LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #275: Integrity Quest The Conclusion
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Feb 12 13:07:24 PST 2023
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find the whole Integrity Quest and well as
Amabel Holland's very nice Integrity Quest Companion, which is
well worth a read:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/
And we've reached the end of Integrity Quest storyline! Doug Wojtowicz
and Hubert Bartels write episodes 21 and Integrity Quest: Aftermath!
Will Lost Cause Boy wistfully wax nostalgic over the John Byrne Glory
Days as he takes on The Down'n'Dirty, Nitty-Gritty Plegmtastic Four?!
And is it time to use the W-Word again?! Is it time for
Those Annoying Crosspost Brothers to start shooting everyone?! And
will Panta have to remind everyone she's not a man?!
Find out in...
_
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ | [] | | [] | | | | [] | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
||
|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #275
=====================
Integrity Quest The Conclusion
=====================
From: U16244 at uicvm.uic.edu
Subject: LNH: INTEGRITY QUEST: The Prefix lives on...
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 21: The prefix lives on...
[Last Issue, we found out that Panta had managed to survive her encounter
with Thunderblot, and Kid Anarky is all alone, while the Legion of Net Heroes
holds a huge party. But Lost Cause Boy, always a posting behind, went rushing
to Panta and Arnarky's rescue while his fight with Ultimate Ninja was left
behind. Now, join us as Lost Cause Boy goes blundering into action not
unlike a certain purple caped duck, only without the big goofy sidekick.]
This issues cover is a blazing chromium cover of Lost Cause Boy, looking around
in confusion, scratching his head, word baloon coming out. "Must be the
twenty-fifth issue. Either that, or our sales are running low."
Lost Cause Boy crashed through the wall of the giant MachineThing(tm) using
the strength of Superman (now a lost cause, due to his picking up a few
back issues.) He flexed, frowning as he looked up and down the hall.
"So, if it isn't the Amazing Lost Brain Boy," DeFacto's voice cackled. "It's
too late to save your friends. They're gone."
"GONE!!!! You fiend! Where are you? I'll keeeeeeeeeeeelll you!" LCB snarled.
The image of Superman left LCB, being replaced by a small, pink dog with
rabbit-like ears.
"Hey! We own the rights to that guy! Give him back!"
"You know DeFacto, your wealth of ignorance astounds me. You don't have
Thunderblot, you don't have your fanboys, and you're threatening me? What
are you going to do? Let loose... the MARMOSETS on me?"
"IT'S CLOBBERING TIME!" a roar bellowed as a wall caved in on the MachineThing.
"Forget that Bum! Let's just kill this creep!" another cry roared. "We're now
the Down'n'Dirty, Nitty-Gritty Plegmtastic Four!"
Lost Cause Boy turned slowly, his eyes going wide. Bum Grime, the Thang,
Crappy Score, the Putrid Blorch, Sneed Bitchards, Mr. Phlegmtastic, and
Lawsuit Bitchards, the Indigestable Woman. He remembered them when they had
their original names, when they weren't parodies of themselves, or being
handled by any hack off the street. He remembered their glory under Byrne and
Simonson, but now...? He reverted to human.
"Oooooooh. That's real good DeFacto. Take MY FAVORITE HEROES, and turn their
mockeries against me, thinking it would break my spirit. But... it only
strengthened me..."
"Hey, you're taking those lines from... where are you getting those lines from?
What are you becoming?" DeFacto asked.
The PF lunged towards LCB, when he suddenly swatted out. They tumbled
backwards under the force of the blow. As they rose to face him, they couldn't
find LCB. "Both Ben Grimm and Sue Richards had themselves taken to the point
where they would be broken like toys. In Thing #4 with the Puppet Master and
in the Fantastic Fours where they tackled Psycho-Man. And you know what?"
The Pleghmtastic Four froze, looking up at the shifting invisibility field
above them, now massive and rocky. "Uh, what?" The Thang asked.
"IT'S CLOBBERIN' TIME!!! NOT CLOBBERING TIME!!!!" LCB squished the Thang as he
landed, but the others were up and attacking, but unable to breech LCB's
invisible forcefield (tm).
DeFacto snarled. "He's all by himself. And I can always summon more hackneyed
characters, like the Unmanned G-Men, and I still have Youngstud, Shadowhick...
He's doomed."
"No, he's not," a cold voice from the pit of hell whispered. DeFacto whirled,
noticing Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman had shown up. "He lied to you LC.
Panta and Anarky are back at LNH HQ. Panta's healing up, and everyone else
is having a party."
"Yeah! Well, what do you expect me to do?" LCB asked. He was being pounded by
the combined remainders of the Phlegmtastic Four.
"Well, you know what I WOULD do if I were you?" The enigmatic woman smiled.
LCB's face bloomed into a smile. "I know what you mean. Ahem...."
LCWDW's smile turned into a frown. "No, wait. I didn't mean..."
"W W W OOOOOOO OOOOOOO DDDDDD Y Y !!!!!!!
W W W W O O O O D D Y Y !!!!!
W W W W O O O O D D Y Y !!!!!
W W W W O O O O D D Y !!!
W W W W O O O O D D Y !!!
W W W W O O O O D D Y
WW WW O O O O D D Y !!!
W W OOOOOOO OOOOOOO DDDDDD Y !!! an' I don't mean Allen."
* * * * * *
Kid Anarky looked longingly at the little plastic graven image of Panta. It
was one of the most popular figures selling, and he could tell why as he
fondled the figure, with its realistic ACTION FUZZ(tm), and anatomical
correctness. He was glad she made it, as he slowly began dancing his own
figure towards Panta.
"Hey Panta, how're you doing?" Anarky asked. "I'm fine you big hulking..."
The alarm lights suddenly began flashing. Anarky dropped the figures, seeing
the horde of party goers lunge for the TransMat tubes. "What's wrong?!? Is it
Table again?"
Ultimate Ninja snarled as he unsheathed his Ginsu Katanas.
"I asked the boy to behave. But does he listen? No."
Anarky took a step back. "Who? What are you talking about?"
"Lost Cause Boy. I warned him. Now, we're going after him," UN snarled.
"Uhhhh," Anarky began, but they'd already phased out. He stared at the
TransMat tube, knowing that his plan would probably mean death for the
Legion of Net.Heroes.
-----
Lost Cause Boy (tm) by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Kid Anarky (tm) by Stephane Savoie
Panta (urtm- unregistered trademark) Hubert Bartels.
Curly/Rochester (tm) by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Rebel Yell (tm) by Scavenger 2099
Ultimate Ninja (tm) by wReam
Jon Crosspost and Those Annoying Crosspost Bros (tm) by Mark Friedman.
Copyright 1994, Hubert Bartels
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I N T E G R I T Y Q U E S T
Reprinting the Integrity Quest books from 1993
Vol 3.5
Lost Cause Boy faces off with DeFacto himself in the
conclusion of the Integrity Quest. Afterwards, Panta,
still recovering from her injuries, has another
mysterious visitor.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: U16244 at uicvm.uic.edu
Subject: LNH: INTEGRITY QUEST: The Prefix lives on...
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 21: The prefix lives on...
[Last Issue, we found out that Panta had managed to survive her encounter
with Thunderblot, and Kid Anarky is all alone, while the Legion of Net Heroes
holds a huge party. But Lost Cause Boy, always a posting behind, went rushing
to Panta and Arnarky's rescue while his fight with Ultimate Ninja was left
behind. Now, join us as Lost Cause Boy goes blundering into action not
unlike a certain purple caped duck, only without the big goofy sidekick.]
This issues cover is a blazing chromium cover of Lost Cause Boy, looking around
in confusion, scratching his head, word baloon coming out. "Must be the
twenty-sixth issue. Either that, or our sales are running low."
* * * * * *
Jon Crosspost finished scraping the fragments of Spitt off the wall, smirking
as he dumped it in the dumpster out behind his apartment. "Actually, I should
thank Lost Cause Boy. Always did wanna use the A-10's main gun in the house."
He looked up, seeing something phase in. He drew a pair of .45 ACP Mac-10's,
aiming at the spot. "Aha! Combat! Blood! Gore! Small children dying (by
the schoolbusload)."
"Wait! I come in peace!" Anarky yelled.
"Die anyways wuss!" Jon Crosspost snarled in unison with his pair of machine
pistols. Anarky barely dodged a spray of automatic fire, hiding behind the
dumpster.
"What am I going to do with this homocidal maniac?" Anarky thought. I
won't even think about using my powers. I know...
"Then I suppose you don't wanna see who's the tougher one? You, or Lost
Cause Boy as Ron Post?" Anarky yelled over the impact of 230 grain slugs
pounding dumpster steel.
"What?" Jon Crosspost asked. "Nobody's tougher than Jon Crosspost?!? Where
is that little dweeb?"
"He's in DeFacto's MachineThing," Anarky said.
"I'll murderlize him," Jon snarled, disappearing.
* * * * * *
Lost Cause Boy ran like hell as the assembled Legion of Net.Heroes charged
furiously after him, tearing the MachineThing to pieces in their quest to do
the same to LCB.
"Hey, was that a plan or what?" LCB asked Last-Chance-Whiner-Destiny Woman,
who was also running.
"Yeah. Now use your Plot Device (tm) and get out of here!" she said.
"I dropped mine. Why not use yours?" LCB asked.
"I don't use one." She answered as she disappeared.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" LCB howled.
Suddenly the attacking horde of Net.Heroes skidded to a halt. LCB looked
back and saw almost a hundred different characters frozen in their tracks
as one figure in black leather stood in front of them.
"Jon! Jon Crosspost!" LCB called.
"JON CROSSPOST! RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the LNH screamed, using
their Plot Devices (tm) to escape.
"Fill your hands you son of a bitch..." Jon snarled.
"I said that you could beat Jon as Ron Post," Anarky said, standing behind
Jon. "Good plan on saving your life, eh?"
LCB glanced to Jon CrossPost, then looked back to Jon and Anarky, changing to
Ron Post mode. "Remind me to kill you later Kid. Personally. Right now, lemme
lead the way," LCB snarled.
DeFacto began packing away his stuff, getting ready to abandon his trashed
MachineThing. First Lost Cause Boy, then the entire LNH, and now, one of
Those Annoying Crosspost Brothers and one of Those Annoying Post Brothers.
Even someone who writes as stupid as he did could tell it was time to leave.
The door blew off its hinges, Jon's MM1-Hawk 12 shot grenade launcher smoking
like a cigarette after a hot night of lovemaking. Rob/LCB held up a weed
whacker, turning it on.
"Hey! Wait! Hasn't he used you enough already?" DeFacto whined.
"You can never have enough Jon Crosspost," Jon cackled, pulling out his
own weed whacker.
"Shall we tell him about what we're got on the strings of these weed whackers?"
Ron/LCB asked.
"Let's," Jon answered. "Intoducing the Toro 900D weed whacker with special
tungsten chord, especially good for slashing down small trees and fiesty
bone in a matter of seconds."
"But that's not all!" Ron/LCB said. "Not only do you have the killer tungsten
weed whacker chord, but we also have dipped them in the worst cauldron of
diseases imaginable. (Boston Bay.) Yes. You've got AIDS, syphhilis, cow
pox, anthrax, diarhea, and postings from Jack Schmidling [some god on the
talk.politics circuit who writes facist, anti-semetic crap].
Defacto cowered in the corner. "Y-y-you wouldn't?"
"Of course not. The Legion of Net.Heroes is a comics code approved universe,"
LCB/Ron said.
"Thank God," DeFacto whimpered.
"That's why we're crossposting to alt.fan.bugtown, so that not only can we
do this, but you'll survive and return to hassle the LNH and get chewed up
more of the same," Jon said with gleeful carnage in his eye. "[That, and it
also allows me more time to play with you myself when you regenerate your first
couple of times.]"
******************************************************************************
THE PASSAGE THAT WOULD NORMALLY BE INTRODUCED HERE HAS BEEN EDITED BY EVEN
THE FANS OF MATT HOWRATH IN ORDER THAT IT NOT INDUCE HELLISH VOMITING IN
COMPUTER LABORATORIES AROUND THE NATION. NEEDLESS TO SAY THAT ALL WHO
HATED DEFACTO WILL BE PLEASED TO LEARN THAT THE TRIP TO ALT.FAN.BUGTOWN WAS
SUCCESSFUL.
*****************************************************************************
Lost Cause Boy finished hosing himself off with the steam hose, feeling alive
and refreshed.
Jon Crosspost shook his hand. "You know, I'm starting to like you. For a
goody-goody superhero, you're not as much as a wuss as I thought."
"Thanks," LCB said. "I think. Who knows. Maybe next time, we'll team up and
kill off Stan Lee in three or four different universes for what he wrote in
Ravage 2099."
"Sounds good. I saw it. Looks like a rip-off of Howrath's bugtown,"
Crosspost said.
With that, the master of mayhem returned to alt.fan.bugtown, ready to play with
his new toy.
Anarky looked over LCB in disgust. "Well, with all that mayhem, Panta's out of
the hospital. But we're no closer to finding Writer-With-Integrity."
"Hmmm. You're right. That means this series will go on for several more
issues just so we can tie up this storyline."
(NO! NO! YOU WON'T! YOU CAN'T! I'M HERE! I'M HERE! SEE!!??!!)
"Crap, it's another one of those parentheses boxes," Anarky said, kicking it
over.
"No, wait! Read it. We found him! He's no longer a prisoner! He's freed!"
They began hugging each other, jumping up and down when Panta hobbled out.
"No wonder neither of you two ever laid more than a finger on me," she muttered
looking at the pair.
The pair of male net.heroes broke away from each other and chuckled like
Elmer Fudd.
"We found Writer-With-Integrity," Anarky said.
Panta's face lit up. "Wait a minute, why's that parentheses box running down
the block?"
LCB stuck out his chest, nobly, looking into the sunset. "WWI is a man with
a mission. He has a comics universe to clean up. Someday, in the far future,
when all comics are quality once more, he will return and settle down. But..."
(Bullshit! I'm just bugging out because I saw Electrocutioner's Song, and
I quit! I'm outta here!)
"Kind of anti-climactic," Panta purred. She looked at her watch. "Darn, we're
due in the Comic Conspiracy any minute now. By KA."
"But... what about the team we made?" Kid Anarky asked.
Lost Cause Boy waved him towards them. "Come on! All we need is a fourth
member and we'll fill the void of the Fantastic/Phlegmtastic Four."
"Someone called?" Rochester asked. They looked to him and jumped for joy.
LCB managing to cop a feel on Panta.
"Rochester! You're back!" Panta cheered. "Now we can be..."
"The name is no longer Rochester," Rochester said.
"Then what is it?" everyone asked, wincing at the thought of the name.
"Well, I don't know. But I don't wanna be Rochester," Rochester said.
"Then what?" everyone asked.
"And why are you wearing a wig?" LCB asked.
Rochester pulled off the wig. It was a complete buzz cut, only the shadow
of scalp stubble visible. "Now and forever, I wish to be called... Curly!"
"Pick out two," Anarky began.
"Now I know what we can call ourselves without copyright infringements!"
LCB cheered.
"What?"
"The Four Stooges!"
"We'll really get respect then," Anarky said.
"Did you have a power transplant with Sarcastic Lad?"
"How about, the Four Horsemen!"
"I'm not a man," Panta said.
"How does Four Horsepersons sound?" LCB asked. "We'll talk about it later.
Now come on. We're late for my other storyline," LCB said as they faded out.
Lost Cause Boy (tm) by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Kid Anarky (tm) by Stephane Savoie
Panta (urtm- unregistered trademark) Hubert Bartels.
Curly/Rochester (tm) by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Rebel Yell (tm) by Scavenger 2099
Ultimate Ninja (tm) by wReam
Jon Crosspost and Those Annoying Crosspost Bros (tm) by Mark Friedman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: hgb at catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu (Hubert Bartels)
Subject: Integrity Quest: Aftermath
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - aftermath: THE AFTERMATH....
[ In our next to last issue, Panta narrowly escaped death. Kindly Dr Boring,
of former villianous fame, operated on her. She's been in a hospital bed,
propped up by a pile of pillows, healing. In the last issue, Lost Cause
Boy has brought her the news that Defacto was defeated and sent to
alt.fan.bugtown. This afternoon, Kid Anarky has gone off to find something
for her to read. Kindly Aunt Comic-Relief is acting as nurse and companion.]
This issue has Panta on the cover, lying in a hospital bed. Her
eyes are huge, as if she had a very nasty shock. In the front of the cover
is a silhouette, but one can not tell who it is.
"Comfy, my dear?" said kindly Aunt Comic-Relief.
Panta nodded. She sighed and laid back against the pillows. The
fight had taken alot out of her, in addition to the cracked ribs, internal
bleeding, and collapsed lung. Now, Panta's furry breasts and stomach were
covered in layers of bandages. She dreaded the day when they'd have to
come off; would ripping the bandages fast or slowly be more painful? And
just how much fur would she loose?
"Do you think that nice Kid Anarky will be long?" kindly Aunt
Comic-Relief asked.
"Probably," mumbled Panta. She pulled her tail back underneath the
covers. "I gave him a lot of stuff to look for..."
"Good." Aunt Comic-Relief said in a deeper, more manly voice. She
slowly stood up and dropped her knitting on the hospital room floor. With
one hand she pulled a Beretta M93R out of her apron and the other, she
pulled off her frizzy grey wig. "Please don't get upset."
Panta shrunk deeper into the pillows.
Aunt Comic-Relief snapped out the Beretta's folding stock, chambered
a round and pointed it at the door. Then she pulled off her face, revealing...
"Defacto!" Panta barely got out.
"Yes, Panta, It is I, Defacto."
"But..." Panta stammered. She sunk deeper into the pillows and
pulled the covers up to her chin as if that would give her some protection.
"I had to talk to you as soon as possible, leopard girl." Defacto
began. "I had a visit from Ferral yesterday. You remember Ferral, don't you?"
"The felinoid, now working in X-Force under a slightly different name?"
"That one. Well, this may come as a shock to you, but she is your
mother!"
"..." Panta said in her best manga style.
"She knew that as an unwed mother, she'd never work in comics again,
so once you were born, she carried you into the tunnels under New York and
gave you away to be raised."
"I never knew my mother..." Panta said slowly. "So, why tell me now?
What did Ferral tell you yesterday?" Panta spoke in a disbelieving voice.
"She told me that I am your father!" Defacto said simply.
"No. No. Nononononononononono...." Panta shouted. "That's not true!
That's a lie! You liar! I'm going to rip you from sternum to cavicle." She
lunged forward at Defacto's figure only to collapse in pain. "Besides, you're
supposed to be dead or in alt.fan.bugtown, or something." She lay doubled
over on the bed, gasping.
Defacto straightened up and laughed gently. "So soon did you forget
that your father is an EDITOR! A few strokes of the pen and bugtown became
a evil undying mutant island, ready to be cleaned out by X-Factor and Uncanny
X-Men in a 16-part crossover starting next February." He laughed again and
reached toward Panta. He pushed Panta back into the pillows and tucked the
sheets around her. "You must take better care of yourself. Do it for your
father. And Ferral..."
Panta, from the depths of her pillow, smiled wanly. "But we freed
the Writer-With-Integrity. Doesn't that bother you?"
Defacto adjusted and fluffed up Panta's pillows. Then he took Panta
by her warm furry paw and gently held it. "I'm not worried, pumpkin. He'll
scurry off to some place like Image and sink without a trace." Another smile.
"If the readers really wanted Writers-With-Integrity, do you think we could
get away with the pulp we sell? Think about it, my little leopard girl..."
"So it was really a LOST CAUSE from the start?"
"Yes, it was a LOST CAUSE... Ah, I'd better go. Someone might twig
onto the fact that Aunt Comic-Relief was plastered all over the walls of the
PerilRoom several weeks ago. Here, give your father a kiss, and I'll be off."
Defacto reached over and kissed Panta gently on the forehead before walking
into a room that Panta could have sworn was a linen closet.
"Panta, look what I bought!" Kid Anarky burst through the hospital
room door. "See, it's the latest LNH action figure! It's Cliche Dude. And
when you pull its string, it talks. Listen."
He dropped a minature Cliche Dude on Panta's bed and pulled the
string. 'I'm the kind of animal that'll do anything to win.', the little
figure intoned.
"Isn't it neat?" Kid Anarky asked. "Panta? Panta, what's the problem?
You look all pale underneath that face fur. Why are you staring blankly
like that? Panta? Panta?"
'Time to take them down.' said the toy Cliche Dude.
[ So, Panta's learned who her father is. What will she send Ferral for a
Mother's Day present? Maybe a LNH action figure? Or a LNH T-shirt? In
the next issue, we start a completely new LNH story. Until then, keep
buying those LNH action figures.]
Lost Cause Boy (tm) Douglas P. Wojtowicz, Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie,
Panta (Defacto x Ferral) Hubert Bartels. Ferral - looks like a certain
copyrighted character whom I'm not allowed to mention.
And for all you Net.Patrol fans, I'll mention once again that this
story spins-off into the Lost Cause Boy Specials, the Vertical Plain: Ascent
to Nothing series, and Tales of the LNH. Copyright 1994, Hubert Bartels
----
Hubert Bartels INTERNET: hgb at catalina.opt-sci.arizona.edu
Optical Sciences Center (602)-621-2032 FAX: (602)-621-4416
University of Arizona Surf the Famous springs of Jyushenkyou!
Tucson, AZ, USA 85721 It'll change your life!
==========
Next Week: Hmm... Taking President's Day Off?
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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