SG: Ignorant Man Returns, Part 3 -- The Ignorant Might be Willing to Inherit The Earth

[prkadet at yahoo.com]

Part 3 of 3:  The Thrilling-ish Conclusion!

International Falls, Minnesota

The border crossing wasn't one of the better protected
entries to Canada. A determined malefactor in a
powerful sport utility vehicle might rush across the
American and Canadian checkpoints at either end of the
bridge that straddled the Rainy River. But why? To
violate the serenity of the fictional home of Rocky
and Bullwinkle? To disrupt the work of the massive
Boise Cascade plants that turned the mighty North
American forests into pulp and paper? To wake up
sleepy Fort Frances, where, on a quiet, summer Sunday
evening, Ignorant Man drove in his 1982 Ford Escort
from street to street, searching for a an open bar.
One that might sell him a Molson beer. 

You are supposed to drink a Molson upon arriving in
Canada, he thought to himself. 

But he saw no open bars before him. 

Curious, he checked his rearview mirror. No bars
either, but he noted that a man on a motorcycle
followed him. And, he recalled, this man had been
following him for some time. 

Very curious, thought Ignorant Man, and nodded to
himself. Idly, he scratched his belly. 

He turned right, onto a residential street. The
motorcycle followed. The man's helmet, he noted,
covered his whole head. His leathers were black and
red. 

He took his car on a left turn, and checked the mirror
the instant his turn was complete. 

The motorcycle...and the man...followed. Ignorant Man
smiled. He bounced like a four-year-old in his seat.
He parked the car by the curb and checked to be sure
his cape was secure, and then got out of the
car...quickly and dramatically, with a swish of his
cape, which then fell to the pavement in a heap. Tying
it back on in a more secure fashion, Ignorant Man
turned to face the man on the motorcycle, who had
parked a good two car lengths behind him and was
striding purposefully toward him. The man removed his
helmet.

Ignorant Man tilted his head to the side, quizzically.


The man's face was clearly green and decidedly scaly.
His nose was elongated -- more of a snout really --
and trailed wisps of smoke. His eyes were a deep,
beyond-bloodshot red. 

"You're Dragon Bob," Ignorant Man said, unnecessarily.


The man, Dragon Bob, nodded.

"You're supposed to be in Montreal." 

Dragon Bob nodded again. Ignorant Man had now
exhausted his knowledge of this situation.

"Why did you want me here? Why did you send Billy Joe
Bob-san after me?"

"You forget the most crucial question," Dragon Bob
said in a deep, throaty hiss. 

"Ahh...How much cash do you need?"

"Exactly."

Ignorant Man was puzzled.

"I need $100,000. In cash. By tomorrow night."

"I don't have $100,000 in cash. Nor can I get that
money by tomorrow night."

"That is unfortunate."

"Why?"

"Why?" asked Dragon Bob.

"Yes...why?"

"Because," said Dragon Bob, leaning closer, his voice
almost a whisper, "if you do not, I will lay waste to
this entire town and everyone in it. He took a deep
breath, turned toward Ignorant Man's 1982 Ford Escort
and breathed a blast of fire across the car. Ignorant
Man could see the vinyl seats melting just before the
engine exploded, popping off the hood and sending it
clattering just behind him on the sidewalk. 

Ignorant Man remained calm. 

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I can!" shouted Dragon Bob. "I am born of
human woman and the last living dragon! I command fire
and rule men's minds! I fly on reptile wings and rend
with fang and claw! I am power!" And Dragon Bob ripped
off his leather jacket and unfurled a pair of great,
green, scaly wings. And he looked to the sky and
roared, jets of fire spurting out of his mouth. 

"Yes, okay," said Ignorant Man. "But...why?"

"Questions! I was warned about your questions. Your
questions never have answers, do they? I...I have
answers!"

"Oh, good!" Ignorant Man said. 

"First," Dragon Bob began to tick off reasons on his
scaly claws. "I am going to build a secret sanctuary,
in the wilderness. Then, through means both scientific
and...er... traditional...I will create an army of
beings like myself. More advanced, more powerful than
mere humans. Next, the army of my children will fan
out across North America. They will take jobs from
humans, they will gain seats in city councils, work
their way up the political hierarchy and, perhaps
winning a governorship or two, and the odd
congressional seat until, inexorably, over time, we
will take over the United States...and later, the
world!"

"Hmm, yes, okay...but why?"

"Why? Why what?"

"Why take over the world?"

"Why not?"

"Yes, but why?"

"The world needs taking over. It's a mess. It's
chaotic. We shall rule with an iron fist, under the
appropriate constitutional guidelines, of course.
There will be order. There will be sanity."

Ignorant Man nodded. Unknowingly. "I see that yes, but
I have another question."

"Yes?"

"Why?" and Ignorant Man's power was such that Dragon
Bob was compelled to answer.

"Well...you know, that is a good question." Dragon Bob
began to pace across the sidewalk, back and forth,
venturing now and again into the street. "It does seem
like an awful lot of trouble, doesn't it? And it will
take quite awhile. My children will seem quite
freakish at first, and so our campaigns will require a
great deal of cash. Which means we'll be fund raising
all the time. I hate all that glad-handing and
small-talk...that 'hi-howya-doin' and the speeches and
the chicken dinners. And the taxes! You take over the
world and they'll get you, won't they? Dang-it, they
will!"

Foundering in the depths of despair, Dragon Bob stood
in the middle of the street and roared, and as jets of
fire lit up the night sky over Fort Frances, a horn
blared and an engine rumbled, overpowering the
dragon's roar. 

* * *

"Eugene, did you see that?"

"Nah, George. I was sleeping. What was it, eh?"

"Funny looking guy in the street. All on fire. Looked
like something out of a circus."

"No kiddin', eh?"

"I think we hit it. Should I stop, then?"

"Nah."

"Oh good."

"I did hear a bit of a bump though, eh?"

"You know, just because we're in Canada, doesn't mean
you have to say 'eh' after every sentence..."

"Eh?"

The semi truck and trailer roared on toward the
Minnesota border.

* * *

A bruised and battered Dragon Bob dragged himself onto
the sidewalk. 

"What are you going to do now?" Ignorant Man asked. 

"I don't know," Dragon Bob said. "Maybe open up a
little gift shop. Or a B&B. 'Dragon Bob's Inn' -- I
like the sound of that."

Ignorant Man opened his mouth to ask a question,
thought better of it, and wrote Dragon Bob a check for
$5,000. "Good luck," he said. 

Dragon Bob smiled his dragon smile. It looked evil
without even trying. "Why, with this I could create a
labora-...Thank you, Ignorant Man."

"No, thank you."

Dragon Bob whistled, and a furry, stripled creature
with sharp claws and teeth ambled down the street. It
stopped next to Ignorant Man, hissed and jabbed a bite
at Ignorant Man's booth, sinking its teeth into the
thick leather. Frustrated, it shook its head, and let
go. Ignorant Man stuck out his tongue at it, and
leaned closer...then stopped. 

"Is this a badger?" he asked.

"Why yes."

"Thank you." Ignorant Man watched the badger and
Dragon Bob walk off into the sunrise. 

He sat down by his still burning car.

"I wonder how I'll get home," he said aloud, but like
so many of his questions, it was left unanswered.

# # #

SO, HE DIDN'T LICK THE BADGER...OR GO TO MONTREAL. 

DOES THE AUTHOR EVEN READ HIS STORIES FROM ONE EPISODE
TO THE NEXT?

WILL HE EVER GET BACK TO WORK?

OH, AND I LIKE ERIC BURN'S IGNORANT MAN A LOT.

THAT'S ALL FOR NOW... HOPE YOU LIKED IT...

----------------------------------------------
Copyright Ken Kadet 2005

More goofy stuff at
http://mychronicimpendingdisaster.blogspot.com 




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