.
Branagh almost gave me a part in Much Ado About Nothing... but ended up
giving the role to Keanu. Huge mistake by the way," Peelix said.
"You're a cat and you pee on things. End of story," Tom said.
"And whose fault is that. You didn't give me much of a background
now did you? Not like your precious Carolyn. Speaking of whom... a
lot of your characters have awful things happen to them in Road to
Killfile Wars. Yet, you're come out and said you're a fan. Why?"
"Those characters are more or less dead to me and have been for the
better part of five years. Willey, in fact, re-energized my affection
for Electra and basically is responsible for the TEENFACTOR revamp,"
"So... remember if you want to complain about the quality of the
series email Milos_parker at yahoo.com. If you want to rain down
unending praise, send it to cabbagewielder at yahoo.com," Peelix said.
"Let me finish..." Tom said. "A lot of my old stories were
pretty damn shitty, most of TEENFACTOR included. But the characters
have potential, some of which Willey has tapped into. I thought, now
that I'm at least somewhat better as a writer, I owe it to those
characters to write them better, to explore their interpersonal
dynamics and psychology more intelligently and incisively."
"I like ROAD TO KILLFILE WARS, I think it's the best thing Jesse's
written. I think it might be a little daunting for people unfamiliar
with the characters, and so I'm working-- slowly-- on a couple more
supplemental materials. We'll see."
"This coming from Mister 'I Hate Crossover Events and Tie-Ins'.
Or is it all part of a secret cabal to rig the raccies again,"
"Not this year," Tom said.
"We're running out of time," said Ultimate Ninja.
"If you were trapped into comic book land... Betty or Veronica?"
Peelix said. "Hey, I thought we retired that damn question. Cue
"Like I've said before, Big Ethel Muggs is my kind of gal. Though I
think her fellatio technique might be a little toothy," Tom said.
"Again folks, he's why the network wants to drop us. Thank god
the FCC continues to bar prior restraint so we can continue to bring
you fine programing, eh?" Peelix said. "Assuming of course we find
a network with no shame. Anyone have Howard Stern's number. Maybe
we could find a way to get one of them sweet satellite deals."
This interview was mildly fictionalized. Tom Russell quotes, some of
them anyway, come courtesy of Tom Russell. Tom Russell is a
registered trademark of Richard Bachman. Ultimate Ninja created by
wReam. Peelix the Cat created by Tom Russell Jnr. Reserved by Jesse
N. Willey. Onion Lad created by Tom Russell Jnr. and Dane Martin.
Reserved by Jesse N. Willey. Onion Lad's wardrobe provided by the
sale bin at ZippythePinhead.com. Mister The Cat's wardrobe provided
by The Emperor's New Clothes Thrift Shop. This document is copyright
Jesse N. Willey and Tom Russell.
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