SG: New Exarchs #8 - Quantity Surveying

Dave Van Domelen dvandom at haven.eyrie.org
Wed Dec 19 20:41:35 PST 2007


                         THE FOLLOWING PREVIEW
                         HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR 
                             ALL AUDIENCES

     "I'm tired of these motherfarkin' lemurs on this motherfarkin' airship!" 

     RUSH TO PRODUCTION Films brings you a holiday film that will warm the
cockles of your heart...after ripping them out through your ribcage!

     Jessica Simpson stars as Paris Hilton, a doomed debutante!

     "Like, did something just go 'frink' over there?"

     Morgan Freeman is Samuel L. Jackson as Neville Flynn, tough-talking FBI
Agent and one-man show! 
     
     "Alright, everyone!  Looks like I'm gonna have to go into the vents!
Again."

     Steve Buscemi is the quite possibly doomed and very definitely greasy
candidate for the Republican nomination for the Presidency, Rudy Guiliani!

     "Hey, baby, wanna see my nine-eleven?"

     And introducing five thousand ring-tailed lemurs as themselves!

     "Frink!  Frink!  Ptang!  Woo-Woo!"

     Wait, who let the lemurs into the sound booth?  AAAAGH!  Get 'em off!
GETEMOFFGETEMOFFGETEMOFF!!!!

     "Woo-Woo!"

                          SNAKES ON A PLANE II:
                          LEMURS ON AN AIRSHIP
                          COMING THIS CHRISTMAS

                       THIS MOVIE HAS BEEN RATED R
                      (Extreme violence and lemurs)


__--__--__--__--__--__--__--     \\NEW//       --__--__--__--__--__--__--__
 .|,Coherent Comics Presents      \\ //        #8 - Quantity Surveying
--X-------------------------     E }X{ ARCHS      copyright 2007 by the
 '|` A Superguy/LNH Tale          // \\        Dvandroid (Dave Van Domelen)
--__--__--__--__--__--__--__     //   \\       __--__--__--__--__--__--__--


[December 3, 2007 - Manhattan KS]

     Richard pulled off his mask.  "I'm going to try the direct approach," he
said, gesturing at the naugahyde-wearing man with the strange-looking
clipboard administering surveys outside the JSDFPenneys store.  "I'll go take
his survey.  You guys be ready to go in case he decides to do more than ask
questions." 
     "Right," Kat patted the slight bulge under her jacket.
     "Just remember, you don't want to see a movie about George Wendt eating
beans," Anna warned.
     "I'll...keep that in mind," Richard smirked, then walked out of the
anchor store and into the little courtyard spur.
     "Ah, sir, would you care to take a survey?" the man in brown naugahyde
asked as soon as Richard got close.
     "Certainly, my good man!" Richard replied with bonhomie.  He noticed
that the clipboard was using some sort of electronic paper technology, and
the surveyor was tapping out a few commands with a stylus as he looked
Richard up and down.
     "Thank you for your time, sir.  Firstly, are you a resident of this fair
town?" 
     "Yes."
     "And how long have you lived here?"
     "About two years at my current location, four overall."
     The man nodded.  "Where, may I ask, do you get your drycleaning done?"
     Richard pondered for a moment.  "I don't get a lot of drycleaning done,
actually.  Most of my clothing is machine-washable."
     "In water?"
     "Naturally," Richard blinked.  Ooookay.  "Oh, but there's this place
down in Aggieville that drycleans leather, I take my jacket there every so
often.  I forget the name, but you should be able to find it in the phone
book."
     "If, for some reason, washing your clothing in water was no longer a
viable option, would you take more of your business to that location?"
     "No water at all?"
     "No water at all," the surveyor nodded.
     "Hm, I don't think that operation can really handle high volume, I'd
probably have to go with one of the chain places.  Haven't really given it
much thought."
     "Would you be willing to give your business to a brand new drycleaner
who would be opening new branches here?"
     "I don't see why not.  Unless there was news of unsavory business
practices," Richard shrugged.
     The man tapped a few more notes in.  "Thank you.  Now, the next few
questions are purely for demographic information, and are multiple choice.
Okay?  Okay.  First, if your home town were to be invaded by forces from
another reality, you would A) flee, B) stand and fight as long as it seemed
to be working, C) fight until the bitter end, or D) welcome your new
overlords with open arms and flowers?"
     "Oh, definitely C.  Do you think such an invasion is likely?" Richard
quirked an eyebrow.
     "Well, you never know, do you?  And we'd like to know how loyal our
prospective customer base would be.  Next question, in the event of a
successful invasion, would you A) eagerly obey your new masters, B) obey
sullenly but with no rebellion, C) rebel in small ways, but back down when
faced with force, or D) join the resistance?"
     "D with a side order of probably leading the resistance, actually.  What
can I say?  I'm just that kind of guy," Richard smiled winningly.
     "Thank you!  That's very valuable information, sir.  Now, my computer
tells me that you're a totally random winner of one of our valuable giveaways
in this promotion," he pulled out a slender bracelet.  "It's a homeopathic
remedy bracelet with built-in biorhythm tracking and biofeedback.  And a
little alert here," he pointed to a small red LED, "that lets you know when
your clothing needs drycleaning!"
     "Hm, looks nice, but I need to be flying over the holiday, I don't think
I could get that through airport security..." Richard temporized.
     "Oh, no, it has full cloaking technology, and shouldn't set off any
sorts of security detectors, whether they look for metal or explosives or
spam," the man assured him, moving to clamp the bracelet around Richard's
wrist.  "I really need to fit it to you here, so it won't chafe or come off
accidentally." 
     There was a brief flurry of hands, and a click.  The surveyor blinked
and looked down at his own wrist, which wore the bracelet. 
     "Oops, how clumsy of me," Richard mock-apologized.  "Let me just take
that off you..."
     "NO!" the man jerked his hand back.  "You'll set off the...I mean,
you'll break the clasp," he finished, lamely.
     "Who's this survey for, anyway?" Richard snagged the clipboard that the
man was bobbling in his attempts to remove the bracelet.
     "Sir, that's private property, and contains confidential survey
information!" 
     "Sung the Stainless?  Huh, I suppose that works as a drycleaning chain
name, but I've never heard of it before," Richard tapped at the screen, but
it didn't respond.
     What did respond were the half dozen or so other browncoats in view,
though.  The naugahyde-clothed men had broken off their own surveying efforts
and were moving towards Richard and his new pal.
     "Kat!" He called over his shoudler.  "New toy for ya!" he tossed the
clipboard, and it sailed gracefully through the air and right into Kat's
hands.  She gave it a quick glance and then stowed it in her backpack.
     "I'm going to have to call mall security," the surveyor warned. 
     "No, I don't think you want to do that.  I don't think you have a valid
permit to be here in the first place, unless we've opened up diplomatic
relations with 000SUPERDRY," Richard smirked.  "Besides, if you had any plans
to sic the mall cops on me, your buddies wouldn't be closing in on us and
looking like they're about to draw weapons."
     "WE HAVE A SUPERGUY CODE SEVEN IN PROGRESS!" Kat's voice boomed out over
the portable amplifiers she carried.  Clearer than a bullhorn, useful for
shouting dramatically at bail jumpers holed up in hotels.  "PLEASE CLEAR THE
VICINITY!" 
     Quicker than any survey could have determined, it became abundantly
clear which people in the area had been living in Manhattan two years ago
(during the Erlang affair), and which hadn't.  The first group bolted into
the stores before the security shutters came crashing down, the second group
looked around in confusion just a little too long and had to flee for the
exits once they saw which way the wind was blowing.  A few out-of-towners
were probably clueful enough to know that "Code Seven" meant an imminent
fight against goons, though, and they got to cover as well.  And some just
knew to run away whenever someone with loudspeakers told them to clear the
vicinity.
     "Full scale inter-altiversal invasion is a code one-B, by the way,"
Richard explained as he spun into a roundhouse kick that left the surveyor
sprawled across a t-shirt kiosk, with "World's Greatest Sergeant" draped
across his face.  "This may be something of a hick *town*, but not a hick
*altiverse* by any means."
     The half dozen goons drew their blaster pistols and rushed to get clear
lines of fire, plus Richard could see a few more approaching from the
direction of the food court.  One seemed reluctant to put down his cinnamon
roll as he fumbled with his concealed holster.
     "Good thing we got all our paperwork up to date with the RCPD last
month," Anna noted, pulling out her batons and ducking and weaving her way
into melee range.  "But these guys clearly didn't see the 'no concealed
carry' signs at the entrance."
     "I doubt they bothered to get permits," Kat snarked, uncoiling a whip
and snapping a gun out of the hands of a goon who'd gotten a little too
close.  "Hard to do a background check on someone who isn't even from this
universe, after all."
     Richard deflected an energy bolt with his sword, the bursts seemed to
move no faster than an arrow despite being made of some kind of glowing
substance.  "I tell you, these invaders have no respect for due process or
the rule of law," he smirked, taking a moment to put his mask back on.  "It's
a good thing we had enough time to practice with that gun we took a month ago
to know we could get by without firearms ourselves."
     "Yeah.  Powerful, impressive, slow as molasses," Kat snarked, ducking
under a barrage of blasts from a clump of three goons and coming up between
them.  "I still want one, mind you, but mainly to use against slow hard
targets." 
     "I'm sure the RCPD'll let us have a few when we're done here," Anna
smacked a goon upside the head with both batons, felling him like a poleaxed
steer.  "And they're pretty good against Likmi mecha."  [As seen in New
Exarchs #6 - Ed, doing some last minute shopping elsewhere in the mall and
only now catching up with the fight scene.]
     Suddenly, one of the goons was distracted by something.  "AHHHHH,
Emoviates!" he shouted, pumping a few rounds into the display racks outside
the security shutters of the Hot Topic.  A dozen black t-shirts with images
of Roman Dirge characters burst into flames.  Fire extinguishers blasted the
general vicinity with foam, and the goon slipped and fell, cracking his head
on the tile.
     Everyone paused for a moment, looking upward as if expecting the entire
mall's fire suppression system to kick in and turn the fight into a bad 1990s
rave experience.
     Fortunately, the system was a bit more intelligent than that, having
incorporated technology used by the Battlefield Mall in Springfield MO.
Having a Superguy team [Team M.E.C.H.A. to be specific - Ed.] operating out
of a mall tended to result in great leaps in mall security technology that
trickled out to the rest of the country.
     "So," Skysabre addressed the five or six still standing while the pause
was still in effect, "would you like to A) surrender now, B) get beat on a
little more and then surrender, C) all go down fighting, or D) try to run
away?"
     A cheeezball formed behind three of the remaining goons.  Before they
could run through it, Kat had tossed a grenade-like object into the mass of
interdimensional fromage, and it suddenly turned brown and collapsed.
     "Sorry, if you want 'D' it's gonna have to be on foot," Anna waggled her
batons menacingly.
     "What was in that?" one of the goons asked.
     "Cinnamon.  Cinnamon and cheeez REALLY don't go together well, trust
me," Skysabre made a sour face.  "I wasn't sure that'd work, but I guess it
did." 
     "Um, is it too late to pick option A?" one of the goons dropped his gun
and raised his hands over his head.

IS IT TOO LATE TO PICK OPTION A?

WHAT WERE THE CHOICES, AGAIN?

HAVE YOU EVER TASTED CINNAMON AND CHEESE TOGETHER?  TRUST ME, YOU DON'T
WANNA. 

WHAT IS SUPERGUY CODE SIXTY-NINE?

WILL ADVANCES IN MALL TECH MEAN THAT WHEN THE ICE STORM HITS MANHATTAN ON
DECEMBER 11, THE MALL DOESN'T SHUT DOWN LIKE IT DID IN REAL LIFE?

IN FACT, WERE ANY TREES EVEN LEFT STANDING AFTER THAT WHOLE BATTLE WITH
ERLANG IN 2005, IN ORDER TO FALL ON POWER LINES IN 2007?

IS THE AUTHOR STILL A LITTLE BITTER ABOUT SPENDING 60 HOURS WITHOUT POWER AT
HOME?

     Answers to some of these, but hopefully no more power outages, on the
next...SUPERGUY! 

============================================================================

Author's Notes:

     The opening sequence has Greg's blessing, and is a reference to the
"Lemurs on an Airship" arc currently running in Sporkman.
     The George Wendt bit is an Animaniacs reference, in case anyone didn't
get it.  Richard didn't get it.  The JSDFPenneys store in the 000SUPERGUY
version of the mall is where the JCPenneys store is in real life, a decent
Japanese import store is close to it but was not harmed in the battle.  They
probably had a force field in the 000SUPERGUY version.
     "Aggieville" is the campus commercial area on the southeast side of the
K-State campus.  Because, you know, agricultural college and all that.
     "RCPD" is Riley County Police Department.  Manhattan's city police more
or less merged with county police when they built a new station in the late
90s.  Manhattan is mostly in Riley County, with a little sloshing over into
Pottawatomi County.  Riley County was probably the worst hit in the state in
terms of power outages from the December 11, 2007 ice storm, at least among
those served by Westar Energy (a lot of smaller places are supplied by local
co-ops).  And yeah, I spent a couple nights in a bedroom that was down around
50 degrees F, not a lot of fun.  At least campus only lost power briefly, so
I was able to come in to work to have power.



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