SG: Sporkman #4 - A New Narration
greg at gfishbone.com
Mon Nov 5 17:09:24 PST 2007
Roger Important watched helplessly as Number Twenty-Two squirmed
under Spoonstryke's boot. The Serially Numbered Underling was utterly
unable to free herself, even though the superheroine seemed to barely
expend any effort at all in keeping her pinned to the floor.
This development was particularly troubling to Roger, because
Tee-Tee had been the teenager's protector and bodyguard for as long as
he could remember--she'd taken care of every school bully he'd pointed
her at and their older siblings and parents as well. Not to mention
any mall security guards or police officers who showed up whenever
Roger decided to walk out of the local Best Buy with unpaid-for boxes
piled up in his arms. No ten people together had ever offered Tee-Tee
a physical challenge...until now.
Spoonstryke ground her boot into Number Twenty-Two's back and
glared down at Roger. "If this one is the hired muscle of the
operation, you must be the brains."
"Who, me?" Roger squeaked. "I'm nobody important. It's my uncle you want."
"And your uncle is--?"
"But--" The superheroine blinked. "You said that you were Nobody
"No, I'm nobody important, but my uncle is Nobody Important."
"So...you and your uncle are the same person?"
"Not at all," said Roger. "My father's brother is Nobody
Important, but Nobody Important's brother's son is nobody important."
Spoonstryke thought for a long moment. "Are you named after your uncle?"
"Nope. My name's Roger."
She sighed. "Let's try it this way... Who is your father?"
"My father is Sum-Wan Important."
"Aha!" Spoonstryke exclaimed in triumph. "So your father is
someone important, the villain I'm looking for!"
"No, my father is already in jail. I live with my uncle, and he's
the someone important you're looking for."
"So...your uncle is Nobody Important and someone important at the
same time?" Spoonstryke asked tentatively.
"Exactly!" said Roger. "You know, for a superheroine you're not
** The Sporkarific Sporkman
** Episode #4: A New Narration
** By Greg R. Fishbone
Mickey melted back into the plush leather couch and stared,
slack-jawed, at the giant LCD screen. The movie was a bad superhero
drama--laughably bad--the kind that studios made as a tax write-off
and released directly into the SunCoast bargain bin. The actors
weren't even real superguys, so the production relied instead on
Styrofoam boulders, cheap CGI, and outdated post-production software.
But there was no doubt about it--Mickey's mother had been cast as
the film's protagonist.
"The Narrator strode deeper and deeper into the Google Gang's
secret lair," Mrs. Dunne narrated, as she strode deeper and deeper
into a cavernous sound stage decorated with random stands of
black-painted plywood. "For months, she had followed the gang's
worldwide web of criminal endeavors, until every strand led back to
Mrs. Dunne flinched as a flabby man in a crude bodysuit jumped
out at her. The symbol on his chest was a spiral-shaped "G" with an
arrow pointing out of it, up and to the right. "So, Narrator, we meet
at last!" he exclaimed.
"The Narrator flinched as a muscular man in a professional
villain costume jumped out at her," Mrs. Dunne narrated. "'So,
Narrator, we meet at last!' he exclaimed," she said. "The Narrator had
never seen this man before but instantly recognized the symbol on his
chest--a spiral-shaped 'G' with an arrow pointing out of it, up and to
the right. 'G-Male,' she gasped," she said.
The villain laughed.
"The villain laughed," Mrs. Dunne dutifully reported. "'How did
you find me?' she asked," she said.
"My teammate, Analytics, has been watching your every move," said
G-Male. "Didn't you find it strange that a basket of baked goods would
be delivered to your hotel room in Istanbul?"
"The Narrator's eyes went wide with horror and sudden
realization," said Mrs. Dunne, as her eyes bugged out in what was
apparently her best effort to emote horror and sudden realization. She
reached into her bag and pulled out a chocolate chip cookie. "She
reached into her bag and pulled out a chocolate chip cookie," she
said. "'Do you mean that all this time, this cookie was really a
tracking device?' she asked," she said.
The villain laughed again, trying his best to sound
evil--although Mickey had heard more convincing laughter from muppet
vampires on Sesame Street.
"The villain laughed again in the most bone-chillingly evil laugh
that anyone could possibly imagine," said Mrs. Dunne.
G-Male cracked his knuckles. "Give up now, Narrator, or face
certain defeat. I've got over 4518.988610 megabytes of pain with your
name on them! 4518.988702... 4518.988819... 4518.988904..."
"'I'm not afraid of you,' the Narrator spoke through her
courageously gritted teeth," Mrs. Dunne mumbled, finding it hard to
talk with her mouth clenched shut.
"Maybe not," said G-Male, "but you should be afraid of my teammates!"
"The Narrator gasped as additional gang members popped up from
their clever hiding places," said Mrs. Dunne as additional actors in
cheesy costumes crawled out from the plywood set-pieces they'd been
crouching behind. "The Narrator recognized the Google Gang members
from their dossiers," said Mrs. Dunne. "To her left was Blog-R, the
master of teen angst. Behind him crouched Pikasa, with her arsenal of
razor-sharp JPEGs. In the back stood U-Tube, who seemed to be
reenacting a skit from a classic episode of Saturday Night Live. And
finally, to the Narrator's right, stood Add-Words, known for confusing
her enemies with endless strings of commercial non-sequiturs."
"Today my cat died, I didn't get asked to the Red and Blue Dance,
and Sally Jones totally stole my boyfriend," Blog-R announced.
"Would you like to buy a puggle?" asked Add-Words. "Save on
official Garfield T-shirts! Click here for discount vacations to
"Landshark!" U-Tube announced, and the entire gang closed ranks
around the intruding hero.
"The action froze and the Narrator's voice delivered the
teasers," announced Mrs. Dunne in voice-over as the on-screen action
froze. "WILL THE NARRATOR SURVIVE THE GOOGLE GANG'S ONSLAUGHT? WILL AN
ACTING CAREER MAKE HER FORGET THE PAIN OF A BITTER DIVORCE AND
ESTRANGEMENT FROM HER ONLY SON? CAN THIS DREARY HOLLYWOOD EXISTENCE
EVER FILL THE VOID IN HER HEART? Find out in the next installment of
The Narrator movie franchise, only on DVD!"
Jeanette turned the lights up as the film's credits rolled up the
screen. "Do you believe in my hunches now, Mickey Dunne?"
Mickey nodded, keeping his eyes on the screen.
"Was zhat really your mother?" Jeanette asked.
"Yes..." Mickey snapped out of the shocked expression he'd held
for the entire movie. "I have to get back to the United States,
Jeanette. I have to see her."
Jeanette smiled. "I'll reserve us two tickets to Los Angeles."
"Two?" asked Mickey.
"Lucky for you, zhis is the week I've taken as my 'oliday from
work. Or maybe eet's not just luck, since zee scheduling was anozher
hunch I had months ago when I asked for zee days off. Funny how zhat
WILL MICKEY BE SUCCESSFULLY REUNITED WITH HIS MOTHER?
WILL HE BE ABLE TO STOP HER FROM MAKING ANOTHER CRAPPY MOVIE?
WHAT OTHER DANGERS AWAIT MICKEY AND JEANETTE ON THEIR WAY TO CALIFORNIA?
Find out sooner or later in another episode of The Sporkarific
Adventures of Sporkman, only on Superguy!
 Roger's father, Sum-Wan Important, first appeared in Preteen
Patrol #2, posted February 8, 1995. Sum-Wan and Nobody are
half-brothers, so Nobody is technically only Roger's half-uncle...I
 I couldn't resist the irony of naming a villain gang after a
company that uses "do no evil" as its slogan. But Google takes care of
my email, web search, mapping, online phone directory, and movie
showtime needs free of charge, so I can't honestly complain about
anything they do.
 After writing this episode, I searched YouTube for the classic
Saturday Night Live "Landshark" sketch and found that it wasn't
currently available, but I did find: a BMW commercial, a classic
commercial for a Masters of the Universe "Land Shark" toy, concert
footage of a band called Land Shark, a mashup using the SNL soundtrack
over footage from Naruto, an artist demonstrating how to draw a
landshark, a review of the Yakima LandShark kayak saddle system,
footage of somebody's two-year-old wearing a landshark Halloween
costume, a dog named Landshark chasing her own tail, stop-motion
animation of a shark doll attacking a Pee-Wee Herman doll, and many,
many landshark-based pranks. I knew YouTube wouldn't let me down!
Greg R. Fishbone - http://gfishbone.com
* Author: THE PENGUINS OF DOOM - http://septinanash.com
* President: Class of 2k7 - http://classof2k7.com
* ARA: New England SCBWI - http://nescbwi.org
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