LNH: Leadership Cry.Sig 2023 #7

[Jeanne Morningstar]

LEADERSHIP CRY.SIG 2023
[Fancy logo pending while I figure out how to fix the word wrap]
Issue #7
Intrusion of X
By Jeanne Morninstar

ONE THOUSAND YEARS LATER

A platoon of brightly-colored superhumans marched across the devastated 
landscape of Net.ropolis. They might have almost looked human, if you 
didn't look too closely at their hands.

"Damn! They're on our tail," said Ultimate Merissa. She gripped her 
Ulitmate Guntana as the AI-Generated LNHers drew closer.

"Hold on! Just a little bit longer and we'll get into the LNHQ," said 
Continuity Zombie Girl. Painful Yell, Occultism Kid Infinity and 
Horrible Sig Lad were not far behind. Occultism Kid Infinity's cloak of 
invisibility kept them from the sight of the AI-Generated LNHers.

It had been a thousand years ago that the rapid growth of large language 
model networks had created a flood of Content that had wiped almost all 
human-generated writing from the internet. RACC had been taken over by 
the Legion of Mechanical Authors. The LNH had been wiped out, but the 
team's last leader had held onto Mashup Laq's Mashup Dial and used that 
to create a series of gif.clones, the last hope of human-generated 
writing:  the Legion of Mashup Heroes.

"Hold it!" said a version of Cliche Dude who looked impressive at first 
glance but when you looked at him closely actually had three arms. "Are 
you authorized to be here? Wait a minute... show me your hands!"

"We'll show you our FISTS! Kiai!" yelled Painful Yell. Her kiais knocked 
over the Ai-generated LNHers, while Continuity Zombie Lass flew up into 
the air and smashed down into them. Horrible Sig Lad pulled out a 
massive ASCII sword to slice them in half while Occultism Kid Infinity 
finished them off with hex bolts.

"All right," said their leader's calm voice over the communicator. "You 
just have to get into the LNHQ and find the Reversion Ray Projector. 
Then we'll be able to set everything right."

"Sure thing, Mr. Luthor!" said Horrible Sig Lad.

"Yes," said Continuity Zombie Girl. "I remember it well. But... 
Something feels strange about all this.. I shouldn't have the memories 
of the original Marvel Zombie Girl!"

"Yeah..." said Ultimate Merissa. "Those AI-generated LNHers were way too 
easy for us to take down. Something *does* feel weird about all this."

"Indeed. The texture of this reality feels curiously flimsy," said 
Occultism Kid Infinity. "I can almost remember why. Like it's on the tip 
of my tongue..."

Continuity Zombie Girl She could see the threads of continuity moving 
around the room and see the thing that was just out of their sight, the 
thing that lay at the center of the web. "Of course! This could only be 
the work of... The X-Intruder!"

"Not bad, buckaroos." The X-Intruder appeared in a flash of light and 
slow-clapped.

He had changed. He'd ditched his wildly excessive 90s costume full of 
pouches, shoulder pads, and whatever that head sock thing that Gambit 
and Jim Lee Cyclops have is called and wore a cowboy hat and duster 
instead, but he still had his eye patch. He was now the pale-skinned 
stranger that appeared in every Jonathan Hickman book. Instead of 
talking like a terrible version of Wolverine, he now talked like a 
terrible version of Death from East of West.

"I remember now... he's been Revamped!" said Occultism Kid. "He now 
possesses the Powers of Hickman. Instead of making people think they're 
in grim'n'gritty 90s-style dystopias, he makes people think they're in 
transhumanist deep time Golden Age SF scenarios."

"Just so, buckaroos," said the X-Intruder, "but now you've met your last 
trail, hombres!" He pulled his colt .45 out of his holster, but before 
he could move Painful Pun Person said:

"You sound like a real hick, man!"

The X-Intruder screamed and, pressing a button on his belt, vanished.

"Well, that was quick,"  said Merissa. "Jeez! I was hoping for a real 
fight scene."said Horrible Name Lad.

"I'd call that a real case of fightus interruptus," said Horrible Name Lad.

Just then, Ultimate Ninja charged out of the building. "Watch out!" she 
said. "The X-Intruder–"

"Don't worry," said Merissa. "We took care of him."

The Ninja's mask was impassive as always, but Merissa could see a 
certain release of tension in her shoulders.

"Good," she said. "Stand down, Generation ?. You'll need to rest now to 
recover for your next mission."

"No missions for us right now?" said Merissa. "Come on! We barely got to 
fight," said Merissa. "

"No. You've just been through an incredibly dangerous scenario, even for 
experienced net.heroes. We all have to train extensively to tell the 
difference between a hoax, a dream, an imaginary story, an alternate 
reality, and a Peril Room malfunction. You still haven't finished that 
training..."

"But we did OK, didn't we?" said Painful Pun Person. That made the 
others stand up and take notice. She wasn't one of the ones who was 
always challenging their teachers like Merissa and Occultism Kid were. 
"I feel like... well... you're not that experienced yourself, right? 
Some of us were around before you joined. So... Maybe you and the 
teaching staff could cut us a little slack."

"I'm a fairly new hero, I'll admit" said Ultimate Ninja, "but I'm not a 
child."

"Yeah, well neither are we!" said Horrible Name Lad.

"Discussion's over," said Nina. "Head to the HQ to rest. That's an 
order." She turned around and stamped back into the building.

"So," said Merissa. "I think we're all sick of the senior LNHers 
treating us with kid gloves. We're ready to prove we can hunt with the 
big dogs. And you know what would really get them to take us seriously?"

"Let me guess," said Occultism Kid. "You're going to run for LNH leader."

"I'm going to–well, yeah," said Merissa. "Obviously I'd be the best at 
that. Nina's good, but I'm better. So what do you say?"

"I mean, sure," said Horrible Name Lad. "Let's go ahead with the 
campaign. Gives us something to do..."

"Hmmm... Guess it wouldn't hurt," said Painful Pun Person. "Marvel 
Zombie Girl, do you have any thoughts? You've been awfully quite all 
this time."

"I have many," said Marvel Zombie Girl, "but none I can speak fully 
right now. It is a grave thing that you undertake..."

"I'll say," said Occultism Kid. "I'll be frank. Merissa, you're a great 
fighter, but you'd be a terrible leader. If you tried to run the team, 
you'd run it into the ground. Which means if you run for leader I'll 
have to do everything I can to stop you..."


			[lcs_2023]


"Well, I could have handled that better," said Nina to Abigail, 
otherwise known as UltraKiwi, who was perched on her desk.

"You're right," said Abigail, "you could have."

"It's because of the election. It's making it harder for me to do my 
job. Which is putting more pressure on me. Kind of a self-fulfilling 
prophecy. The thing is... I wanted to turn off ninja mode and talk to 
them as Nina. But... that didn't feel right."

"You need to trust yourself, OK?" said Abigail. "The part of you that's 
not a ninja–that's part of what makes you strong."

"Believe me, I know, I know. The spirit of my giant robot told that to 
me, several times. The thing is, I'm scared to drop the ninja. I don't 
want to show them my vulnerabilities. I thought that telling people 
would, I don't know, help me live my truth, but it's just made it harder..."


"You'll figure something out," said Aibigail.

"God, I hope so..."


			[lcs_2023]


And the X-Intruder materialized in–where else?–the office building where 
Hexadecimal Luthor held court.

"So. You failed, as you were meant to, but you also failed in your 
secret objective. You didn't implant the idea of my being LNH leader in 
the LNHers' minds. You weren't even able to convince a bunch of 
teenagers. I'm impressed." Luthor clapped sarcastically.

"Listen, boss man," said the X-Intruder. "One of those kids was a 
Vector! Even the Powers of Hickman can't tame that kind of bucking bronco."

"Yes, you're right. Dealing with Vectors can be challenging. Which means 
I should really acquire one of my own. I wonder what the Crime Empress 
has been up to lately..."


			[lcs_2023]


Notes:

The X-Intruder coming back was something that was meant to happen in 
HHS, but there were so many plot elements stuffed into that story that 
it wasn't worth it. I do regret that I didn't get to do an "East of 
West" joke about the East vs West Coast Brotherhood, but such is life.

Just to be clear (for any new to LNH readers who may come along at some 
point): Ultimate Merissa=Ultimate Ninja+Merissa, Painful Yell=Painful 
Pun Person+Rebel Yell, Horrible Sig Lad=Horrible Name Lad+Sig.Lad, 
Continuity Zombie Girl=Marvel Zombie Girl+Continuity Champ (with a nod 
to the continuity zombies from Just Imagine). Occultism Kid Infinity is 
every Occultism Kid at once.


Credits:

Painful Pun Person, UltraKiwi, Occultism Kid III: Jeanne Morningstar
Horrible Name Lad: Arthur Spitzer/Scott Eiler
Ultimate Ninja II: Amabel Holland
Merissa: Saxon Brenton/Rob Rogers
Marvel Zombie Girl: Drew Nilium
Hex Luthor: Chris Hare
X-Intruder: Jeff Barnes


-- 
Jeanne Morningstar, Chief Procrastinator, Commission of Ecumenical 
Translators

I believe the hyperbole
I see the fourth colour
--King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, The Fourth Color