LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #300: LOST CAUSE BOY SPECIAL #2

[Arthur Spitzer]

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.


And here's where you can find both Lost Cause Boy Specials:


https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Miniseries/Lost.Cause.Boy/




And we've reached the 300th issue of this reprint old LNH stories
series!  Which I suppose puts us in the No-Skipped-Issues to 300
club with umm... Haiku Gorilla and...?  Is that it?

And it's the Lost Cause Boy Special #2 by Doug Wojtowicz!  This one
is another of those Milestone LNH issues!  We've got the Death of
Lost Cause Boy -- which is significant because he's managed to stay
dead (well, maybe there have been some stories where he came back
as a zombie, but I'll ignore those).  But it's 2023 and he's still
dead -- take that Bucky Barnes and Barry Allen!


Anyways, here it is...



              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #300!


                         =====================
                       LOST CAUSE BOY SPECIAL #2
                         =====================








[ Last Issue, Lost Cause Boy was conned by Shark-Finned Agent, a disciple of
DeFacto, into giving him his own mega-violent two-issue miniseries, in which
he would eventually die at the hands of the grotesque and monsterous Spoonsday,
with the threat of being revived by some hack later on, perhaps even, Hackman.
And now, as Causie plunges into desperate battle with Spoonsday, who has a
stupidity field around him that prevents the rest of the LNH from stopping him,
Causie takes the battle to DeFacto, making sure he won't be the only one
dead and wrapped in plastic. ]

This issue is a poly-bagged issue with a Lost Cause Boy action figure, trying
to push through the poly-baggin, clawing, a look of terror on his face.  The
cover itself is almost a mirror of the action figure clawing through
the poly-baggin, and is the same for the Newsstand special edition.  There is
a gatefold centerpiece showing the entire roster of the Net.Patrol Panta,
Causie, Anarky, Curly, and Pliable Lad, with the still intact LNH headquarters
Those Annoying Crosspost Brothers, Ultimate Ninja, ERNIE's assembled
forces with the big MachineThing (tm), Acton Lord, Rebel Yell, and
the assembled cast from the Comics Conspiracy written by Kid Kirby.
(It has three folds in it).  The covers are also gatefold, the insides
showing all the covers of the Integrity Quest issues, complete with
prism and hologram imprints. (The ultimate sellout issue.)

Opening splash page, Causie riding Spoonsday as they crash into DeFacto's
apartment, Spoonsday flattening DeFacto like a bug, Causie shouting at the
top of his lungs.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY COMIC BOOK?!?"

DeFacto shrugging Spoonsday aside, crawling to his knees. "Kids will buy this
up like hotcakes.  No one ever sold a full sized special edition dying action
figure with a comic book before.  It will sell so fast that nobody will be
able to find one in two days for less than fifty dollars."

"Youuuuu, you sick little monkey!" Causie snarled as Spoonsday rose to his
feet.  The mindless hulk rushed towards him, and Causie deftly dodged, the
massive creature plowing through the wal and seventeen city blocks.

"Bugtown's getting destroyed.  Trampled.  Aren't you going to stop him?"
DeFacto asked.

"I'm going to help him," Causie replied. "The two of us can flatten Bugtown
even though it is almost infinite.  And once it's destroyed, it'll regenerate
back to where it originally was... before you mutated it."

DeFacto started to reach for his Plot Device, trying to shunt Causie and
Spoonsday out of alt.fan.bugtown, but his hand was relentlessly chewed off by
a snarl of .380 auto slugs.  DeFacto cradled the bloody stump to his chest,
looking up to see Jon Crosspost and Josh Crosspost standing there, Jon holding
an Ingrahm M-11.

"A .380 subgun, Jon?" Josh asked.

"It was all that I could fit in my nose," Jon answered. "Lose the Plot Device
bro-of mine."

"With pleasure," Josh replied, pulling out a plunger.

"But, there's no explosives attatched," DeFacto whined.

"Oh, we're nuking the entire building.  Well, not nuking," Josh said,
twisting the plunger, shifting out.

"We're just using an anti-matter explosion," Jon replied, following his
brother. [And we're both shifting to the nearest hilltop to watch the
mushroom bloom.]

Causie flew out of the building as he saw the core of it turn white with
nothingness.  DeFacto scrambled, rushing madly towards safety, trying to
activate his own Plot Device and teleport himself out.  By the time he hit
the code sequence, his left arm and leg were vaporized by the explosion.

Causie grabbed Spoonsday and flew back into the anti-matter event horizon,
both of them being washed over by waves of annihilation as they hammered
at each other in mid-flight.

"Don't you at least talk?" Causie griped, grabbing Spoonsday by the privates
and playing crack the whip.

"GHEURHWERHWEUIHFUIWERHIAK!" Spoonsday grunted, not unlike the Tasmanian
Devil.  Kicking Causie in the teeth, he sent him plowing through even more
property, buildings crashing.

Causie lunged again, pounding Spoonsday into the ground, hitting a fault line
and sending half the city into the bay, where giant sharks pounced upon the
population, eating heartily of the poor, demented folks of Bugtown.

Suddenly, Spoonsday plunged his fist into the ground, grabbing a huge cable,
pulling at it.  Causie recognized it.

"No!  Not the net li...."

*****************************************************************************

The Net.Patrol assembled, watching the monitors as the rest of the LNH were
busy evacuating Net.tropolis in case Causie and Spoonsday would return.  Panta
looked up at the monitor link to alt.fan.bugtown.

"The entire net.link went down for a second.  Any active files in there would
have been lost, and that means..." Panta began.

"Look!  Bugtown!  It's come back online!" Anarky shouted.

"But I don't see any signs of destruction.  Or any sign that DeFacto even
infected the place," Pliable Lad said, craning his neck to get a closer look
at the monitor.

Rebel Yell appeared at the monitor room. "You guys, if Spoonsday returns,
and LCB isn't here to stop him, you're going to have to delay him.  There's
no way we can allow the fine people of Net.tropolis to be harmed."

"But what about the mightiest of our team?  Kid Kirby?  Continuity Champ?
Typo Lad?  Can't they do anything?" Pliable Lad asked. "We are the weakest
links of the Legion..."

"Speak for yourself," Anarky said.

"Apparently, there appears to be a continuity field surrounding the entire
city of Net.tropolis, emminating from the remains of the LNH HQ.  It forced
everyone out," Rebel Yell said. "Not even Champ can penetrate it."

"So that means... Causie is our only chance, due to another plot device,"
Panta said.  She looked around the monitor room. (Actually, room was a general
term.  There were the remains of a few walls, and the monitor console, but
that was about it.  Everything else was wreckage.  She put her hand to her
chest, lowering her head.

Pliable Lad and Anarky both took deep sighs, watching her stand there, so
sleek and beautiful, and so heartbroken.  When she had wanted to join the
Legion, Causie was the loudest voice present to support her, even though it
would have ostracized him.  And then there was the "Woody" incident, a diabolic
plot to ruin the Integrity of Integrity Quest.

Anarky wanted to hold her and console her, but he remembered that he was
himself married, with two kids, who were now being rushed to safety by the
rest of the LNH.  Pliable Lad, who had barely even had a chance to even touch
Panta, was also interested in consoling her.

Panta looked up as the red alert sounded.  Everyone was broken from their
silent reverie, watching the monitors as a hole ripped open in the net.stream
and two limp forms came flying through, impacting only meters outside the
monitor room.

Panta bounded to Causie's side as he began to stir, Anarky and Pliable Lad
taking positions between them and Spoonsday, who appeared motionless.  Curly
was busy filling up his kitty litter box (the proto-Stimpy that he is), taking
a few taste bites.

"Where am I?" Causie asked.

"Well, you're either in rec.arts.comics, rec.arts.comics.misc, or
alt.comics.lnh," Panta said, stroking his hair back. "You're alright."

"The comic, is it still wrapped in plastic?" Causie asked.  Panta cocked
her head.

"Uhhhh, guys, I think we'd better get moving.  Ugly's starting to get up,"
Pliable Lad called, turning into a cross between a Formula 1 racecar and
a station wagon.  Anarky and Curly loaded Causie in as Panta took the
driver's seat.

They took off as the giant Spoonsday rolled to his feet, looking around,
eyes red, jaws slavering.  He noticed the kitty litter box and sat down,
beginning to eat...

**************************************************************************

Rebel Yell and Lurking Lass were finishing their evacuation proceedings when
they reached the stupidity barrier.  Pliable Lad's race-ambulance form came
zooming up and Causie shambled out.

"Chief, what's wrong?" Causie asked.

Rebel Yell touched the stupidity field. "It looks like we're trapped in here.
The thing won't let us out without a massive expense of power.  And frankly,
none of the net.heroes here has the raw energy to bust through, and nobody
outside can get through either."

Causie looked at his satchel of comic books.  He reached down, pulling out
an issue of Walt Simonson's Thor and pulled the polybagging off of it, all
the while cursing Speculator Lad. "I'm using my comic books up fast.  My
Post Brothers issue turned to dust with the jump I made with Spoonsday.
Same thing happened to the Superman issue."

"Where are the rest of your comics?" Panta asked.

"They're all wrapped in plastic.  And they're dying.  I'll never open them
all in time," he gasped.  Touching the issue, he summoned Mjolnir, blasting
a hole in the stupidity field large enough for the last of the refugees and
net.heroes to get out before it closed again, moments before Panta and
the others could touch it.

"Causie, hold on.  Kid Kirby and Continuity Champ are going to set up a
combined Ditko field to punch through and get you out!" Rebel Yell called.

"No.  If the stupidity field is breeched again, Spoonsday might be able to
punch his way free," Causie said.  He turned, looking at the rest of the
Net.Patrol.

"So, we're the Net.Patrol now, hunh?" he asked, smiling, his costume now a
bunch of tatters, his face smudged with dirt and dried blood. "Great name."

Kid Anarky held out his hand. "We could call ourselves the Four Horsemen one
last time..."

"Nah.  You guys'll be crawling up from the wreckage, so you'll need something
new.  Something to forget me," Causie answered, looking towards the center.
The ground was being torn up.  Central Net.tropolis looked like Hiroshima
after the bomb.

"Why not use the Plot Devices?  We'll teleport out.  The Legion's combined
power can build a newer, better net.tropolis," Panta said.

"Sooner or later the stupidity field will fail, and Spoonsday will get loose,"
Causie said.

"How do you know?" Panta asked.

"Uatu told me.  I got to read the special What If- Causie hadn't Battled
Spoonsday to the Death, issue when we were in the story break," Causie said.
"I marry you, I get old fat and lumpy, and Spoonsday busts out, flattens me
and the rest of the Net.verse, and our son saves like only fifty people out
of the entire population, and only four are women."

Pliable Lad shuddered like a bowl of jello. "A hideous thought.  We've got
to stop him now."

"Uhhh, did I get killed?" Anarky asked.

"It was a What If-?  What do you think?" Causie asked.

"It's been nice knowing you Causie," Anarky answered, taking a step back.

Panta whirled towards them. "What's wrong with you people?  Causie's going
to die, and all you can think of is surviving so you can keep your own series?"

"Well, yeah," Pli and Anarky answered.

"I don't blame you," Panta muttered.  She looked towards Causie. "But I'll
stick with you.  There's no way Spoonsday can withstand our combined
abilities.  What do you say?"

"HAPPY HAPPY!  JOY!  JOY!" a roar came from central Net.tropolis.  They all
looked towards Curly, who was scrambling around.

"My Down and Dirty Nitty Gritty Kitty Litter!  He ate it!" Curly called.

They noticed Spoonsday hopping along, his tongue hanging out, nose now
blue as he glanced towards them.  "Happy happy, smash smash!"

Anarky buried his face in his hands. "Oh no!  Spoonsday is a Stimpivore!  No
wonder he's so invulnerable!  He only has one nerve ending.  We're doomed.
Game over man!  It's gone!  We've lost!"

Pliable Lad formed his hand into a fly swatter and whacked Anarky. "Get a
hold of yourself you fool!  We've got a job to do.  And like the chicken
said, you knew the job was dangerous when you took it!"

"You're right.  What could I have been thinking?" Anarky said. "Alright.
My sonic powers are sort of working again..."

Causie perked up. "Yeah?  What can you do?"

"I can sound like the amplifiers for Axl Rose's voice in concert," Anarky
said.

"Ugh.  A terrifying weapon," Causie said. "Let's do it."

He pulled open the last book that hadn't started disintegrating.  The number
one issue of John Byrne's Superman.  As he opened it, he felt his body starting
to surge with power.  It had not been affected by the poly-bagging, not yet.
And he was ready.

Panta lunged first, followed by Curly, Panta in her Berserker Fury(tm), Curly
spitting hairballs at Spoonsday.  The giant Stimpivore shrugged off the hair
ball assault, grabbing at Panta, swinging her around.  In a burst of
superspeed, Causie caught her and pulled her free before any impact, cradling
her and taking her to the safety of the hollowed out LNH HQ.

"This is no good.  None of you can stand up to Spoonsday," he said, turning
away. "I'm going to get the others to safety."

Panta grabbed Causie. "Causie?  About those issues with Anarky...?"

Causie looked at the ground. "I don't blame them.  Or you.  I never really
could stay angry with you.  You were in the MachineThing, and it looked like
you could actually die.  You did the only thing you thought you could..."


"He didn't even kiss me," Panta said. "Just like you.  All it was was him
waking up, cuddling me."

"Still, it was a jail cell, and... I just wanted to say..."

Panta touched Causie again. "You said you were married to me in that
What-If?"

"It was good," Causie said. "But I've got work to do.  My last piece of
work, due to the contract.  Here, see?"

Panta scanned over it. "This contract binding even unto the death of all
parties involved, and the destruction of this piece of paper.  Wow, talk
about a no-escape clause."

"Satan has nothing on DeFacto," Causie said. "The next time you see the
spud, tie his aorta around his ears and make him use it for a bungee
chord, okay?"

Panta reached out, but now, Causie was gone, having wasted enough pages
of character development in the story.

**************************************************************************

Anarky pulled Pliable Lad along with him as Curly was busy showing off his
spit collection from 1964.  Spoonsday looked awestruck at the bottle, pulling
out his collection of every band-aid he'd ever worn.

"What do we do now?" Pliable Lad asked. "I feel like I was thrown through
a car door."

"Actually, you were turned into a car door and smashed into a Booster Gold
action figure," Kid Anarky said.  He looked up, watching Curly and Spoonsday
pulling rubber gloves over their heads. "Where's an electric fence when you
need one?"

Causie flew down, looking at his pair of compatriots. "Guys, it was nice
working with you.  Pliable Lad, just remember MikE can write one retro-story
with me and the rest of the Net.Patrol.  Hell, you can even say that the
team was named in that story."

"Uhhh, okay," Pliable Lad said, shaking Causie's hand.

"About that thing with Panta..." Anarky said.

"I just read the issue on my way over.  All you did was think she was your
old teddy bear.  It's quite understandable," Causie answered. "Keep up the
good fight."

Kid Anarky pulled Causie in tight. "Man, it's like we're brothers.  We've been
in the Legion from the start..."

"Hey, hey, I didn't even get to hug Panta goodbye.  Don't hog up my time,"
Causie said.

Anarky pulled himself away, moping. "Spoonsday actually likes Axl Rose."

"The mindless fiend.  What the hell are Spoonsday and Curly doing sitting in
that litter box toge... oooh, sick!  Stimpy-pee!" Causie said, holding his
stomach.

Spoonsday looked up, then patted Curly on the head. "Kitty litter fun.  But
must go kill Causie now."

"Daaaah, okay.  Bye bye," Curly said.

Spoonsday rose from the kitty litter box, facing off with Causie.

"We as strong as each other.  We have good fight," Spoonsday said. "Me like
you."

Causie lunged, plowing into Spoonsday with the last of his Byrne/Superman
power as Spoonsday kept pounding away, goring Causie with the spoon claws in
his fingers.

Panta panted as she ran, dropping her flight thingie, seeing Anarky, Pli,
and Curly, watching Causie and Spoonsday finish their deadly battle.

Then, Causie stepped on Spoonsday's toe.  The giant's single nerve registered
the pain, and he clutched his heart, having a massive heart failure.  He
collapsed, knocking Lost Cause Boy backwards over a badly placed fire hydrant
into an open manhole.

Causie sat up, lighting a match to see where he was when the sewer gas
exploded, propelling him up ten thousand feet, where a low flying shuttle
crashed into him nose on, knocking him through the street below, a still
running subway train showing up just as he sat up, running him over.

Causie rolled over, his hand touching the third rail, the electric shock
launching him up again, hitting a flagpole, launching down into a cart full
of bannannas.  Trying to stand up, he slipped, skidding through a plate
glass window in a comics shop, smashing against a rack, an entire wallfull
of Youngblood #1's burying him.

Panta rushed to his side, digging him out, cradling him in her lap.

"Causie, Causie?"

"Panta... why... why did it have to be Liefeld?" he whimpered, reaching
up, touching her cheek.

"You can't die.  You're supposed to be invulnerable.  An undying spirit,
an everlasting belief in good comics," Panta said, sobbing, her tears dripping
on Causie's face, making him blink and wipe his eyes.

"With Superman gone, I guess it was inevitable that someone had to die so
needlessly.  It just happened to be me," he murmured. "Please, Panta, there's
one thing I want, before I die..."

Panta leaned forwards, closing her eyes.  They had one, final, tender kiss.

Panta sat up, looking down at him, face bloody from everything, his legs
broken to hell, her chest heaving with heavy sobs.

"You know," he started to say as Self Righteous Preacher showed up.

"Blaspheming witch!  How dare you kiss someone you're not married to!" SRP
yelled.

Panta bolted to her feet, Causie's head smashing into an issue of Youngblood,
the incredibly dense comic book caving in his skull, killing him instantly,
even though with Panta's kiss, he was starting to revive.  Panta whirled,
looking down at Lost Cause Boy.

SRP looked at the dead hero. "Uh, sorry.  I thought..."

Panta whirled SRP around and gave him a wedgie, pulling his underwear and
hooking it over his nose, kicking him into the same manhole cover Causie
fell into (setting off a similar chain reaction, only he landed in a
hospital emergency room instead of a comic shop).

The rest of the Net.Patrol showed up, seeing Lost Cause Boy laying there,
still and lifeless, blood pooling around his broken head.

"Surely, this day, the Cause was Lost," Pliable Lad said mournfully as Panta
broke down crying.

*****************************************************************************

"Cheapskates.  Couldn't even afford to hire Wojtowicz on for one more
installment of Funeral for a Friend," Causie grumbled as he walked through
comics limbo.  He paused, seeing a familiar figure skulking, sitting on
a box of old comics.

He walked up, seeing Superman leafing through his Byrne run of Fantastic
Four, and especially the issue of What-The? where he met the Fantastic
Four.

"Hi there.  How're you doing?"

"Lousy.  At this rate, I'll never marry Lois," he said. "I saw your death.
Great stuff.  Wish mine were that well done."

Causie shrugged as he sat next to Supes. "Well, at least I'll be back after
the semester break.  A new writer's going to revive me to parody some image
books.  What about you?"

"I return as a grim avenger of the night," Supes said. "Can you believe it?
It's fun being a boy scout.  Chicks fall for me all over the place."

"Yeah.  Tell me about it," Causie answered. "The new writer says he's gonna
replace my hands with automatic weapons.  God, I feel terrible."

"Well, at least here in comics limbo, you can get back all your lost
back issues," Supes said.

"Yeah?" Causie asked. "Cool.  Do they have a copy of Whatever Happened
to the Man of Steel parts one and two?"

Supes pulled out the two issues. "Here you go."

"Great, I never got to read these.  You know, this could be the start
of a beautiful friendship..."


************************************************************************

Lost Cause Boy (tm rescinded) Douglas P. Wojtowicz, for the last time.
Panta (tm donated by the tm donor card in Causie's pocket) Hubert Bartells.
Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie.
Pliable Lad (tm) Mike Escuitia.
Those Annoying Crosspost Brothers (tm) Mark Friedman.
Rebel Yell (tm) by Scavenger.
Lurking Lass (tm) and others (tm) appearing courtesy of their writers,
who I don't know the names of.

So long folks.  It's been fun.

The Lost Cause himself, Douglas P. Wojtowicz.

RIP LCB.



Hiatus finished washing his hands after picking up the bloody copies of
Youngblood #1, straining his muscles as he lifted the enormously dense
books.  He leaned against the wall of the bathroom, gasping, exhausted,
dying for breath.

He looked up at his mistress, who walked in wearing a long, sleek black
nightgown, with a cleavage plunging so low, even the non-Comics Code
Authority books could not show it.  He took a deep breath, gasping for
air.

"This comic shop was a clever idea, my love," his mistress said, drawing one
lacy black glove slowly across his cheek, an act taking so long, his
sore muscles restitched back together and he lost ten pounds from not eating,
mesmerized by the long, sensual caress.

"Uh, Revamp Lass..." Hiatus began, but she put her lacy finger to his lips,
silencing him.

"I knew the one thing that would destroy Lost Cause Boy would be an issue of
Youngblood Number 1.  Hah!  Friend's don't let friends read Youngblood, but
they also should beware not even to lift up a copy," she said, turning her hips
showing that her black skirt was slit up the side, exposing a soft, rounded
white thigh that completely blanked Hiatus' mind. "And now, thanks to our
efforts, we not only have the Man of Steel in our power, but the Last
Bastion of Comic-Book Hope.  Yes.  Two of the Last Boyscouts, all mine to
play with as I please."

"But mistress, he's dead.  Buried.  Wrapped in plastic.  How are we going to
even touch him?  I've heard that the Net.patrol keeps a vigilant watch on
his grave.  We can't even touch his body to revive him," Hiatus began. "We've
failed.  Now we can't make money hyping his comeback..."

"You fool?  Don't you realize that you're already in a comic short story
hyping his return?" Revamp Lass hissed, backhanding Hiatus so hard, his
face left an imprint on the brick wall. "Besides, a true master of the
revamp, or a true mistress, has the power to bring back a character even
if he is incincerated, or guarded by all the demons of hell."

"But Revamp Lass!" Hiatus began....

Revamp Lass casually lifted the issue of Youngblood stained with the
brains of the lost net.hero. "On the pages of this comic book are the remains
of Lost Cause Boy's brain.  There are enough cells here to completely clone
him, and after having soaked for weeks in the inks and Baxter-paper of
an issue of Youngblood, those cells will be twisted and warped to our
smallest whims."

Hiatus looked at the gore soaked comic book in its plastic wrapper. "Wow...
but there isn't even enough brain left for a proto-stimpy."

Revamp Lass backhanded Hiatus again. "You eeeedeeeeot!!  We'll grow a whole
new brain and body from the genetic material in his brain cells."

Hiatus shrugged. "And we regrow the clone in..."

Revamp Lass looked at Hiatus.  Hiatus looked back at her.  Their stares
lingered blankly between them.

"You know, if we're ever going to finish this before 100 lines, you'd better
say something," Hiatus said.

"We grow the clone in the Machinething's PlotDevicicon (tm)," Revamp Lass
said. "The very nature of DeFacto's Machinething will further mutate
and revamp LCB into a truly hideous shambling echo of a man."

"Like Swamp Thing?" Hiatus asked.

After Hiatus returned from the Emergency Room, he noticed Revamp Lass'
note, saying she'd taken the brain cells to DeFacto's MachineThing to
grow the clone.  He sat back, feeling his hold over the heroes in his
thrall slipping, loosening...

************************************************************************

"Oh no Dawn, the rules here are STRIP POKER!  Now hand me the panties
and we see if you're a real blonde..."

"Well, alright.  But I don't see the logic when you can see through
clothes anyways," Dove II told Superman as she handed over the blue lace
panties.  Lost Cause Boy shook his head in disgust.

"How the mighty have fallen," he said.

"Listen, you try staying a boy scout after fifty years of being watched
every single week, and then completely disappear from the public eye!" Supes
answered. "Oh Lord, I've become a sexist, hot-tempered pig.  I need my
audience.  I need all the little Supermaniacs out there, eating their
vitamins, saying their prayers..."

Causie slapped Superman hard (which wasn't as hard as he needed to in comics
limbo).  After handing him back the lost teeth, Causie patted the Man of
Steel on the back. "I know how you feel.  But please, don't turn into
Hulk Hogan on me..."

"Causie!  You're fading!" Dove said, reaching out for him, her hand
passing through his body as it faded away.

"Oh shit.  They're restarting my storyline already!  No!  No!  Help!  I
don't wanna live!  I don't wanna see Panta.... Hey!  Shithead!  Hurry up
and bring me back!  HURRY UP!!!!!"

Dove watched as Causie faded out of existence, then turned to Superman.
"One thing I don't get.  Am I really just in comics limbo?"

"Well, no.  But Janet has to get through that line of blonde/blue-eyed
superheroes out behind the Avengers Mansion," Superman said.

"Janet?  You mean the Wasp?"

"Yep.  Arthur, who flashed on through here after his series went on
hiatus said that the line went from Queens to Springfield."

"Massechussets?"

"Illinois."

"And she doesn't know these guys aren't all Henry Pym?"

"Oh, she knows.  And unless the Human Torch goes nuts like last time,
she doesn't mind."

Dove shook her head. "Uh, what are you doing with that hair dye and those
contacts?"

"Hell, if Don Hall and Barry Allen can join that conga line, I might as well
get a shot too," Superman said. "As long as Lois still thinks I'm dead..."

***************************************************************************

The clone chamber cracked open, steam pouring out from the rapid aging process,
or an overactive special effects specialist's imagination.  The figure stood,
part gleaming chrome, part glistening muscle, a totally new creature
stepped out into the darkened heart of the shattered MachineThing...

"I am here to do you bidding..." the clone said...

*****************************************************************************

OH NO!  WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR BRAVE AND VALIANT HERO OF CAUSES LOST?  WILL
HE BECOME A CYBERNETIC, GUN TOTING VIGILANTE WITH AN ATTITUDE (TM)?  WILL
HE BE THE ANTITHESIS OF ALL THAT HE USED TO BE?  WILL CHRIS KROLCZYK'S SENSE
OF HUMOR BE BROAD ENOUGH EVEN FOR THE LEGION OF NET.HEROES?  WILL DOVE
PSYCHICALLY CHANNEL TO LOIS LANE THAT SUPES IS ALIVE IN COMICS LIMBO, AND
DOING IT WITH A MARVEL SLUT?  WILL CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE EVER TAKE ANOTHER
DOSE OF THORAZINE AGAIN?  FIND THIS OUT, AND ALL THE MUCH MUCH MORE WHEN
THE LEGION OF NET.HEROES ASHAMEDLY PRESENTS, IN TRUE LNH RIP-OFF
FASHION- THE NET.PATROL IN,

"CRAWLING UP FROM THE HACKAGE!!!!!!!!!"




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Next Week:  Some more Net.Patroller Action!!!

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Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer