LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #302: Vertical Plain #3
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Sep 24 14:13:40 PDT 2023
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
And here's where you can find The Vertical Plain Mini:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Miniseries/Vertical.Plain/
And another Integrity Questers Miniseries!
And it's the Vertical Plain #3 by Stephane "Kid Anarky" Savoie! And it's
time for all the Net.Patrollers to finally bid adieu to Lost Cause Boy --
and does that mean Bad Timing Boy will finally be able to use the bathroom?!
Will Kid Anarky have time to threaten a cabbie before he gets to the funeral?!
And why isn't Kid Anarky in jail for leaving the court during his trial?!!
Find out in...
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #302
=====================
Vertical Plain #3
=====================
From: 003695s at dragon.acadiau.ca (Stephane Savoie)
Subject: LNH: Vertical Plain #3 - Ascent to Nothing
Yup, here it is. My most ambitious (and recent) endeavor....
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Vertical Plain - Ascent to Nothing<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
'Funeral for a Pal'
All in Prestige Format, FYI.
{COVER: Black background, with rain. Kid Anarky, Pliable Lad, and
Panta standing in front of the a marker on the ground marked 'Lost Cause
Boy '. Kid Anarky is tossing an issue of Lost Cause Boy Special
#2 (pre-bagged with action figure) onto the marker, while Pliable
Lad comforts Panta who is crying over his shoulder. PL's arm is shaped like an
umbrella, and he is holding it over Panta furry figure. In the background we
see Curly (a Supreme clone in a red costume and a shaved head, with the
intelligence of a nail), and Ultra-Dude (a Superman clone in a yellow
costume and the heroism and courage of a nervous chipmunk on speed) both
crying on each others' shoulder, a puddle of tears at their feet. }
'Ahem. Good afternoon. As most of you should know, I'm Kid Anarky.
I'm happy to say I knew Lost Cause Boy quite well. Not only were we both
Legionnaires, and even Net.Patrollers, Lost Cause Boy was a friend. Even
almost a brother to me. We fought side-by-side against many villians,
Peter-Out-Son and Graves to name a few.'
'Actually, though few of you may know this, Lost Cause Boy was the
person I met when I arrived to this plane of existence. I was somewhat
naive in my knowledge of the ways of this world, but Causie, as he liked to be
called, was always there for me helping out. I still remember those
simpler days fondly, before we had officially joined the Legion. The both
of us, soon joined by Panta, searching for a story.'
'We stayed together through thick and thin, and when Graves the Killer
Butler (tm) proved his treachery, we fought together. And during the 'woody'
affair (*shudder*), we stuck together. I'm not ashamed to say I doubted
his valor then, as when he did some of those... things to Graves and
DeFacto. But, he proved his heroism to me as with you with time.'
'Yes, I look upon those days with nostalgia, those simple days where
finding a good story was all that mattered.'
'Ah, yes, simpler days. It all (*sniff*) kind of reminds me of home.
Home. Few have heard of my home, because few have asked. If fact I come a
dimension somewhat similar to this one.'
'Yes, those were the good-old-days. Earlier, all had been good and
simple. Good battled Evil, heroes fought villians, Light fought darkness,
and good always prevailed.'
'Yup, you knew what your place was. And you knew that villians going
to jail was just going to break out a few months, or days later. But it
didn't matter, 'cause we knew who were the good guys and who were to bad.'
Kid Anarky paused in his eulogy for a moment. A look of bliss passed over
his face for a second, then grew colder.
"But such was not to last. It started simply insignificantly enough,
with a minor hero, Muck-Thing, suddenly... changing.'
A pained looked look crossed over KA's face, as if it hurt him deeply
to remember this all.
'Soon, a change was getting noticable in many. And society itself. You
no longer knew who the villians and who the heroes were. There was almost
no black or white anymore, only an overpowering grey. Formerly chipper
heroes became darker, more violent. Other grew more philosophical, and all
they were involved in achieved almost mystical significance.'
'This was all preceded by a strange dizziness which every one on the
planet felt. This seems insignificant compared to the alien fleets which
had attempted to invade the planet, the dimensional warps which had
appeared, and others far more ridiculous and serious. Nevertheless I can't
help but shake the feeling it has some significance.' Kid Anarky furrowed
his brow as if in deep concentration for a moment, but then stopped to
continue.
'Anyway, I'm here now, and the past can't touch me anymore. There are
some holes in my memory, but my time here has been some of the best I've
ever had. And Panta, Pliable Lad, even though I've only known him for a
short time, and Lost Cause Boy,' KA paused for a moment, 'were an important
part of that. Even Curly is an important part of that I suppose.'
'Lost Cause Boy did not die in vain. He died standing up for what he
believed in... a lost cause. He died to protect us all from the
capitalistism and over-commercializing which plague our lives today. He died
stopping Defacto, and I cannot see anything nobler than that.'
'Thank you.'
'Well,' said KA as he turned to his audience, 'what did you think?'
He stepped over to Bad Timing Boy and ungagged him.
Kid Anarky had been standing in a small room rehersing his eulogy for
Lost Cause Boy's funeral to a few LNH members in a small room in LNHQ.
'Sorry to waste your time like this, but Panta's in class, and >diety<
only knows where Pliable Lad is, and Curly, well, is Curly. And you guys
were around.
'So? Opinions?'
'Can I go to the bathroom yet?' whined BTB.
'I promise I'll untie you once you tell me what you think. Oh, sorry
about the origin. I got a bit too nostagic and...'
'I kinda liked it actually.' said Bad Timing boy.
'Really?' said Kid Anarky, quizzically.
'Sure. It adds a certain... 'je ne sais quoi' to your oratory. I
think you should keep it in.' explained BTB.
'Hmmm... I'll keep that in mind tommorow. Well, thanks.' Kid
Anarky then untied BTB, who quickly ran off.
'How about you?' he said, as he turned to Super-Apathy Lad, who had
been sitting through the oratory in the chair next to BTB's.
Super Apathy Lad just snored.
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
The next day was a beautiful day, the kind of day that people all over
Net.ropolis woke up to and thought 'What a wonderful day.' and proceeded to
have a wonderful day, being nice to each other, and completely forgetting
the myriad problems caused by man which are pushing the earth into the
depths of hell.
A corporation, one of the few uncorrupted ones in the industry, gave
everyone a day off to spend with their families, which they did joyously,
happy to be employed to such benevolent human being. The lack of work
accomplished that day would a few years later screw the company over in tax
returns, bankrupting the company and causing all the former employee to
sell their children to slavery or medical science to survive.
A judge, feeling benevolent, went lightly on a mass-murderer of 60,
who after a light 5 year sentence in jail, would plague the country with a
new disease he created working in the jail's kitchen.
A new cult would form, their faith in god renewed. Stripping
themselves of all their trappings of civilizations later in the day, they
would move into the Net.ropolis City Park, living with nature. A few years
later, the remaining members, long since having become savages, would be
wiped out by a rare disease which the newest McDonald's food had caused
the city- dwellers to grow an immunity to.
Despite all this, it was still, at the moment, a beautiful day.
'Lord, what a horrid day, said Kid Anarky staring out the window of
his sparsly furnished room in LNH HeadQuarters.
'Other heroes get winds, drizzles, storms, at least grey clouds during
their funerals. Lost Cause Boy gets this...', he said turning away from
the window in disgust, 'the most idyllic day in years.'
'Isn't it a beautiful day?!' Said Panta joyously as she pounced into
the room, trailing Pliable Lad behind her. Panta looked very cheerful,
while Pliable Lad appeared to be happy that she was so happy. He was
carrying a bundle of books which totally obstructed his sight and leant
over at precarious angles. 'I think Causie would have been happy to know
his funeral was on such a terrific day.' she said as she looked out the
window.
Kid Anarky looked at Pliable Lad, who only shrugged. KA still wasn't
pleased about the treatment he had heard that Self- Righteous Preacher was
putting Panta through, but Panta was a grown mutant feline girl, and could
take care of herself. Besides, she knew she could ask him for help if she
needed it, right?
'Besides,' he thought, 'I have a wife and children to care fo... ye gads!
There I go again! Where do these stray thoughts keep coming from?!' he
thought, putting his hands on his head.
'Pliable to Kid Anarky? Pli to Anarky? Anyone home?' said Pliable
Lad, waving a rubbery hand in front of KA's face.
'Are you OK?
'Sure. Just thinking.'
'Umm, OK...' said Pliable Lad, uncertain of what to think. He had
known Kid Anarky for only a few weeks, but in that time had grown to think
KA was seriously messed up. He was always contradicting himself, he'd have
emotional swings, and other strange habits. He would suggest a visit to a
psychiatrist if he hadn't been afraid of Anarky's reaction. And Pli _was_
new to the Net.Patrol after all, and he didn't want to insult one of the
charter members...
After leading Curly, a muscle-bound figure with a shaved head and the
intelligence of a TV character Lost Cause Boy had called 'Stimpy', into the
cab with some issues of 'Richie Rich', the Net.Patrol left for the funeral.
'I don't see why we couldn't have gone there like normal super-heroes:
by rooftop.' said Panta, turning to Kid Anarky.
'Yeah. Or have used our Flight-Thingee like the rest of the LNH.'
commented Pliable Lad.
'Umm.. well, this way denotes more respect. We knew him better than
anyone else, after all.' explained Kid Anarky. 'Besides, you don't want to
get our good clothes dirty, do you?' he continued, indicating the black tie
he was wearing. (As a matter of fact, this was the only piece of clothing
which he was wearing which was different than his normal costume). Panta
was wearing a a very tight black single piece dress (of which KA doubted
the length of the skirt was legal) which contrasted greatly with her
yellow, orange and white furry figure, while Pliable Lad had formed the fabric
of his 'you.wouldn't.believe.how.unstable' molecule costume into the shape
of a formal suit.
'Well, I guess not...' agreed PL reluctantly while KA breathed a sigh
of relief. Moments later Pliable Lad started wondering how a yellow cab
denoted more respect, but he let it go.
On the way to the cemetary, they passed by an open field where a large
crowd was gathered. On first glance Kid Anarky supposed it to be a circus
or celebration of some sort. Perhaps a media event. No matter. They
were dealing with somber matters.
The cab suddenly surprised KA by stopping. It was not the action of
stopping which surprised him very much, for he had been expecting this, but
it was the time at which it did so which did surprise him so. They seemed
to be stopped in front of the aforementioned park. 'Maybe the driver's
hungry, and wants a hot-dog.' he reasoned. Kid Anarky, feeling there was
something innately wrong with stopping by at a carnival on the way to a
funeral, and that the driver should feed himself on his own time, pointed
all this out to the cabbie. He failed to notice Pliable Lab and Panta
getting out of the cab, pulling out Curly on a leash made of Pli's fingers
they had attached to his neck. The cabbie proceeded to stare right
through KA's right shoulder as he made his protests.
"So ya gonna pay or wut?" said the cabbie after KA had finished.
"But I wanted to go to the cemetary!! I've got to deliver a eulogy!"
The cabbie glanced at Kid Anarky's face, wondering what he had done to
deserve this. He wasn't dishonest. Much. It wasn't as if he didn't go
to church every other year or so. He sighed.
"Look, Kid..." he started.
"Anarky."
"Whutever. See that license? That mean I'm watcha call a registered
public people-transportation expert. You tell me: Elmwood Cemetary, I bring
you to Elmwood cemetary. Deal with reality on your own time."
"But this can't be..." Kid Anarky stopped, noticing that Pli, Panta,
and Curly were gone, have left through a large iron gate marked Elmwood
cemetary.
"Oh. Sorry." as he started to leave, he felt a large meaty hand fall
on his shoulder from behind. In a flash faster than the eye can
follow and that would have astonished Ultimate Ninja, Kid Anarky had
drawn a Claymore from no apparent source in a fluid single action and was
holding it at the terrified cabbie's throat.
"WHAT?!" he screamed.
The cabbie was caught completely flat-footed. He had dealt with muggers
before. If Kid Anarky had drawn a gun, even a Liefeld-esque gun he could
have dealt with it. He had also dealt with super-villians before, and had
had a special power blast field absorbtion system installed in the trunk.
But this...
He basically summed this all up with "gack" and fainted.
"What a wimpy cabbie..." commented KA as he suddenly noticed the
blade in his hands.
Dropping the longsword, he simultaneously screamed while pointing
at it "What the HELL is _that_???!!"
"Claymore." came a low voice from behind him. "Pretty good one at that."
Turning around, Kid Anarky found himself looking into the masked
face of Ultimate Ninja. "Er... hi." KA fidgeted. He was noticably
uncomfortable speaking to the leader of the LNH. "I... er... was just, like,
umm..."
"I don't care." the rest are waiting for you. C'mon. You've got
a funeral to attend.". UN turned on his heels and stalked broodingly away.
"Umm, Ultimate Ninja?" said Kid Anarky UN turned around. "I know
you and Lost Cause Boy didn't get along that well," continued Kid Anarky,
"for that matter he didn't get along with Rebel Yell either... or Lurking
Girl.... or me that much either... or..."
"But...?" said Ultimate Ninja impatiently, calculating the number
of ways he figured could have killed him from this distance.
"Well, thanks for attending. Really." Kid Anarky looked sincere.
"Anything else?" growled UN.
"Umm... well, no." said Kid Anarky, somewhat taken aback by the
warrior's coldness.
"Fine." said UN, turning sharply and disappearing through the
gates of the cemetary.
Turning around Kid Anarky suddenly remembered the cabbie. He also
remembered the minor detail that he possessed no money. "Hmmm,", he
contemplated, "maybe a can let him have that weird big knife that keeps
popping up...". Looking around the cab, Kid Anarky found that it was
nowhere to be seen.
"Weird" he mused. "Oh well, it's not like I'm robbing a bank or
anything...". He turned and walked away from the taxicab into the gates to the
cemetary to find... chaos.
The media had flocked to this event like... well... media to a
newsworthy event! It wasn't every day that a super-hero died! Especially
not one who had instigated the 'woody' scandal (which the media had had a
field trip with...).
[note - since this story takes place shortly after LCB died, little do
they know that shortly thereafter Continuity Champ, Comic Snob Boy, and
even, temporarily, Generic Man, would die in the next few weeks...]
A good percentage of the LNH had shown up, as well as a healthy
portion of the populace of Net.ropolis, hoping to get a glimpse of the
corpse of the hero who had saved all their lives... (little do _they_ know
that, was it not for LCB, their lives would never have been placed in
danger in the first place...).
As Kid Anarky made his way to the makeshift stage and podium which
had been set up, he was viciously and brutally accosted by a swarm of
reporters.
"Mr Anarky, do you have any words for the city?"
"Is it true that you and Lost Cause Boy were twin brothers
seperated at birth? No? Lovers?"
"Is it true you hated his guts?"
"Is it true you killed him for having an affair with you wife?"
"Why aren't you in jail for leaving court during your trial?"
Hearing this last one, Kid Anarky turned to the reporter and said in
a very controlled voice: "I was allowed to go free while they conduct an
investigation on the whereabouts of my wife and children. Since they
presently have no documentation of their existence, or of mine for that
matter, I'm on bail till they figure out what to do." With that
he attempted to continue to make his way through the camera-flashing
microphone-pushing onslaught towards Panta and Pliable Lad whom he had
just spotted.
The entire event seemed to have turned into a large celebration,
with buskers, hot-dog stands, and other assorted entertainers and people
trying to make money. There were even people selling various "Death of
Lost Cause Boy" paraphanelia. Kid Anarky continued in disgust towards the
stage.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
The ceremony started with Self-Righteous Preacher giving a very
eloquent and touching speech. "I thought Self-Righteous Preacher couldn't
stand LCB. You know... the 'w'-word affair." whispered Kid Anarky to Panta.
"Oh, he has no problem supporting Lost Cause Boy," commented Pliable Lad
cynically, "now that he's dead."
By the time SRP had finished, almost everyone had a tear in his eye
(although it was hard to tell, with the LNHers with masks which covered the
eyes...). Kid Anarky was at a loss for word when he realized he was next.
Getting up from his chair, he stepped up to the podium while straightening
his tie.
"Friends, most of us know Lost Cause Boy..."
Suddenly KA stopped as he noticed that many people had started
talking to each other rather exitedly and staring at him. Turning around
to Pliable Lad and Panta, he saw that Pliable Lad's jaw was literally on
the ground and Panta was indicating a point above Kid Anarky's head.
Looking up he had a second to be astonished by the strange swirling energy
field there and a fraction of a second afterwards to dodge out of the way
of the costumed figure which dove out of it moments later. The figure
wore a red leather jacket and had guns strapped all over him.
"Fear not, for I, Superhero-Bashing-Dude, am here!" said the
muscled figure.
"Yes, I am here to answer Lost Cause Boy's call to action, to aid
in your quest for Writer-with-Integrity, to...." suddenly the figure
stopped and looked around. "Umm.... am I late?"
"Who"
"Huh?"
"Oh no..."
(That's right! I'm copying Liefeld's brilliant dialog from 'Supreme'!)
"Umm...who _is_ he?" whispered Pliable Lad to Panta.
"What?? Haven't you read the Integrity Quest Trade-Etherback I
gave you yet?"
"Well, I've been really busy lately, and..."
"Right. Integrity Quest Trade-EtherBack. Part 10. Right after
that scene."
"What scene?"
"You know.", stressed Kid Anarky, "THAT scene."
As Panta and Pliable Lad discussed this, Kid Anarky trying to
explain certain incomprehensible concepts to Superhero-Bashing Dude:
"What do you mean 'It's over'?"
"Over. Kaput. Nothing left. The Fat Lady has Sung."
"But what of your search for Writer-with-Integrity?! Oh, and where's
Lost Cause Boy?!"
"Well, WWI (not World War One) left, and Causie, er, well... here
have a look at something..."
A look of confusion crossed SBD's face as he saw the coffin marked
'Lost Cause Boy' on it.
An even greater look of confusion crossed his face as he saw his
chest explode all over the coffin. He slumped down onto the ground.
"What th--? Some body just shot Superhero Bashing Dude! (And made
a heck of a mess too). Who would dare attack during a funeral, especially
with so much of the LNH here?" announced a reporter.
The sound of someone say 'nice!' was heard in the silent crowd,
which quickly parted to reveal ...Jon and Russ, The CrossPost Brothers!
Making their way up to the stage unimpeded, the pair quickly made
their way to the coffin and opened it.
"Mess-EE!" exclaimed Russ.
Grabbing a microphone, Jon said, "Just Come to pay our respects
folks." A vicious smile crossed his face.
The pair stood there contorting there face for several seconds.
Finally, in unison the pair spit on the mauled corpse!
The pair broke out laughing, the maniacal laughter continuing
several minutes after they had disappeared.
"The ceremonies will continue in a moment..." stuttered Self
Righteous Preacher into the microphone he picked off the floor.
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
"Look," explained Self Righteous Preacher to the Net.Patrol
condescendingly, "I don't particularly like any of you. As far as I'm
concerned you wouldn't even be here if I thought I could get away with it.
You've done nothing but jinx me since the day I've met you.
Now, we're going to go back out there and this is going to go
smooth. Really smooth. This funeral is an important even, moreso than
you could imagine, and I won't have you hoodlums ruining it."
"but..." protested Panta.
"No buts. You will not start any of your shenanigans."
"Shenanigans?" muttered Pliable Lad.
"And don't back talk me!" snapped SRP at Panta. "You come here
dressed like a... a... floozie! Just look at that skirt!!"
"Hey!" exclaimed Pliable Lad.
"It's alright Pli. Look, it's confortable. It's not easy finding
something confortable with a tail, you know?" explained Panta, lifting her
orange, spotted tail.
"But why does it matter to you so much? You never liked Causie
alive! What's your angle?" asked Kid Anarky to SRP.
"I have my reasons." said SRP enigmatically before turning around
and heading back up on top the stage.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
"Err...*ahem*" restarted Kid Anarky.
He continued once the crowd had quieted down again. Captain
Cleanup had done a marvellous job disposing of the remains of Superhero
Bashing Dude, and now Lost Cause Boy's coffin looked as good as ever...
"Friends, I....". Suddenly, the crowd seemed very restless, and he
heard, from behind him, the voice of Curly, Panta, and Pliable Lad,
respectively, say:
"Look! Up in the sky!"
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"Oh no... Not Him... He wouldn't dare after he..." the words died
in Kid Anarky's mouth before he could finish.
That's Right, Fans! It was none other than... UltraDude!!
"Greeting and Salutations, loyal citizens of... er..." paused UltraDude.
"Net.ropolis..." muttered Kid Anarky, who could feel the stern
stare of Self-Righteous Preacher on him.
"...Net.ropolis!" finished UD. "I, who fight for Truth, Justice,
and The American way (as depicted on The Simpsons), am here to pay my
honours to my close, dear, personal friend, Lost Cause Lad."
"Boy." corrected Panta. Pliable Lad chuckled.
"I will now recite a poem I have written..." UltraDude starts
searching through his cape, pulling out a small note. He was about to remove
his glasses when he noticed Kid Anarky indicating for him to join him on the
sideline momentarily.
After excusing himself he joins KA.
"Thanks for stopping me, Kid. I can call you Kid, right?"
"No you can't, and what do you mean 'thanks'. And also, what the he**
are _you_ doing here?!"
"Why, my dear, dear Kid Anarky, sir. I say thanks because," UD
lowered his voice to a whisper, "if I had taken these glasses off, people
would have recognized my alter ego! And as for that last part, I have no
idea what you're talking about." answered UltraDude with an innocent look
on his face.
"Alter-e... *sigh*. Of course. Anyhow, you _know_ what I mean! You
wimped out on us during the big fight with SpoonsDay! I you had stayed
around, Lost Cause Boy might still be alive today!" fumed Kid Anarky.
"Well... I... I was scared..." whimpered UD.
"SCARED?! You're invincible!! How can you have been scared?!"
whispered Kid Anarky furiously.
He instantly realised he had made a mistake. Huge tears were
welling up in the Man of Aluminum's eyes, and before Kid Anarky could
take cover he was covered in UD's tears as he cried and cried and cried.
That was when he heard the first 'boo' from the audience. He was
astonished. The audience was actually booing Kid Anarky! They had taken
sympathy with UltraDude! Of course, they had only seen KA chastising UD
without hearing what had been said...
Grabbing a pacifier from his pocket, he shoved it into the
Brainless Wonder's mouth and quickly led him over to his chair next to the
rest of the Net.Patrol.
"Who is this guy?" asked Pliable Lad.
"This is the guy who 'saved' me from my trial, and left just as
SpoonsDay attacked." explained KA quickly.
"What a wimp." said Pliable Lad.
"I dunno. He's kinda cute." interjected Panta. Kid Anarky and
Pliable Lad looked at her in utter astonishment. "Too bad he's totally
braindead..." she continued.
Things were beginning to look ugly with the audience when Kid
Anarky got back to them. They were getting impatient of all the
whispering going on on-stage. It was time for KA to reveal his special guest...
"Comrades," he started, "today we mourn the loss of a hero. I.." he
paused significantly, surprised he had gotten this far, "am Kid Anarky,
member of the Legion of Net.Heroes, founding member of the Net.Patrol, and
teammate to the deceased, Lost Cause Boy." Happy that he had gotten
through witha whole paragraph of his newly-revised speech (he was never
good with planned events anyway), he looked up at the audience to
see... boredom?
KA couldn't believe it. After all the action which had been going
on, the audience didn't care for a simple speech! He couldn't wait any
longer! He would have to reveal his secret guest right away.
"Ladies, Gentlemen, members of the media, I present to you here for the
first time in months... Graves!"
A figure dressed in suit, obviously a butler, stepped onto the
stage from the audience with a limp. When I say 'obviously a butler', I
mean that every centimetre of his person had the aspects of a butler.
People who had never _seen_ a butler before would look at him and think:
'Now _there's_ a butler.'. Anyway...
As Graves stepped onto the stage, suddenly UltraDude looked up from his
game of patty-cake with Curly in rage and astonishment. He bit through his
pacifier and growled, "GRAVES!".
UltraDude was on him before anyone could do anything.
The next 4 pages are the Mandatory Fight Scene (tm), as Graves
pulls out his Liefeld BIGGUN #1 from seemingly nowhere and starts blasting
away with the shell-releasing energy weapon. Seconds later, after
recovering, UD is on Graves again. In the first second he had crushed the
ridiculous looking gun into a toothpick. By the second second, he had
snapped both Grave's arms and his legs. He then proceeds to jump up and
down on him, screaming "No butler attacks MY heroes! Rrraahh!" The
audience applauds UD. This continued until Pliable Lad, Panta and Kid
Anarky manages to restrain him (barely). The audience boos them. The
heroes ignore the audience.
"You moron!" exclaimed Pliable Lad while hitting UD over the head
with his hand (now shaped like a frying pan).
"Yeah. Smooth move, MegaMoron." snapped Kid Anarky.
"but... but... but, that's _Graves_....and... and... and, he's the
Net.Patrol's enemy... and... and, he tried to kill you all... and....
andandand... WAAAHHH!!!" whined UltraDude.
"Now now." soothed Panta. "You shouldn't jump to conclusions like
that. Sure, Graves tried to kill us before, but he's our guest here.
Besides, he's reformed."
"Re... reformed?" whimpered UD.
"That's right. He's learnt his lesson. Right Graves?" asked Panta
to the pulpy mass underneath UltraDude. "Eewww. Anyhow, he's going to be
our butler now. For real."
"Well, he _was_ going to be out butler..." commented Kid Anarky
sarcastically. "Yo, Graves! You still alive, buddy?"
The pulpy figure gurgled.
"Hey! He's still alive! How about that, folks! Yup, we build
'em tough in the Net.Patrol! His skeleton's been liquified, but he's
still conscious! Betcha that kinda smarts, tho..." commented Kid Anarky.
"By the way, Graves." started Kid Anarky. "Don't think I didn't
notice that gun. Now what did I tell you about violence?"
"Captain CleanUp?..." shouted Panta.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
"I don't wanna go back out there." whined Kid Anarky backstage.
"What? Really?! Promise?" exclaimed Self Righteous Preacher.
"Well, why not?" snapped Pliable Lad.
"Don't tell me you haven't noticed that every time I get up there
to talk, something happens. I'm not even gonna bother trying anymore."
"Oh, come one! You're just being paranoid." cajoled Panta.
"No way hose."
"Look, do you want Self Righteous Preacher to win? We need you to
go up there, Kid. Causie would want you to." explained Pliable Lad. "For
Panta. Please?"
Kid Anarky looked into their expectant faces. Was it true? Was
he just being paranoid? It was possible... Anyhow, nothing bad had
happened to _him_ yet. Maybe there was a pattern to all this, somehow...
"Fine. I'm gonna do it! And I'm not letting anything stop me!"
proclamed Kid Anarky.
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Kid Anarky stepped up to the podium for what he knew was the
last time. He looked at the crowd, and saw there a multitude of emotion:
love, envy, adoration, hate, spite, boredom, impatience and many more could
be read from the faces present. Not even the combined might of ERNIE
would stop him now!
"I..." began Kid Anarky when he heard a shout from behind him.
"You! The guy in the mask and the trenchcoat! Stop where you
are!" came an authorative shout from behind him.
Spinning around, he shouted "WHAT IS IT NOW?!?". To his surprise
he saw 2 police officers, and behind them a familiar face...
"That's him officer!" shouted the cabbie.
"Kid Anarky? We're placing you under arrest for assault, escaping
your trial, creating a disturbance in public, not paying your cab fare,
and wearing a trenchcoat without a license."
"Buh... buh... but... butbutbut..." muttered KA. The audience cheered.
As Kid Anarky begins leaving the stage, he talks quickly with the
officers from the NPD, and they give him a last moment with the deceased.
Kid Anarky steps over to the coffin and opens it. Inside is the
ruined wreck of a man who KA had known for too short a time, but was happy
to call... friend. Looking at the mauled corpse, he feels no disgust,
only... sadness.
Kid Anarky reaches into his trenchcoat and pulls out a copy of
Lost Cause Special #2: Collector's Edition (pre-bagged with trading card
and special Limited Edition Action Figure) which he slips into Lost Cause
Boy's comic satchel. Lost Cause Boy's satchel: where he kept all the
comics in his collection he valued so highly... his cause. His Lost Cause.
Kid Anarky has a cynical grin on his face as the police officers
take him away.
[Wow.
Hmmm? Next issue blurb? At an emotional time like this?
Well, I suppose...
NEXT ISSUE: Kid Anarky searches for his family! No Kidding!!
And finds out some interesting stuff about his past!
No, Really!]
*****************************************************************************
kid / * Steph Savoie Acadia U, Nova Scotia, Canada
____/_| * a.k.a. KID ANARKY <<stephane.savoie at acadiau.ca>>
/ / | \ * of the Net.Patrol in the Legion of Net.Heroes!!
___|_/_____|__|___ * *******************************************************
/ | | * "I thinks it's a bad idea to mix pleasure with
/ \______|_/ * geography" ---Ford Prefect
/ |NARKY ****** Vote Cerebus for Prime Minister in '93!!! *******
*****************************************************************************
==========
Next Week: Time for a Jon Bon Jovi Song?!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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