SF: HMS Golden Lance #32 - A Plethora of Villains

Sat Feb 11 22:31:40 PST 2006

SF: HMS Golden Lance #32 - A Plethora of Villains

First, the cast...

Time Agent 357 - Mortal (but extremely hard to kill) offspring
of immortal parents, Time Agent 357 is perhaps the greatest Time
Agent ever known, notwithstanding the fact that most of his
greatest adventures occurred after he decided to retire.  Known
throughout the galaxy as a Champion of Truth, Justice, and the
Ability to Consume Large Amounts of Alcohol in a Single Sitting.
Recently rescued from limbo.

Omegas - God-like alien, or alien-like god, Omegas has served the
forces of Heaven, Hell(tm), and mostly himself.  Currently mostly
depowered and not quite the cosmic-level threat he perceives
himself to be, he is still quite formidable.  Recently rescued
from the aforementioned limbo.

Diana Dark - Sweet, innocent girl from the Earth city Chicago,
Diana is a former partner (professional) of missing Time Agent 386
and current partner (romantic) to Time Agent 357.  Although many
are captivated by her beauty, Diana is more than just a pretty face.
She's also a huge set of knockers, legs that won't quit, and an ass
that you can bounce a quarter off of.  She is unfortunately quite
devoted to Time Agent 357, not that any of us would have a chance
with her, anyway.  Sigh.

Doctor Bing Von Spleen - The galaxy's foremost Spamologist (because
he personally killed the other threemost), Spleen invented the
Automatic Beet Peeler and Sub-Atomic Re-integrator technology that
powers most advanced technology found in the universe today.  He
also invented the ABPSAR Mark II, or ABPSARII, which everyone is
trying to recover.  Doctor Spleen was once a professor at a respected
university, where he enjoyed sex, beer, recreational drugs, and
having a good time irresponsibly, proving that he was actually a
college student trapped in a professor's body.

Ralph the Giant Ralph the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V - Though
Ralph enjoys a fearsome reputation, he is actually a friendly,
easy-going weaseloid from Leibowitz IV and an accomplished ukulele
player in his own right.

VAL 9000 - Val is a hyper-advanced synthetic intelligence who
controls the HMS Golden Lance for which this serial is named.

Valerie McSteel - This knockout is a NEKKID Series 69 battle android
currently controlled by a backup copy of the VAL 9000 operating system.

Dijon Mu'tard - Dijon is a medium-sized, human-looking male being
who tends to wear expensive but peculiar clothing and hangs out with
sentient black holes which he treats as pets.  He recently had the
job of chief flunky to renegade Time Agent Greez Hyperiok and assisted
him in stealing the ABPSARII.  Unhappy with the job Greez was doing,
Dijon promoted himself over Greez's rapidly cooling corpse.

And now, on SFSTORY...

Dijon Mu'tard stood on the bridge of the S.S. You Are About To Die,
which looked to be made of modeling clay and pipe cleaners and
designed by a small child.  This belied the fact that the ship was
quite possibly the most powerful destructive force ever known to
sentient life.  Or, at the very least, the most destructive force
known to Dijon Mu'tard, who used to hang around with black holes and
singularities, so he had some idea of what he spoke.

Dijon was wearing an orange jumpsuit with gold trim, accented by a
silver belt and mauve shoes.  This was one of his more subdued outfits.
He was currently looking entirely too pleased with himself considering
the forces that were arrayed against him.

The HMS Golden Lance, actually a pleasant shade of light blue, powered
toward him.  The time cruiser HMS Dentless flew in tight formation.
Behind them were nine other Time Police ships of varying abilities,
recently arrived from Time Central.  Dijon was not familiar with their
designs, but had no doubts that they were quite formidable.

"I have no doubt that these ships are quite formidable," Dijon said.
"On the other hand, so is mine."  He punched a few buttons.

"Mine" was incorrect, as the ship legally belonged to Greez Hyperiok.
Of course, as what was left of Hyperiok was currently making its way
through the ship's waste disposal system, that point was moot.

The S.S. You Are About To Die pivoted on an imaginary axis, bringing
secondary weapons systems in line with the approaching ships.  The
first salvo went wide, while the second actually passed between two
ships in the formation.

The third hit one of the smaller ships head-on.

"Bleep!  Bleep!  Bleep!  Bleep!" came over the radio.

"Is that an alarm?" asked Captain David Morgen of the HMS Dentless.

"Actually, I believe that's the pilot of ship #7," answered his first
mate and chief alien flunky, Fim.  "The communications computer rated
his language as inappropriate for this audience."

"You said that linking our shields would render us immune to their
weapons!"

"I said that linking our shields <i>might</i> render <i>some</i>
additional protection and allow <i>some<i> of us a <i>small</i>
chance of survival."

"Whatever!" shouted Morgen.  Heroic captains couldn't be bothered
with details.  "Signal the damaged ship to fall back.  As for the
rest of us, full speed ahead!"

As the damaged ship was already in full retreat, Fim did nothing
but sigh and blink all this eyes in sequence.  He had 37 today,
so it took a while.

Dijon fired again, this shot going wide again.  If he was trying
to destroy the approaching ships, he was doing a lousy job.

If he was trying to delay them, on the other hand, he was doing
pretty good.

Onboard the HMS Golden Lance, the tension was so thick that it
could be cut with a knife and served with a nice wine.  This ship
was crewed by none other than the legendary Time Agent 357, his
girlfriend and co-pilot Diana Dark of Earth, the renegade immortal
known simply as Omegas, scientific bad boy Doctor Bing Von Spleen,
and Ralph the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V.  The shipboard
intelligence VAL 9000 and her robotic avatar Valerie were busy
elsewhere.  See previous issues for their backstories.

"Missed again!" shouted Omegas, cackling maniacally.

"Adjusting course another 5 degrees to port," Diana Dark reported
to 357.  "Does Omegas realize we're being herded?"

"Probably not," answered 357.  "But toward what?  Sensors show
nothing in this area of space."

Ralph, peering myopically at his scanners, muttered "Too much nothing."

"The black hole!" everyone shouted at once.

357 activated the communications systems.  "Break formation!  Plan
Theta!  Plan Theta!"

A black hole is a dead star which has collapsed under its own weight
until its gravitational force is so strong that nothing, not even
light, can escape.  They don't move, at least not quickly.  Instead,
they pull things toward them.  Although some of their victims may
attribute them with evil intent, they are actually simply natural
phenomenon with no intentions whatsoever.

Tell that to the black hole currently bearing down on our heroes with
a malevolent gleam in its non-existent eyes.

Her name is Mabel.  She is a miniature, intelligent, hypergravitic
singularity.  She has but one purpose:  destroy her master's enemies.

The Time Police control the eternal forces of time itself, but even
they respect the power of a black hole.  Their Realspace(tm) drives,
though capable of accelerating to within a gnat's whisker of the speed
of light, are still incapable of pulling them away.  Their shields,
the heavier of which can shed the heat of an exploding nova, are
useless in a mega-gravity field.  Their synthetic gravity plates can
protect the crews when landing on a neutron star, but can't keep them
from turning into strawberry jam on toast inside a black hole.

Dijon chuckled as the approaching ships scattered in disarray.

No, not disarray.  The ships had actually simply changed to a wider
formation.  And they were suddenly powering towards the black hole,
closing the distance to the approaching black hole in seconds.

"Mabel!  Watch out!  It's a..."

The Time Police may not have any control over gravity, but they're
experts at temporal and spacial manipulation.  Beams of energy
sprang from the ten ships, creating a lattice of temporal flux.
Inside, a portal opened.

A time portal.

It is claimed by some physicists that black holes are to be
responsible for the end of our universe.  All matter will
eventually find itself falling down one or another.  Their
ever-increasing gravity will eventually pull them together,
dragging space along with it.  In the end, all that will be left
of the universe is one giant black hole.  An interesting theory.
One that might possibly be true, however unlikely.

But if it is possible, however unlikely, then somewhere in
multiverse it must have actually happened.  If it happened, the
Time Police know about it.

And can open a portal to take you there.

Little Mabel never knew what hit her.  Never knew that anything
<b>had</b> hit her.  The extreme gravity warped time around her.
 From her point of view, even now she is still bearing down on her
victims.  Any second now.  Any second.

Any second.

 From the view of the Time Police ships, she was sucked inside the
giant black hole in an instant.  An instant later, they shut down
the portal.  The power of the giant black hole was already
disrupting space and time.  The Time Police ships were on the
fringes, heavily shielded against just this type of power, and
shrugged it off without a moment's notice.

The S.S. You Are About To Die, on the other hand, had shielding
which was much more powerful but not nearly so specific, and was
directly in the patch of the disruptions.

Dijon staggered to his feet.  How dare they!  He began tearing
through debris, looking for his ABPSARII.  Once he found that...

He did not even look up when heard the incoming transmission.
"Give it up, Dijon!" 357 demanded.

Dijon paused long enough to make a rude hand gesture toward the
viewscreen.  That was when he noticed that it wasn't on.  He looked
around and noticed that he was surrounded by a cadre of heroes.
Time Agent 357.  Diana Dark.  Omegas.  Doctor Bing Von Spleen.
Ralph the Giant Space Weasel of Anthrax V.  Valerie McSteel.  Even
the HMS Golden Lance itself had somehow warped itself into the upper
command deck.

"ulp!" he gulped.

Time Agent 357 and the others readied various sidearms and other
weapons.  "Give it up, Dijon!" 357 repeated.

Dijon ignored him.  He'd just found an archaic computer keyboard.
The current form of the ABPSARII.  "Stand back, all of you!  One
wrong move and you're all dead!"

And he might have done it, too, if not for the mysterious portal
opening behind him.

"Look out behind you, Dijon!" shouted Ralph helpfully.

"Go back to preening your whiskers, rodent!  I won't be fooled by
so simple a YEARGHHHHHH!"

Dijon looked down at the metal blade extending from his chest.

"This isn't possible," he muttered softly.  "I have a contract for
three more episodes this season..."  The keyboard clattered quietly
as he dropped it.  His own dead body hitting the deck plates made
scarcely more noise.

"Only in flashbacks, Dijon!" predicted the form behind him which
had just stepped out of the fading mysterious portal.  "It is time
that I came to the forefront.  Let these pitiful heroes gaze upon
the might of their nemesis!"

The might of their nemesis appeared to be a little old lady.

357 did a spit take.  "Why, it's Priscilla Mussbonnet, my old
secretary!"

Diana gave him a sideways look.  "Your old secretary was a galactic
overlord?"

"Well, she was an <i>evil</i> secretary.  Tried to take over Time
Central and all of the multiverse.  She also gave birth to..."

"My dear son, Sylvester Mussbonnet.  Since my poor Stanley died,
my son is all I've had to remember him by.  I remember Stanley lay
there dying, gasping for breath, his hands fluttering helplessly
around that pillow I was holding over his face, and I promised him
that I would take good care of his son.  Well, Stanley thought
Sylvester was his son.  But now you've ruined all that by allowing
Sylvester to be killed!"

"Did we kill anybody named Sylvester today?" Omegas asked.

Doctor Spleen knew the answer.  "I adventured with him for a while,
so I learned his real name.  You knew him better as Greez Hyperiok."

"Hyperiok!" Diana shouted.  "The renegade Time Agent who originally
stole the ABPSARII and set this storyline into motion?"

"The same," confirmed 357.  "Nice exposition."

"My best asset," she replied, jiggling a couple of her other best
assets at him.

This distraction unfortunately gave Priscilla time to grab the
ABPSARII.  "Hah!  Jiggle all you want, you little hussy!  This
device will allow me to do anything.  I'll take over the universe.
I'll raise my son from the dead.  I'll be unstoppable!"

"Oh, never say that," warned Ralph, still in helpful mode.

"Somebody shut him up," Omegas grumbled.

"I'll say it again.  I'm unstoppable!  Nothing can stop me now!"

She might have been right, technically speaking.  The energy bolt
which connected to the side of her head didn't actually stop her.
Instead, it sent her cartwheeling across the room.  The structural
support she encountered there was also insufficient to actually
stop her.

Collision with the support was, however, quite sufficent to end her.

Another mysterious portal had formed.  A cloaked figure stepped
through.  The figure had Evil Galactic Overload written all over
it.  When it spoke, fiery letters burned themselves into the air.

I AM THE TRUE MASTER.  IT IS I WHO SET THESE EVENTS INTO MOTION.
IT IS I WHO WILL TAKE THE ABPSARII.  IT IS I WHO SHALL RULE ALL
OF CREATION.

357 stepped between the figure and the ABPSARII.  "And who are you?"

IT IS TIME TO REVEAL MYSELF.

The figure pulled back the hood of its cloak.  Everyone present
was dumbfounded.  Diana was the first to recover her voice.  "357!
It's you!"

Is it really 357?
What will this revelation mean for our heroes?
What is the ground speed of an unladen swallow?

For the answers to these, or possibly other, questions, check back
next month for another exciting episode of...  SFSTORY!