LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #262: The Comics Connection Conclusion

[Arthur Spitzer]

30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive 
once again.

Here's where you can find The Comics Connection as well as other
Kid Kirby stories:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Kid.Kirby/



 
And we've got H. Jameel Alkhafiz writing the concluding
Chapters of The Comics Connection!  Does everyone REALLY like
a sing-a-long?!  When will Lost Cause Boy realize that this isn't
another chapter of the Integrity Quest?!  Will Manga Man be placed
ON GUARD DUTY?!  And will someone DIE?!!  And will writers afterwards
go, "I kinda wanted to use that character.  Maybe I could just bring
that character back to life, but not really explain it?  Maybe that could
happen?  Okay, I'll probably do that!"


Find out in...



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             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
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                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #262


                         =====================
                    The Comics Connection Conclusion
                         =====================




                             Chapter 4

   "Of course he'll sing," Sing Along Lass said, pointing at the Giant
Robo currently piloted by a rather angry Manga Man.  "Everyone loves a
sing along!"  This cheerful statement, was, however, contradicted in the
past by the entire Legion of Net.Heroes.  "Come on!  'I'm a lumberjack,
and I'm okay...'," she began.
    "I can't believe she does this all the time," Kid Kirby said to
himself, amazed.  Even more amazingly, Manga Man seemed stunned by the
singing.
    "Stop!" Manga Man commanded.  "Stop that!"
    "You don't like that song?" Sing Along Lass asked.  "I know one that
everyone loves:  'Row, row, row your boat...'"
    "No!" Manga Man moaned.
    "I guess most people really _don't_ like sing alongs," Kid Kirby
noted.  "I don't think that I want to take any chances."  He checked his
antimatter extrapolator.  Empty.  He discarded it, allowing it to return
to the Kirby Zone from which all his tech came.  "The intensified
molecule projector, then."  Instantly, boulder-sized ball and stick
molecules streamed forth from Kid Kirby's gauntlets and impacted with
the Giant Robo, knocking it prone.  Unfortunately, the molecules also
drowned out the sing along in progress.
    "Now, annoying American, die!"  Manga Man fired missiles at Sing
Along Lass, who was having far too much fun to notice.
    "Damn!" Kid Kirby spat, reacting with an electro-pulse to detonate
the missiles early.  His estimation of the missiles' power was slightly
off, however, and Sing Along Lass was sent flying by the blast.  "Oh,
man!"
    "That should silence her!  Heh, heh, heh!"
    Kid Kirby flew to Sing Along Lass and gently lifted her from the
featureless ground.  "Damn it!"
    The Giant Robo got back to its feet.  "I suppose you're going to
have an emotional attack and go berserk, as you Americans are wont to
do, right?"
    "Wrong," Kid Kirby replied.  "You'd never catch the Silver Surfer
losing his head in a battle.  I'm out of here!"  With a deafening
"BOOM", a circular opening in space appeared.  Kid Kirby stepped through
it, and it quickly vanished.
    

    Sequestered in a typical villain's headquarters, the rest of the
displaced net.heroes, save Cliche Dude and Continuity Champ, languished
in glass tubes that negated their powers, or non-powers, depending on
the hero.  Lost Cause Boy still looked confused.
    "What's wrong?" Browsing Boy asked.
    "I thought that I was in Integrity Quest," Lost Cause Boy answered. 

"Now, I'm here.  How does Spider-Man deal with it all the time?"  He
quickly forgot about his problems when he glance over at Panta's prison,
in which the lithe cat-woman lay unconscious from loss of blood.  They
had become close in their brief time in the LNH, and it pained him to
see her in such a condition.  Harras would pay for this.  Damn editors
and their-  Lost Cause Boy suddenly collapsed, dazed, off balance, and
outside of his confinement.
    "I knew it!" Doctor Stomper exclaimed.  "I knew that continuity
would mess up somehow!  Lost Cause Boy's involved in too many
storylines!  Thus, he became momentarily discontinuous from the strain
that he was putting on reality!"
    "Whatever caused it," Lost Cause Boy responded weakly, "I'm not
about to complain, but it did a job on me.  My legs feel like tree
trunks, all-"  He cut himself off, lest he say that which should not be
spoken.  "Well, anyway, I feel pretty bad."
    "Can you shut off the containment field?" Obscure Trivia Lad asked. 

"Obscure Trivia Lad wishes to wreak havok upon Obscure Trivia Lad's
enemies!"
    "I don't understand all of these controls," Lost Cause Boy answered.
 True to form, the net.villians' hideout was jam-packed with consoles,
controls, levers, lights, and buttons.
    "I'll tell you how to open the cells," Browsing Boy said.  "I
browsed through this building's owner's manual on the way in."
    "But you didn't even touch the manual!" Mainstream Man protested. 

"You weren't even in close proximity to it!"
    "When they brought us in, I had a chance to glance at it on
someone's desk.  They don't call me Browsing Boy for nothing."
    "What's this?!" Old Comics Man asked as he awakened.  "In my day, we
didn't have fancy-schmancy glass tubes for prisons!  We had bars and
locks!  And they didn't use some field to negate a hero's powers, they
just knocked him out with a pipe!"
    "Hurry it up, all right?!" Rebel Yell prompted.  He had a traitor to
deal with.
    "All right, then," Browsing Boy began.  "Here's the first sequence..."

    "Where...where are we?" Sing Along Lass asked weakly, coughing.
    "The Kirby Zone," Kid Kirby answered.  He and Sing Along Lass were
on a small asteroid floating in a multi-colored void filled with weird
shapes, floating eyeballs, and other assorted strangeness.  "I used a
Boom Tube to get us out of there, but I'll be weakened for a while
because of it.  That's why I don't use it very often."
    "Why don't I feel right inside?"
    "You most likely have internal injuries.  You were pretty close to
the center of a large explosion, and-"
    "Tell me a story, please?"
    "But-" Kid Kirby began to protest.  She was probably entering shock
and wouldn't remember what he told her.  Seemed like a perfectly good
time for an origin story.
    "All right.  Once, there was young man who liked comic books.  One
day, he read a comic book drawn by Jack Kirby and was very impressed. 

After this, the young man learned about Seigel and Schuster, Eisner,
Stan Lee, Gaines, and other greats in the field of comics.  He noticed
that many people in modern comics didn't give proper credit and respect
to the originators of the field.  Many readers didn't give proper
respect to those first men with imagination.  'Even if they don't like
the old comics, they should respect them,' he said.  Then, one day, he
was visited by a great 'Cosmic Being (tm)' who granted him power in
exchange for keeping the old comic creators in the minds of comic book
readers everywhere, and defeating 'bad comics'.  The young man used this
'Power Kirby' to create technology in the style of Kirby, and chose to
wear Kirby armor to remind people of-"
    "I don't think that I'm going to make it."  Sing Along Lass coughed.
 "Show me your face," she asked.  "Please.  You're a nice man, and I
want to see you without your armor."
    "All right," Kid Kirby answered as he faced away from the readers at
home (darn! :-).  His armor disappeared, and he stood in a Kirby pose,
with Quasar style wristbands of Kirby technology.  His cape fluttered in
the breeze.
    "You have a nice face.  Let's sing!  Row, row, row your boat..."
    "Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream," Kid Kirby came in
right on time.  Sing Along Lass was unconscious by the second verse. 

"There aren't enough people in the world like you.  You're going to
live," Kid Kirby vowed as he began to build.

    "So, what's your well thought out, realistic plan?" Comics-Snob-Boy
asked his allies.
    "Most of the beings with comics-related powers have been brought to
this empty universe," the androgyne answered.  "Most of those powers are
based on comics that are entirely unrealistic.  The most blatant of
these blasphemers are Mainstream Man, Marvel_Zombie Boy, Kid Kirby,
Cliche Dude, and Fanboy King."
    "Fanboy King?" Comics-Snob-Boy asked, confused.  "But he's a net.villian!"
    "We do not discriminate on the basis of one's morals.  We have
chosen on the basis of power alone.  We shall invert the powers of the
blasphemers, and boost those inverted powers with those of the others. 

This raw energy will be of a type suitable for converting all comic book
readers to good comics.  Realistic comics.  Artistically satisfying
comics."
    "Will this harm my friends?"
    "The process will be most...unpleasant, but your friends will be
better people for it.  They'll enjoy the same good comics that you do."
    "Then let's get started," Comics-Snob-Boy exclaimed, eager to finish
his life's goal.
    "Our master wishes to meet you, to personally welcome you to our
group," the wild-haired girl said.
    Comics-Snob-Boy turned and, upon seeing the 'master', gasped in shock...


                             Chapter 5

    "Continuity Champ!" a voice spoke into Continuity Champ's mind.
    "Damn!" Continuity Champ muttered.  "I hate when people speak into
my mind."
    "Sorry about that," the voice apologized vocally.  "Anyway, your
power is needed to battle a menace to the network!"
    Continuity Champ was skeptical.  "My friends are in danger.  Do you
have proof?"
    "I fear that I do not," the voice replied sadly.  "But the danger is
great, indeed-"
    "Save it," Continuity Champ said.  "I never liked being pushed
around by strange beings.  Now that I have my bearings, I'm out of here.
 The rest of my friends must be around here somewhere."  With that,
Continuity Champ took off in search of his allies.
    "Hmm," the voice began, taking on a more sinister tone.  "He is
strong, indeed, but he can be taken.  He _will_ be taken."

    "I, Manga Man, have been placed on guard duty?!" Manga Man said to
himself, indignant.  "Slayer of the foolish American net.hero, consigned
to marching around Harras' headquarters!"  A tremendous "boom" rocked
the landscape, knocking Manga Man prone.  When he returned to his feet,
Kid Kirby stood before him, and Kid Kirby's fury was apparent.
    "You have dared to slay one of my friends in the LNH!" he cried. 

"Now, foolish mortal cur, prepare to face my wrath!"  His eyes crackled
with energy that spiraled down his outstretched arms and sparked around
his fists.
    "Perhaps I shall send you to join her, foolish one!  No one throws
energy better than Manga Man!"
    "Than I'll beat you at your own game!"  Kid Kirby jumped at Manga
Man with a flying kick that Manga Man easily blocked.  "I have the
skills of Ranma Saotome!" Kid Kirby declared as he landed.
    "Then I'll just have to become more skilled than you," Manga Man
shouted, becoming Ryouga Hibiki.  Suddenly, he was doused by cold water.
 He immediately shrunk to the form of a small, black pig standing in
front of Sing Along Lass.  Sing Along Lass dropped the bucket that she
was holding and admired her Kirby-esque costume.
    "This is great," she said, smiling.  "It makes me want to sing!"
    "Ima donata wa baka?" Kid Kirby spat at the pig he was holding in
one hand, an ionic blade pointed at the pig's snout.  "Boku?  Ie!"
    "What?" Sing Along Lass asked, confused.
    "Huh?  Oh, I forgot the subtitles again.  Sorry.  I said, 'Now who's
a fool?  Me?  No!"
    "Oh, okay.  Now what do we do?"
    Kid Kirby slapped a porcine incarcerator around Manga Pig, and said,
"Now, we go and hurt someone."

    "How're my prisoners doing today?" Plotchopper asked as he strode
into the prisoner's chamber.  "Soon, none of your current plots will
ever be resolved, because you'll all be dead!"  He laughed maniacally
until he noticed that none of the prisoners were in their cells.
    "Back in my day, villains never left the heroes unguarded.  The
heroes always had to trick the guard into doing something stupid," Old
Comics Man said.  Browsing Boy, Halls Jordan, Mainstream Man,
Marvel_Zombie Lad, Lost Cause Boy, Obscure Trivia Lad, Doctor Stomper,
and Rebel Yell stood behind him in various heroic poses, suitable for a
splash page.
    "Guess what happens now," Doctor Stopmer said.
    "I know what happens, now, fools!  Ultimate Ninja, attack!" 

Ultimate Ninja sprang into the room, hands full of Ninja Bush.
    "I must destroy you," Ultimate Ninja declared.  He raised his hands
to throw the deadly Ninja Bush.  Mainstream Man and Marvel_Zombie Lad
screamed, for they knew the power of ninja.  Suddenly, Ultimate Ninja
was cut down by a hail of bullets.
    "War Journal Entry 56," Cliche Dude spoke from behind a realistic,
smoking gun.  "I decided, despite what all my years of combat training
told me, to rescue the goody-goodies.  And they send a ninja after me. 

Dark 'n' Gritty beats ninjas every time!"
    "Cliche Dude!" Halls Jordan exclaimed.
    "Cliche Dude is dead!" Cliche Dude declared.  "Only the Annihilator
remains!"
    "We don't have time for this!" Lost Cause Boy exclaimed angrily. 

"Panta's still unconscious, and she might be dying!  I managed to use
the Anodyne powers from the X-Men Alpha Flight Limited Series to stop
her bleeding, but I'm not powerful enough to heal her!  Harras is gonna
pay, and he's gonna pay now!"
    "Come to me, then, little net.hero!" Harras shouted as he, Fanboy
King, and Dyslexia appeared.  "Come to me to die!"
    "NO!"  Lost Cause Boy sent every comic in his satchel flying at
Harras as ludicrous speed as he tapped into reserves of power that he
never knew he had.  Every comic simply bounced harmlessly off of Harras.
    "Now, fool, feel an Editor's wrath!"  Harras fired twin bolts of
editing at Lost Cause Boy, whose eyes were so filled with tears of
frustration that he didn't see them coming.  In the proverbial nick of
time, Continuity Champ burst through the wall and intercepted the deadly
energy.  Thrown back, but unharmed, Continuity Champ spoke.
    "See if you can find a way out of here!" he shouted.  "I'll keep
Harras busy!"  He fired crimson bolts of his own at the Editor, who was
thrown off of his feet.  "And find Comics-Snob-Boy!  I remember that he
came here with us!"  The others ran from the room, trampling Fanboy King
and Dyslexia in the process.
    "Obscure Trivia Lad recognizes you!" Obscure Trivia Lad shouted,
pointing at the figure who stood before the running net.heroes. 

"You're-"
    "Comics-Snob-Boy, yes," Comics-Snob-Boy replied.  "And this type of
exposition is just the type of thing that I'm trying to get rid of."
    "What do you mean?" Rebel Yell asked.
    "I'm sorry," Comics-Snob-Boy said to the group.  "I really am." 

Dark lightning crackled from Comics-Snob-Boy into the others, causing
them to writhe in pain.  Cliche Dude instantly reverted to his normal
form as his essence was inverted.
    "Obscure...Trivia Lad...smash!" Obscure Triva Lad declared painfully
as he extended a liquid metal arm weakly.
    "I don't think so.  This really is for the better.  You'll be better
people for it."
    "Who're...you trying...to...convince?" Rebel Yell asked as he slowly
crawled toward Comics-Snob-Boy.  The others were unconscious or very
nearly so.  "Look...at...what...you're...doing!"
    "I know what I'm doing.  I'm saving the world!"

    "What's wrong, Kid?!" Sing Along Lass asked the prone and obviously
in agony Kid Kirby.
    "This energy," Kid Kirby said weakly.  "It's pure comics energy!  I
haven't seen it in months, since r.a.c ceased to be!  It's incapacitated
me, Lass!  Only the Power Kirby keeps me conscious, and it won't do that
for very long!  I'm storing up this energy so that you can use it to get
home."
    "Me?  But-but I just sing!  I can't crosspost!"
    "Yes, you can!  You were brought here when my dimensional device
exploded.  The residual energy from that, coupled with the energy I'm
storing, will-"  Kid Kirby's explanation was interrupted by a wracking
cough.  He wiped the blood from his mouthpiece.  "will let you crosspost
back to alt.comics.lnh!"
    "It's killing you!" Sing Along Lass protested.  "I won't let you do it!"
    "I'm the only one who can store up enough of this energy for you to
channel!  Now, let me concentrate."  Kid Kirby fell silent, and Sing
Along Lass stood silent vigil, as he had not so long ago.

    Pain.  It was rare in Continuity Champ's life, but here it was. 

Fortunately, he had the power to do something about it.
    "Harras!" he shouted over the crackle of the dark lightning.  "This
is not your doing!  We have a common foe!"
    "You net.heroes have a penchant for noticing the glaringly obvious!"
Harras said through gritted teeth.
    "We must join forces to strike him down!"
    "Never!"
    "Stop posturing and listen!  Can't you feel your very essence, your
comic book power, being warped?  If it's powerful enough to affect
beings as powerful as us, imagine what it's doing to the others!"
    "I care not for mere lackeys!"
    "What happens when he's through with you, then?  You'll be reduced
to editting magazines, or newspapers!"
    "Never!  All right.  As much as it goes against my nature, I'll help
you.  But after this-"
    "We're enemies!  I know, I know!  Let's just go take this bozo
down!"  Continuity Champ and Harras flew out of the room into the
corridor, where they saw Comics-Snob-Boy standing over the fallen
net.heroes, his eyes black as dead monitors.  Dark energies poured forth
from his fingertips into the fallen net.heroes and into Harras and
Continuity Champ.  His voice was a bad sound card.
    "You will fall before me!" he hissed.
    "Harras falls before no one!" Harras declared as he attemped to edit
Comics-Snob-Boy out of existance with a bolt of impossibly powerful
energy bolstered by Continuity Champ's own energy blasts. 

Comics-Snob-Boy simply fell as though his spine had been removed.
    "Fools," the dark storm spat.  "You cannot defeat me!"  It lashed
out at Continuity Champ and Harras, sending them reeling.  "I am comic
book power incarnate!"
    "He dares to use lines like that against Harras, the Editor?!"
Harras asked, indignant.  "He's mine, up close and personal!"  Harras
lept into the storm, despite Continuity Champ's shouted protest.
    Harras was held immobile in the center of the darkness.
    "So, you wish to see me 'up close and personal', eh?" the storm
sneered.  "I grant you a boon, then.  Behold me, and despair.  Gaze upon
me, and weep.  Feel my power, and be ever changed!"  Harras screamed at
the sight, screamed a scream like nothing Continuity Champ had ever
heard.  Then, Harras, pale as ash, was flung against a wall, senseless.
    "So dark," he muttered weakly.  "So angry...we
should...have...known-"  He passed swiftly into unconsciousness.
    "And, now, for you, my 'omnipotent' friend," the darkness said to
Continuity Champ.  "You shall have a taste of true power!"
    "No!" Comics-Snob-Boy's androgynous friend cried in protest.  "This
isn't what we wanted!  This is wrong!"  He/she was joined by the others,
who prepared to stop the darkness.
    "Die," the dark storm spat, and they did.  Continuity Champ steeled
himself for the final assault.  He wouldn't go down without a hell of a
fight.  The storm rushed toward him, and he prepared to meet its charge
with power, head-on.

    "That has to be enough!" Sing Along Lass said, standing over the
comatose Kid Kirby.  "But, how will I find the others?  I know!  I'll
just bring along everything that doesn't belong in this place!  Even
that nasty Manga Man, I suppose.  He doesn't deserve to be left here. 

Now!"  The transfer was instantaneous, and everyone found themselves
where they had been before anything had occurred.  Thinking quickly,
Sing Along Lass hit the general alert button on the wall...

    "Let me up!" Rebel Yell ordered from his bed in the nearly full
Medi-Center.  "I have a traitor to deal with!"  He strained toward the
unconscious Kid Kirby, whose armor's self repair systems were strained
to capacity fixing him.
    "No!" Sing Along Lass protested.  "Kid Kirby's not a traitor!  He
risked his life so that we could all escape that awful place!  I saw how
much he was drained after making that second boom tube!  Something's
wrong with your mind, but the auto-doc'll fix you up good as new!"
    "No," Rebel Yell protested weakly as the anesthetic took effect.
    "I checked the clocks," Continuity Champ told Sing Along Lass.  "No
time passed while we were in that...place.  We're in trouble."
    "But we won, didn't we?  We're alive!"
    "No.  We didn't win.  We _escaped_.  And just barely."
    "That place reminded me of a sad house after all of the children
have gone."
    "Well, we're going to have to keep a eye out for that 'sad house',
because one slip could easily destroy us all.  There's a storm coming."

    In the dark ruin of r.a.c., R.A.C.lipso sat, infuriated.
    "They escaped!  My initial plan failed, and I haven't the resources
to pull them back here again!  But I have plans, oh, yes, I have plans! 

I shall pick them off, one by one, and they shall be mine!  Even the
mighty Continuity Champ shall become one with me!  The games shall begin
soon, very soon..."

Epilogue

    Lost Cause Boy kept a stoic vigil beside the bed in which Panta
slowly recovered from her injuries from the battle with Harras.
    "Don't blame yourself," Ultimate Ninja called from the next bed. 

"That's so, well, cliched.  She'll be all right.  This AutoDoc's one of
the best!"
    "That's easy for you to say," Lost Cause Boy snapped, angst-ridden. 

"You have a ninja(tm) metabolism boost to heal quickly."
    "That's true," Ultimate Ninja replied, chowing down on a large tray
full of food.  "But she'll heal."
    "I couldn't even avenge her."
    "Not all of us are walking machines of death," Ultimate Ninja
replied.  "Once you got Panta out of that imprisoning tube, you were
willing to lay down your life to protect her.  She's lucky to have a
friend like you."  As ninja, I can never trust anyone to that extent, he
added silently.
    "I guess that we're all just lucky we got out of there at all, even
though all of us but Continuity Champ were badly injured.  For a minute
back there, I thought that we were going to be the ultimate lost cause. 

You're especially lucky to be alive after all those gunshot wounds.  I
guess that's why you're still recovering after the rest of us are
healed."  Lost Cause Boy paused for a moment, thinking.  "Wait a
minute...How did you survive being riddled with thousands of bullets in
the first place?!"
    "I shifted my vital organs out of the path of the bullets," Ultimate
Ninja answered nonchalantly.
    "That's impossible!"
    "Am I not ninja?"

    Kid Kirby looked up from his console at the anxiously waiting Sing
Along Lass.
    "Well," he began, "all of the excess energies were burned up in
transit.  You're normal again."
    "Kid, when you healed me, you gave me a new costume, a Kirby
costume.  Why?"
    "Your old outfit was shredded by the explosion, Lass, and I can only
make Kirby items.  Besides, I like it.  Consider it a gift."
    "Good.  I like it, too.  I think I'll go to List Lad and make it my
official costume."
    "Good idea," Kid Kirby responded as he turned to leave.
    "Wait, Kid!" Sing Along Lass called.  "You sang with me when I was
hurt.  Will you sing with me again?"
    "Sure.  How about 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat'?  What's one song among
friends?"

    "What happened to us back there?" Rebel Yell asked Continuity Champ
as they walked down one of the LNH HQ's many corridors.
    "I'm at a loss to explain.  Even my vast power was challenged."
    "I think I know what happened," Doctor Stomper interjected, running
to catch up with the two net.heroes.  Exercising his ability to explain
storylines, he began.  "First, I'll bet that Continuity Champ was acting
somewhat out of character, right?"
    "Yes, my behavior was, indeed, strange at times."
    "That's because the very nature of that dark place was
discontinuous!  You, being attuned to continuity, were the most
affected.  I caught Marvel_Zombie Lad acting in a 'Boy'-ish manner, too."
    "But what about Obscure Trivia Lad's stretching?" Rebel Yell asked.
    "The weird physics of the place!" Doctor Stomper declared in an
'isn't it obvious!?' voice.
    "Oh!" Rebel Yell and Continuity Champ responded.  Doctor Stomper
smiled.  He still had it.

Jameel
Physicist-At-Large
Kid Kirby, net.hero


==========

Next Week:  Hmm.  Something Classic and LNH related -- I imagine!

==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer