SG/AD: Adjusted League Unimpeachable 1996 Era Cast List!
Eric Burns
eaburns at annotations.com
Mon Oct 3 10:56:22 PDT 2016
ADJUSTED LEAGUE UNIMPEACHABLE "There Are Those Who Call Me Bruce"
Cast List
(All cast entries are current to May of 1996. Everything that's
happened since then is your own damn lookout.)
THE ADJUSTED LEAGUE UNIMPEACHABLE
Primary Team
THE NON-BIODEGRADABLE TRASHMAN: Bruce Rogers, called The
Nonbiodegradable Trashman, The Grimy Knight, The Dumpster
Detective, The Civil Servant of the Knight, the Janitor and
other names. Leader and most experienced hero in the Adjusted
League. A highly trained human with a razor sharp mind,
unparalleled combat skills, a number of garbage-gimmick devices
and a trash can lid made from Millite, which seems to be
indestructable. At the start of this series, Trashman is
relatively content, though Dianna's disciplinary issues and
Mike's injuries have had his team at less than peak efficiency
for some time. By Part the Tenth, he is actively concerned
about the state of his team -- Dianna's depression has hit a
point where it cannot be ignored, Trudy seems to be hiding
something, and Mike seems to have an ego that's inflating
faster than his power level. Amorously Linked with Elizabeth
Tirkoff (see below). Aside from her, closest to Trudy -- one of
the few people who've had a hard enough time of their own that
Bruce's own darkness seems mild and uninteresting.
UNORTHODOX LASS (also UNORTHODOX GIRL depending on placement): Trudy
Galloway. Yes she has two codenames. Yes you want to use the
correct one. No, you won't know which is the correct one unless
you follow the alternating names in the text -- which, since
the characters can't *read* the text, means most people get it
wrong. Also called the Atypical Amazon, and 'just plain weird.'
Possesses 'Unorthodoxy,' which causes her to do things in
unexpected, if effective ways, and also allows her to draw
unexpected, if oddly appropriate equipment as needed from the
Unorthodox Dimension. Trudy is part total fruitbat, part
wiseass, part concerned and dedicated heroine, part sociopathic
rage monkey, and part scared little girl. In other words, Trudy
has issues. At the start of the plotline Trudy was on a
moderately even keel despite some guilt over Dianna being
punished severely for her part in the Industrial Revolution
when Trudy had a very minor punishment. She has unresolved
tensions surrounding magic and magi -- she had supported the
Revolution, not the Counter-Revolution, and at the time had
been out for blood. She's better now. Mostly. Except of course
for Radian -- a former super heroine who was corrupted by magic
and nearly destroyed the Earth, then was on the run until her
'death.' Radian's acts were among the strongest justifications
for the Industrial Revolution. Trudy is frustrated that Radian
died without having to suffer for all the horror she caused,
and this has led to yet more issues. Beyond that, she's also
known to have nightmares on a nearly nightly basis, generally
over the physical and psychological torture she was forced to
endure at the hands of the Mega-Intelligence Bureau in an
earlier adventure. As the series progressed, Trudy discovered
-- perhaps most importantly -- that at times of great pressure
and adrenalin she can hit her enemies with a freaking ZAMBONI!
She also found herself heralded as the savior of Planet Seattle
-- a world where she had no secret identity considerations.
Thus, at a victory party she decided to go full 70's Studio 54
levels of debauchery as only the Slackyerians of Planet Seattle
could -- so, mellow but with lots of beer and sex. When Dianna
tried to pull her aside to maybe reconsider this plan, Trudy
responded... poorly. She now carries a lot of guilt over the
fact that Dianna has now withdrawn completely.
SPANDEX BABE (probationary due to disciplinary action): Dianna
Potentiate. Also called the Tightly-Clad Titan, the Warrior
Woman, and 'Jesus, I could watch her breathe for hours.'
Bioengineered as a part of Project: Warrior Woman to be the
perfect hero and role model, possessed of terrific strength,
agility and endurance, all enhanced by her multioptic suit --
which really does look like spandex -- whose energized weave
converts her own natural energies to 'neophotonic' power,
whatever the Hell that is. However, the suit, which was
designed to be voice activated, was sabotaged by Doctor
Chauvinist of the League of Unconcerned Scientists so that it
only works when Dianna shouts 'Spandex Babe,' which led to that
being Dianna's codename. Because that was the joke, see.
Because the author thought -- back in 1991 when he was young
and stupid -- that this was somehow a feminist statement
against the patriarchy. I'm not even kidding. Stupid jerk.
Anyway, Dianna is at a low ebb at the start of the series,
having participated in the Industrial Revolution and having
killed an innocent during the process. While pardoned by the
president (as were all involved in the affair), Dianna has
accepted a voluntary 'sentence' from the Adjusted League,
including a form of house arrest, community service, voluntary
psychological counseling, reduced pay, probationary status and
having her secret identity revealed. She also lost her position
as Deputy Leader -- a position which has gone to the Masked
Bruce. While she feels justified in her decision to accept
punishment, it has weighed hard on Dianna, and she came into
this series with a certain distance from her friends. This only
worsened and developed into alienation with time, and became a
flashpoint during the Seattle mission. Spandex Babe was the
only truly effective threat against M'Yet, her neophotonic
powers somehow passing straight through his defenses. When he
was defeated, Dianna was clearly going to claim the Oanthat,
only the woman Coye appeared out of an invisibility pocket and
knocked her away, forcing Mike to take the Oanthat instead.
When Mike -- as Deputy Leader -- relaxed her disciplinary
action so she could attend the Seattle victory party, she hoped
it would mean her friends were accepting her. However, she was
awkward and alone at the party, and when she saw Trudy partying
to excess, she reached out only to be bitterly rejected. This
seems to have completed her alienation. She has told her sister
Danielle she is going to leave the team when her Disciplinary
Period is done, and since then she has not willingly spoken to
anyone outside of duty. So, yeah. Comedy!
THE DASH: Jane West Garrick-Allen. Otherwise known as The Fastest
Girl You've Met and the Hyperaccelerated Hyperion. Jane is a
biochemist, chemist and biologist who developed a technique for
accelerating human beings to speeds approaching the speed of
sound. It got her so excited she used it on herself and went
for a run through a rainstorm. She was, naturally enough, hit
by lightning, which created a supercharged effect which
literally channeled Jane's powers through universal barriers,
linking her to an evil counterpart in 954SUPERGUY named
Professor Backslash, the Reverse Dash. This gave her
*incredible* speed, even letting her exceed the speed of light
for extremely brief periods of time (making her the fastest
human on Earth, long thought to be Relativity Woman, who is
bound to the speed of light. Of course, she can maintain that
speed indefinitely, so....) On the downside, there's only so
much Jane can slow herself down. Most of the time, her
statements are little more than a blur which only a locus of
quantum absurdity (like Trudy and Mike) can understand. She can
reduce this effect by using her Knopler Stereochair, Walkman or
in her Knopler Effect Apartment, all of which subject her to
Dire Straits music at several thousand times faster than
normal. The supraliminal mellowing effect is tremendous,
enabling her to calm mostly down and act normally. She is doing
relatively well at the start of the series -- ready to take the
next steps with Mike, with whom she has been in a long term
romantic relationship, and ready to perhaps think about her
life in the long term. As the series progresses, things only
improve. They manage to beat M'Yet and not die in the process
-- though she was hurled through the air powerfully enough that
she knew she would be killed by the impact, save that Spandex
Babe reached her and took the brunt of the blow. With Mike's
seeming Apotheosis... she has a boyfriend who can understand
the burden tremendous alpha class power can bear on someone's
life, who seems happy and content. She's optimistic and has
hope for the future. And, since her powers limits her contact
with the other members outside of duty, she doesn't yet realize
how concerned they are, and to date Mike hasn't chosen to
enlighten her.
THE MASKED BRUCE: Mike Green. Also called the Red Crowbar, the
Xolchipalian Gladiator, and 'Bruce.' Possessed of the ability
to, if his timing is right, summon and control aspects of old
Monty Python sketches. Mike later discovered this was because
he was one of the legendary Un-KAL Mil-TEEs -- the Bringers of
Chaos through Humor. This seemed to also make him a natural
locus in the quantum absurdity field, which among other things
makes him capable of understanding the Dash's accelerated
speech. Mike's Un-KAL Mil-TEE nature interested the star
spanning Xolchipalian Defense Forces, who tested Mike to see
whether or not he could be trusted to act honorably. When he
passed, they hit him over the back of the head with a surfboard
of enlightenment, passing the training and knowledge of the
Xolchipalian Defense Forces to him, as well as commissioning
him as an Officer in the XDF and authorizing him to use
Xolchatechnology to enhance Law Enforcement on Earth. With his
uniform, Mike can survive in space and in temperature extremes
and is protected against damage so long as his energy reserves
and the technology holds out. He also was issued a Tihorn -- a
red crowbar, more or less, which manipulates Xolchipalium,
exploiting it to produce Xolchipaliax Energy which he can use
in many ways. Sadly, prior to this storyline Mike was badly
injured by the combined forces of the Unimaginable League
Amoral and the Awe-Inspiring Force, and his Tihorn and uniform
were taken by the renegade XDF officer Jonathan Frakes
(Coincidence), otherwise known as the Crimson Crowbar. At the
opening of the story, Mike is in physical therapy, recovering
from his injuries. He is also in a relationship with the Dash
-- a relationship which has been going for several years by
now, and they're beginning to think its time they have sex.
Makes you sick, don't it? As the series progressed, Mike was
ordered to investigate the Planet Seattle situation even though
he was essentially unarmed. He did so, and while Spandex Babe
made it possible, Mike -- using his Monty Python powers --
summoned enough essence of the Black Knight sketch from Holy
Grail to cut M'Yet's arms off. When Spandex Babe -- who was
going to recover the Oanthet -- was knocked away by Coye, Mike
was the only one close enough to reach the bracers before they
went supercritical and destroyed thirty light years worth of
inhabited planets. He now has the power of a God and, though he
seems to be in control (especially compared to M'Yet), his
respect for authority went down the tubes. He worries pretty
much everyone, now. There are also hints that suggest the
universe is doomed because of him. Oops.
DANGEROUSGIRL (probationary): Danielle 'Dani' Macpherson: Also
called the Chernobyl Chick, the Thermonuclear Teen, the
One-Woman China Syndrome, and 'Spandex Baby' by A.L.U. Academy
members who want to die slow deaths. Dani was designed to have
all the powers of Dangerousman, the most Dangerous Man Alive,
but in a form that could be controlled by the League of
Unconcerned Scientists and the Awe-Inspiring Force. A clone of
Spandex Babe who has been genetically altered and designed to
incorporate the vast nuclear powers Dangerousman possessed,
while having a submissive personality impressed on her by a
brainwashed Dianna Potentiate, the plans of the AIF and the LUS
were ruined by Dianna's force of will and genetic variables.
Dangerousgirl *does* possess massive nuclear powers, but comes
across as more fiesty (and cocky) than submissive -- save of
course that she truly is very young, and sometimes the world
scares her. Her powers also make her body highly radioactive,
and outside of the tremendously shielded room she sleeps and
bathes in, she has to wear her uniform, which converts her
radiation into tasteful colors. She is being trained by
Dangerousman and awaiting the day she is made a full member of
the A.L.U. (she being probationary at this time), which won't
happen until she graduates from the Adjusted League
Unimpeachable Academy -- which she thinks is actively unfair.
She is a mix of emotions at the start of this series -- she has
developed a powerful crush on Roger Nobody of Mason's 'Mazing
Mob which has her excited and pleased. However, she is also
concerned about her 'sister,' Dianna, who is not particularly
happy under house arrest. She also carries a perpetual mad over
Trashman, who both nearly drove her brother Dangerousman to
suicide once (see Yesterday's Hero by Bill Dickson in the
Logs), and who judged and sentenced Dianna to house arrest
following the Industrial Revolution. As the series progressed,
her mad at Trashman diminished somewhat in the wake of getting
increasingly scared for her sister, who seems to have lost all
hope. Dianna recently told her that Dianna was going to leave
when her sentence played out, but that Dani should stay. They
have not spoken socially since, and Dani is losing her crap.
Compared to that? Dani doesn't give two craps about Mike
Green's Apotheosis right now.
KID SOLIPSISM (probationary): Eric Shapiro. Also called the
Self-Centered Sentinel, the Philosophical Pugilist, and 'that
smug, arrogant rat bastard.' Kid Solipsism is the second known
member of the Shapiro family -- the first having been Gary
Shapiro, or Faith, of CalForce before he transcended mortal
form. There is a third sibling -- Adam Shapiro -- who also
seems transcendent. As with all Shapiros, the Kid possesses the
Power of Belief. But, where Faith Believed whatever he was told
via gullibility (and had his Beliefs become real), Kid
Solipsism is solipsistic, believing that the entire world is
merely a delusion his own mind has created, extending only as
far as his own senses. As a result, his mind is incredibly
difficult to change, but his own belief in himself and his lack
of belief in everything else makes him nigh indestructible.
Further, his intense core of cynicism usually makes his
opponents very unhappy when they encounter him. The Kid
typically is unchangingly unenthusiastic, but at the start of
this series he has begun to question whether he will ever
escape the delusion and rejoin his real family in
transcendence. He also continued to have a long-standing
semi-antagonistic relationship with Mandy Harken, who
originally cultivated their friendship in hopes the Kid would
decide she has powers. To date, he has not. However, as the
series progressed, the Kid began to see patterns in certain
events which made him think there might be clues to his own
escape from the delusion. At the same time, he has been forced
to confront the fact that despite Mandy being a delusion within
a dream created by his subconscious mind to entertain and
distract him... his feelings for her are real. He loves her,
and -- in her own words -- he decided she loved him. That has
him completely mind-blown. Oh, as for the whole Mike/point of
the storyline thing? It barely concerns him so he barely cares
about it.
MIGHTY GUY (Member Emeritus): Kent Clark -- also called the
Mightiest Guy Around, the Man of Petrified Wood, the Megapolis
Moron, the Man of Next Tuesday, the Action Arse and 'oh holy
crap he's coming this way ABANDON THE RV KIDS THIS IS NOT A
DRILL!' Mighty Guy is a massively huge, multi-ton being of
Heliumian heritage with bright blue hair and a winning smile.
He is convinced he has a tight secret identity as 'Kent Clark,'
ace reporter for the Daily Planeted (which for a while was the
World Weekly Shmooze), but despite the power of the Mask
Principal applying to his glasses, Kent Clark's sheer
Mightiness makes such things incapable of protecting his
identity from anyone. Kent possesses Mighty Strength which has
little if any limit, Mighty Fast Speed both in running and
flight, Mighty Tough Skin which renders him immune to almost
any harm, Mighty Vision which lets him see through obstacles
and people and whatever to long distances away, Mighty Hot
Vision which lets him obliterate whatever he's looking at in
the roaring fires of the Sun or hotter, and Mighty Fast
Thinking which would make him brilliant, except that the
*speed* of Kent's thoughts greatly exceeds those thoughts
*themselves,* and since he jumps to conclusions constantly this
means he seems to be an incredibly stupid moron. He is greatly
loved by the Adjusted League, as one of their founders, the
namer of their team, and the spirit of heroism and optimism (if
not intelligence, wisdom or practicality) that they all aspire
to. In particular, Bruce Rogers considers Kent a very close
friend and vice versa. In many ways, the two understand each
other the way others can't that easily. This makes Bruce --
thought of as one of the most pragmatic and intelligent leaders
and detectives on the planet -- one of the few people who turns
to Kent for advice. Put that in your corncob pipe and then blow
bubbles around it because smoking is bad, children! Don't
smoke! As of the start of this series Kent is not only a member
of CalForce but their Leader! Imagine that, old chum! Further,
he has a main squeeze of his very own -- Key Li Pan, the
gorgeous and thankfully nigh indestructible MeltDown, who
pretty much stalked him like prey until she got what she
wanted, and then realized she'd gotten a pretty loving
boyfriend in the process. Over the course of this series,
CalForce ended up saving Empress Glum and the Ottsamattawidu
Empire one more time. Sadly, many if not most of their members
decided to go their separate ways and live their own separate
lives afterward, and CalForce dissolved. Perhaps even more
sadly, confronted with Kent's desire to move back to Megapolis,
Key realized she didn't know what she wanted from life at this
point and decided to take a little break from the relationship
and go back home to Japan to think about it. Pretty much
everyone else, from Kent through Bruce all the way to best
friend of Key's and longtime partner Yury/HotFlash sees this as
the dumping it clearly is. At least, as they say, for now. And
by now I mean 1996. So... 'then.' Mighty Guy was created by
Eric Burns-White, but was given over to Gary W. Olson, and much
of the above reflects his work. He's also Kent's agent for
purposes of AFTRA, so if you're looking to book Kent, contact
Gary.
DANGEROUSMAN (Honorary): Lars Macpherson. Faculty member at the
A.L.U.A. and reserve member of the Adjusted League
Unimpeachable. Lars's Incredibly Dangerous Power makes him the
most powerful superguy other than Superguy himself -- he has
the ability to unleash a thermonuclear explosion with the tap
of his foot. Lars teaches discipline, power use and 'X-Powers'
at the school, and is considered one of the best teachers they
have ever had. He is married to Relativity Woman, with whom he
has recently had a child, and is considered Dangerousgirl's
brother. He and Trashman have had a very rocky past stemming
from Dangerousman accidentally blowing Trashman's
then-girlfriend Jan "Force" Taylor into component atoms. They
seem to have gained some kind of parity after Trashman beat
Hell out of Dangerousman, followed by Dangerousman saving the
Earth from Satan. Wears a uniform that protects others from his
radioactivity by converting it into tasteless colors. At the
start of this series nobody knows what's going on with Lars
save new childbirth and a lack of appearing in this plotline.
That didn't change. Dangerousman is the creation of William R.
Dickson, who is cooler than most people. He is used by
permission.
Support Staff
and
Associates
HEALER: Elizabeth Tirkoff. Originally partnered with Faith, working
for the Mega-Intelligence Bureau. Later, a member alongside
Faith, Radian, HotFlash, Meltdown, and all the rest in
CalForce. After Radian betrayed CalForce and attempted to
destroy the world for her own power, and Faith (who she loved
as a brother) apparently died, Healer retired from being a
super hero. During a bad reunion with Radian, Healer
encountered the transcendent version of Faith, who recommended
she speak to his brother Kid Solipsism. Once establishing
herself in Boston with the Adjusted League, Healer accepted a
position as Head of School of the new Adjusted League
Unimpeachable Academy, as well as setting up a private
practice. Elizabeth (don't call her Liz -- well, unless you're
Rad, Glum, Manny, Chalandra, Key, Yury, Eivandt, Badass, or
Faith himself -- which you're not. I checked) is a
Psychiatrist, licensed Psychologist and counselor, and
telepath, and further has the ability to 'heal' both psychic
damage and paranormalities, temporarily or permanently making
paranormals normal. She is an accomplished mental illusionist,
in part because she has the unusual ability to telepathically
affect a person's neurology beyond their brain -- making all
those iron willed antihero types pretty pissy, I can tell you.
What often comes as a surprise to people is her non-telepathic
or medical skills. Remember I mentioned that whole 'Mega
Intelligence Bureau' thing? Yeah. She was an agent -- and a
highly skilled one, with a set of espionage skills as long as
the list of hot lunches you've had. She just... chooses not to
bring them up very often. Because, see, spy. She is the
daughter of Tudegratwytenort Tirkoff (it's a beauty way to go)
and Eleanor Selanova -- that being her mother's current married
name, as her parents amicably divorced many years ago. Tude
moved to Buenos Aires and opened an Occult bookstore. Eleanor
returned to her native Russia and remarried, partying with
Yeltsin and getting her spymaster groove back on. This has also
caused Elizabeth to inherit a grown step-sister, Karina
Selanova, who is -- or at least was -- one of the elite Special
Special Agents of the Mega-Intelligence Bureau. The two haven't
spent much time together, save for that time in Russia they
teamed up and totally captured Radian and Shadebeam and Healer
went in to heal away their paranormalities and wipe their minds
clean as a slate. Ahhh... good times. But that was then. She
has this whole schoolteacher thing now. As this story begins,
she has developed a relationship with Trashman, but they're
still learning how to open up to one another. Further, Healer
is still getting used to being on the sidelines, watching,
rather than in the thick of things. However, she has not been
able to establish any kind of relationship or friendship with
Kid Solipsism, and she misses Faith greatly. She's also had
enough experience as a teacher to have developed her own pose,
which consists of slumping against a convenient wall, burying
her head in her hands, and shaking her head. She does it often.
She does it well. Healer was originally created by Gary Olson,
but was sent across the divide to Eric Burns-White in and
around the time Kent Clark went to Gary. I think it was kind of
like the climax scene of *Smiley's People* which I doubt you've
read or even seen. Of course, now I'm seeing Elizabeth as
played by Patrick Stewart, so the joke is on me.
MANDY HARKEN: No alias other than pejoratives about paperwork or
salaries. Mandy Harken first came to the attention of the
A.L.U. when she and Kid Solipsism were captured by the Awe
Inspiring Force. The Kid became a probationary member. Mandy
became the Rogers Foundation administrative liaison and
comptroller for the A.L.U.C.H.Q.M.O.U.S.E. Mandy has been
trying to convince Kid Solipsism to decide she has superpowers
since the day she realized who he was. To date it has not
succeeded. At one time, she also had an unbreakable brip. It is
not known if she still carries it, or if it has anything to do
with Scothguard, who I refuse to explain here. At the start of
the series, her frustration with Kid Solipsism seemed to come
to a peak... then go right past it into full on relationship
territory -- a scary thing, since the Kid technically doesn't
believe she really exists. But, he is certain he loves her,
which she knows means he does, and he agreed when she said that
he decided she loved him, which means she does. So it's real.
She has no idea what happens next.
JOEL: The Model 864 Justice Overmind Electronic Locus acts as the
Artificial Intelligence, digital assistant, security system,
receptionist and majordomo for the A.L.U.C.H.Q.M.O.U.S.E. Using
his drones, Kev and Trace, as his hands, JOEL keeps an eye on
everything, is a general friend, and has a terminal mellowness
that comes from the fact that he barely uses two percent of his
overall capacity to do all of his work. He likes the team and
his job and all, but doesn't really think about it all that
much. He's friends with a lot of other digital intelligences
out there, and had a few steamy days with SHEEN of Solutions,
Inc, it's said, though they're keeping things casj. He's aware
that Jenny, the Intellect who works with Mason's Mazing Mob
(and child of Phobos and Summer) is into him -- like more than
a friend. He's been mellow about it, and otherwise he's keeping
it kinda quiet.
HEATHER BRITTINA THOMPSON: Known as Tina to some of her friends, and
Heather to others -- New Boston University student Heather
Thompson was something of a superhero groupie who got the best
part time job ever -- aide de camp (whatever that means) to
Healer of the Adjusted League Unimpeachable Academy. She loves
everything about it, even if sometimes there's people
destroying the building or the like. She's recently been seeing
a guy who Healer and Mandy agree is a major douche, but what
can you do? She's young and in college. She teaches Tap,
Modern, Jazz and Ballroom Dance at the Academy, so she's gotten
to know Memorex who's one of the few to take it. He had a
crush, he got over it, no big. The only one of the Primary Team
she spends any time with is Trudy, who's the Gym Teacher and
also teaches Ballet. And who does not like Tap, Modern or Jazz
dance. At all. Ballroom's cool. Trudy and Heather cut a mean
swath in Foxtrot, actually. All this is to say Heather is a
melange of A) the character she was originally supposed to be,
B) an homage to a very good friend's character -- who she is
*not* but has a couple of traits in common, and C) an homage to
a Champions character from the Author's Champions campaign
circa 1981. None of which you care about, since she rarely if
ever appears.
NOUVEAUX SKUNK: Apparently his secret identity is Skunk Nouveau. You
got me. Another of the first semester heroes from the very
beginning of Superguy Digest (also known as the Age of Heroic
Intent). He is a two fisted adventurer, without any known
superpowers beyond his hair, which is jet black except for a
white stripe coiffed into it. He is an expert martial artist
and detective, a brilliant lawyer, and a self made billionaire.
In one sense, he's good at everything he tries. Nouveaux Skunk
is widely regarded as one of the leading experts on
paranormality and 'Superguy' culture, and has written many
articles and books to that effect, as well as produced
documentaries for both NPR and PBS. He is often called upon as
a commentator by the networks during major events and crises.
He first came to prominence in this series when Spandex Babe
was on the cusp of being publicly disciplined for murdering an
innocent man during the Industrial Revolution -- a crime which
the President had blanket pardoned all participants on both
sides. Claiming the proceedings to be a farce, he became her
lawyer and began pursuing exoneration. During the proceedings,
it turned out that he was a member of Alpha Psi Omega, a secret
society dedicated to human potential, of which Dianna
Potentiate was also a member. It became obvious he was trying
to manipulate the system to force Trashman to either dismiss
Spandex Babe -- opening them up to a wrongful termination
lawsuit for many reasons which would undoubtedly have led to
her reinstatement and Trashman's removal, making her the leader
of the Adjusted League Unimpeachable... or her exoneration,
keeping her at deputy leader... though of course... if
something happened to Trashman.... In the end, Trashman found a
sentence between those extremes and Spandex Babe fired Nouveaux
Skunk rather than let him contest it. He still -- somewhat
oddly -- has some affiliation with the Rogers Foundation, and
has taught courses at the Academy.
RELATIVITY WOMAN: Marjorie Hopkins Macpherson. Wife to Dangerousman.
Marjorie has the ability to move and react at light speed, and
moving others at light speed as well (which inevitably makes
them violently ill). She is also one of the most startlingly
beautiful women known even in a universe where beautiful women
in skintight clothing is a cliche. Marjorie is married to
Dangerousman and is best friends with the Dash. She recently
had a child with Dangerousman.
CALFORCE: One of the premier superteams in America and arguably the
most powerful of the superteams throughout its existence.
CalForce was formed out of a loose alliance of people who had
befriended Rad, when Rad married Glum and the two had to leave
so she could be Empress of the Ottsamattawidu Empire. With a
membership including -- at various times -- Confusion, Doubt
(also known as Willwarp), Chalandra Harkness, Badass, Faith,
Healer, Hotflash, MeltDown, Criticalman, Radian, Shadebeam,
Mighty Guy, Spatial K, Microvax, and Mighty Guy, they had the
sheer power to do... a *lot* of property damage. And also save
the world a bunch of times. They went through a lot of
darkness, and they went through a lot of light. As of this
series, they were in space in the Ottsamattawidu Empire at
about the same time the ALU was, but they were on opposite
sides of the empire. After that mission, sadly, CalForce
decided to go their separate ways. Most of CalForce is just
straight up Gary W. Olson's.
SCHOLARMAN: E. A. Burns, Ph.D. (increasingly no relation). Also
called 'oh Jesus, he's been shot.' The universe's Sorcerer
Superfluous -- he who is destined to have no particular
destiny. Possessed of all knowledge but no organization for it,
which makes it hard for him to figure things out in a timely
manner. Theoretically a mage. Unable to be predicted by magic
or psychic abilities. Scholarman is mostly included here as
he's taught English Composition classes for the A.L.U.A. He and
Unorthodox Lass do not get along well, due to that whole
'Industrial Revolution' thing. He has had rather a rough time
of it since his introduction, suffering from stomach wounds
essentially every time he meets a truly beautiful woman for the
first time, which paled in comparison to that time Bulletproof
put an extremely large round through his Everything during the
Revolution. He was saved from the brink of death by the Awesome
Force, most notably Anne Enger's cats and Bink. In thanks for
saving the life of Figuremaster of the Awesome Force,
Scholarman was given a sinecure job as Executive Vice President
of Who Cares It Doesn't Matter at Awesome Amalgamated, which
pays well and is worthless to everyone. He's been rethinking
this. At the same time, his health is singularly bad at this
point... though he's been considering how much he enjoyed
teaching at the Academy... and he did take some of his
unimaginably dull free time to get a Ph.D.....
ADJUSTED LEAGUE UNIMPEACHABLE ACADEMY STUDENT BODY
("The Brats")
FRIGID GIRL:Lauren Bates. Also called 'Fridge.' Cyrokinetic of
considerable strength, able to project both cold and ice at
will. Frigid Girl is older than the other students, having
started her career back in 1989, only to have it sidetracked
into a relationship with a "Mister Cold," which apparently
ended badly later. She trying now to make up for lost time.
Transit is a good friend of hers, as is Memorex, and she has an
intense rivalry with Dangerousgirl which kind of implies
they're friends but can't admit it. A 'Frigid Girl having sex
with Mister Cold' was referred to by William R. Dickson as a
throwaway line back in the day, so in one sense he's
responsible, but literally everything about the character is
from Eric so eh.
MEMOREX: Rip Davis. Also called 'Mem.' Possesses the ability to
replicate skills and stunts he sees, even technically
impossible ones from movies or indefinable attitudes, qualities
and charisma. About 15-16 years old as of the start of "There
Are Those Who Call Me Bruce." Mem has recently survived a near
dismissal on academic, development and disciplinary grounds,
and seems to be coming into his stride. He was initially
awkward and given to crushes to the benefit of no one, but at
this point he is popular, friendly, likeable and hard working,
though he still has some self-esteem issues -- particularly
when compared with his brother, sister and parents, all of whom
overachieved academically. (Rip's mother, Doctor Laura Davis,
is a Nobel Prize winning physicist, for example.) Underneath it
all, Mem seems to already possess the spirit of a hero.
Transit's adopted brother, because she needed family she could
implicitly trust and that was Mem -- and besides, Mem's family
fell in love with her too. Meaning he has yet another
academically overachieving sibling -- can't win for losing,
sometimes. Close friends with Frigid Girl, and best friends
with Kid Electron -- because statistically, someone had to be.
In one sense, Mem has the farthest to go to be ready to be a
professional superguy... but in another sense he has everything
he needs to be a *hero.*
TRANSIT: Also called 'Trans.' An artificial person, genetically
developed by unknown persons for unknown reasons. Encoded with
memories and knowledge. Possesses the ability to open and
manipulate vectored teleportation gates. Trans is a lightning
polymath and physics prodigy, able to do the complex
mathematics necessary to use her abilities and passionately
devoted to mathematical and scientific research. Trans feels at
home at the Academy, where most of the people she cares about
lives. She is closest to Mem, who has become her stepbrother.
She used to date Kid-E, and is close to Frigid Girl. She loves
everything about the Academy except English courses, which she
loathes with a passion. As a result, one could say Scholarman
was her arch enemy -- except she likes his tea and he does tell
good stories sometimes. But still -- enemy!
KID ELECTRON: Darren Bates. Also called 'Kid-E.'Possesses powerful
electrokinesis -- able not only to generate lightning as an
attack, but control the flow of electricity through electrical
equipment. Canadian. Kid-E is very handsome, makes friends
easily, and is a notorious ladies' man. Kid-E is acing the
program, but lacks the core ideals and ethics to be a true
hero. He is working on it, and growing as a person... but
there's still a long, long way to go. Unexpectedly, he has
become good friends with Mem, and feels protective towards
Transit. Frigid Girl is his sister. In one sense, Mem and Kid-E
are mirror opposites -- Mem the thin, wiry acrobat who has
trouble mastering his abilities, academics and practical
skills, but possesses an innate sense of right and wrong and a
good heart, and Kid-E, who is powerful looking, strong,
handsome, confident, an expert with his electrokinesis, pulling
almost effortless straight A's in every subject... and doesn't
so much see a difference between right and wrong as 'what will
you get caught doing' versus 'what will you get away with.'
Apparently highly skilled at amorous relations. (No, he and
Trans didn't go there -- he has *some* amount of a soul.)
PORTENTOUS PIRANHA: Also called 'Porty.' 'Born' of a hideous moment
where an innocent piranha was exposed to Dynamite Vest Man's
N-1 dimensional eyes, and given access to twisted, horrible
secrets fish was not meant to know. The Sorceress Subternatural
possesses evil, dark, twisted magical powers. She (we're
assured it is a she) also is about four foot nine, and the
entire front of her body seems to be mouth, filled with
horrifying rows of teeth. She is horrible, disgusting, and once
skeletonized an entire pasta dinner for two in under six
seconds. Naturally, she is well liked by her classmates and
seems to get on well while plotting to consume their flesh and
destroy their souls -- vocally. They appreciate her honesty.
The school's mascot was named after her -- thus, whenever they
have a chance to play sports with other schools, it's the
A.L.U.A. Soul-blighted Hellfish who take the field. Originally
created by William R. Dickson, but things change, man. Things
change.
("Mason's Mazin' Mob")
All descriptions written by *THE* Mason
Kramer and apply specifically to May of 1996. All these
characters save Summer were created by Mason, and are used by
his gracious permission.
PHOBOS: Leader of the 'Mazin' Mob. Also known as Mason Kramer, as he
recently revealed his identity to the world at large. A
somewhat plump technophile, Phobos is able to interface with
electronic items and has an incredible facility with creating
them, having earned his doctorate in electrical engineering
last year at the age of 15. He can also fly, leaving a rainbow
trail, fire laser blasts, and has a force field, all of which
are internal powers that he originally thought were externally
provided by devices he created. Currently romantically involved
with Summer of Team M.E.C.H.A.
MENTAL: Timothy Ward, Best Friend, or Mental Dude. Physically 18,
mentally 50. Struck by a malfunctioning aging ray at the age of
9, Mental hasn't aged physically since. A reasonably powerful
telepath and telekinetic, spends a fair amount of time with
Elizabeth Tirkoff in school. Out of school, spends even more
time with Dreamweaver, his wife.
MIGHTY DOG: Charlie is a semiclone of Mighty Guy and has all of the
same powers. The only real difference is that he's a sheepdog,
and seems slightly more in control of his abilities. Currently
seeing this poodle he's taken a fancy to.
DREAMWEAVER: Samantha Beckett-Malone Ward, once called Daydream
Believer. Able to create convincing illusions in two ways. The
first is to create an illusion that anyone can see, hear or
smell, but does not actually have physical presence. The second
is to project an illusion into someone's mind, where it seems
fully real to the person involved. While asleep, she is the
Queen of the Realm Nocturnae, or the Dreaming as it is better
known, titular head of those who shape dreams for those of the
mortal realm. In practice she's still getting the hang of this
job. Married to Mental, with whom she shares a telepathic link.
Pregnant with twins as of this story.
MIRROR MAID: Maria Mendez, formerly Reflective Lass. Originally able
to reflect attacks back at the attacker, her powers were wildly
increased in the same experiment Hellfire was involved in, to
the point where she reflects anything away, surrounded by a
silver aura that many take as her skin and hair color. Cannot
actually be touched. Infatuated with Phobos.
HELLFIRE: AKA Matchstick or "that spooky little girl in the Addam's
Family movies," Hellfire was involved in an experiment that
turned her body into that of living flame. She was later
exposed to the fires of Hell(tm) and changed her name to
reflect her new power. Currently not romantically involved with
anyone.
NOBODY: Roger Nobody (An alias? Nobody knows... and isn't telling),
once known as Deckmaster. Dead since the Industrial Revolution,
Roger is a ghost inhabiting a body created for him after the
afformentioned trip to Hell(tm). In this body, a reasonably
powerful mage with very little training. Outside of it, able to
go invisible or intangible. Currently infatuated with
Dangerousgirl, and appreciating the irony of going out with
Spandex Babe's sister, considering sides on the Revolution.
SUMMER: Summer (last name classified for reasons that has never
satisfactorily explained. Formerly of Team M.E.C.H.A. which (as
of these events) recently broken up in the wake of the
Revolution and the wake of her brother Mike nearly being killed
by her teammate Adam -- in case you thought ALU was the only
team to have baggage from the Revolution. Originally a normal
enough teenager who had some basic hand to hand and mecha
piloting training who found a cache of advanced technology. A
hyperspatial explosion innundated Summer with nanites which
ultimately supplanted her cells (though not her personality)
and gave her a morphing power she usually uses to form a
Cyclone power armor set or a black Celia-model hardsuit.
Currently romantically involved with Phobos. Summer was created
by Chris Meadows, and appears by his gracious permission.
MOMENTUM (probationary): AKA Alice NLA (no last name). Enrolled for
power training and counseling, only recently began taking
classes. A speedster currently capable of breaking the sound
barrier for brief periods. Originally using her powers as a
thief, currently on probation as she works with the team.
Barely able to understand the Dash, slowly developing a
friendship with her. Hates Elizabeth Tirkoff, which is a shame
since she's her counsellor. Obviously her hating Elizabeth
Tirkoff won't change, ever. Nuh uh. No way. Dated Errand Boy
briefly, current relationship status unknown.
MIME MAN: Burt Ward (no relation to either of the other candidates).
Not enrolled at the Acadely, as he actually has a day job as a
mute lawyer, though he is on the Board of Trustees. When bitten
by a radioactive mime, gained all the powers and abilities of a
mime, which basically means he can create solid but invisible
items by mimicking the use of such. Single and loving it.
Shockingly, horrifyingly rich.
JENNY: Also known as Jenny. The artificial int--OW! Pardon, the
*cybernetic* intelligence behind both Mason's 'Mazin' Mob and
Team M.E.C.H.A., Jenny was originally created by Phobos, then
enhanced to an actual intelligence by Summer. Pretty much runs
Stately Ward Manor using a variety of peripherals and
holographic projectors. Plays the stock market well, and is
working on getting controlling interest in Microsoft Inc.
Infatuated with JOEL, who seems mellow about her attention.
PLANET SEATTLE
M'YET OF HOUSE DUKAT: A native of the Ottsamattawidu Confederation
world of South Dakota -- a boring agricultural world. M'yet's
race has green skin and small antennae. South Dakota was so
intensely boring that M'yet learned computer hacking in his
spare time, and stumbled upon Emperor Rad Moroboshi's all
access password. He used his new access to embezzle millions
upon millions of Imperial Crowns, and also learned of the
existence of the Oanthet -- called the Omniquantum Megabracers
by an unimaginative Ottsamattawidu Milita and an even less
imaginative writer -- and became obsessed with stealing them.
At the series's beginning, he and his wife have relocated to
Planet Seattle, where they were being kept, and have opened a
coffee and microbrew bar. They got there aboard the Free Trader
Oksana, where they met both Coye and Corpsman Alec Guinness
(coincidence). Over the course of the series, he gained the
Oanthet and evolved into near Godhood, but was defeated and
maimed (both arms cut off) by the Adjusted League
Unimpeachable. Currently catatonic in an Ottsamattawidu Milita
cell.
R'LLA OF HOUSE DUKAT: Another native of Planet South Dakota, and the
wife and partner of M'yet Dukat. R'lla, while not a thief by
temperament, truly loves the exciting, cosmopolitan life that
she and M'yet have had since raiding the Imperial Treasury. She
has no desire to get the Oanthet, but will support her husband.
She has also gotten close to Corpsman Alec Guinness
(coincidence), discussing the mysterious Fifth and philosophy
with him. At the start of this story, she is frightened by what
they are about to do. By this point in the series, she has
successfully helped her husband get the Oanthet, only to see
him become a cold and distant alien being... and then seen him
maimed to get the Oanthet back. Arrested with M'Yet and
imprisoned, he has recently been sprung by Alec Guinness
(Coincidence) and Coye, for reasons unknown.
COYE: A Pentus Mystica of the Magestrix, who was embedded on the
Free Trader Oksana as a scout and for minor missions years
before. She is a Sailing Master for ships that sail Overly
Hyped Space, and is a master at that job. She was activated
when M'Yet and R'lla of House Dukat booked passage to Planet
Seattle on the Oksana, and disembarked with them. She was
tasked with making certain that Mike Green ended up with the
Oanthet no matter what. She succeeded at this, by knocking
Dianna Potentiate away with a power blast. Paid a huge bonus --
which is very unusual, as bonuses only come when profits are
much higher than expected, and she saw no way this was
profitable -- she was intercepted by Alec Guinness
(Coincidence), who drew her attention when he revealed he knew
what she'd done and that the universe itself was in danger of
destruction, now.
ALEC GUINNESS (Coincidence), CORPSMAN OF THE FIFTH: Long retired
from the Xolchipalian Defense Forces and current Corpsman of
the Corps of the Fifth: a quasi- mystic order which seems to
explore the relationship between various Pentad points --
Creation, Destruction, Chaos, Order and Balance. Guinness
claims to be seeking balance, and seems to be able to move
uninhibited through checkpoints. He is kind and gentle, but
seems completely dedicated to protecting the universe from some
terrible fate. He has cultivated a friendship with R'lla, and
taken notice of Coye. After Mike Green claimed the Oanthet --
an act which caused Guinness physical pain -- he traveled to
Planet Seattle as quickly as he could. After arriving, he
recruited Coye and walked R'lla out of jail. He has told them
both that the universe is in danger of destruction, but they do
not know what that means.
MAGISTREX (Local 223)
PRIMUS MYSTICA JENNIFER CONNELLY (Coincidence): A Xolchipalian
expatriate who has risen through the ranks of the Magestrix to
become Primus (the first rank, commanding all others) Mystica
(the mysterious, prophetic, deeply magical side of the
Magestrix) for the Twenty-Third Order of the Fifth Arm of the
Magestrix. Connelly is the one who sent Coye to Planet Seattle
to interfere with M'yet and R'lla's capture of the Oanthet, for
reasons unknown. She has allied with Baneala, but is mostly out
for a different agenda. Over the course of the series, we have
seen her delay Baneala's project following Mike Green getting
the Oanthet, then demanding a launch on her schedule. And...
she seems aware of the end of the universe... and doesn't seem
disturbed by this.
TERTIUS FLEET BANEALA: A native of the planet Turd (it's not my
fault. Bill Paul created the damn thing), which is a planet
where anthropomorphized animals live (or lived -- if I remember
correctly, the place was blown up. If I remember correctly) as
the norm. Baneala herself is a fox-woman with red-brown fur and
a reddish mane. She does not have a tail. Baneala is a member
of the Magestrix, working specifically as a Tertius (third
level) Fleet operative (the Fleet operatives are those
responsible for controlling the ships that ultimately control
space, militarily and economically) for the Twenty-Third Order
of the Fifth Arm of the Magestrix. Baneala is ambitious, and
therefore has allied with Jennifer Connelly (coincidence) to
put different machinations in order, thinking it will get her
promoted. She has done her job well, and at this point in the
series, a warfleet of Disposab'll ships has set course for
Earth to steal all Earth's Fritonium. Yup. Fritonium.
XOLCHIPALIAN DEFENSE FORCES
(Please note -- native Xolchipalians,
for reasons beyond human comprehension, all seem to have the
names, appearances and in some cases mannerisms of Terran
science fiction and fantasy actors. However, they are clearly
silver-to-white haired with skin varying from deep burgundy to
blood red, so they are clearly aliens and not those actors at
all. The names and appearances and even mannerisms are just
coincidence, in a very real, and legally liberating sense. The
parody and satire laws exist for a reason, folks... I'm not
sure this was it, but still -- useful!)
LEFTENANT COMMANDER RICARDO MONTALBAN (Coincidence): A native
Xolchipalian who is high ranking in the Xolchipalian Defense
Forces. Montalban, the 'hero of the Eastern Frontier,' has been
given command of fleet operations in the Taybard Reach Channel
-- the buffer zone of space between Xolchipalian space and
Ottsamattawidu space. He directs the corvettes, gunboats and
base stations in and around the channel. Montalban, along with
his flagship, the Xolchipalian Defense Forces Cutter 'Cold
Equations,' was attacked by an amorphous black cloud. It was
fought off, but while Officers Fox and Lien (coincidence) and
Doctor Picardo (coincidence) seemed unaffected afterward,
Montalban and his bridge crew, including Leftenant LeVar Burton
(coincidence) and Officer Roxann Biggs-Dawson began to act
strangely -- apparently under alien control. Since the start of
the series, Montalban has been the prime motivator, directing
Mike Green to investigate Planet Seattle, then not allowing XDF
Officers to report the mission to central headquarters. He has
also been using extremely powerful xolchaprobes to observe
Planet Seattle -- a violation of treaty, but the Ottsamattawidu
situation has been tense and volatile enough that they've
gotten away with it. For now.
OFFICER MICHAEL J. FOX (coincidence): (Please note, even as Officer
Fox is *not* the star of Family Ties, neither is he the dark,
mysterious AntiElvis, Michael J. Fox. Because, as the prophet
Mojo Nixon has told us... Michael J. Fox has no Elvis in him.
This poor kid's had a hard life -- it's like being named Satan
T Lucifer Jones-Smith. You'd rather not.) A young officer,
recently commissioned and on his first deep space mission with
the Xolchipalian Defense Forces. Officer Fox was support crew
aboard the X.D.F.C. "Cold Equations." He has since colluded
with Officer Lien, Doctor Picardo, and Leftenent Peter Weller
to investigate the Planet Seattle situation -- the three of
them in a two man gunboat. Yeah, this is fun for them. They had
recently just gotten permission to land on Seattle.
OFFICER JENNIFER LIEN (coincidence): A moderately experienced and
brave, if still junior Officer of the Xolchipalian Defense
Forces. She is support crew aboard the X.D.F.C. "Cold
Equations." Lein has managed to become part of the small team
investigating the Planet Seattle situation directly. It's not
been fun.
DOCTOR ROBERT PICARDO (coincidence): Lt. Commander Montalban's
hand-chosen medic and a member of the Xolchipalian Defense
Forces Medical Corps. Doctor Picardo is technically a
Leftenant, but rank is typically not used among the Medical
Corps. It is the considered opinion of most ExDef physicians
that 'Doctor' outranks 'Supreme Commander' by about three
levels. Doctor Picardo, however, finds that assessment
ridiculously overly modest. Annoyed with essentially everyone,
always, Picardo has found himself having to deal with
quasi-paranormal encounters, mind control, and junior officers,
and thinks the entire affair was designed to make his life just
that much harder. Compounding all of this is his current
mission -- which itself is unofficial and technically a breach
of orders -- to investigate the Planet Seattle situation with
Officers Fox and Lien. In a two man gunboat. Which means two
bunks. Which means Picardo is sleeping in the brig. Typical,
really.
LEFTENANT PETER WELLER (coincidence): Commanding officer of
Xolchipalian Defense Forces Base Station 776, assigned just on
the Xolchipalian side of the Taybard Reach Channel, which
pretty much means he tells Officers Jeff Goldblum (coincidence)
and Lord John Lithgow (coincidence) what to do, while
coordinating assignments for the various ships patrolling the
Taybard Reach and the adjacent Xolchipalian territory, and
arranging band practices where needed. Weller is the epitome of
cool, with all things being either cool or not cool. His job,
in his eyes, is to make that which is not cool achieve cool.
Right now, his superior, Lt. Commander Montalban (coincidence)
is being decidedly uncool, and has further issued the uncool
order that no one on the Base Station can communicate
Montalban's activities and orders to Central Dispatch. They're
pretty sure Montalban's been compromised, but they can't yet
prove it -- so Weller arranged for a couple of the cooler
Officers in the channel to issue a distress call, and
manipulated Montalban in sending Doctor Picardo and Officers
Fox and Lien in a two man gunship to "help them out but keep it
quiet." That way, Lein, Fox and Picardo can investigate Planet
Seattle and find out just what is going on. One way or another,
Weller's going to get all of this to a state of cool.
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