LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #297: LOST CAUSE BOY SPECIAL #1

[Arthur Spitzer]

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.


And here's where you can find both Lost Cause Boy Specials:


https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Miniseries/Lost.Cause.Boy/




And another Integrity Questers Miniseries!  

And it's the Lost Cause Boy Special #1 by Doug Wojtowicz!  Will
the Band finally get back together?!  Will Lost Cause Boy sign some
contract with his Shark-Finned Agent and totally not regret it?!
And what is that hulking mass emerging from the horizon?!  Is that
-- SPOONSDAY?!!  And if this be SPOONSDAY -- then can FORKSDAY,
KNIFESDAY, PLATESDAY, NAPKINSDAY -- and dare I say it -- SPORKSDAY
be far behind?!!!




Find out in...



              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #297


                         =====================
                       LOST CAUSE BOY SPECIAL #1
                         =====================








Ok. *thpppt*  Here's the Saga of LCB:



[External pages, outside the cardboard cover, drawn on the same normal
cover paper, no cover apparent.]

"Oh hell.  If everyone else is getting their own series, why don't you
get one yourself?" Shark-Finned Agent said, leaning over Causie as he
sat, reading his Byrne Fantastic Fours.

"Because, I'd rather be with a bunch of friends, rather than galavanting
around the Universe on my own.  After all, I'm a sociable type," Lost
Cause Boy answered.  He kept on reading, turning the comic sideways for the
first of the Negative Zone story run.

The Agent frowned. "You mean you don't want to be a part of your own
comic book legends?  You don't want yet another Chromium cover?  You don't
want a chance to pound Self-Righteous Preacher and Comics Speculator Lad
into their component food groups?"

Causie looked up. "Nah.  I'm not a megaviolent sort.  Only when I take on
the spirits of violent characters."

"But these guys split you apart from that sweet, innocent, beautiful, lithe
young Panta..."

Causie held his comic in trembling hands, brow furrowed with intense worry.
He must not.  He must not sell out.  Anarky Quest was a bloated failure.  The
attempt to start another storyline was dead now that Anarky and Panta were
taking forever to continue their parallel plotlines, and he was sitting
here bored, waiting for the new writer to come on, one who wouldn't
graduate in a mere few days... (he hoped).  But the bit about Panta really
made him start to sweat.

Shark-Finned Agent leaned closer to Causie's ear, a large, toothy smile
filling his mouth. "Think of the Crossovers.  Think of the revenue.  Think
of the Action figures that will come out of the series.  Causie and Panta,
together..."

"No!  That's what got me in trouble in the first place!" Causie shouted.

"Than how about this?  A John Byrne/Walt Simonson collaboration on a two
part mini-series?" the Agent asked.

Causie's reserve melted. "But they're both Writer/Artists..."

"Byrne does one story's script, Simonson does the other's, and they trade off
on artwork."

Causie floated in the air, clenching his hands together.
"Joooooooooyyyyyyyyyyyyy."

"Is it a deal?"

"Yes," Causie replied, signing his name to the contract.

[Super Chromium/Titanium three-dimensional relief, prismatic cover with
holographic background of Lost Cause Boy, holding an American Flag and
his satchel of comic books, grinning from ear.]

LOST CAUSE BOY SPECIAL #1: THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CAUSIE
Script by John Byrne, art by Walt Simonson, plot by some hairbrained pollack
over in Chicago.

Causie skipping along, happy as a clam, looking at his Simonson drawn
surroundings and the layouts. "Ohhh man, this is GREAT!  Who needs Panta
and Anarky and Plymax and Curly..."

Causie sitting down, moping. "I do.  Oh, hell.  If the Avengers can have
concurrent storylines while Cap, Thor and Iron Man are going through their
own, then I can call them in too.  John?  Walt?  If you please?"

Causie standing with Kid Anarky (tm) Panta (tm withheld) Curly (mt)
and Pliable Lad (tm), in the center of LNH HQ, a two page splash, all of
it done in Magnificent Simonson pencils with Terry Austin inks, with the
little dinosaur in the corner.

"Wow.  Man, this is great.  I'm in  Walt Simonson artwork," Anarky said.
"Even my old grey frumpy costume looks good.  But doesn't this take
time out of Vertical Ascent?"

"Nah!" Causie answered. "You see, while experimenting in the lab, I found
that the LNH flight thingies also have multiple plot transporter/duplicators.
It was simplicity itself to modify the system to summon you."

"Oh Ree... er, Causie," Panta said, "That's great!  So, what are we supposed
to be doing?"

"Er, uh, John?  You know what we're doing?"

(Sorry, but we really have no plot.  This is just a special team up for
no apparent reason- like the one Walt did with Frank over at Dark Horse.)

"Ohhh.  Seems a shame to waste this huge two page splash, though.  And what
does the title..."

Shark-Finned Agent lunged out of the background, smiling, rubbing his fins
together. "Great!  I just got word that we have signed up DeFacto again,
and Those Annoying Crosspost Brothers.  We can make this into a super
wrap-up epilogue of Integrity Quest."

"Really?" Causie asked. "But why the Crosspost Brothers?"

"Uhhh, Causie, DeFacto sort of took over alt.fan.bugtown," Panta said. "He
turned it into a bad Genosha clone."

"God.  How hideous.  That entire storyline itself was sucky," Anarky said.
"We'd better go save Bugtown."

Panta leaned towards Causie. "Uh, why is MikE's character not doing anything?"

"Well, we kind of agreed not to do anything to Pliable Lad for the sake of
keeping him in character continuity," Causie answered. "Right Pli?"

"Right Causie," Pliable Lad answered.  He followed the others along when
he felt his Flight-thingie continuity device start to slip.  The others turned,
and suddenly, there was just an image of him in the air, like in the Crawling
from the Wreckage storyline, only computer colored very tackily.

"He's been Imaged!!" Anarky yelled. "Run!!!!"

The trio of heroes began racing down the corridor, trying to outrun the
grimacing hack pictures chasing after them.

"I thought Hackman was dead!" Anarky yelled.

"No!  He was only taken to bugtown... and you know..." Causie said as
a large, bulbous head bounced off of Anarky, squashing him like a bug.

"Anarky!!!" Causie yelled.  He turned and saw the head again.  It was Curly.
Pulling Panta to his side, he turned on the flight thingie and avoided
Curly. "Cripes.  Hackman, and that's probably Acton Lord..."

"Hey, you got the name right," Panta said.

"It's like everyone I've ever battled is out to get... me?"

Panta looked up, her jaw going slack in terror as Self-Righteous Preacher
and Comics Speculator Boy stood at the end of the catwalk, both armed with
comic poly-baggers.

"Uhhhh, Causie, just who is this Agent of yours?" Panta asked.

"Well, didn't you scent him out?" Causie asked as they started running,
black bags with bleeding S's on them shooting past.

"Uhhh, no.  Byrne probably forgot to allow me to do it," Panta answered.

"Come to think of it, this really doesn't sound like a Byrne script, and the
backgrounds have disappeared," Causie said.

"Oh no.  False advertising.  You're in deep stuff now," Panta answered.
"This is Leifeld artwork!!!"

Causie looked down at himself.  Moments later, a huge cannon appeared in his
hands, and his eye started to glow.  He dropped the cannon. "No!  I'm turning
into a Liefeld hero!!!"

"Hold on!" Panta shouted.

"Uh-uh," Causie said. "I'm shutting off the multi-continuity field.  I can't
allow you guys to get sucked in."

Neat splash page with Panta fading away, reaching out to Causie, her word
balloon trailing off. "Cauuuuusssssiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"

Causie sighed, watching her teleport to safety. "Well, it was a fun plot device
while it lasted."

"As is this contract," Shark-Finned Agent replied. "Would you care to read it?"

Causie grabbed the contract, looking it over. "I... blah blah blah bla blah,
rip off Toxic Avenger Three in the title... blah blah blah blah blah, have
one of those really schmaltzy covers... yeah yeah, and work for someone
who writes like John Byrne and draws like Simonson... small print reads on
Mescaline... none other than Hackman, the Fanboy Artist..."

Causie put down the contract. "You fiend.  Who are you?  Who do you work for?"

"Take a flying guess," Agent answered, smiling.  Painted across his teeth was
DeFacto's name.

"Don't lie to me.  It's painted all over your face!" Causie shouted. "The jig
is up!"

Causie reached down into his bag and felt only... polybags.  He looked down
and pulled them out, dozens, all of them, bagged in polystyrene.  He saw
Comics Speculator Lad blowing on the barrel of his bagger. "Try using your
powers on pre-bagged comics."

He tugged at the plastic on one of the issue, and felt the comic crumple
underneath.  He released it, and looked at it.  The poly-bag would tear,
but he'd also destroy the comic book.  He was helpless.

"How dare you even think of sexual thoughts you heathen!" Self Righteous
Preacher declared.  More scowling zombies raced from another direction.
Harras was riding Curly's mutated head, the indentation of Anarky's body
still on his chin.

(Note: Anarky, except for a weird feeling of deja-vu, suffered no effects
from the plot digression.)

"Alright, even without my comic books, I can beat you.  How?  I don't have
the slightest idea.  But defeat you I shall," Causie said.

"You want an unbagged comic book?  Here's one," Speculator Boy said, tossing
him a book.

On instinct (and plot necessity) Causie reached up and grabbed it, pulling
it down to see a cape with a large Z on it, attatched to a pole amidst
wreckage. "Oh no, the death of Zuperman issue!  Not the death of Zuperman!"

Causie looked at it. "Hey.  Nothing's happened.  Great.  Maybe I can find
something.  Even a Tribune with Calvin and Hobbes..."

The enemies all started to pull back, smiling as they did so.

"Ut-oh... I thought we already parodied the death of Superman issues.  What's
going on?"

Self Righteous Preacher snapped out of it, turning to Speculator Lad. "Oh
my gosh.  Not again.  We've got to get Dave VanDomlen to put a leash on
Acton Lord.  That was what was responsible for our actions in Panta
#1."

"Yes.  Indeed.  We must make up for our transgressions," Speculator Lad. "But
how?"

The shadow loomed over the pair of net.heroes.

Scene change: Causie walking along, amidst Net.tropolis.  A body comes
flying and splatting down at his feet.

"Speculator?" Causie asked, kneeling down. "Specs, are you..."

"Sorry about... cough >blood< Panta.  Wasn't our fault, was Acton Lord."

"B-b-but who did this?" Causie asked.

"A demon more powerful than any we've ever faced.  Spoonsday!"

With that, Speculator Boy collapsed into a coma.

"Spoonsday?" Causie asked. "Oh no.  Not... but how?"

Shark-Finned Agent presented the contract again.  Causie took it and
read it.

"I hereby pledge also to stage a hokey death in order to boost sales
at the hands of a hack hulking monster with no real plotline or story,
to be revived later at someone else's whim."

Causie threw down the contract again. "You said this was two issues!
And I refuse to allow myself to be killed for some cheap marketing ploy!
I'm Lost Cause Boy, and I don't even have my own back issues from
Hubert of the Integrity Quest!"

"I know.  But they're coming, and look."

Causie looked up.  All he saw was a black sky, done up on polystyrene.  His
heart sank. "Oh no.  I'm dead, wrapped in plastic!"

"Not yet," Agent replied. "You could merely allow the entire destruction
of Net.tropolis, and the Legion of Net.Heroes by simply not acting.  After
all, you are the only one allowed by the plot line to stop Spoonsday."

"You bloody bastard," Causie snarled. "My credibility will be shot to hell.
But, I can't allow the rest of the LNH to die because I want some
integrity."

"So... do you agree to die the death of dogs?" Agent asked.

Causie picked up the contract, sneering. "Give me that comic book."

As the Agent turned, Causie reached down and managed to bite open a Post
Brothers issue, tucking it into his pants.  He withstood the urge to look
like Ron Post, accepting the death of Superman issue.  His heart filled
with mortal dread as he opened it, placing his hand on Superman's chest
insignia.

"It is done.  Now, we kill you," Agent replied.

Causie leapt into battle, seeing Spoonsday tearing his way towards an
orphanage full of frightened children.  He grabbed Spoonsday and held him
tight. "First, we make a visit to alt.fan.bugtown."

"Urh?" Spoonsday grunted.

****************************************************************************

DeFacto smirked as he watched Causie begin to grapple with Spoonsday.
"Great.  My deadliest enemy will now be slain, unable to continue his quest
for integrity.  Even if he is revived, all hope of Integrity will be forever
lost.  A truly Lost Cause."

Suddenly, the screen blanked out.  The newswoman appeared on the screen.
"Apparently, Lost Cause Boy and Spoonsday have disappeared from alt.comics.lnh,
and Net.tropolis appears to be safe.  But where did they go?"

DeFacto put down the cigar and beer, his immense pot belly holding the ash tray
up. "Yeah?  Where did he go?"

"Right here DeFacto.  Why waste non-regenerating property?" Causie asked.

DeFacto screamed...


Lost Cause Boy (tm) by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Pliable Lad (tm) Mike Escutia.
Panta (tm pending) Hubert Bartells.
Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie.


NEXT ISSUE:  THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CAUSIE CONCLUDES!  CAN OUR HERO
WRIGGLE OUT OF HIS CONTRACT?  WILL HE DIE?  WILL HE BE BROUGHT BACK?  WILL
CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE EVER TAKE SOME VALIUM?  WILL PANTA AND ANARKY  EVER GET
THEIR STORYLINES FINISHED BEFORE THE WRITER LEAVES SCHOOL FOREVER?

BE HERE FOR LOST CAUSE BOY SPECIAL #2:

CRAWLING INTO THE WRECKAGE!


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Next Week:  Some more Integrity Quester Action!!!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer