LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #280: Electrocutioner's Song Part Three
Drew Nilium
pwerdna at gmail.com
Sat Apr 1 21:45:19 PDT 2023
On 3/26/23 5:22 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Will we ever learn
> the origin of The Coachster?! How many bullets does it take to
> kill a ninja?! And will all the LNH'rs get into the COMA FAD?!!
Let's do it~ Let's fall into a coma~
> How much is that ninja in the window?! Will
> The FANDOM of the ALT.RA ruin the value of his action figures with
> those filthy LNH'r signatures?! And is it finally time to have that
> moment of silence for Flatulence Lad?!!
I hope so. X>
> Trading Card (cut here)
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> +-------------------------------+ +-------------------------------+
> | Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude | | Halls Jordan and Cliche Dude |
> | | | in the non-sense file. |
> | ############ %%%%%%%%%%%% | | |
> | # -- -- # %% - - %% | | So, you think that having |
> | @ * || * @ %@ * || * @% | | your very own title will aid |
> | | LJ | %% OO %% | | the bringers of good against |
> | \ / %% %% | | all that is evil. You are |
> | \ ------ / %\ ---- /% | | truly mistaken. |
> | ---------- % -------- % | | |
> | | | % | | % | | Your only hope is to join me |
> | __________ | | | | or die with your crushed egos |
> | | | | | | | by my indomitable will. |
> | | | (LNH CopyRight 1992) |
> +-------------------------------+ +-------------------------------+
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love the little ASCII portraits
> "Something Minister This Way Comes"
heeheehee
> "Don't worry about it. Did I ever tell you about his origin? Well,
> it started....... Wait a second!!!!!!! When did we start wearing costumed
> outfits like the LNH and the LNV? These colors don't even match. We
> were not wearing them on the way into the city. Now I'm pissed!!!
> WOOOO!!!!", exclaimed Z in a flaming rage.
How many of the early stories were just people nitpicking each other? X3;
> "We have ourselves yet another ninja. You know what to do."
> With a grin akin to Avon's of Blake's Seven, Mr. World pulls out a
> sub-machine pistol out from the back of the truck and fires it directly at
> the Ultimate Ninja. Before the Ultimate Ninja could react, a fury of
> bullets were upon him, knocking him back into the charging Legion, knocking
> out Typo Lad in the process.
...and not respecting each other's characters? X3;;;;;
> Mr. Minister walks over to a huge empty room, with the exception of
> cryo-tube in the center of it. Placing his palm-print of the key, the
> cryo-tube opens. Laying inside is an unconscious SideKick Man.
> "Squiggy, how long before we awakens?"
> "By my estimations, about 15 minutes."
> "That will give me enough time to prepare."
Gasp and such!!
> "Why are we looking for SideKick Man inside Big.City Mall? I mean,
> the last time anyone saw him was at Y-Plex Burp's old base.", wondered
> The Forgetting One.
> "It's because we went there already, and found no clues to his
> possible whereabouts.
See, this one's actually proactively working with the other writer.
> Anyways, when you don't know where someone is, where
> is the first place that you may found them?", says Sig.File Man.
> "Uh. I don't know." says the Forgetting One.
> "Let me guess. The mall?", asks Doctor Stomper.
> "Of course. He may have come here to buy something, and got lost.
> He may have been taken by some store owner and made a manniquin. Anything is
> possible at a mall.", California Kid points out.
X3 Amazing. The 90s really were something...
> Comic Snob Boy slams down a telephone book in disgust at a local
> comic book shop. He walks back to the Legion members who are with the army
> of Marvel_Zombie Lad clones outside the We-Have-Comics comic shop.
> "I can't find Table's address anywhere. He must have an unlisted
> number."
X3
> "What are we going to do now? We can't have all of these Marvel_
> Zombie Lad clones hang out at LNH Headquarters. We have barely enough
> room now.", says Occultism Kid.
> "Wait a second. Weren't you in the Big.City mall scene, looking
> for SideKick Lad?", asks Obscure Trivia Lad.
> "I temporarily challenged the laws of Physics by being at two places
> at once. Unfortunately, I lost, so know I am back with you guys.
This is also a good one. X> Very much of a set with what we've been doing with
Continuity as a force.
> Someone must be using alot of Mighty
> Magic(tm)."
> "Mighty Magic(tm)?", asks Lurking Lass.
> "Don't you know? The all-powerful, omni-potent, undiminishable, super
> spells that can do anything because it is a plot device. Go back and re-read
> LNH #34, when Romantic, a super-being loyal to Order, gave the LNH the
> Siege Plot-Device, and for a time, changed our lives, until Comic Snob Boy
> brought us all back to fight the LNH."
Ah, yes. X3
> Rebel Yell says, "Ok. We have to get back to business. We need to
> know where Table is hiding out."
> In unison, the Marvel_Zombie Lad clones speak, "He is probably at his
> safehouse, over on Wood Street."
> "Why didn't you say so before?" Rebel Yell questioning the clones.
> "You never asked."
X3;;;
> Table hands him a computer chip. "I will explain your mission. You
> are to enter LNH HeadQuarters, and replace the main memory chip in the Legion
> computer. You will do this discreetly. Noone should see you. If they do,
> tell them you are adding memory to the computer so you can add the new
> LNH computer game in there. Do you understand?"
> "Yes, my master."
> "Good. Head over to the BootySlide(tm), and you will be on your way."
> SideKick Man walks over to the BootySlide. Then, Table pushes
> some buttons, and SideKick Man disappears. After he is gone, Table touches
> his watch on his right wrist, and the image of Table fades. In his place
> is Mr. Minister.
GASP.
> Chair stumbles out of bed, over to the terminal. "I recognize some
> of these people from your action figure line. There is Rebel Yell, Lurking
> Lass, Cliche Dude, and boy is he cute. And there is.."
> "Stop that.
I thought you people liked nerd girls >:/
> Unknown to Table and Chair, Plot-Error Man regain consciousness
> while being left in the Auntie_May Chamber.
> "Boy, am I hungry. I think I am going to order from Dominoes."
> Plot-Error Man picks up the nearest phone, and dials the local
> number for Dominoes.
> "Hello, Dominoes, I would like to order please.........."
I-- okay? X3
> Ultimate Ninja awakens to see the Z-Team force some of the Legion
> members over to the side of the building, possibly to execute them.
> Under his breathe he says to himself, "Noone will kill the Legion
> except for me."
X3 That's an amazing thing for him to say.
> Mr. World turns around to see
> the Ultimate Ninja getting up ready to spring his attack. Mr. World lets
> loose another barrage of bullets at the Ultimate Ninja. Since the bullets
> are faster than the Ultimate Ninja, they again hit him with blind fury.
> This time, several hit his head, and the Ultimate Ninja drops to the ground.
> "I can't believe that they have taken the Ultimate Ninja down
> twice, in one day, no less." says Halls Jordan.
Yeah, it kind of sucks actually. o3o
> A factor that aided us was the fact that
> in a straight up fight, ninjas are not as good as when they sneak around.
> All ninja do are ASSASSINATE people. They are not geared for regular battle,
> and so they are easy to pick off. With him being the Ultimate Ninja, his
> moves were easily predictable. This fact has been proven with ninjas, the
> better you are, the more predictable you are. Well, after the first couple
> of years, we kill many a ninja. Eventually, the Ninja Union signed an
> agreement with us stating that since we were making the ninja extinct,
> that we would not kill any until they get more.
This is extremely "I, a college student, am the first person ever to think about
this issue, and am therefore smarter than everyone else".
> Typo Lad wakes up to find the Ultimate Ninja next to him, on the
> ground. He sees a few rips in the Ultimate Ninja's outfit, with a few
> rips to the head area. Blood and bruises are easily seen on his head.
> Suddenly, Typo Lad realizes who the Ultimate Ninja is. BandWagon Boy
> has been the Ultimate Ninja all this time. Realizing this is not the
> time to think about tell of his secret identity, he informs everyone
> on the ninja's condition.
Hmmmmm X> I can't judge the context of this revelation.
> "Nice of you to make it Vince. Check to see if the ninja is enducing
> unconsciousness or faking it." orders Z.
> Vince looks over the body, touching certain parts of the body,
> including some naughty bits. After a few minutes, Vince looks up and says
> "No. We have put him in a coma."
> "A coma?? Great. Everyone is being put in a coma these days. It's
> just another fad.", says CheeseCake Eater Lad.
X3 Oh, the '90s *really* were a Thing. Was Magneto in a coma at this point? Hmmm...
> Passing by KT Toys and Hobbies shop, Time Waster Lad sees something
> from the corner of his eye.
Ah, yes, the only toy store named after the geological record of the extinction
of the dinosaurs.
> The Legion walks to the display of action figures. Catalyst Lass
> picks up the figure of herself saying, "They do not have my current hair
> style. Maybe I should send in a photograph of me to the manufacture."
> "My figure looks exactly like me.", Browsing Boys says pridefully.
> "But mine looks the best of all." Sig.File Man says boostfully.
> Disagreement turns into an argument, which then turns into a fight
> within the LNH.
X3 Amazing
> "Sledge, there is a fight going on over there."
> "Your right Dori, I'll take care of this."
> He pulls out a 45 magnum, and says to it, "Are you ready for some fun?"
> "They look like the LNH. Please Hammer, don't hurt them."
I love these references to things nobody remembers anymore.
> Back at LNH HeadQuarters, RosterwReam is still bawling out SideWinder
> for accidentally putting the Transmodual Sig.Lad into the gene scrambler/
> random teleporter.
> "How can you be so stupid. Only an assisstant would be stupid enough
> to hit the wrong button like that."
...what? X3
> Several minutes after they leave, there is a new voice from the
> computer. "Minister, this is Squiggy. I have achieved combination.
> Destruct sequence of the LNH HeadQuarters now proceeding. T-5 minutes..."
GASP
> After an hour of going through the rubble, Memor-X cries out loud,
> "I've got it."
> The rest of the X-Over Men dropped what they were doing and surrounded
> Memor-X. The prize that was found was the Ring of RetConn. Somehow it had
> returned to this spot.
> "EveryOne, think about the CrossOver Queen."
> The group started to chant out the name of the CrossOver Queen, over
> and over and over again. After several minutes of this, a rift in time and
> space and newsboards opened before them. A lone figure steps out of the
> rift, just in time before it had closed. To their delight, the one they seek
> has returned.
> "Boys, I'm back!!!", exclaims the CrossOver Queen.
Huh. I should put this in the wiki. X> I guess I'll see where it goes...
> "Did you know that Occultism Kid was misplaced in issue #3?" asks
> Manga Man.
> "What??? They can't do that to..."
> Having yet another plot problem, the over-tired Plot King finally
> succombs to Manga Man's power.
Oh no. X3
> One of the lackeys of Fan.dom of the Alt.Ra has brought him over
> to the television set. He sees that there is a commercial on with loads
> and loads of LNH-type collector items such as trading cards, figurines,
> toilet paper, golf tees, t-shirts, and much more.
> "I must have all of these things. Where is the nearest place that
> has such material."
> "Um. Big.City Mall, master."
> "Let's go, and bring Damn Yankee with us. It is time to shop and
> chop. BWAH_AH_AH_AH_AH_AH_AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh, here we fuckin go. :D
> Acton Lord, looking over his vast estate, sips some mint julips with
> his 'date', tonight.
Ah yes, wReamed Acton Lord.
> "I thought you were dead before, and in a coma. Now there are is an
> army of you running around Net.Ropolis. Would you care to explain, or shall
> I cut you into ribbons?"
> "You can try, but you can't harm me, here. To tell you the truth,
> I am still both dead and in a coma."
> "What do you mean? I saw you, oh, wait a minute. Those must be
> clones running around, but if your dead and in a coma, and I'm here that
> must mean that I am also dead and in a coma."
> "I do not think so. I have not seen any dead people around here,
> but I seen some people leave. Others just dissapate. I figure that we are
> all in one big coma."
> "That's ridiculous."
> A dark looming voice booms out over them, "It is not ridiculous,
> Ultimate Ninja. Welcome to C.O.M.A. I hope your stay will be pleasant."
Amazing. <3
> How about that?
> All of the known plotlines in one huge post??
> In just one day??
> Boy, am I pooped.
Good job. X>
> +-------------------+ +-------------------+
> | ???????? | | ? in the Nonsence |
> | ?????????? | | FILE |
> | ??? ????? | | |
> | ??? ???? | | Who am I? Why do |
> | ???? | | I do these cards? |
> | ???? | | What are their |
> | ??? | | purpose? What is |
> | ??? | | my purpose? Why am|
> | ??? | | I here? Will I |
> | ??? | |show up in the sto-|
> | ??? | |ry? What will i do?|
> | | |Who knows? Does any|
> | ooo | | body?..... |
> | ooooo | | |
> | ooo | | (c) LNH 1992 |
> +-------------------+ +-------------------+
X3 Well...
> THE 501 BLUES/RATTLER HIDE SPECIAL #2--ELECTROCUTIONER'S SONG PT.6
> "THE TOASTER ALWAYS DINGS TWICE"
X3
> In greyness, the ULTIMATE NINJA stood up. "I don't know about you,
> MARVEL_ZOMBIE LAD, but I'm getting out of here."
Both of their names are written as their official logos.
> "I AM THE ELECTROCUTIONER! I RULE HERE! AND I WANT A SONG! YOU, NINJA,
> SING FOR ME!"
> "Like hell I wil..."The Ninja felt an irresistable urge to sing and dance.
> "I've got shruiken, I've got ninja bush, I'm a ninja, Who could ask for
> anything more?"
ghehehehe X3 <3 I love it. UN really does get put thru the wringer in this.
> "ROSTERWREAM!!!!"
> LIST LAD was storming through LNH HQ, looking for his sidekick. He
> entered the Main Computer Room (MCR)
Son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the trolled, the disconnected
and the shadowbanned?
(I've never even listened to that song. X3)
> RosterwReam walked into the MCR. "Yo, List, What'sup?"
> "You were trying to go off on an adventure, weren't you?"
> "Well, yeah, but...."
> "Is the Roster finished yet?"
> "No, but...."
> Have you even added Slap.sig to Sig.Lad's entry yet?"
> "Well, not yet, but...."
X3;;; oh dear
> "I'm a yankee-doodle Ninja!"
XD
> "Mr. Ninja, cut out my spleen. Make it the goriest, that I've ever seen."
ghehehe
> "Ok, Ok, let me think.....We can:
> 1) Stay here, get blown up, and die
> 2) Run, get blown up and die
> 3) ....3)....oh, jesus. I, List Lad, can't think of #3. We're goinng
> to die because I, List Lad, couldn't think of #3."
X3 <3 This is an excellent gag.
> "How about just turning it off?" said Multi-Tasking Man as he flipped an
> off switch on the computer.
> "I didn't know the computer had an off switch." said RwR.
> "Of course you didn't. That's because you are never doing work at it,
> like you're supposed to be.
X3 <3 <3 <3 Amazing.
> List Lad answered, "There is no SideKick Man."
> "Of course there is. He was just here."
> "RosterwReam, we are responsible for the Roster. There is no SideKick Man
> on it."
> "Maybe he's a new member?" suggested MT-M.
> "Flip on the computer and check your notes, RosterwReam."
> RwR did so and discovered, "List Lad, you're right! Other than this
> storyline, there is no mention of a SideKick Man!"
> All three net.heroes said, "Uh-oh!"
I think this was a character that Jef had actually mentioned back in the CPDC,
but I don't blame *anybody* for their records being incomplete back then. X>;
Frankly it's surprising we have as much as we do.
> "How much is that Ninja in the window?"
A gimme, but a good one. X>
> "Uh, Fan.dom, didn't we have lackeys with us when we left your Nebraskan
> lair?"
> "YES, Damn Yankee, we DID!"
> "What happened to them?"
> "I polybagged them, of course. THE FAN.DOM OF THE ALT.RA NEVER USES
> LACKEYS!! Do you realize what kind of collectors items they are!!!"
> "Uh, right.
Lackeys seem slightly more common than copies of X-Force #1. o3o;
> "I have just completed my collection of NEW WORLD TELEVISON characters
> from the 1980's. Sledge Hammer and Dori are now double bagged, hermeticly
> sealed, and hanging next to Captain Justice. BWHAH-HAH-HAH!!!
Amazing. X3
> "I was wondering if I could GET YOU to AUTOGRAPH THESE FOR ME!!!"
> "Woah, a fan. Dude!" said CALIFORNIA KID.
> "Yes, you could probably call me the KING OF FANDOM! HAH-HAH-HA!!!"
> "Why are you yelling?" asked TIME WASTER LAD.
> DOCTOR STOMPER replied," Oh, that has to do with an over-excited lung
> structure."
X3
> I WILL LET TABLE
> PROCEED WITH HIS PLAN. WE shall return to the cave and see what happens. BUT
> FIRST...." The Fan.Dom hit a button on a control pad and all of the FAN.DOM
> merchandise, except for the ones that he himself had bought, vanished from
> existence. "WE DON'T WANT TABLE THINKING THAT HE CAN GET AWAY WITH TOO MUCH,
> DO WE!!!! BWAH-HAH-HAH!!
I think this one's a pretty reasonable back-and-forth between different authors. :>
> "Tie a yellow sword belt 'round that old ninja tree...."
Oh, I like that one. X>
> "....Where a ninja sits..Muching on a ritz!"
XD
> Manga Man was about ready to launch the Akira Wave. After seemingly
> defeating PLOT KING due to some plot errors in chapter 3, he had rebuilt his
> machine, which had been smashed by an Oreo's truck. He felt a tap on his
> shoulder. "DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERY PLOT LINE WAS ADVANCED IN PART 5!?!"
>
> WWW WWW AAA MMMM MMMM
> WWW WWW AAA AAA MMMMMMMMM
> WWW W WWW AAA AAA MMM MMM MMM
> WWW WWW WWW AAAAAAAAA MMM MMM MMM
> WWW WWW WWW AAAAAAAAA MMM MMM MMM
> WWWWWWWWW AAA AAA MMM M MMM
> WWWW WWWW AAA AAA MMM MMM
> WW WW AAA AAA MMM MMM
:3 And this is also an extremely good use of another author's work.
> The Story-Finishing Fury wiped the dirt and blood off his blazing red
> Jumpsuit, accessorized by many wicked-looking spikes, and hurled himself, once
> again, at Manga Man.
>
> And the fight continued....
This is one of the things I remember about this storyline, their big ongoing
fight scene. X3
> "Who can swing a nun-chuck, and job you up with glee? Who can carve you
> into bits and make you gory? The Ninja Man can....."
ghehehehe
> And Typo Lad wove that funky voodoo that he do so well....
> SICK MASSACRE -> SICK MESS ACRE -> SICK MESSER OGRE -> SUCCOR MESS AGE ->
> SECRET MESSAGE.
> Typo Lad looked woozy from the effort.
> "Good Job, Typo Lad. But what did the message say, and where did it go?"
> asked Halls.
Oooooooh.
> "It's a ninja-attack, ninja-attack on the floor. And he's slicing like he
> never did before....."
X3 I mean, that's pretty close to the song
> Rebel Yell's strike team was gathered outside Table's safe house on Wood
> street.
Oh I get it.
> "Hell, I say we march the hell in there and kick the hell out of Table's
> ass!" said CLICHE DUDE.
> "Explain something to me," said KID FROTHING-AT-THE-MOUTH, "Why are you
> saying hell so much? It really isn't necessary. What are you hoping to
> accomplish?"
> Cliche answered, "Uh, sorry. I'm just really excited about being back in
> an ACRAPHOBE book."
X3
> "It's a secret message from Typo Lad, Luri. That's our signal that his
> team has hit a major snag."
Oho~
> Rebel Yell hung up his communicator and turned back to his team. "So how
> are we going to get in?"
> Just then, a Dominos guy walked up, "I'm looking for a Mr. PLOT ERROR
> MAN."
X3
> "No," said Rebel Yell, "It is cliche. That's why you're gonna deliver the
> pizza, Cliche Dude."
XD XD XD Wonderful.
> "Ninjas, crawling out of the moonlight....."
X3
> Multi-Tasking Man looked at the assembled net.heroes. "Ok, I've
> transmatted the CrossOver Queen and her flunkies to REC.ORG.SCA. They should
> be stuck in the discussions there forever.
Aha, I see. X> That was quick.
> "I'm not going!" said Sarcastic Lad.
> "What!?!"
> "Yeah, like I'm gonna go, risk my life for people who didn't even blink
> when FLATULANCE LAD died. Forget it."
Oh, yeah, fair~
> "Not good enough! Rebel Yell said we could have a moment of silence, but
> then he went and got killed in Sieze Dangerous, and it was forgotten."
> MT-M sighed. "Ok, we'll have a moment of silence:
>
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> "Satisfied?"
> "It will do."
Ghehehehe. <3 Okay that makes me happy.
> "Don't cry for me, Ninja-tina...."
X3
> On board MR. MINISTER's satellite, SLAP.SIG rematerialized.
> "WOO! WOO! I'm a wacky, siggy, kind of guy! WOO! WOO!"
> He then vanished again.
> The satellite didn't seem to notice.
XD
> "Ninja-homa, where the swords come slicing up the plains...."
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> LNH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>
> SUFFERYNG brooded somewhere. He was having trouble getting out of his
> armor.
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> LNH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>
> "It's a good flip, Ninja's hop....."
>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> LNH<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
>
> Damn Yankee brought some popcorn into the Entertainment room of the
> Fan.Dom's lair.
> "GOOD, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME!!! SIT DOWN!!! IT LOOKS LIKE THE FUN IS ABOUT
> TO START!!!! HAH_HAH_HAHAHA_hahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH> caph-caugh-choke< ha
This is really packed. X3 <3 <3 <3
> This is an Electrocutioner's Song special because if I do not do this
> now, I would have to in part 9, and that is going to be huge anyways.
> ;)
> This will either help explain or confuse you more about the Z-Team.
> :)
:o
> "The Ultimate Ninja!"
> "Oh."
> "Do not be fooled by him. He may look like an idiot. He may act like an
> idiot. But don't let that fool you. He really *is* an idiot...but a powerful
> idiot.
X3
> "The only group that could stop the Ultimate Ninja."
> "Who?"
> "Do you like to say one to two syllable words alot?"
> "No."
X3
> The secret is that it reacts to movement. The more you move,
> especially if you are a ninja trying to dodge bullets, the greater the
> chance you have getting hit by it. Pure Genius.
Fascinating.
> They had some connection with a group of people who have been around
> for centuries, but have never made a public appearance until recently. This
> group, a formidable nemesis, is the Intelligencia!!!!!!!"
Oh no, they're going to start blowing up universes
Drew "catching up, catching up" Nilium
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