SF: HMS Golden Lance #34 - A Splinch in Time

[Troy H. Cheek]

SF: HMS Golden Lance #34 - A Splinch in Time

In a well-kept breakfast nook in a well-kept home with a well-kept yard in a
well-kept city in a well-kept country on a well-kept continent in a
well-kept hemisphere of a well-kept world orbiting a well-kept star in a
well-kept galaxy in what was probably the wellest-kept alterverse in all the
multiverse, though it wasn't technically part of said multiverse, a tea
party commenced.  At least, that's how Diana thought of it.

It was, as far as tea parties went, pretty weird.  But then, her life had
been pretty weird for some time now, so that was to be expected.

Diana looked around the table, which somehow kept expanding to make room for
all the guests as they arrived, and counted them off in her mind.

1) Time Agent 357 - Born of a race of near-immortal beings who tend to
live for hundreds of thousands of years until they die of boredom or
stupidity, 357 is actually a genetic throwback who is only expected to
live a mere thousand years or so.  His only goal in life is to retire.

2) Omegas - A very nearly all-powerful, almost omnipotent being of
unknown origin, Omegas has served the forces of Good, Evil, and
(mostly) himself.  This god-like alien, or alien-like god, could very
well set himself up as supreme ruler of all of Creation, if only he
could avoid getting himself into stupid situations that result in his
powers being drained.

3) Doctor Bing Von Spleen - The Galaxy's foremost Spamological Engineer
(because he personally killed the other threemost), Spleen invented
the Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re-Integrator (or ABPSAR).
Doctor Spleen was once an professor at a respected university, where
he enjoyed sex, beer, recreational drugs, and having a good time
irresponsibly, proving that he was actually a college *student*
trapped in a professor's body.

4) Ralph - Known as the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V, Ralph is
actually a friendly, easy-going weaseloid from Leibowitz IV and an
accomplished ukulele player in his own right.  He would much rather
return to his home in Netherspace and enjoy the company of his 500
weaseloid wives, but realizes that somebody has to be the "everyman"
character that the reader can relate to.

5) Herself, Diana Dark - This sweet, innocent girl from Chicago (or, at
least, as sweet and innocent as any girl from Chicago can be) was
transported into SFSTORY by an explosion caused by the interaction of
Cheez-Whiz and beer, though the police have attributed her disappearance to
a bizarre Cruisinart accident.  Former partner to Time Agent 386.

6, 7, and 8) Three natives of Time Agent 357's universe.  She didn't know
them very well.  The VAL9000 computer aboard the HMS Golden Lance, their
ship, listened in through a communications link.

357 set down his teacup.  "Everybody, these are my two oldest friends,
Thirteen and Suzie416.  You've already met my mother, Mildred."

There was a general murmer as each person greeted the other.  By the time
they'd finished, most had lost track and began greeting again.  Diana put a
stop to that.

"We're in a bit of a hurry, people," she snapped.  She didn't like to snap,
but she was a redhead and such things were expected.  "I only have one quick
question before we begin.  357, why is it that you and 386 and most of the
other people from your alterverse have numbers for names, but your mother is
Mildred?"

Mildred explained.  "We're pretty much immortal, dear, and we cover an
entire universe, so quite a while back we ran out of names.  The current
naming scheme involves the use of thirteen given names and four family
names.  Even that isn't enough to avoid duplication, so we tack a number on
the end of it."

"My number is 1,973,484,357.  Or 357 for short," 357 put in.  "My nephew was
named after me, but 28 other people had used the same name between our
births, so he goes by 386."

Mildred continued.  "In my circle of friends growing up, there were already
a few children with similar numbers, so I ended up using one of my names to
avoid confusion.  Most people use a number or a name with a number in casual
conversation."

"Ah, that makes perfect sense," Spleen said.  Of course, the main reason he
said it was because he'd dumped his tea early on and had been filling his
cup from a hip flask.  Everything was making perfect sense to him.

"Now that we've finished with the pleasantries--" Omegas spoke the last word
as if it left a bad taste in his mouth "--let's get down to business.  How
do we stop 386?"

Thirteen, who had been doodling on a napkin, spoke up.  "My wife Suzie416
and I are temporal physicists.  We've been working on the problem since
Mildred first contacted us.  Well, rather, we've been working on 386's
problem."

Suzie416 jumped in.  "What Thirteen means is that we've been trying to
figure out how 386 plans to destroy the universe.  Even with the
near-infinite ability to manipulate time and space that Doctor Spleen's
invention gives him, he has to have a plan."

"History has a way of correcting itself," 357 explained.  "Even if an
alterverse is completely destroyed, which is pretty darned difficult to do,
the multiverse abhors a vacuum.  Almost immediately, a new alterverse will
begin forming to take it's place.  It might not be identical to the old one,
but it will be functionally equivalent."

Ralph was in way over his head, but didn't let that stop him from voicing a
thought.  "But, this alterverse is special, you said.  It exists outside the
multiverse.  Will it still be replaced?"

"Quite possibly, though it's not certain," Thirteen said.  "It may take
longer, but the very uniqueness of the formation of this universe will
almost force the multiverse to spawn an equivalent."  He tried to show
everyone the doodles on his napkin which showed just how likely this was,
but nobody paid much attention.

"So, since not just any alterverse-killing scheme will work, what are 386's
options?" Diana asked.

"Go back to the beginning," Thirteen stated, definitively.

"Go forward to the end," his wife Suzie416 stated, just as definitively.

357 and Diana exchanged worried looks while the old married couple carried
on like, well, an old married couple.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Meanwhile (not all that far away in terms of time and space) an aged,
cloaked, hooded figure typed furiously at the keys of an Automatic
Beet-Peeler and Sub-atomic Re-integrator Mark II, programming it for the end
of existence.  He was quite pleased with himself.

"I knew that tapping their communications link would pay off!" he exclaimed
to himself somewhat giddily.  "Two good ideas.  Now which will I use?"

After a few minutes, he stopped wondering and smiled.  It was not a pleasant
smile.  He executed a series of particularly difficult seven-fingered
control sequences on the keyboard, then finished off by hitting ENTER with a
flourish.

"This plan will wipe out my entire home alterverse.  I'll never have to
worry about 357 or anyone else from here stealing my fame.  I, 386, will be
unique!  I, 386, will be the most (in)famous being in the entire
multiverse!"

And with that, he teleported out.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"I knew that letting our communications link get tapped would pay off!" Time
Agent 357 exclaimed to himself somewhat giddily.  "Somebody track that
teleportation trace!"

"Already on it," responded Valerie McSteel.  She and the VAL9000 computer
worked well together, which was to be expected seeing as they were both
chunks of advanced computer hardware running copies of the same core
programs.  "I have a vector."

=Heavy temporal readings as well,= the VAL9000 commented.  In contrast to
Valerie's low, seductive tones, Val had a high-pitched, nasally voice.  Also
in contrast to Valerie's quite normal voice, Val's was obviously artifically
produced.  =Looks like a negative time gradient.=

"He's going back to the beginning.  I was right!" bragged Thirteen.  His
bragging was cut off by the swift kick to the shin his wife delivered.

"Setting course," Spleen spoke.  "Engaging temporal drives.  Atomic
batteries to power.  Turbines to speed.  Spam cans stacked neatly."

In no time at all (literally) they had backtracked through time to the point
where the home alterverse -- Diana realized that she had never heard it
called by any other name -- first spun off from the multiverse.  It was
quite a far ways back in history.  It was so far back that when she asked
the computer for an estimate on how many alterverses currently existed, the
number was small enough to fit on only three display screens.

"There it is!" someone shouted.

Sure enough, someone was right.  Up ahead, though technically behind as they
were moving backward in time, a strange disturbance seemed to be blocking
the home alterverse's attempt to merge with the multiverse, though
technically it was moving away as they were, as mentioned before, moving
backward in time.

=There's some kind of structure over there.  I read a breathable atmosphere,
standard gravity, and a complete lack of the types of lethal radiation which
should be zipping through the area right about now.=

357 adjusted his captain's hat to a more rakish angle.  "Diana, Spleen,
Omegas, Ralph.  You're with me.  Valerie, you and Val monitor from here.  If
things go wrong, warp out of here with Thirteen, Suzie416, and my Mother
before the time eddies can wipe them out.  Get back to the multiverse and
contact Lieutenant Floyd Cobalt of the Time Police.  He'll know what to do."

"We're not leaving you, 357," Valerie stated quite clearly.

"If this mission goes wrong, there won't be anything to leave behind."  By
this time, he and his selected group had already stepped onto the Temporal
Teleportation Terminal, or TTT for short.  "Activate!"

The teleportation sequence was instantaneous and 100% efficient.  The
electrical crackling, lightning arcs, and rainbow afterimages were simply
showmanship.

Time Agent 357 opened eyes that he didn't remember closing, let out a deep
breath he didn't remember holding, and scanned the area.  357 knew that he
would find his nephew, Time Agent 386, ready to destroy his team.

357 was quite put out when he could not find 386.  Instead, he saw five
figures standing in front of them.

Diana, as contractual agreements required, spoke first.  "Um, 357.  That
looks like us over there."

357 agreed.  The five figures were an exact match for himself, Diana Dark,

Doctor Bing Von Spleen, Omegas, and Ralph the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax
V.  He reached for his sidearm, but noticed that his counterpart moved at
exactly the same kind.  He sighed a sigh of relief.

"They're just temporal echoes," 357 explained.  "Illusions!  Nothing to
worry about."

357 holstered his sidearm.

His echo pointed his at 357 and opened fire.

"What the Hell(tm)!" Spleen yelled as he dove for cover.  Diana
managed to take 357 down with a flying tackle that carried him out of the
field of fire.

"Those don't appear to be illusions," Diana opined as she helped him to his
feet.

"Okay, so I don't know what they are," 357 admitted.  "But I do know that
they're heading this way.  Spread out!"

357 faced off against his duplicate.  "Who or what are you?" he asked.

The other 357 smiled and responded in an eerily similar voice.  "I'm you.
Or, rather, a duplicate of you created the moment you entered this
structure.  A synthetic organism."

"A synthorg!" 357 shouted.  "Just like when I faced renegade Time Agent
Greez Hyperiok at Time Central a while back.  It wasn't really him."

"I remember that incident as well as you do.  You don't need to remind me,"
his double chided him.

"Yeah, but it's been a while.  I thought the readers might need a reminder."

"True."

"So, what should I call you?"

The duplicate smiled again.  "I am the Transforming Intelligent Machine
Engineered for Assassination, Galactic Exploration, and Nocturnal
Troubleshooting #357.  Or T.I.M.E. A.G.E.N.T. 357 for short."

Time Agent 357 took advantage of his opponent's lengthy name to fire off a
few shots of his own.  The T.I.M.E. A.G.E.N.T. dodged as easily as 357 would
have done himself.

Meanwhile, Diana Dark squared off against her own opponent.  She whipped out
her expandable staff and started swinging.  Her double was equipped with an
identical staff and just as swiftly began blocking.

"And what do I call you?" Diana screamed over the sounds of staves whacking.

"D.I.A.N.A. D.A.R.K.: Digital Intelligent Android Normally for Accurate
Destruction, Assassination, and Rational Killing."

"Of course."

Meanwhile, Omegas faced his doppleganger.  This was not a new experience for
him.  More than once, Omegas had been split into two beings and had faced
his other half (who called himself Sagemo) in battle on at least one
occasion.

"Omegas," he stated quietly by way of introduction.

"O.M.E.G.A.S.: Operational Mechanical Exploration and Galactic Assassination
Soldier," came the equally quiet reply.

"So," said Omegas.

"So," agreed O.M.E.G.A.S.

Meanwhile, Doctor Bing Von Spleen squared off against his duplicate.

"V.O.N. S.P.L.E.E.N. or Versatile Operational Neohuman Skilled in
Peacekeeping, Logical Exploration, and Efficient Nullification," the
duplicate cheerfully explained.

"Lovely," Spleen answered.  "Well, I'm not much of a fighter."  He gestured
toward the two Dianas who were pulling each other's hair as they rolled
across the floor.

"Me, neither, of course," S.P.L.E.E.N. responded.  "We both seem to be
lacking in advanced weaponry, too."  357 came sprinting by, tossing some
kind of grenade over his shoulder at the other 357 chasing him.

"I don't even know what Omegas is doing," Spleen admitted.

"We lack his unholy power in any case," S.P.L.E.E.N. put in.

"Too bad I picked this week to quit drinking," Spleen said wistfully.

"You, too, huh?  Definitely too bad.  Why, I've got two whole cases of fine
aged Denoobulan whiskey in my backpack."

"What a coincidence!  So do I.  Say, why don't we let this whippersnappers
fight it out amongst themselves while we go have a drink or two."

"Well, okay, but just a small drink."

"Tiny."

"Infintestimal, even."

Meanwhile, Ralph the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V raised his hackles.
His slavering mouth dripped acid.  Blood dripped from his unbreakable claws.
  His eyes glowed red with laser vision capable of tearing a planet in half.

And his counterpart did the same.  Which Ralph had to admit was a good show
and might have frightened him had he not known that he was just a simple
powerless weaseloid from Leibowitz IV.

"Robotic Artificial Logical Peacekeeping Humanoid," his counterpart
mentioned conversationally.  "But you can call me R.A.L.P.H."

"We aren't humaniods," Ralph mentioned.

"I had to come up with a name in a hurry," R.A.L.P.H. responded.

"Ah, well, we can always work on something better later."

"If there is a later."

Will there be a later?<br>
How will 357, Diana, Omegas, Spleen, and Ralph defeat their duplicates?<br>
Where is 386 and was he duplicated as well?<br>
Who put the bomp in the bomp bomp bomp ba-bomp?

For the answers to many unusual questions totally unrelated to these, tune
in again tomorrow, same SFSTORY time, same SFSTORY channel!