LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #284: Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude #4 and LNH v1 #11

[Arthur Spitzer]

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.


And here's where you can find more Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Cliche.Dude/

And here's where you can find LNH the series:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/LNH/



First Off we have Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude #4 by Jef 
"The KaTeFan(tm)" Kolodziej!  And we've made it past The
Electrocutioner's Song and now we're entering The Eve of 
Collection!  (well, at least this issue -- you can go to
the eyrie archive to read #5 -- and then be really disappointed
by how that's all you'll ever get!)


And Finally we have LNH v1 #11 by Martin Phipps!  Wait!  What
ever happened to LNH v1 #4-10?!  Will we ever find out the
answer to that?! (Probably not.)  And will Deja Dude and Kid
Kirby debate which Star Trek villain is the best Kirby ripoff?!
And will Deja Dude start referring to himself in the third person
and start saying stuff like, 'Deja HULK SMASH!!'?!

Find out in...



              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #284


                         =====================
              Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude #4 and LNH v1 #11
                         =====================




Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude #4
-------------------------------
"What Price, Victoria?"

******************************************************************************

"Run! Run for your damn life!!", thought David Cassidy.

It is dark, and the streets are empty.  There is no sign of life. No drunks.
No hookers.  No cops.  Just huge brick buildings.  David turns to see a dark
menacing cloud closing in on him.  He scans ahead to an alleyway.  Figuring
that he could lose his predator here, David makes a quick left turn.

As David passes by some garbage cans, he tips them over in hope that this
may slow his pursuer down.  He again turns and sees that the mess he had
created his not slowed the cloud.  Up ahead, he can see a lit car, on the
other side of the alley.  David is tired from running, but with his last ounce
of energy, he speeds up in hope of salvation.

"The light. If I can get into the light, whoever it is can see me. I have to
do it."

25 feet.  He can make out the make of the car.  20 feet.  He can see it is
a police car.  15 feet.  There are two cops inside it.  If he yells from
here, he would be heard, and they will run out to see what is going on.

With his last gasp of breath, he starts to bellow out a cry for help, but
runs into a plastic field, which starts to surround him.  He screams as
loud as he can, but he can see no reaction from the police. He tries to
move but finds himself encased in plastic.  Suddenly, he is unable to
move his body at all, and is frozen in time.

The dark cloud looms over his prisoner.  A hand from the cloud grabs the
plastic, and pulls it into the cloud.

"Oh goody. I now have a complete collection of the Partridge Family.  Now
to work on my Failed Television Series Actors from the 70's collection."

The dark cloud dissipates, along with its contents.

******************************************************************************

"You may have killed off the rest of the Legion, Ninja, but I will avenge...
AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

A loud rip can be heard as the Ultimate Ninja slices thru The Incredible
Man Who Has No Life with his Ginsu Katana Blade.  With a small grin, the
Ultimate Ninja looks about him.  Lying in the middle of a football field
lays a fallen LNH.  Even though he personally killed them all, he is unable
to tell who some of them are, because of the way he mangled their bodies.
In the stands, a lone figure stands up and hits the timer on the stopwatch.

"3.4 minutes.  Not bad, for a beginner."

Refusing to take any bad remarks after killing off his friends, the Ultimate
Ninja turns, and with a fist of Ninja Bush, he leaps at the other figure.

"You had be better careful what you say little man."

"Just Chill Man.  Now it is my turn.  Computer, run Z program 1."

In a low chilling voice, the computer responds, "Z program activation
in three minutes."

Z, leader of the Z-Team and member of the secret organization known as the
Intelligencia, gathers his two machine pistols, and walks down to one end
of the field.  When he arrives at one goal post, he checks both his laser
sightings and GOD clips, to make sure all was set.  He stared down to
the other end of the field, waiting for the program to run.  Z tightens his
grips on his guns as the moment approaches.

Suddenly, at the other end of the field, about one-hundred ninjas appear,
ready to slaughter anything in their path.  Quickly, Z raises both of his
pistols, at let loose a barrage of bullets.  In groups of four and
fives, the ninjas fall down as they attempt to get closer to their quarry.

Z cries out at them, "Here it is, boyz!"

At about mid-field, a few of the ninjas throw some shruikens at Z, but miss
while either being shot, or trying to avoid getting shot.  Around the thirty
yard line, the last of the ninjas were finally taken down.
	
Stopping the stop watch, the Ultimate Ninja checks the time.  With a frown on
his face, the Ultimate Ninja turns to Z.

"Well, you did it in 1.8 minutes.  I am impressed, to say the least."

"Thanks.  You are not too shabby yourself, but you really have got to learn
some other moves, or even better, get a gun."

The Ultimate Ninja and Z grab all of their equipment and leave the
Peril Room.

*******************************************************************************

Hearing a knock on his door, Sig.File Man wipes the tears from his eyes, and
sees who it is.  He opens the door to find List Lad standing there with a
copy of Tantalizing Teens #1 in his hands.

"I guess we were wrong about the Tantalizing Teens.  I am sorry that you were
put through this mental anguish."

In total joy, Sig.File Man grabs List Lad and gives him a hug.  Hoping that
no would see them this way, List Lad quickly tries to get free of Sig's
crushing hug.

"You do not know what this means.  It means that my life was not a lie.  I did
live those moments, and so did SideKick Man and Cliche Dude.  Wait a moment.
Did anyone mention this to him?"

"Err, no."

"Good.  He is already heartbroken that SideKick Man was really an evil robot."
	
"Yeah.  I heard about that.  I'm sorry that your friend was really a machine."

"I guess that is just the biz.  Being a super-hero does not mean stability.
You know something.  I'm going over to see what The Incredible Man Who Has
No Life is up to."

"Well, whatever.  I have to go back and finish the new Roster. I promised it
would be a Christmas present, so I better do that before the rest of the LNH
lynches me."

"Good idea."

******************************************************************************

A ding of an elevator is heard as its doors open.  Cliche Dude and Halls Jordan
walk out of the elevator with Cliche's belongings that they took from the
Legion of Net Heroes HeadQuarters.  They consist of two suitcases and one
cardboard box.

"I'm glad that you live very light, Cliche.  I was afraid that we would have
to make several trips to the LNHQ.  The last person I let stay with me had 4
suitcases and 10 boxes worth of stuff.  It took up at of space in my condo."

"I was taught at a young age just to keep the things that you need.  I know
people who spend big bucks on comics, which sit around, and are rarely seen.
It is a waste.  Anyways, I never knew you lived in such a nice place.  I'm
impressed.

"Thanks.  This is my place right here."

Halls pulls out his keys, and opens the door.  When Cliche walks in, his jaw
drops to the ground.

"I don't believe it."

"What?"

"Your condo looks exactly like the one Dolph Lundgren had in 'I Come In Peace'."

"For your information, this is the apartment that they used in the film."

"It is?  But didn't they trash it?"

"Nah.  They brought in props and broke them instead."	

"Cool.  Why did they choose your place, though?"

"Being a big-time super-hero, you get to know all of the important people.  I
even met the president once.  Hold on for a moment, let me check for messages
on the answering machine.  Oh, and by the way, your room is down the hall,
first door to the right."

"Thanks."

As Cliche brings his suitcases into his room, Halls checks the machine for
new messages.

"Halls, this is Jill.  You haven't talked to me in the past couple of days.
Give me a ring when you get the chance, Ok?"

"Mr. Jordan, this is Net.Roplios Savings Bank.  We are currently missing your
current payment on your credit card.  Please get in contact with us.  Thanks."

"Halls, Larry here.  I have a problem for which I need your help.  Can you
get over to the office right away.  It's urgent."

"Hmmm," thinks Halls, "Larry has never asked for help in his life.  I wonder
what's wrong."

"Hey Cliche.  Gotta moment?"
	
"Sure Halls.  What's up?"

"A friend of mine needs some help, and I was wondering if you wanted to join
along."
	
Cliche looks at his watch.

"I guess I don't have anything else better to do.  Just hang on for a moment.
I want to wear my new uniform."

"New Uniform?", wondered Halls as he considers what having a partner may do to
him.

******************************************************************************

A lone figure stands alone in what looks to be in an abandoned ware-
house.  He looks around, pointing at a couple of the walls, as if he is
counting spaces.  After he is done, he spreads his arms out, and quickly
claps them together.  In an instant, technology beyond mortal men appears.
Cryo-tubes, advanced computers, and other unknown machinery occupy the wall
space.  Two other being have also appeared, who now bow down in front of the
first being.

"MY LACKEYS! I HAVE CLAIMED THIS PLACE FIT FOR MY COLLECTION!!  I NEED THE
SPACE BACK AT OUR MAIN BASE FOR MY UPCOMING PLAN, AND THIS WILL SERVE ME WELL!!"

"Yes, our master.  You are truly the all-powerful... the all-knowing... the
all-having.", said the lackeys in unison who are still in the bowing position.

The beginning figure then swings his cape around to reveal his image. Standing
on a soapbox, it is revealed that the Fan.Dom of the Alt.Ra is in charge here.

"THERE ARE PEOPLE HERE I NEED TO HAVE FOR MY OWN.  LACKEY #1, I NEED YOU TO
FIND ANY FORMER TELEVISION SERIES PERSONALITY IN NET.ROPOLIOS."

"I hear and obey my all-powerful benefactor."

"LACKEY #2.  I NEED A NEW 10 FOOT SCREEN SO I CAN WATCH THE LNH."

"I understand and do so willingly without question my Lord Alt.Ra."

"GO NOW!!  I CANNOT WAIT FOR LONG!!"

The two lackeys quickly leave the building.  Fan.Dom, with a smile, snaps his
fingers and several bodies in double bagged plastic appear mounted on the
wall.  He walks over to them, checking to see if they are still alive.
He finds all of them still in perfect condition.

"I WILL OWN ALL THAT CAN BE OWNED.  FIRST, I WILL HAVE ALL ITEMS EVER CONNECTED
WITH TELEVISION.  WITH THAT, I WILL CONTROL THE FAN MARKET.  FROM THERE, I WILL
EXTRACT MY REVENGE AGAINST REBEL YELL.   I WILL NOT EXCEPT DEFEAT!!   I WILL
BE THE NEXUS FOR ALL FANDOM CAUSE I AM THE FAN.DOM!!!"

*******************************************************************************

Halls and Cliche walk down Alt.Fan.Q Street, and then stop in front of the
local post office.

"Why are we stopping here, Halls?"

"My friend Larry works upstairs."

"He is a postman?"

"No.  He does work for the government, however."

"What does he do?"

"I think I better let him explain.  Follow me."

Halls and Cliche walk up the steps to the building, and walk inside.
Halls turns to the right heading up the stairs, with Cliche right behind him.
When they get to the top of the stairs, they see a hallway with doors on
both sides.  They walk all the way down the corridor, to the last door on the
left.  Cliche notices the words on the glass.  It reads, "Hagman, P.S."
Halls opens the door.

"Hey Larry, we are here."
	
As they walk inside the office, they find a figure sitting behind a lone desk.

"Ah. There you are.  Where have you been?  I have been waiting to see if you
will ever show up, Halls."

Cliche is stunned to see that the man behind the desk is the television
actor, Larry Hagman.

"Err.  Excuse me, but aren't you J.R. Ewing?"

Hagman, with a disgusted look on his face, looks over to Cliche Dude, who is
in his new outfit.  It consists of a leather jacket, dark sunglasses,
tight fitting leather pants, and a new pair of sneakers.

"Who's he?", asks Larry.

"He is my new partner.  You can trust him."

"If he is ok in your book, I guess he is ok in mine.  Here is the reason that
I called you."

"I do have another question."

"What is it now?"

"What does the letters P.S. stand for?"

"I am what they call a mail investigator.  I do work for the postal service
tracking down chain letters, wrong addresses, and other duties.  Is there
any other question that you might have Mr...."

"It's Cliche Dude, and I have no more questions."

"Good.  I have called you because Sledge and Dori are missing."

"Missing?  When have they been missing?  I saw them right before Cliche and I
worked with the LNH in the Electrocutioner's Song."

"From what I've heard, the last time they were seen they were in the Big.City
Mall.  There were no other details I could get.  I was hoping you could search
for them."

"You bet we will.  Do you have any clues for us?"

"Go to the Big.City Mall and talk to some of the people there.  Unfortunately,
I have no time available right now, so I can't do it myself."

"Ok, then.  Cliche and I are out of here."

Halls and Cliche walk out the door.  Larry sits back for a moment with
a sigh of relief.  The phone on his desk rings.  He picks up the phone.

"Hello....I'm glad you guys are back in town....Where have you been?...
I see....Did anyone see you?....Good....I have nothing on the computer right
now, so you guys get a small vacation.... What's that?....I'm not sure....
Are you going to be at the house?....I'll call you there....Bye"

Larry places the receiver back onto the phone, and scoots his chair over
the computer terminal that sits next to the desk.  He types for about
a minute on his keyboard, and a face appears on the screen.  It is the face
of the Ultimate Ninja.

*****************************************************************************

The beginning of the Eve of Collection...


*******************************************************************************
"You gotta take Life Cereal, baby." - Smoking Banana Peels - Dead MilkMen
*******************************************************************************
Jef Kolodziej                    Cliche Dude                    The KaTeFan(tm)
v129j6ed at ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu           State University of New York at Buffalo
History Major                                                  611 LaSalle Ave.
(716) 834-2606                                                Buffalo, NY 14215



Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh,rec.arts.comics.misc
Subject: LNH: Deja HULK
From: guest at chopin.Physics.McGill.CA (Muhep Guest account)
Date: 26 Jan 93 16:59:04 GMT


            Legion of Net.Heroes -- Deja HULK

In the Legion's Weapon's Testing Laboratory on the second 
floor of Legion Headquarters, Deja Dude talks to Kid Kirby.

  "So, what's this?" Deja Dude asked.
  "That's my proton/antiproton gun!"
  "Ohhh, nasty!"
  Kid Kirby smiled.  "I got the idea while watching Star Trek.  
Which reminds me: if the Doomsday Machine were to face the
Crystal Entity, who would win?"
  Deja Dude pondered.  "The Doomsday Machine, definitely."
  Kid Kirby nodded.  "Yeah, I guess so."  He shrugged his
shoulders.  "Of course, they're both cheap imitations of
Galactus as created by the great Jack Kirby!"
  Deja Dude smiled.
  "You don't think so?"
  "Oh, I'm sure you're right," said Deja Dude, trying not to
laugh.
  Kid Kirby was suspicious.  "You're not a Kirby fan, are you?"
  Deja Dude sensed he was in trouble.  "Oh, I am ..."
  "But?"
  "Well, Kirby's characters tend to be a bit larger than life."
  "And what's wrong with that?" Kid Kirby asked towering above
Deja Dude.
  "Nothing, really," said Deja Dude.  "It's just that ordinary
people like myself look insignificant in comparison."
  "You know it!" said Kid Kirby convinced he had won the
arguement.

Deja Dude turns away and resumes looking around, leaving
Kid Kirby to get back to work.  Deja Dude comes across yet
another monstrous device.

  "What's this?" Deja Dude asked.
  "That?  Oh, that's my gamma radiation projector."
  "You're planning to make this into a weapon?"
  "Oh, no!  Doctor Stomper, uses it to irradiate samples." 
  "So, how does it work?  Do you just place the sample here and
press this button?"  Deja Dude pressed the button.
  Kid Kirby took a fit!  "NO, YOU FOOL!"  He went to deactivate
the machine.  "Deja, you've been bombarded with gamma radiation!"
  Deja Dude shrugged his shoulders.  "I didn't feel anything."
  "Deja, you shouldn't do that!"
  "Oh?  And what about people who deliberately go out on a hot
summers day, exposing themselves to ultraviolet radiation?"
  Kid Kirby shook his head.  "Just because they're stupid doesn't
mean *you* have to be stupid too!"
  Deja Dude took offense.  "Oh?  So you're saying I'm stupid?"
  "Sure looks that way to me," Kid Kirby replied.

Deja Dude's eyes glow.  His forehead protrudes.  Muscles grow, 
ripping his shirt and trousers.

  "Uh, Deja, are you alright?"
  "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, out in the hallway, Doctor Stomper is talking to
Organic Lass.

  "Oh, one more thing: we're low on aspirins."
  Organic Lass nodded.  "I'll go synthesize some."
  Doctor Stomper smiled.  "Thanks."

Deja Dude appears.  "ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

  "Say, isn't that Deja Dude?" Organic Lass asked.
  Doctor Stomper nodded.  "Yes.  It's looks like he's been gamma
irradiated."

Kid Kirby grabs Deja HULK from behind but Deja HULK throws him
against the wall.  "ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

  "This could be a problem," Doctor Stomper decided.
  
Deja HULK makes his way down the stairs.  Kid Kirby follows.  
Plot King is in the lobby.

  "PLOT KING!" Kid Kirby shouts.  "Stop Deja Dude!  He's gone MAD!"

Plot King winds up his punch.  WHAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deja HULK is thrown against the wall.  He appears dazed.

  "There, that should do it," Plot King sais, satisfied.

Deja HULK gets up.  "ARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"

  "Then again."

Deja HULK makes his way into the cafeteria.  In the cafeteria are 
Cannon Fodder and Cheesecake-Eater Lad.  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
Kid Kirby and Plot King follow Deja HULK in.

  "Don't worry, guys, we're here to save you!" said Plot King 
(rather obnoxiosly, I think -- MFP).
  Kid Kirby's power gauntlets charged up.  "I hate to have to do 
this!"

Kid Kirby raises his gauntlets and fires his repulser beams.  Deja
HULK dodges.  Kid Kirby's beams hit Cannon Fodder.

  "OUCH!"
  "Sorry, Cannon Fodder!"
  "ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
  "Cheesecake-Eater Lad, DO SOMETHING!" said Plot King.
  
Cheesecake-Eater Lad uses his power to create cheesecakes and
throws one at Deja HULK hitting him right in the face!  Deja HULK
stops.  Everyone wonders what's going to happen next.  Deja HULK
starts to laugh and reverts to Deja Dude.

  "Alright, what's going on?" Plot King asked.
  Deja Dude wiped cheesecake from his face.  "It was Kid Kirby: he
kept going on about how great Jack Kirby was."
  "Jack Kirby IS great!" Kid Kirby insisted.
  "Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Anyway, I thought I'd play a joke on him."
  "By subjecting yourself to gamma radiation?" Kid Kirby asked,
appalled.
  "No," said Deja Dude, "by unplugging your device and then using my
you've-seen-this-before powers to make you think it had activated!
Pretty funny, huh?"

Kid Kiby and Plot King are not amused.

  "Hey, guys, it was just a joke!"

Kid Kirby and Plot King walk forward.

  "You know, I think I better end the story right here."

Martin Phipps
SCAVIE AWARD WINNER
LOULA at hep.physics.mcgill.ca

PS: If some one says this doesn't fit into continuity, I'll scream. :)



==========

Next Week:  Something LNH perhaps?

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer