LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #282: Electrocutioner's Song Part Five

[Drew Nilium]

On 4/16/23 5:16 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
> once again.

Hell yeah more let's go!!!

> +---------------------------+   +--------------------------+
> |                           |   | In the Non-Sense File    |
> |                           |   | You think that you will  |
> |                           |   | get a neat holographic/  |
> |                           |   | colorized/collectible    |
> |                           |   | card. You are wrong. So  |
> |                           |   | sue us.(LNH @ 1992)      |
> +---------------------------+   +--------------------------+

The anti-card!! >:o

> "Mr. Minister Builds His Dream Plot"

X3 That's a deep cut

>       Coach, missing member of the Z-Team, rips off, along with Manga Man's
> left hand, his Posting Encroachment bracelet, which allows him to invade
> Alt.Comics.Lnh, every month or so from Rec.Arts.Manga.  Manga Man fades away
> in front of Plot King's eyes, while Coach licks his paws.

Sure, that can be how it works! :D

>       "I know who you are," says Plot King, walking over to pet Coach.  "I
> know that your team is not villianous, as the rest of the LNH thinks it is.
> I watched all of the episodes of your TV show, so I know better."
>       "MEOW."
>       "I know that.

X3 Sure!

>       "I can't believe they caught us like that.  I wonder how they did it?"
> asks Trump.
>       "They must have confused us, since we were all acting out of character.
> Most likely, it was bad writing.

It takes some balls to say "these characters are written as badasses who beat 
everybody with no sweat, so if they're on the back foot, that's bad writing".

> Don't worry, though, we always bounce back,
> like a superball," says Vince.
>       "You mean out of control and dangerous?" asks Mr. World.
>       "You bet."

That's a good line tho

>       "I refuse to believe you will do this to us.  Anyways, no one ever
> is captured forever.  Hell, even PP's parents have return from..." says
> Marvel_Zombie Lad, while being interrupted by the Ultimate Ninja.

Oh, yeah, the period of time when Spider-Man's parents got resurrected for a bit 
and then they were duplicates or something. The 90s.

> And
> finally, on our special edition of Jeopardy, we have an old enemy of the
> LNH hiding under a disguise that has fooled everyone, here is...."
>       A drum roll is heard, as the mask of the Electrocutioner falls apart
> and slumps in heaps on the floor.
>       "Dyslexia!!!"

So many twists. X>

>       As 3 of the MZL clones start to grab Parking Karma Kid and toss him
> into one of the LNH washing machines, California Kid uses his surf board and
> beats one over the head and into the machine.  Quickly, Parking Karma Kid
> puts some detergent in, closes the lid, and turns the machine on to Whites.
> He turns around and sees the other 2 MZL take the surf board and break it on
> California Kid's head.  Instantly, PK Kid pulls one of the clones into the
> dryer, and turns it onto Permanent Press.  Unfortunately, PK Kid does not see
> the other MZL try to use the broken surf board like the "silver surfer" and
> try to fly into him.  The collision sends them reeling into the wall, knocking
> both out.

This is some good Silly Action, kind of Jackie Chan-esque

> Seeing Nit-Pick Lad defeating a clone by pointing
> out the slight color difference with the original, RY cries, "NP Lad, can
> you help out C-S Boy?  He might be used to wipe one of the MZL's noses."
>       As the Plot King (carrying the body of Sig.Lad) and Coach walk into
> the battle, they see Occultism Kid change some offending MZL's into members
> of the Jackson 5.
>       "A.B.C. It's easy as 1,2,3."

So many initialisms. X>

>       "Who is Spiro Agnew!?" shouts the Ultimate Ninja as he hits the
> buzzer first.
>       "Incorrect." says the PR, as the UN receives another shock to his
> system.

ghehehehe

>       Surprising everyone, including the Plot Retainer, black smoke
> creeps up from nowhere, and heads directly for MZL.
>       "Finally.  I've been waiting to be resurrected just like that 'Warlock'
> guy, and I'll be getting my own series to boot.  See ya all in my new
> DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDUMDUMDUMDUMDUMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM
> book."

...I'm going to assume that this is some 90s reference I'm not deep enough down 
that rabbit hole to get. X>

>       "Impressed??  I hope not.  I'll tell you a little something about
> each of them.  I call them the Netter Liberation Front.  The members
> consist of LAGNETO: Master of Net-Lag, RUSH_FAN: able to take up lots posting
> room with dribble about Rush, MISTAKE: able to kinda look like somebody, but
> it is easy to detect, PYLON: token big man, and this is... Wait a sec. Who
> are you???"
>       "I'm the Girl Next Door(tm)."
>       "But what happened to IceHot?"
>       "Well, she went on vacation, and this position was open in the
> Criminal Placement Service, so I took it."

X3 I love how casual all this stuff is.

>       "Correct."
>       "Star Wars Trivia for $1000."
>       "The name of ChewBacca's son from the Star Wars Holiday Special
> from 1978."
>       Trying to hold his composure,  the UN is able to answer first
> again, "Who is Wumpy?" fearing that he again will have an incorrect answer.
>       "Correct."  Everyone in the room was surprised as the UN had his
> first correct answer.

*tactfully doesn't point out that it was actually Lumpy*

> "And now for the final question in this round. Your
> favorite color."
>       With his lightning reflexes, the UN hits the buzzer, and answers,
> "What is blue?  NO!!  I mean red!!!!!"
>       "Incorrect"
>       "What is black?" answers Z as he watches the UN get another
> taste of electric pain.
>       "Correct.

Oh, come on, that's a bit much. X>

>       Skulking around the LNHQ, the remaining members of the Z-Team,
> armed with used-paper airplanes, 5 day-old gumdrops, lint from a dryer and
> a hammer made out of empty cans and a broken plunger, encounter an MZL feeding
> a tied up Cheese-Cake Eater Lad a 5 pound jar of Baby Food, Beet flavor.

This is some amazing nonsense. X3

>       The Z-Team leap into the fray, hoping that their kill ratio per
> bullet will be the best ever.

These guys. X>

>       "The final question is....."
>       A familiar ding is rung.
>       "The Person who manipulated the Z-team into fighting the LNH without
> paying for it."
>       Shocked by this, and not by the prodder, Z looked up at the Plot
> Retainer, and quickly started to write his answer.

X3 That's wonderful. A good way of using comedy for plot progression.

>       "Time's up.  Let's see how you have answered.  We will start with
> the Ultimate Ninja who scored a record low $-20,000, but was allowed to
> play.  Your answer is......"
>       On a screen placed over the UN's head, it reads : WHO IS ACTON
> LORD?
>       "You are correct,

GASP!

> but since you were under $0, you will have
> $1.

GASP!!!

> Let's see what Multipl-X said.  His screen reads : WHO IS THE
> CROSSOVER QUEEN?
>       Multipl-X had bet all of his money, and starts to break down
> and cry.

Heeheehee

>       "Ninjas never work with anyone," the UN replies.
>       "You work with the LNH.  In fact, you co-lead them."

Man's got a point - indeed, nobody knows at this point how relevant that's going 
to be.

>       Table and Chair, who were released to help fight off the clones, try to
> set up the gene scrambler/random teleporter to eliminate the clones.
>       "Set it up for an area effect, sugarlips."
>       "I have it all set TableTop."

I love how over-the-top they are with this.

>       "What happened to them?" asks Rebel Yell.
>       "I sent them all to Alt.sadistic.dentists.drill.drill.drill."
>       "Sounds painful.  I hope it hurts," says the Incredible Man With No
> Life.

I'm not adding that one to the wiki unless it gets mentioned again. X>

>       "We have to work together.  We've all been duped.  Z and I have
> formed an alliance to take care of Acton Lord."
>       "What about Mr. Minister?" questions Pompous Lad.
>       "WHO????"
>       Dramatic music, along with a laser light show and bright orange
> smoke fill the hall.  After a minute or so, the smoke clears, and a
> metallic figure in a preacher's outfit stands next to the LNH's main
> computer frame.
>       "Hold them, Squiggy."
>       A new voice from the computer answers, "Check!"
>       Electromagnetic waves from the amp system are fired upon the heroes,
> forcing them down to the ground.

Okay, I'll accept this jobbing of the heroes, it works.

>       "Z, I have got, ARGH, an idea, ARGH!" Mr. World screams in pain.
>       "What?"
>       "HEY TUNES, INFIDEL!!!!!!!!!"
>       "You know you aren't supposed to say...."
>       Z is interrupted by Tunes's battle cry.  Fighting the onslaught
> of noise, Tunes runs straight at Mr. Minister with both of Z's guns
> blazing, yelling, "DIE!!!DIE!!!DIE!!!DIE!!!DIE!!!DIE!!!"
>       Being no more than annoyed by the bouncing bullets, Mr. Minister changes
> his focus and lets loose a destructo ray at Tunes.  Not caring what happens
> to himself, Tunes runs into the ray, screaming in pain, and fades away.

And it's really interesting that their attempt at getting out of it not only 
doesn't work but kills one of their own.

>       "All I need is my favorite sibling, and then, finally, we will
> be a home.  Oh, and all I have to say to you all is this:
> THE BOOK IS CANCELLED, AND NOW, SO ARE YOU."

Hey, that's a Retcon Hour thing! Wait your turn!

>       "Holey Bringing Down The House, Captain Clean-Up.  The LNHQ has
> been destroyed."
>       "Yes, I know Squeaky Clean, my side-kick.  I just wish that I could
> enter a story for other reasons than cleaning up after everyone else."
>       "Look.  I think I see some of the LNH."
>       Captain Clean-Up and Squeaky Clean run thru the rubble, finding some
> bodies.
>       "Are they dead, Captain??"
>       "Let's see..."

But this should have really had the cliffhanger at the LNHQ collapsing. X>

> +--------------------+     +-------------------------+
> |                    |     | The E-Song Writers in   |
> | +--------+         |     |  the Non-Sence File     |
> | |\        \        |     |                         |
> | | \        \       |     |   Foolish people. You   |
> | |  +--------+      |     |play with lives that are |
> | |  |+------+|      |     |not your own.  Who are   |
> | |  ||Jef   ||      |     |you to put your self-con |
> | |  ||Scav  ||      |     |gratulatory, fan-boyish, |
> | |  ||wReam ||      |     |writer-wannabee ramblings|
> | +  ||Dave  ||      |     |where honest people have |
> | @\ |+------+|      |     |to read them!  Why don't |
> | @ \+--------+      |     |you scurry on back to    |
> | @                  |     |your little hole in the  |
> |  @ +-------+@@     |     |ground so that the good  |
> |   @|\* * * *\ @    |     |folks don't have to look |
> |    \ \* * * *\ @   |     |at you.  What do you are |
> |     \ +-------++-+ |     |thinking? That this is a |
> |      \+-------+|*| |     |fun place?  Hah-hah-hah!!|
> |                +-+ |     |                         |
> |                    |     |      (C) LNH 1992       |
> +--------------------+     +-------------------------+

...wow, was this just playing around or a response to someone being a dick? X3

>       The FAN.DOM OF THE ALT.RA threw a bowl of popcorn at DAMN YANKEE.  "FOOL!!
> I COLLECT TO HAVE, not for monetary reasons!!!  If the Legion is destroyed,
> there will BE NO MORE MERCHANDISE, well except for cheesy nostalgia stuff, but
> that is all junk!  LET'S GET THIS STORY BACK ON LINE!!!!"

There's a lot of high-quality nostalgia stuff nowadays, to be fair.

>       "What happened?" asked ORGANIC LASS.
>       DOCTOR STOMPER spoke up, "Obviously, the forces of nature that surround
> not only the base but our very lives converged at a critical convergengence
> point, causing a refraction in causal destructive forces operating at the time.
> This, of course, instantaneously reversed the Aeon Flux of chaos particles,
> thereby rendering the base whole again."
>       "Obviously," said SARCASTIC LAD, quite sarcasticly.
>       "In English, if you don't mind, Doc?" asked OBSCURE TRIVIA LAD.
>       "I have no idea."

Heheehee

>       LIST LAD sighed.  "He's not `evil now', he's always been evil.  There
> never was a Sidekick Man."
>       "But what about the Tantalizing Teens?" asked Sig.File.
>       "Sig.File, you fool!  There were no Tantalizing Teens!  You've been
> brainwashed or something!"

I'm not sure what conclusion Jef's own stories came to about this, but in my 
canon the Tantalizing Teens were definitely real.

>       "SIDEWINDER WAS ACTUALLY THE GOLDEN AGE ACTON LORD!" said PLOT KING.
>       "Jeez!  Is anybody not an evil dupe these days?" commented KID FROTHING-
> AT-THE-MOUTH.

Heeheehee

>       In the Monitoring Room, MULTI-TASKING MAN, who had just put Table and
> Chair into Alt.Romance to keep them out of the way (M-TM isn't heartless, ya
> know),

^.^ I love that they're so shmoopy for each other. I gotta use that when I bring 
them back.

>       "Why, you're dying, didn't you know?  Hmm, I guess not.  Well you are, and
> if you don't get help soon, you'll be dead (the natural outcome of dying).

X3

>       "Of course.  You're going to have to go back to the future.  Yep, that's
> it.  Go back to the future and your illness will vanish and the Ultimate Lag
> will wear off."
>       "But if I go back, I'll no longer be in the LNH, and you will all could be
> destroyed by some traitor or something."
>       "That's a risk we'll have to take.  There is no way that we can let you
> sacrifice your life for us.  So, off you go.  And remember, you can't come
> back, no matter what.  And tell your friends that it would be just as bad if
> they came back.  We will miss you and honor your memory.  Bye!" and M-TM
> pressed a button on his console.
>       "But...."  Contraption Man and Ms. Multitask vanished into the
> timestream.
>       "Whew, finally got rid of all those damn future travelers.  Now back to
> work."

XD XD XD Amazing

>       "FOOL!  NOONE CAN LEAVE HERE UNLESS I WILL IT!  I AM A GREAT AND POWERFUL
> BEING, NOT SOME SHMUCK WITH A BUG ZAPPER! 

heeheehee

> I AM A MEMBER OF A GROUP OF ENTITIES
> KNOWN AS THE _FINISHLESS_.  WE WERE BEFORE THE BEGINNING AND WILL BE AFTER THE
> END!  ONCE I WAS KNOWN AS _ENTERTAINMENT_, BUT THAT WAS MANY EONS AGO. >SIGH<
> BUT SOMETIMES I GET NOSTALIGIC AND REVERT TO MY OLD WAYS....AHH, THOSE WERE THE
> DAYS.  MY SISTER, _DYSLEXIA_, CONSENTED TO HELP IN MY FUN."
>       "But if you were "Entertainment" and are now the "Electrocutioner", two
> names that start with an "e", why does hers start with a "d"?" asked a charred
> X-Over Man.
>       "WELL, SIS NEVER COULD SPELL"

Heeheehee :D I like that this is how the Sandman parody stuff gets dropped, all 
casual

>       The Ultimate Ninja was not happy.  Usually, he just had to pose and act
> ninja- like.  Rebel Yell or CONTINUITY CHAMP had always been around to do the
> actual leading.  But CC was stuck in that Continuity Caper thing and Rebel Yell
> had been kidnapped.  Now everybody was turning to him.

Get used to it, bucko

>       In an alley across the street from the HQ, the destroyed body of Sidekick
> Man rusted.  The evil robot lay forgotten by the net.heroes.

Hmmmmmmm...

>       In the Medlab, SIG.LAD bubbled unstably.

X3

>       And finaly, on board MR. MINISTER's satellite, on the prisoner level, down
> a hallway, in a cell, were the imprisoned Rebel Yell and LURKING GIRL.
>       "I don't belive this!  I've been kidnapped again!!!"

XD

>       Lurking Girl lept at Mr. Minister, reaching for his throat.  "Minister,
> you scum!"
>       She bounced off a force field.  "Tut, tut.  That is no way for a
> '''"mother"''' to treat her '''''''"child"''''''.

Man's going crazy on the quotes

>       Lurking Girl looked up, "What, were we bad parents?  Did we abandon you to
> a cold, uncaring techno-future after you had been infected by a computer-like
> virus by some immortal madman?"
>       "No!!  Nothing as benign as that!!!!  You would not let me live in the
> castle at Dis.net World!!!  No matter how much I pleaded, you forced me to
> leave!!!"

X3

> "What
> about him?" Yell said, pointing to Sufferyng.
>       "You always loved him best!!!  You gave him a complete set of Net.Man toys
> and left me with junk!!"
>       "Th-ats n-n-not tr-ue," began the barely concious Sufferyng, "Y-you ju-st
> des-troy-ed all of your t-toys and Mom and Dad would-n't g-get you an-ymore
> 'til you learned t-to t-take care of 'em"
>       "SHUT UP, YOU!!!" Minister zapped Sufferyng with a force blast, sending
> him back into unconciousness.

You know, I think you might have actually been bad parents

>       "ME!!! VILE CUR!!! YOU SHALL SUFFER THE WRATH OF PLOT KING!!!!"
>       The storyline sentinel engaged the bewildered Mr. Minister in combat,
> while List Lad ran into the cell and freed the captive heroes.
>       "Let's go.  I, List Lad, have brought a ship to shuttle us home."
>       The three net.heroes ran to the ship and boarded it.  Lurking Girl was
> very confused.  "How'd they get here? I thought only genetic..."
>       Yell interupted, "List Lad and Plot King are alt.versions of me.  They
> have my genetic pattern.  They knew where we were the same way I knew who
> Sufferyng was.  We can share thoughts."

I should definitely use alt.telepathy in something.

>       "Then how come you didn't know about SideKick Man when I told you about
> the search for him?"
>       "It's not a constant sharing of information, only when it's necessary.
> Besides, between you and me, I rarely tap into List Lad's thoughts.  They're
> really boring.

X3

>       You know that scene in STAR WARS, where the Death Star blows up, and
> Luke's X-Wing and the Millenium Falcon swoop out of the explosion?  Well,
> picture that but replace the X-Wing with Plot King and the Falcon with List
> Lad's shuttle, and you get the idea.

XD

>       wRAL and the NETTER LIBERATION FRONT stood in a defensive perimeter around
> Acton Lord's estate.  PCAL was plotting in his library, while in the basement,
> the real SideWinder lay unconcious.

Must get all the pieces in place before the big finale!!

Drew "next: the big finale!!" Nilium