LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #284: Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude #4 and LNH v1 #11

[Drew Nilium]

On 4/30/23 5:08 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> First Off we have Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude #4 by Jef
> "The KaTeFan(tm)" Kolodziej!  And we've made it past The
> Electrocutioner's Song and now we're entering The Eve of
> Collection!

Oh, I get that reference X>

> And Finally we have LNH v1 #11 by Martin Phipps!  Wait!  What
> ever happened to LNH v1 #4-10?!  Will we ever find out the
> answer to that?! (Probably not.)

Oh dear. X>

> "Run! Run for your damn life!!", thought David Cassidy.

Oh, interesting.

> "The light. If I can get into the light, whoever it is can see me. I have to
> do it."
> 
> 25 feet.  He can make out the make of the car.  20 feet.  He can see it is
> a police car.  15 feet.  There are two cops inside it.  If he yells from
> here, he would be heard, and they will run out to see what is going on.

Damn, this is actually some really good tension.

> The dark cloud looms over his prisoner.  A hand from the cloud grabs the
> plastic, and pulls it into the cloud.
> 
> "Oh goody. I now have a complete collection of the Partridge Family.  Now
> to work on my Failed Television Series Actors from the 70's collection."

X3

> "You may have killed off the rest of the Legion, Ninja, but I will avenge...
> AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
> 
> A loud rip can be heard as the Ultimate Ninja slices thru The Incredible
> Man Who Has No Life with his Ginsu Katana Blade.  With a small grin, the
> Ultimate Ninja looks about him.  Lying in the middle of a football field
> lays a fallen LNH.  Even though he personally killed them all, he is unable
> to tell who some of them are, because of the way he mangled their bodies.
> In the stands, a lone figure stands up and hits the timer on the stopwatch.
> 
> "3.4 minutes.  Not bad, for a beginner."
<snip>
> At about mid-field, a few of the ninjas throw some shruikens at Z, but miss
> while either being shot, or trying to avoid getting shot.  Around the thirty
> yard line, the last of the ninjas were finally taken down.
> 	
> Stopping the stop watch, the Ultimate Ninja checks the time.  With a frown on
> his face, the Ultimate Ninja turns to Z.
> 
> "Well, you did it in 1.8 minutes.  I am impressed, to say the least."

This whole thing about making him The Biggest Badass is a Lot. X> I guess it's 
trying to go in a "buddy comedy" direction, tho, that could've worked.

(There's also a line I snipped about Z being a member of "member of the secret 
organization known as the Intelligencia", who knows what's going on there)

> Hearing a knock on his door, Sig.File Man wipes the tears from his eyes, and
> sees who it is.  He opens the door to find List Lad standing there with a
> copy of Tantalizing Teens #1 in his hands.
> 
> "I guess we were wrong about the Tantalizing Teens.  I am sorry that you were
> put through this mental anguish."
> 
> In total joy, Sig.File Man grabs List Lad and gives him a hug.  Hoping that
> no would see them this way, List Lad quickly tries to get free of Sig's
> crushing hug.

D'awwwwww. <3 Good good, glad he followed up on this.

>  I'm sorry that your friend was really a machine."
> 
> "I guess that is just the biz.  Being a super-hero does not mean stability.

Yeah, valid o3o

> "Well, whatever.  I have to go back and finish the new Roster. I promised it
> would be a Christmas present, so I better do that before the rest of the LNH
> lynches me."

Awwwwww. X>

> "I was taught at a young age just to keep the things that you need.  I know
> people who spend big bucks on comics, which sit around, and are rarely seen.
> It is a waste.

Interesting backstory for Cliche Dude. (It could potentially fit with the 
"raised by a pack of wild golden retrievers" backstory Jeanne came up with. X>)

> "Being a big-time super-hero, you get to know all of the important people.  I
> even met the president once.
<snip>
> "Halls, this is Jill.  You haven't talked to me in the past couple of days.
> Give me a ring when you get the chance, Ok?"
> 
> "Mr. Jordan, this is Net.Roplios Savings Bank.  We are currently missing your
> current payment on your credit card.  Please get in contact with us.  Thanks."

I believe this is what you'd call dramatic irony. X>

> A lone figure stands alone in what looks to be in an abandoned ware-
> house.  He looks around, pointing at a couple of the walls, as if he is
> counting spaces.  After he is done, he spreads his arms out, and quickly
> claps them together.  In an instant, technology beyond mortal men appears.
> Cryo-tubes, advanced computers, and other unknown machinery occupy the wall
> space.

oooooooh ahhhhhhhh. The power of video game crafting. :o

> The beginning figure then swings his cape around to reveal his image. Standing
> on a soapbox, it is revealed that the Fan.Dom of the Alt.Ra is in charge here.

Then he starts singing a villain song about how great he is!

> "I WILL OWN ALL THAT CAN BE OWNED.  FIRST, I WILL HAVE ALL ITEMS EVER CONNECTED
> WITH TELEVISION.  WITH THAT, I WILL CONTROL THE FAN MARKET.  FROM THERE, I WILL
> EXTRACT MY REVENGE AGAINST REBEL YELL.   I WILL NOT EXCEPT DEFEAT!!   I WILL
> BE THE NEXUS FOR ALL FANDOM CAUSE I AM THE FAN.DOM!!!"

See?

> Cliche is stunned to see that the man behind the desk is the television
> actor, Larry Hagman.

Definitely an Idolon. n.n

> "What does the letters P.S. stand for?"
> 
> "I am what they call a mail investigator.  I do work for the postal service
> tracking down chain letters, wrong addresses, and other duties.

*tries to figure out the joke here*

> Larry places the receiver back onto the phone, and scoots his chair over
> the computer terminal that sits next to the desk.  He types for about
> a minute on his keyboard, and a face appears on the screen.  It is the face
> of the Ultimate Ninja.

GASP!

> The beginning of the Eve of Collection...

Dun dun dunnnnn-- wait a minute, this isn't just a reference to the once-popular 
but forgotten 60s protest song Eve of Destruction, it's also a reference to the 
weird right-wing-ish answer song Dawn of Correction? Being a Gen Xer was weird, 
it seems. X>

>              Legion of Net.Heroes -- Deja HULK

Okay, let's see what this is.

>    Kid Kirby smiled.  "I got the idea while watching Star Trek.
> Which reminds me: if the Doomsday Machine were to face the
> Crystal Entity, who would win?"
>    Deja Dude pondered.  "The Doomsday Machine, definitely."
>    Kid Kirby nodded.  "Yeah, I guess so."  He shrugged his
> shoulders.  "Of course, they're both cheap imitations of
> Galactus as created by the great Jack Kirby!"

Wow, this is so not Kid Kirby's voice. X>; Also, not... really? In any 
meaningful way?

>    "Well, Kirby's characters tend to be a bit larger than life."
>    "And what's wrong with that?" Kid Kirby asked towering above
> Deja Dude.
>    "Nothing, really," said Deja Dude.  "It's just that ordinary
> people like myself look insignificant in comparison."

Says the guy who made an author avatar that can literally do anything???

>    Kid Kirby took a fit!  "NO, YOU FOOL!"  He went to deactivate
> the machine.  "Deja, you've been bombarded with gamma radiation!"
>    Deja Dude shrugged his shoulders.  "I didn't feel anything."
>    "Deja, you shouldn't do that!"
>    "Oh?  And what about people who deliberately go out on a hot
> summers day, exposing themselves to ultraviolet radiation?"
>    Kid Kirby shook his head.  "Just because they're stupid doesn't
> mean *you* have to be stupid too!"

So many of these interactions have the texture of talking to someone online who 
thinks they're winning an argument that you're not even having. x-x;

>    Deja Dude wiped cheesecake from his face.  "It was Kid Kirby: he
> kept going on about how great Jack Kirby was."
>    "Jack Kirby IS great!" Kid Kirby insisted.
>    "Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Anyway, I thought I'd play a joke on him."
>    "By subjecting yourself to gamma radiation?" Kid Kirby asked,
> appalled.
>    "No," said Deja Dude, "by unplugging your device and then using my
> you've-seen-this-before powers to make you think it had activated!
> Pretty funny, huh?"
> 
> Kid Kiby and Plot King are not amused.

Me either. X>

Drew "don't wanna complain too much so will probably skip a fair amount of the 
LNH v1 ones" Nilium