LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #283: Electrocutioner's Song The Conclusion

[Drew Nilium]

On 4/23/23 5:27 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> First Off we have Ultimate Ninja #3 by Raymond "wReam" Bingham
> (Part Eleven)!  Is it time for wReam to finally be edited by
> Dvandom?!

GASP

> And is the
> Keyboard indeed mightier than the sword?!!  (I mean wouldn't want to
> fight some guy who had sword with a keyboard -- but that's just me.)

I guess it depends on if it's one of those edgy gamer keyboards. You could put 
an eye out with those.

> ************************************************************************
> *                    *     in the NonSense Fyles!                      *
> *                    *                                                 *
> *   KID      /       *  Ahhhh. Kid Anarky... You must think you have   *
> *      ____/ |_      *  something to do with this story, BUT YOU DON'T!*
> *     /  /   | \     *  You're .sig looked like a trading card and     *
> * ___|_/_____|__|___ *  since the comic was behind schedule you get the*
> *    /       |  |    *  Honor of being in this one!  Feel the honor    *
> *  /  \______|_/     *  and grovel at the gates of serendipity...      *
> */           |NARKY! *          (LNH 1992 (c) (well sortof))           *
> ************************************************************************

XD I mean fair!

> Due to the lack of character development in this series, and the incredible
> gaps in continuity from the different writers, this writer has chosen to take
> the next 100 pages and develop each character.

Honestly I feel like there's been a lot of good character development. X>

>       'Reb has been keeping something from me,' She thought sullenly.  'I don't
> know how long I can continue this LNH life if I can't even trust my closest
> friend.'

Yes valid. @-@

>       "Have you been crying?  Is there something wrong?"  Rebel Yell asked.
>       'Of course I have you big dope!  And gee, like you wouldn't be able to
> guess that there was something wrong!  You idiot!  Its you!' Lurking Girl
> thought in her head but only responded with, "Oh, I was a bit overwhelmed by
> the scenery."
>       "It is quite amazing.  Almost looks like a painting!"  'You dope!  That
> is because this is a comic book!  Of course it looks like a painting!' Rebel
> Yell mentally kicked himself.  Something else was wrong but whenever he got
> around Luri he would freeze up and all that came out was small talk.  "Well I
> just wondered, because you have been sort of distant lately."  Rebel Yell then
> retreated.  That was as close to his true feelings as he was going to get and
> he mentally flogged himself all the way down the hall to the transport quarters
> of the great troop transport flying thingy.

But this is really good. X>

> 
>       In another part of the ship Ultimate Ninja was flogging himself.  'Dumb,
> dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.  How could I be so dumb?'  The Z-team encounter had
> proven to the master of oriental mysticism that he was not as invulnerable as
> he had believed.  He had really botched that encounter.  'The Z-Team really
> aren't even bad dudes, a bit maverick and misguided but no more than I am,'
> Ultimate Ninja thought to himself.

It's fascinating how different wReam's characterization of UN is from a lot of 
later ones.

>       wReamed Acton Lord brooded at the past.  Something awfully weird was in
> the air.  Maybe it was the effects of Bambi's drugs.  Somthing bad is going to
> happen soon, he could just tell.  Gee, and Bambi seemed so real.  wRAL pouted
> sadly.  He could never get relationships to work out.
>       "Ummmm.  There is a big troop ship coming in close," Girl Next Door
> (tm) reported.
>       'Perhaps a relationship with her?  Nah, relationships never work out
> with the Girl Next Door (tm),' thought Acton Lord.  'I had best get ready for
> the assault.  Life stinks.  I hate this life.'

Wow, this is a really different Acton Lord too. X>

> "Tantalizing Teens #1."
>       List Lad was convinced that there never was a team called the
> Tantalizing Teens!  But here was conclusive proof.  Someone has been messing
> with the very fabric of reality!
>       'Either that or I am getting really senile.'

heeheehee. X> Ah, yes, I see.

>       The heroes and villains of LNH and NLF clash in a nice splash page.
> 
>       So begins the battle...  Did I develop enough or did you want more?

It was actually a very good job. |>

>       Occultism Kid and Typo Lad were the first to react to this menace.
> Occultism Kid did an animate shoes spell and PYLON's legs began to dance madly.

Heeheehee

>          Ultimate Ninja made his way through the warring heroes and around the
> villains.  His battle was not with these misguided fools, his was with Acton
> Lord and he was not going to waste time wearing himself out on this rabble.

Guy thinks he's the main character ersumthin...

>       "There!  Now that I have caused them to LAG why don't you all pick them
> off!"  LAGNETO strained.  "Hurry you idiots!  I can't save you all the time!"
>       All of a sudden Lagneto's eyes went pale.  Lurking Girl towered over
> him as he dropped to the ground squirming in pain as he moved in and out of
> disentegration phase.  "Taste the totality of my Lurking Ability in your
> brain!"

lol

>       From the shredded mess came a voice, "I'm not dead!  RUSH_FANs NEVER
> DIE..."
>       The entire group moaned in agreement.  There is nothing more heinous
> than a Rush fan.

I mean, I like them okay? But considering their connections to libertarianism, 
I'm sure they have some *really* annoying fans.

>       "Oh Reb!  Come here."  Said a weird looking Typo Lad.  Needless to say
> Mistake was taken out quickly.  Firstly because only Lurking Girl calls Rebel
> Yell 'Reb' and second because it was spelled correctly...

X>; Ah, ignoble beginnings...

>       wReamed Acton Lord turned to see Ultimate Ninja and then smiled.  "So
> this is it then?  The duel to the death, or have you come to remove another of
> my nonvital organs?"
>       Ultimate Ninja leveled the Ginsu death blade in front of him and
> prepared his stance.  I will not let him excite me into doing something stupid,
> Ultimate Ninja recited in his brain over and over...

*Very* interesting.

> +====================+    +================================+
> H\\\\\||||||||||/////H    H  The Sword of Sig in the       H
> H\\\||||  /\  ||||///H    H        Nonsense File           H
> H\\\\\\\  ||  ///////H    H    If I were to tell of this   H
> H-\\\\\   ||   /////-H    H    wondrous item now, I would  H
> H--\\\    ||    ///--H    H    be giving away too much of  H
> H---\     ||     /---H    H    the heavily-laboured plot,  H
> H----     ||     ----H    H    so I'll just shut up for    H
> H---/     ||     \---H    H    the nonce.                  H
> H--///  \_II_/  \\\--H    +================================+
> H-/////   ()   \\\\\-H
> H///||||  ()  ||||\\\H
> H/////||||||||||\\\\\H
> +====================+

X>

>       In the bowels of the Acton Manor in the Grey Area of the Moon, the
> Watchdog observed silently and invisibly as Mr. Minister labored under the
> weight of his incapacitated brother.  Pain shot through his body with every
> step, but if he could only reach the CHAMBER, he could initiate Operation
> Triple Crown and summon the Four Jockeys of the Apocalypse to serve him.

ooooooh ahhhhh. :o I see.

>       "Y'know, this was easy," remarked Cliche Dude.  "TOO ea<mphlrhghu!>"
>       "DON'T SAY IT!" shouted Rebel Yell as he muffled Cliche Dude.

X3

> But it was
> too late.  Already robot guardians were pouring out of hidden panels in the
> well-groomed lawns.  And while the LNH had to be very careful not to damage to
> dome that sustained the atmosphere, the robots had no such compunction....

Welp

>       "That's why I brought THIS!"  Contraption Man held up a little widget.
> "Before you ask, this is the Sig.Library of Sig.File Man (he called himself Man
> later in life) from our archives, encoded onto an RNA matrix.  It should do the
> trick.  Or...."
>       "OR WHAT?" asked everyone in unison, dreading the answer.
>       "...or kill him by sig.overdose.  But it is the only way.  Do we do it?"

GASP!

>       Organic Lass was the first to speak.  "Go for it.  Don't let the fact that
> I'm named in his life insurance policy make you think I'm biased or anything."

Heeheehee

>       In COMA, Electrocutioner (nee Entertainment) was getting bored with MUD
> wrestling.  After toying with the idea of MUCK or MOO wrestling, he grew
> despondent.

X3

>       And thus it went, until eventually the X-Ove...er, Guest Star Squadron
> left COMA for new adventures.  Coming soon to every comic near you, as every
> comicbook team near you.

Heeheehee

>       The computer room was a mess.  Ninja Bush protruding from consoles, chairs
> cut in half and their nylon stuffing floating gently in the air, parts of wall
> corrupted into twisted mockeries of the concept 'wall', and so on.

Ooooooh, lovely scene-setting.

>       As we go down the hallway, we see the destruction and radically revamped
> decor continues.  And down some stairs.  And down another hall.  And finally we
> reach wRAL and Ultimate Ninja, pausing briefly in their battle.

X3

>       "You forget, I am also a master of all the quasi-mystic pseudo-oriental
> arts of the Ninja!  That is a Tao, symbol of balance.  By taking on an Absolute
> quality, you offended the Balance."
>       Acton Lord blasted at the disc, but barely slowed it.
>       "The Balance WILL be restored.  You shall be united with your opposite.
> Absolute power over Absolute NOTHING!"
>       "NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo..........." screamed Acton Lord as the
> disc touched him, and he shrank to a singularity.
>       "Absolute power, teeny little living space," muttered Ultimate Ninja.

Heeheeheehee. X>

>       "I'd like to know myself what I'm doing.  I think this must be a delusion
> brought on by my unstable condition."
>       "All of life is a delusion.  Just some of it better written.

This is Dave really starting to come into his own. :D

>       "You must change, and control that change, Sig.Lad.  If this is but a
> dream, you should be able to do it," urged the boy.
>       Sig.Lad grimaced, and willed the holes in his hand to close.  Then he
> grasped the sword again.  It coiled and tried to crush his hand, but merely
> flowed though and was grasped again.  Sig.Lad pulled the Sword out an inch.
> The pommel became flame, but Sig.Lad did not burn.  Another inch.  It became a
> viper and bit him, but he abosrbed the poison and passed it harmlessly.
> Another inch.  It became a data stream, but his hand became a cyberjack and
> took the input.  Another inch.  AND OUT!

:D :D :D

>       Sig.Lad held the Sword up.  "I can feel it in my mind!  This is not the
> Sword of Change, it is the Sword of Sig!  And I'm cured!  I don't know how this
> is really happening, but I'm really here!  And I'm CURED!"

Yesssssss.

>       "No, he disposed of himself.  I tricked him into believing I had the power
> to destroy him, and he destroyed himself.

Ohohoho.

>       "Give up, Sig.Lad!  You know I will win in the end!  I am your future!
> Already a part of you has succumbed to the inevitable and become me [see Sound
> of Clashing Metal #4 - Editor Boy]!  This plot device is preordained!  You
> cannot fight the canon!"
>       "There *IS* no inevitability!  The future is ours to create!  There is no
> canon, only the mosaic of possibilities!  Plot King may beat me into the ground
> for this later, but life is not laid out in a neat plot!  There are often no
> distinct beginnings, middles or ends to the story, and rarely do we see all the
> elements."

Yesssssss. :D Infinite stories!

>       "How can you defeat that which you cannot even face?  The source of my
> existence is in the Real World, and you are confined to the net.worlds!  What
> can you possibly do?"  Acton Lord grinned evilly, meaning to enjoy the
> suffering Sig.Lad was going through.
>       Sig.Lad held the Sword of Sig aloft, then brought it down to point at
> Acton Lord.  "We can WRITE.  If the pen is mightier than the sword, the
> keyboard is mightier still!  Humor and satire have always been powerful weapons
> against tyranny.  All of us in the Legion of Net.Heroes are warriors in this
> fight.  By our satire, by criticizing the industry in our stories, we take a
> stand against the evils we percieve.  Even our enemies in the net.worlds are
> devoted to this cause.  Whether you light a candle or curse the darkness, you
> have defied the dark!"

YES. :D :D :D Gosh. This was always so inspiring to me.

>       Sig.Lad
>       TWISTS
>       the blade and Acton Lord
>       gasps
>       and closes his eyes in pain.
>       Sword is withdrawn
>            Blood gouts
>                 Going into shock
>                      Falls to the ground
>                           Gasps, "You have only won a symbolic victory...
>                                I *will* return...HAHAHAHAcckkkkk!!!!"
>                                     Dies.
>       "But that is the best kind of victory against a symbolic foe," says
> Sig.Lad softly as the dome ripples out of existence.

*vociferous applause!*

>       Slow pan back to show the torn field of battle, villains lying dead or
> unconscious and heroes weary and battered, and Sig.Lad in the center of a large
> open space, looking to the sky.
>       Sig.Lad holds his Sword of Sig to the sky and shouts,  "Keep the Dream
> alive!  LONG LIVE THE LEGION!!!!"
> 
>        The Song is over, but the singing shall coninue....

WOOOOOO :D

Drew "heck of a climax" Nilium