LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #276: LNH v1 #1-2

[Arthur Spitzer]

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.

Here's where you can find LNH v1 #1-2 as well as other issues
of the series:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LNH/


And we've got the first two issues of Martin Phipps' run on
Legion of Net.Heroes (Volume One).  The Judas Handshake.
This was around the time we were beginning to see LNH writers
start to do ongoing series (with probably Jameel al Khafiz's
Kid Kirby and Sing-Along Lass being the first of those).

Granted these first two issues were probably a two issue limited
series that eventually became the first two issues of that series.
But this is the first (of many) Flagship Titles for the LNH.

For these first two issues we've got Cliche Lad (not to be confused
with Cliche Dude (and who will eventually get a different name))
crashing the LNH's weekly poker game.  But will
he know when to hold 'em?  And then know when to fold 'em?
And will he know when to walk away and And when to RUN?!


Find out in...



              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #276


                         =====================
                              LNH v1 #1-2
                         =====================







      The Legion of Net Heroes: The Judas Handshake Part I

In the central command center of the Headquarters of the Legion
of Net Heroes, Continuity Champ, Rebel Yell, Ultimate Ninja, Sig.Lad,
Multi-Tasking Man and Obscure Trivia Lad are gathered around their
conference table plotting strategy.

  "I'm in for ten," said Continuity Champ.
  "I'll see your ten and raise you fifty," said the Ultimate Ninja.
  "I fold," said Sig.Lad, putting his cards down.
  "Me too," agreed Multi-Tasking Lad.
  "I think you're bluffing," said Rebel Yell.
  "Obscure Trivia Lad finds this scene very familiar but Obscure  
Trivia Lad can't place it."
  Just then a mysterious figure appeared out of nowhere.
  "Hey, Cliche Lad, are you always going to appear like that?" asked
Continuity Champ.
  Cliche Lad looked crestfallen.  "Say, Champ, the caption says I'm a
'mysterious figure'.  You're not supposed to know who I am."
  "Oh, sorry," said Continuity Champ.
  "Let's try this again from when I appear," suggested Cliche Lad.
  "O.K.," agreed Continuity Champ who looked back down at his cards  
for a moment.  "Who are YOU?" asked Continuity Champ as he looked up.
  "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" yelled Rebel Yell.
  "I'm Cliche Lad and I want to join the Legion of Net Heroes!"
  "O.K., sit down and we'll deal you in with the next hand," said Sig
Lad.
  Cliche Lad shook his head.  "You guys just aren't getting into the
spirit of this are you?"
  "How's that?" asked Multi-Tasking Man.
  "Look, a mysterious figure appears out of nowhere to join your  
group and you don't even ask him what his powers are.  Isn't that a bit
strange?"
  Rebel Yell sighed.  "He's right.  Alright everybody, we'll interupt
the game long enough to initiate Cliche Lad into the Legion."
  "Very well," agreed Ultimate Ninja, "but I want you all to get up
first.  I don't want any of you looking at my cards."
  They all stepped away from the conference table and then gathered 
in front of Cliche Lad.
  "Alright," said Rebel Yell, wanting to move things along, "what are
your powers?"
  "Mine is the power to make anything happen as long as it's already
been done several times before."
  "Sounds like a pretty weenie power," said Ultimate Ninja.
  "You like my power."
  "I like your power."
  "You'll welcome me to the Legion."
  "Welcome to the Legion.  Hey!  How'd you do that?"
  "Simple.  It's been done before."
  "HEY!" yelled Rebel Yell, "That's pretty good."  He was doubly  
pleased because Ultimate Ninja had been embarrassed.
  "Thanks."
  "So," began Continuity Champ, "do you want to join our game?"
  "Well, I don't usually play poker but seeing as how this *is* just  
a story ..."  Cliche Lad nodded.  They all returned to the table.  All  
but Cliche Lad had cards in front of them.
  "Oh, by the way," Cliche Lad said as he sat down, pointing to  
Obscure Trivia Lad, "if you're trying to think of a comic book scene in which
the heroes were playing poker, there is Marvel-Two-In-One #51."
  Obscure Trivia Lad snapped his fingers and pointed at Cliche Lad.
  "O.K.," began Ultimate Ninja.  "The bet was sixty.  Who's still  
in?"
  "I'm out," decided Continuity Champ.
  "Yell?"
  "I still think you're bluffing."
  "Does that mean you're in?"
  It was a test of wills.  Ultimate Ninja's face betrayed no emotion.
This infuriated Rebel Yell who was certain he was bluffing, but, at  
the same time, wasn't sure he could win with the cards he had.  "I fold.
What do you have?"
  Ultimate Ninja placed his cards on the table, revealing a pair of
twos.
  "I KNEW IT!  I KNEW YOU WERE BLUFFING!"
  "Then you shouldn't have folded," said Ultimate Ninja gathering up
the pot.
  "A PAIR OF TWOS!  HOW COULD YOU BLUFF WITH A PAIR OF TWOS?  WHY  
THAT'S ALMOST NOTHING!  HOW COULD YOU JUST SIT THERE AND BET SIXTY ON A PAIR  
OF TWOS?"  Rebel Yell continued this way for some time.  The other  
players decided it would be better if they resumed play when Rebel Yell was  
more calm.
  "Cliche Lad," said Continuity Champ, "how'd you like a tour of  
Legion Headquarters?"
  "That'd be great."
  Continuity Champ then led Cliche Lad through the monitoring room,  
the Peril room, the shuttle bay, the laboratories, the HoloDeckStations, 
the indoor swimming pool, the vault, the prisoner holding area
and the storage room.  Cliche Lad was particularly impressed with the 
storage room.
  "Wow!" he said.  "Do you guy's have Uncanny X-Men #'s 16 or 66?   
Those are the only two issues I haven't read.  It'd be a real laugh 
for me to see how the Original X-Men reacted when the Professor came 
back from the dead."
  "Oh, I'm sure they're here somewhere," Continuity Champ assured  
him.  "I'll go look for them later.  They're bound to be in one of the  
boxes labelled 'X'"
  "Thanks a lot!"
  "No problem."
  Soon, the tour was over.
  "O.K.," began Continuity Lad.  "You can stay in this room.  There's
a small kitchen, a bed, a TV, even you're own PC.  It's an IBM  
though."
  "It'll do," said Cliche Lad, satisfied.
  "Fine, I'll go see if I can find those X-Men you asked about."
Continuity Champ left.
  Cliche Lad waited a few seconds after Continuity Champ had left.   
He then rolled up his right sleeve and took off his watch.  On the  
reverse side was a tiny console screen and a tiny keyboard which Cliche 
Lad activated using his fingernails.  Appearing on the screen was an  
image of Dr. Killfile.
  "Report!" came a tiny voice from the watch.
  "I'm in Legion Headquarters and they've given me access to their
system."
  "Excellent!  You have done well, Cliche Lad.  Now we are poised to
destroy the Legion of Net Heroes!"


      The Legion of Net Heroes: The Judas Handshake Part II

The splash page shows Cliche Lad entering the war room of the Legion
Headquarters.  Sitting at a terminal is Multi-Tasking Lad who is
doing his homework, sending an email message to his parents and
playing a video game.

  Cliche Lad walked past Multi-Tasking Lad and sat at another  
terminal.  He logged on.  Grabbing the mouse, Cliche Lad clicked on the icon  
with the skull and crossbones.  A prompt window appeared.

              ------------------------------------------
              |                                        |
              | Do you really want to deactivate the   |
              | security system?                       |
              |    ------------       -------------    |
              |    |deactivate|       |  cancel   |    |
              |    ------------       -------------    |
              ------------------------------------------

Cliche Lad chose the "deactivate" option.  Another window appeared  
with the words "working ..." followed by "system deactivated".  It was  
done. Cliche Lad then pressed a button on the tiny keyboard hidden behind  
his watch.  This heralded the arrival via teleportation of Dr. Killfile,
Netlurker, Professor Perhap, Table, Plot-Error Man and Y-Plex Burp.
  "You've done well," Dr. Killfile told Cliche Lad, "The Legionaires
will be caught unaware!"
  "I don't think so!" came a voice from off panel.

The next two pages are a two page spread showing Multi-Tasking Man,
Continuity Champ, Rebel Yell, Ultimate Ninja, Sig Lad and Obscure
Trivia Lad ready to attack.

  "How can this be?!" asked Dr. Killfile.
  "It's quite simple," Cliche Lad began to explain.  "As fictional
characters, all you know is the network, but *we* transcend this
reality.  I tipped off the Legionaires by sending them email  
messages!  This whole story was designed to bring you out into the open!"
  "Curse you Legionaires!" Dr. Killfile shouted.  "Don't think you've
defeated us yet!"
  "On the contrary," said Ultimate Ninja.  "If you gave up now, it'd
be kinda boring, wouldn't it?"
  And so the battle was joined by all except for Obscure Trivia Lad  
who found himself pondering in the corner: "Obscure Trivia Lad is sure  
that he's read this same type of story many times before but Obscure  
Trivia Lad can't think of a single example!"

Multi-Tasking Man vs. Netlurker:

  "Give it up, Netlurker!  You can't defeat one who can do homework  
and write email messages at the same time!"
  "Ah, but I can!  You see, *I* too have such power and more!"

Cliche Lad and Ultimate Ninja vs. Professor Perhap and Table:

  Table assumed the shape of an IKEA 40A and was about to fire his
splinters when Ultimate Ninja jumped at him and delivered a  
shattering blow sending bits of particle board everywhere.
  "That's it then," said Cliche Lad, "Table's dead."
  "Perhaps," said Professor Perhaps, "or perhaps Table will be able  
to recontruct himself from his assorted parts" and with that suggestion,
Table reformed.
  "Yes," said Cliche Lad "and perhaps the effort of using your powers
to such limits was rather taxing.  Perhaps the both of you will now
fall unconscious."
  "Perhaps the two of us will now fall ... noooo ..." and sure  
enough, with the suggestion placed firmly in Professor Perhaps mind, 
it came true.

Rebel Yell vs. Y-Plex Burp:

  "This imitation ring of RetConn should be sufficient to put you  
under my power!" said Y-Plex Burp, reaching for Rebel Yell's nose.
  "STOP!" yelled Rebel Yell as Y-Plex Burp was within an inch of  
putting the ring in his nose.  "SSSTTTTOOOPPP!"
  Y-Plex Burp was left drooling on the floor.

Sig Lad vs. (a poorly written :)) Plot-Error Man:

  "You're the weakest of all the Legionaires here!" said Plot-Error  
Man.  "You don't stand a chance against me!"
  Sig Lad didn't like being called weak.  He didn't like it at all.
His powers exceeding their previously established limits, Sig Lad  
beat the crap out of Plot-Error Man.
  "Hey!  That felt good!" he said, standing over the unconscious
Plot-Error Man.

Dr. Killfile:

  "You *still* haven't won!  While I won't have the satisfaction of
destroying you, of wiping you off the face of the net, I can still  
see to it that this whole story never happened."
  "How can you do that?" Continuity Champ asked.
  "Mine is the power to kill files so that they're never seen.  It is
within my power to see to it that this story never gets posted.  And
if it doesn't appear on the net, it didn't happen!"
  "SO, IT WAS YOU!" screamed Cliche Lad.  "You're the one who's been
behind all the problems I've had!"
  "Yes, that's right!  You might as well know now!  So you see,  
there's nothing you can do to stop me!"
  "That's where you're WRONG, Killfile!  My systems been  
reconfigured!
Everything's different!  There's no way you can prevent my files from
being posted.  I'll break them up if I have to but they'll still get
posted!"
  "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Dr.  
Killfile.
  "SOMETHING'S WRONG!" yelled Rebel Yell.  "EVERYBODY RUN FOR COVER!"
Despite everyone's misgivings about Rebel Yell, he spoke with  
authority and was listened to.  Sure enough, his instincts were right: 
an explosion, centred where Dr. Killfile stood, filled the room.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

  Continuity Champ was the first to find his way through the smoke  
and
locate the spot where Dr. Killfile stood.  There was nothing there  
but
scrap metal.
  "Dr. Killfile was an ... android?!" he said.
  "Then this wasn't the *real* Dr. Killfile," suggested Cliche Lad.
  "Or perhaps he's been an android all along."
  "But *somebody* had to have built him!" countered Cliche Lad.
  "YES!" yelled Rebel Yell.  "WHO WOULD WANT TO DESTROY US, TO WIPE  
US OFF THE NET?!"  Rebel Yell's question set a chill down the spine of  
all the assembled Legionaires.
  "We can worry about that later!" Multi-Tasking Man informed them.
"Netlurker's disappeared!  If he accesses our system, he could get us
flamed by the most powerful force in the Looniverse!"
  "Don't worry about Netlurker" came a voice off panel.  It was  
Lurking Girl, dragging the unconscious Netlurker behind her.  "Netlurker  
*did* manage to post a 'Get a Life' post from our system to
rec.arts.startrek.misc but I managed to change our .sig just in time  
so it read 'Just kidding! :)'!"
  "Good work, Lurking Girl!" Multi-Tasking Man said.
  "Then I booted him to the head and he fell unconscious."
  Multi-Task Lad who had just spent many panels battling Netlurker
looked at Cliche Lad.  "Since when has Lurking Girl been so  
powerful?" he asked.
  "Since when have you been so sexist?" countered Cliche Lad.
  Multi-Task Lad looked embarrassed.  "Sorry, you're right.  I'm not
usually like this.  I guess I'm out of character when I'm being  
written by someone new."
  "It's a common problem," agreed Cliche Lad.

  Netlurker, Professor Perhap, Table, Y-Plex Burp and Plot-Error Man
were gathered up and placed in separate cells in the prisoner holding
area.  Obscure Trivia Lad made a point of speaking to Cliche Lad.
  "There's just one thing that Obscure Trivia Lad still doesn't
understand."
  "What's that?" asked Cliche Lad.
  "There are at least five dozen Legionaires.  Why did you only use
seven of us in this story?"
  Cliche Lad shook his head.  "If I had used *everybody* then it  
would have taken me all night just to type the poker scene!"
  They all laughed.

by Martin Phipps


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Next Week:  Hmm... some more LNH Classics -- Perhaps?!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer