REPOST/LNH: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch #4 out of 4: Beyond Heaven and Hell
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Thu Dec 21 15:02:38 PST 2023
This Holiday Special is brought to you by:
Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch Action Figures: Now you can
have fun recreating the Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch
mini-series in your own home! The set includes Dying-of-Disease-Little
Girl, Santa Claus-Strapped-to-a-Nuclear-Warhead, Namer Boy,
Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, Treesus Lyce, and of course Cauliflower!
Money: Money. The more you have the more powerful you are! The more
you have the happier you are! If you had no money you would be on the
streets cold, starving, and rummaging through dumpsters! Money. You
need it. You need it bad! Money. This has been a public service
announcement brought to you by The Church of the Mammon Worshippers.
And now...
The JONG Company proudly presents:
CAULIFLOWER THE CHRISTMAS MIRACLE POOCH
#4 (out of 4)
Beyond Heaven and Hell
The Incredible Man-With-No-Life flipped through another magazine. It
was an issue of Net.tion.al Geo.graph.GIF. It had a big cover story on
Andale Atoll. There were pictures of the Andale Atoll beaches filled
with bikini-clad tourists sunbathing. There was also an interview with
Acton Lord in it. It was a pretty cheesy interview. Acton Lord went on
about the corruption of environmental protectionism and also slammed
Sig.Lad and the LNH. There was a lot of stuff in the article about
Robot Invasion. How old was this magazine? The Incredible
Man-With-No-Life looked at the cover. July 1994. Damn. That would
have been around the time of Retcon Hour. God, these magazines were
old. Hell, they probably weren't even in continuity. One of these days
he was going to have to tell someone to buy some updated magazines for
the waiting hallway. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life put the magazine
back in the magazine pile and picked another. Off in the distance, he
could hear the sound of Captain Clean-up's vacuum cleaner.
Occultism Kid returned yesterday with the Pinecone from the One True
Christmas Tree. A pinecone that would, according to legend, heal anyone
who believed in The Power of Christmas. Right now Organic Lass, Dr.
Stomper, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid, and Vapid Veterinarian were in a room
trying to save Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch with that very
pinecone. And of course they would, wouldn't they? They had to. This
was a Christmas story. And that's how Christmas stories worked. They
always had a happy ending. Then again, this might be one of those
cynical postmodern type Christmas Stories, which deconstructs the whole
Christmas story genre. And if that was the case who knew what would
happen. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life sighed. This waiting was
killing him. He couldn't keep it up anymore. He wanted Cauliflower to
either be cured or dead. Something absolute. Something that resolved
all of this.
And after awhile, The Incredible Man-With-No-Life got that resolution.
Organic Lass, Dr. Stomper, Kid Kirby, Occultism Kid, and Vapid
Veterinarian all walked out of the room together. Each one except for
Kid Kirby looked exhausted.
"Well? Did it work?" asked The Incredible Man-With-No-Life. "Did the
pinecone work? Is Cauliflower all right?"
At first none of them answered. And they probably didn't need to answer
since the grave defeated look on each one of their faces answered the
question. Finally, Kid Kirby spoke. "Our will was strong, Incredible
Man-With-No-Life, but..." Kid Kirby gave a pause as if he really didn't
want to finish what he'd been saying. Finally, he did finish. "But the
Writer -- The Writer's will was stronger."
And somewhere, Captain Clean-up's vacuum cleaner filled the empty
silence with noise.
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There he was. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life saw the body on the
examining table. Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch's lifeless
body. He was dead. A few hours ago, he had been alive. But now? He
was dead. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life lightly brushed the fur on
Cauliflower's head with his hand.
"I'm sorry." The voice came from Occultism Kid who also was standing
there. "I must have picked the wrong tree. I must have. I thought it
was the right one. Should have searched longer."
"It's all right, Occultism Kid," The Incredible Man-With-No-Life
responded. "You tried. You went to Hell, and tried. Maybe there was
no tree. Maybe it was just a myth."
"Maybe. Hopefully, you're right. Just don't know." Occultism Kid
scratched his head.
"You know?" The Incredible Man-With-No-Life said looking at Occultism
Kid. "There's always one thing I wondered about Cauliflower. Where he
came from. We never found that out. He never talked about his past."
"I've got all kinds of sources in the Occult world. I'm sure they could
dig something up if you want," Occultism Kid suggested.
"It's tempting, but.." The Incredible Man-With-No-Life shook his head,
"Cauliflower wanted his past to be a secret. I don't know why he wanted
it to be, but he did. As much as I'd like to know, I've got to respect
that secrecy. Maybe he had good reasons for his secrets. Or maybe
there were some skeletons that Cauliflower didn't want us to know about.
Maybe Cauliflower was some kind of supervillain who had committed
horrible crimes and he came to Net.ropolis for some kind of redemption.
Or maybe not. I don't know. He didn't want us to know his past and
we have to respect that. Because of what he did."
"Yeah. You're probably right. Although as a betting man, I'd say that
his past was probably cleaner than most people, IMWNL."
There were a few seconds of silence as the two heroes stared at their
fallen comrade. Then the Incredible Man-With-No-Life resumed the
conversation. "You know. Considering all of the things Cauliflower did
while he was here, you would almost expect him to just rise up from the
dead. Don't you?"
Occultism Kid put his hand on The Incredible Man-With-No-Life's
shoulder. "Don't think so. I don't think that's going to happen, IMWNL."
"Yeah. You're probably right," The Incredible Man-With-No-Life said
petting Cauliflower one last time. "You're probably right."
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Christmas Day
"The Brotherhood of Net.Villains sends their condolences. Out of
respect for Cauliflower they will refrain from attacking the LNH and
Net.ropolis for one week," Kyoko Ishikawa said reading a message pad in
her left hand.
"Yeah, right. I believe that," the Ultimate Ninja said rolling his
eyes. "I want surveillance doubled on all their members."
Kyoko scribbled something on a sheet of paper. "Oh, and there are these
two cults. One called the Church of the Living Cauliflower. The other
the Church of the Miracle Pooch. They both are requesting that the LNH
hand over Cauliflower's body over to their specific churches."
"That's just great. Well, tell them that they're too late. We already
handed Cauliflower's body to the Cult of the Cauliflower Pickers."
"We did what -- ?" Kyoko did a double take before she realized that the
Ultimate Ninja wasn't being serious. "Oh. I see. So where is this
'Cult of the Cauliflower Pickers' located?"
The Ultimate Ninja rubbed his chin as he thought about it. Finally he
answered, "Hmm. The Northpole sounds like a good location."
"The Northpole. Gotcha. Oh, and Oliver Stone called. He wants to
examine Cauliflower's body."
"Oliver Stone? Okay, this ought to be good. Explain to me why the hell
Oliver Stone wants to examine Cauliflower's body."
"Well, he's doing this film about Cauliflower and has this theory that
the CIA had Cauliflower assassinated to prevent him from becoming the
next President because they were afraid of his secret plan to end the
war in I.Racc and create a lasting Middle East peace. He also believes
that the Russians and Chinese may also be involved. And maybe even some
Space Aliens. Oh yeah, he's calling the film, 'The Passion of the
Cauliflower'. So what should I tell him?"
"Tell him we already handed Cauliflower's body over to a group of Space
Aliens with Russian accents. And tell him I want a refund for
'Alexander'. God, I can't believe this. Both Sig.Lad's and Lost Cause
Boy's deaths were picnics of sanity compared to this! Every goddamn
world leader wants to be at Cauliflower's funeral. We're even getting
ambassadors from outer space! Is it just me, or is all of this starting
to get totally ludicrous? He was a dog for God's sake! He was just a dog!"
Kyoko shook her head. "He wasn't just a dog, UN. He was Cauliflower."
"You're right. I'm sorry. He was Cauliflower. I guess I'm stressed
out. With the media swarming outside -- It's been a tough morning,
Kyoko. This is the worst part about being leader of the LNH. Arranging
funerals for members. I hate it. Every single time I hope it's the
last one. But I know it won't be." The Ultimate Ninja clenched his
fist as if he had a great desire to hit something. But there was
nothing to hit. "God, I hate it."
Kyoko nodded her head. There was silence for a few seconds before the
Incredible Man-With-No-Life entered the lobby and broke it.
"Umm, Ultimate Ninja? You wanted to see me?" asked the Incredible
Man-With-No-Life.
"Yes," the Ultimate Ninja said turning to face the Incredible
Man-With-No-Life. "I want you to do something for me. You know the
girl that Cauliflower saved? Misty Summers? Well, she and her family
are coming to the LNHQ at noon today. I want you to meet them and talk
to them."
"Me?" the Incredible Man-With-No-Life said in a shaky voice. "Why me?"
"Look. Normally I'd do this myself, but this is going to be a really
busy day for me. Not only do I have to help with managing the funeral,
but there are also a number of LNH crises taking shape. Apparently a
bunch of sentient snowmen have overthrown the Canadian government."
"Really? When did that happen?"
"Umm, not sure. Two weeks ago I'd guess. And well the LNH probably
should do something about it. Plus there have been rumors that Manga
Man has been trying to destabilize the economy in various fanfiction
newsgroups in a power grab attempt. I've got to send some teams to
check it out. If it's true we might be on the brink of a large
inter-newsgroup war. Hopefully we can stop it before it reaches that
point. So, it's going to be a busy day and I need you to do this for
me. Of all the LNH'rs you knew Cauliflower the best, so I figured you'd
be the best person to do this. Besides -- not like you've got anything
better to do, right?"
"Umm, yeah. I guess."
"Good. They'll be here at noon. You probably should comb your hair, or
something. Well, goodluck." And with that the Ultimate Ninja left the
lobby to go wherever LNH leaders go to when they have busy days.
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The Incredible Man-With-No-Life looked at his watch. It was noon. Why
was the Ultimate Ninja making him do this? Why couldn't he have given
this job to Catalyst Lass or Special Bonding Boy? There were good at
this sort of crap. What was he going to say to them? What could he say?
He glanced at the LNH's doorway. There was a guy and a woman in their
thirties walking through it. And he saw the guy holding the door open
for someone who he recognized. Misty Summers. She was looking a lot
better than she had when he'd seen her last. Still, she didn't look
very happy to be here. She looked nervous. Well, guess I'd better go
meet them, the Incredible Man-With-No-Life thought to himself.
"Hi, there. I'm the Incredible Man-With-No-Life. You must be Misty's
parents, right?"
The woman gave a large smile. "Yep. I'm Mindy and this is Mike -- my
husband." The man also smiled and waved his hand. "We just want to
thank you and the LNH for inviting us here."
"Well, you're certainly welcome. So, I take it Misty's feeling a lot
better?"
"Oh, it's just amazing what's happened. I just don't know where to
begin. We can't even begin to thank you for what you've done for our
daughter."
The Incredible Man-With-No-Life began to look a little uncomfortable.
"Well, you shouldn't be thanking me for it. It was Cauliflower. He was
the one who cured your daughter."
"Yes. Cauliflower." The name seemed to sober up whatever happiness
there was in the room. "I wish we'd had a chance to thank him. When we
heard the news -- it was devastating. It's been a strange week. On one
hand our daughter is healthy again, but on the other hand... It's
painful watching anyone die. Back when we had to watch Misty -- it was
horrible. There's nothing worse than watching your own child waste
away. And there's a point where you start to give up hope. Prayers
become meaningless. You start to wonder what color dress you're going
to bury your... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..." A tear started to
stream down one of Mindy's eyes. Mike went over and comforted her.
"Misty's alive. She's alive. God. It's like a dream. Sometimes I'm
afraid it is a dream. Sometimes..."
"It's not a dream, Mrs. Summers. It's real," the Incredible
Man-With-No-Life said in a reassuring voice. "Would you like to see
Cauliflower's room? We shared a room and it still has quite a bit of
Cauliflower's stuff still in it."
"We could do that," Mike Summers said. "What do you think, Misty?
Would you like to go see Cauliflower's room?"
"I guess," Misty said in a not very cheerful voice looking away from
everyone.
"Well, okay," the Incredible Man-With-No-Life said starting to head
towards the LNHQ hallways. "You should probably stick close to me. The
LNHQ is a very weird place. Sometimes hallways and rooms disappear and
walls appear out of nowhere."
Suddenly, as if to illustrate that point, they heard someone shouting
something.
"Gang way, folks! I'm going for the world's record!" The voice was
Bad-Timing Boy's who was balancing on one hand on a bicycle that was
barreling through the hallway at incredible speeds. The Incredible
Man-With-No-Life quickly grabbed Misty's arm and pushed her to safety
from Bad-Timing Boy's out of control bicycle.
"Dammit, Bad-Timing Boy!" The Incredible Man-With-No-Life looked at
Misty. "Are you all right?"
Misty nodded her head although her heart was still beating rapidly.
The Incredible Man-With-No-Life looked around. There were no signs of
Bad-Timing Boy or Misty's parents. "Look. It's okay. Your parents are
somewhere in the LNHQ. I've got a comm.thingee back in my room. We can
use it to contact someone to go find them. Okay?"
Misty gave another nod as her heart rate returned to normal.
As they entered his room, the Incredible Man-With-No-Life clicked on his
comm.thingee. "Multi-Tasking Man? There are two normals somewhere in
the LNHQ. Mike and Mindy Summers. They're probably with Bad-Timing
Boy. I want you to get someone to find them and bring them to my room.
Oh yeah, tell them their daughter's fine. Thanks!" The Incredible
Man-With-No-Life clicked off his comm.thingee. "Your parents will
probably be here in a few minutes."
"This is Cauliflower's room. Also mine. The Ultimate Ninja was too
cheap to give Cauliflower his own room so we became roommates. There,
that bed," the Incredible Man-With-No-Life said pointing to a very small
bed, "That was Cauliflower's. You see that gigantic card on that wall?
That's a trophy from when Cauliflower teamed-up with Elvis Man and
saved Las Vegas from being destroyed by the Robot with Lawrence Welk's
Brain. And this..." The Incredible Man-With-No-Life picked up a very
small skateboard. "This was given to him by the California Kid.
California Kid designed it himself. Here," the Incredible
Man-With-No-Life said as he handed the skateboard to Misty to look at.
"And there?" the Incredible Man-With-No-Life pointed to a large
collection of CDs. "That's Cauliflower's Neil Diamond collection. God.
He had every single album that Neil Diamond ever made. Cauliflower
loved Neil Diamond almost as much as he loved eggnog. God." The
Incredible Man-With-No-Life picked out one of the CDs. The CD was
called Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show. "I really hate Neil
Diamond. But sometimes -- sometimes I miss it. The way Cauliflower
would come back to our room sometimes after a long grueling day of
saving the world and he would just crank that Neil Diamond up on the
stereo. I miss that." He put the CD back into its place on the rack.
"Miss that."
"I'm sorry," Misty said with a sad expression on her face.
Her voice brought the Incredible Man-With-No-Life back to the present.
"Sorry? For what?"
"For killing Cauliflower." Misty's eyes started to well up.
"No! Don't say that. Please? You didn't kill Cauliflower. Don't
think it. Here," He said as he helped Misty on to his bed. "Sit down.
And I'll try to explain. You see..." He looked at Misty and then he
looked at a big Neil Diamond poster on the wall.
"Cauliflower was the type of dog that if he saw something was wrong with
the world, he had to change it. Even if it were impossible, he would
try his hardest to make it possible. Sometimes no matter the cost he
would try. I don't know. I guess that day he saw you in your sick bed
-- he knew it was wrong. He had to change it. He had to stop this
little girl from dying and was willing to do whatever it took. He knew
the risks. But he still he had to do it. That was Cauliflower. He
wouldn't be Cauliflower if he didn't try to save us all. Don't feel
guilty, Misty. Cauliflower wanted you to live a long happy life.
That's why he did it. He wanted us all to be happy."
"Is he in heaven?" Misty asked.
"If there is one, he's there."
Misty looked directly into the Incredible Man-With-No-Life's face.
"What if there's no heaven?"
The Incredible Man-With-No-Life paused as if he wasn't sure what to say.
Then he finally answered. "I -- He lives in our memories. He lives
in our hearts. He's always going to be there. Cauliflower's always
there somewhere. He's the part of us that refuses to give up when
everything looks bleak. He's the helping hand to those that need help.
He's our compassion and forgiveness. He's the part of us that
believes you can fight City Hall. He's the fire in all of us that will
never stop burning. He's there somewhere. You can't completely kill
him because what Cauliflower stands for -- it's more powerful than any
disease -- than any wound or poison. Do you understand what I'm saying?"
Misty looked at the big Neil Diamond poster. "I think so."
There was a knock at the Incredible Man-With-No-Life's door. "That must
be your parents. So, you feel all right? You want go to the LNH
Cafeteria and try some of Cheesecake Eater Lad's Christmas cheesecake
and some eggnog?"
"Yeah," Misty nodded her head and a tiny smile emerged on her face.
"That sounds okay."
The Incredible Man-With-No-Life opened his door. Mindy Summers gave her
daughter a big hug. The Incredible Man-With-No-Life picked up
Cauliflower's skateboard off his bed and placed it on Cauliflower's bed.
He paused for a bit as he looked at room. For a brief moment an image
of a tree popped into his mind. A Big Tree. Weird.
And then he joined the Summers in the hallway and shut the door behind him.
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Somewhere.
Somewhere there is a fire that never stops burning. There are voices
that never stop screaming. It's a place of misery and guilt. And
somewhere in this place there's a tree. A tree that never stops growing.
A glorious tree bigger than any tree there has ever been. A tree that
is stronger than any fire. Any disease. Any venom. It grows and
grows. Demons try to chop it down, but no axe can chop it. It grows so
large that not even Hell can contain. Its branches crack through Hell's
barrier and all the demons in the world cannot stop it from rising.
Their hate is useless against it. It grinds their hate and transforms
it into love.
Beyond Hell it stretches into Purgatory. And it grows and grows. Into
our dreams it grows. Into our hearts it grows. It goes beyond and
beyond. Nothing can stop it.
Finally one day, the tree grows so big that it reaches the Halls of
Paradise. It stretches into Heaven. But it doesn't pause. It just
keeps growing and growing. Not even Heaven can contain its beauty. It
grows and grows. It cracks through Heaven's barrier. Nothing can stop
it. It keeps growing and growing. It rises up towards the lands beyond
Heaven. It refuses to stop growing. Into the beyond it goes.
And somewhere a demon curses. "Goddammit!!! Who the *Hell* gave that
damn tree water!!!!"
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Credits:
The Incredible Man-With-No-Life is Enrique Conty's
Ultimate Ninja is wReam's
Organic Lass is Rebecca A. Drayer's
Bad Timing Boy is Vernon H Harmon's
Kyoko Ishikawa is Ken Schmidt's
Kid Kirby is Jameel's
Occultism Kid is Josh Geurink's
Vapid Veterinarian is Mark Friedman's
And I put Namer Boy, Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad, Treesus Lyce, and The
Robot with Lawrence Welk's Brain into the Public Domain since I can't
imagine I'll ever use them in another story.
Author's Notes: I'd just like to add that as far as the whole Name the
Christmas Miracle Pooch contest went, my favorite name was Rob Rogers's
Doctor Apocalypse. I was tempted to give Cauliflower that name because
it would have been hilarious to have a little girl wanting to pet Doctor
Apocalypse. But I decided that since I was going to kill the dog, it
would be best that I name the dog. That way I wouldn't have to deal
with a pissed off Rob Rogers after killing the dog that he named. Also
it would have involved rewriting some scenes, which I was too lazy to
do. So there you have it. That's why the dog is named Cauliflower and
not Doctor Apocalypse. Besides Rob Rogers wins too many contests anyways.
I've always wanted to write a Christmas Story and a story filled with
tons of LNH characters. Hopefully, it turned out okay. I tried to do
something different from the typical Christmas Carol ripoff. This is
more of a Charlie Brown's Christmas ripoff with the Peanut's Gang going
to Hell to save Snoopy. Fuzzy is Lucy. Pocket Man is Charlie Brown.
Self-Righteous Preacher is of course Linus.
This story is dedicated in memory to my dog, Pepper, who died last year.
Pepper was kind of the opposite of Cauliflower in terms of morals.
Pepper had no problem stealing candy from babies, cheating at cards, and
biting people. And he really hated children with a passion. And I
don't think he liked Neil Diamond. But still. He was a great dog.
This story's for you, Pepper.
Pepper Spitzer
1987 - 2004
Arthur "Song Sung Blue" Spitzer
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