ACRA/LNH: The Blood Scrawled Crystal Skull of the Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season Four #4 Part One

[Drew Nilium]

On 10/27/22 1:10 AM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
<snip>
> Warning:  Yeah, yeah. Horrible Unpleasant Upsetting Stuff That No One Should Ever Read
>              -- but if you want to I'm not going to stop you.  You've been warned.

You know, if it's Arthur saying it? Might be legit.

> "And, okay, I know -- a lot of you have been really upset by how I haven't really appeared much in
> the other seasons -- and BELIEVE ME I'm upset about it too!  But I assure you this season will be
> all about me and not all that other nonsense about conspiracy nuts, people suffering from
> Namerboyuhneeen (or whatever), Charlie Sheen -- nope.  None of that stuff.  Just me and my
> exciting, thrillin life.  I promise.

Well *finally*~! ``

> I'm not sure if any of those rumors about people
> dying while watching bootlegs are true -- but just to be completely safe -- pay the (I dunno --
> 20?  Really?  It's that much?  *Ahem*) Twenty bucks a month for USENETflix!

Ugh... tape that kills you vs. increasingly less interesting and more 
controlling streaming service... maybe I'll just rewatch Todd in the Shadows again.

> "Oh, right right right!  I'm doing Inventory Duty.  Yeah, inventory duty.  So, you
> see all these weird strange looking objects," Namer Boy gestured towards all the strange and weird
> looking objects.  "And it's my job to umm, well, let's just show you -- okay right here," Namer
> Boy gestured to a barcode on one of the strange objects in the room.  "That's a barcode.  And so I
> take my," Namer Boy took out his inventory.thingee, "Inventory.thingee and push this button and --
> there!  See that red light shining on the barcode?  That goes into the system -- and it gets
> counted.  And that's how it's done.  Pretty simple, right?

Gonna be honest, I unironically enjoy this crunchy stuff. X>

> "Relax, Namer Lad!  Was just playing some basketball in the hallway and I think the ball slipped
> its way..."
> 
> "You can't be in here!  You can never be in here!!  You know what this room is called, don't you?!
> It's called The Bad Timing Boy (and Bad Judgment Boy) Can-Never-Ever-Ever-Ever-Ever-Ever-Ever-
> EVER-Be-Allowed-Into-This-Room Room!!!!!!!"

XD XD XD Perfection.

> But
> before he could get to it -- his foot slipped on a banana peel causing Bad Timing Boy to fall.
> But Bad Timing Boy (thanks to many years of training) managed to twist and contort his body so he
> could grab at a lever on some strange device to avoid hitting the ground.
> 
> "Hah!  That was close.  Thought I was going to..." Bad Timing Boy started to say and then he
> noticed that Namer Boy had a very troubled expression on his face and he turned around and looked
> at the weird device that he had pulled the lever on.  It had three Crystal Skulls on its top that
> were starting to glow very, VERY red.  Below the skulls were a bunch of weird red symbols that
> were flashing away as if counting down to something.  And it had this sinister sounding hum that
> grew louder and louder.

Wwwwwwwwelp X3 X3 X3 <3 <3 <3

> There was a very, very loud burst.  A massive crimson wave of light spread across the entire
> Net.ropolis landscape and kept going and going.  And various flying objects, planes, helicopters,
> flight.thingees, Zeppelins made of processed food began to fall from the sky.  And no one stopped
> them.  Some of them crashed into skyscrapers causing those buildings to burn.  And no one stopped
> that either.  There were no fire engines or ambulances or police cars racing through the streets.
> 
> And other than the sound of crackling flames, there was just a dead silence that hung over
> Net.ropolis for the longest time.  And the sky became redder and redder.  And the Sun above became
> darker and darker.

daaaaaaaamn

> And then Eleven Hours and Six Minutes later...
> 
> The corpses of Namer Boy and Bad Timing Boy began to twitch and lurch up from the ground.  Namer
> Boy started to shamble over towards the door, but tripped over Bad Timing Boy's basketball.

XD XD XD

>                         (Possibly an ELSEWHIRL? -- Okay... yeah probably one...)

:D <3

> "Heeey There, Boys and Ghouls!" cackled what looked a bit like the rotting corpse of Kid Recap
> popping up out of a coffin like a jack-in-the box on meth, "Yes, it's your ol' pal Kid Recap a
> little worse for the wear!

omfg XD That's perfect.

> -- I like to call myself...
> 
> "The Crypto Currency RECAPPER!!!!

..oh, I get it, that's wonderfully terrible X3

> Crypto Currency -- you're wondering why that's still a
> thing even though it looks like we're in some Post-Apocalyptic Wasteland?  Yeah, I don't know
> either.

X3 <3 <3 <3

> "Oh, I suppose you want me to recap something --
> perhaps all that stuff that happened between the Revampiric Bomb blowing up Net.ropolis all the
> way to me hawking Crypto Currency?  And sure I'd love to do that -- but considering no one has
> actually written a story about all that stuff -- CAN'T really recap it!
Cuuuuuuurses X>

> "Entice you with a little WereDogeCoin!

XD XD XD

> "No?  Okay," he plucked out another piece of crypto, "How about this one -- BiteMeIt'sFunCoin?  Or
> maybe you're more of a fan of ITurnedIntoASatanicallyReanimatedCorpseAndAllIGotWasThisStupidCoin
> Coin..."

X3

> A very pale looking man covered in a black
> flowing robe.  On top of his head was something that looked a bit like some Medieval Witchfinder
> type hat.  Held in one of his hands was what looked like a trident that was glowing red.
> 
> The Crypto Currency Recapper smiled as he recognized the man  "Ooh!  Speaking of Satanically
> Reanimated Corpses -- it's our good buddy -- The Self-Righteous Preacher!

Oh shit, that's perfect

> "Do
> not call me that old dead name of that wicked sinner who I was before the glorious Revampiric Fire
> Baptized my wretched human form so I could be turned into an instrument for The Dark Gods of The
> Grave.  And then scour the lands and spread the word so that others could be saved like me or
> doomed if they so chose.  I, The Righteous Inquisitor!"

Oh wow, this is extremely '60s British horror, I love it

> To save yourself from the
> Heresy of this Fourth Wall Breaking and other Ridiculous Foolishness Chaotic Anarchy so that you
> can finally be bathed in the Righteous Sublime of The One True Order!"

Neverrrrrr >:D

> The Righteous Inquisitor shook his head sadly.  "So, it is Annihilation that you choose.  Very
> well."  He pointed the Trident in his hand at the grinning Recapper and a burst of crimson light
> consumed The Recapper's entire body.  All that was left was black stain smoldering from The Crypto
> Currency Recapper's easy chair.

Dang!

> Another Sinner down.

Daaaaaaaaang!

> Cannon Fodder's eyes popped wide open and his heart was racing like crazy.

Oh, this is perfect. <3

> No, stop it.  It's probably just a kiwi or an oozelfinch.  It's no big deal.  And even if it is
> something horrible that kills you -- you're Cannon Fodder!  That's your power.  To come back from
> the dead!  Go and check it!
> 
> But Cannon Fodder didn't move beyond pulling his sheets over his head.  He didn't want to look
> below and see that horrible thing that was underneath him.  He didn't want to do it.  There was
> always one great fear that he would occasionally think about.  What if he didn't come back?  What
> if this was his last life?

yessssssss psychological exploration wonderful stuff

> It was horrible and nightmarish.  It was a shivering man in clown make up (think The Tim Curry
> version of Stephen King's It) wearing a Freddy Krueger outfit clutching a flash light.  "Coward
> Lad?  Is -- is that you?"

omg

> And then it
> all came back to Cannon Fodder.  There was no stopping the Revampiric Bomb from blowing up because
> it had already happened years ago.  Two Thirds of everyone in Net.ropolis had died that day.  The
> rest had transformed into zombies, werewolves, revampires, ghosts, witches, ghouls, goblins, or in
> Coward Lad's case a demonic bogeyman that could control people's nightmares.  Like the Nightmare
> that he was currently in.

*Fascinating*. I love this idea. :o

> "Nononono!  Can't leave here.  Everything too too too spooky!  C-Can't..."
> 
> "Look, you don't want to stay under there.  There's tons of spiders under..."
> 
> "Spiders?!!!!" screamed Coward Lad as he quickly rushed out from under Cannon Fodder's bed.

X3

> "Yeah, spiders," grinned Cannon Fodder slightly.  "Don't worry.  Just stick with me and I'll
> protect you from all that."  It was an absurd statement considering that of the two of them only
> Coward Lad had the power to control nightmares.  But it didn't matter since he was afraid of those
> powers of his.  He was afraid of everything

That's so fricking perfect. It's so perfect I want to give him those powers in 
the main timeline. X>

> And they walked through this dream version of what was now The Headquarters.  Not the Legion of
> Net.Heroes Headquarters or even The Legion of Night Hellmasters Headquarters (as they decided to
> call themselves for a week or so before they found that a bit too silly.)

X3

> But it was now The
> Headquarters -- and this version was very orderly.  There were no vanishing rooms and hallways.
> Everything was where it was supposed to be -- and where it would always be.

Oh, now *that's* fuckin' scary

> Before The Bomb, he had been a man named Felix Landers -- second command of the LNH.
> But The Bomb had changed him -- it had made him into a Revampire and one of the more powerful
> Revampires.  He was now the Leader of this new Legion.  And he had a new name.  He was now called
> -- The Lord of Fear.

*Damn* :o

> "Ohgod... he's looking at us!  He's..." said Coward Lad racing as quickly as possible out of the
> room.  And Cannon Fodder could feel The Lord of Fear gazing at him.  But it didn't last for long.
> The Lord of Fear went back to his gun.  There was this sad look in his eyes.

*man* this is incredibly good shit.

> He wouldn't be waking up
> from this dream.  He knew that.  He wasn't sleeping in some bed in the real world.  No.
> 
> He walked towards a room that was being guarded by WikiSentinels.  Once they had been an LNH'r by
> the name of WikiBoy, but after the change he had split into a number of these faceless mechanical
> monstrosities whose only purpose was to do whatever The Legion needed of them.  And these two were
> guarding a room.  They ignored Cannon Fodder as he moved past them and entered the room.  And
> that's where he was now in the waking world.  He looked at this hibernation pod type thing.  He
> could see his face through a blue tinted window.  Various tubes and wires were attached to this
> body to keep it alive in a forever coma.  Strangely enough he looked almost at peace.
> 
> Almost.

God. This is intense and dark without feeling, like, gratuitous or overwhelming. 
It's working really well so far.

> But there was nothing now.  Nothing at all.  And maybe
> it was just as well.  Sure, everyone told her how beautiful she looked.  They were always
> complementing her.  But maybe they were just afraid of her and didn't dare tell her the truth.
> The truth of how hideous and ugly she really was.  They couldn't tell her that she had the face of
> a monster.  A horrible monster.  No.  They couldn't tell her that.  She was Lady Ripper --
> although no one would ever dare call her that.  No, she was just The Lady.  And they were all
> afraid of her.  Very afraid.

a.) Awwww sweetie
b.) Holy fuckin shit

> Huck Dolluhrind groaned as he got up from the ratty mattress he had been sleeping on.  He could
> feel his 79 year old bones creaking.  This wasn't how he had wanted to spend his Twilight Years.

Oh, damn, tie-ins!

> Yeah, he could just betray
> all of his teammates and join up with the Monsters that ruled the world and live happily ever
> after.  Huck sighed.  No, he couldn't do that.  Was it the Namerboyuhneeen that was stopping him?
> Or maybe it was that Huck Dolluhrind part that just couldn't.

I really didn't expect this character to keep developing. <3

> Or maybe it was what those bastards did FIN FANFIC FOOM.  They didn't have do that.  They really
> fucking didn't.  No, they needed to go down.

Oh, shit. :o

> The Van had these
> screaming pink fluorescent lights flashing away on its top that even the blindest person couldn't
> miss.  On the side of the Van was a very colorful rainbowtacular Mount Rushmore-style mural (but
> with Andy Warhol, John Travolta, Dan Rather and Meat Loaf as the various Presidents).  And there
> was occasionally a very loud honking blaring away from the Van as the driver slammed the horn with
> great fury.  Something that sounded a bit like the Car Horn version of Billy Ray Cyrus's 'Achy Breaky
> Heart'.  It was very loud.

:D :D :D The Easily-Discovered Van!!! <3

> On one of the rooftops The Lord of Fear was looking at all this with some powerful binoculars
> (which honestly he probably didn't need -- I mean a blind person looking from the International
> Space Station could probably easily spot where this Van was without any equipment to enhance that
> person's sight.  This Van was Very Easy to Discover.  Very, Very Easy.)

X>

> When it gets down to
> it -- I have one thing that I'm really great at.  Murdering horny college kids who are partying in
> the woods with a chainsaw.  Really great at that.  Point me right at some horny college kids that
> need to be murdered -- and I'm right there.

Good to know o3o

> "Oh dear -- did you just cast an aspersion on me?  That I am some how a 'P-Word'?"  If you could
> have lifted the Namer Boy mask off of Mr. Chainsaw Guy's face -- you would've seen a very pained
> and very hurt expression. 

X3 <3 <3 <3

> "Is that...?" said a puzzled Lord of Fear as he watched all of this transpire.
> 
> "Charlie Sheen," said a pale lady next to him.  Once she had been called Sister State-The-Obvious
> or wReanna by those she was close with -- but now she was simply -- The Stater.

heeheehee

> Stater watched as Charlie Sheen put his head deep in that pile and began to snort it all up like a
> vacuum cleaner.  "I believe he's snorting all of that coke on his Van like a vacuum cleaner."
> 
> "Yes!  I know that -- I can see that!! Why?!  Why is he doing it!!?"
> 
> "I guess -- he has a very, very bad drug problem?" she said hoping that would be helpful.

X3 <3 <3 <3

> The Lord of Fear sighed in a irritated manner.  The silliness of it all was starting to creep its
> way up here.  Was that part of their plan?

yesssss
> This being had the face of a dead LNH'r by the name of Ferris Jones -- or the Deductive Logic Man.
> But it was attached to a body that wasn't Deductive Logic Man's.  The body was of another LNH'r.
> Can-Handle-Any-Type-of-Change-Except-for-the-Ultimate-Ninja-Wearing-a-Cape Lad.  And it had an arm
> that had once belonged to Contraption Man.  And the other arm -- by Organic Lass.  And legs that had
> this great burning desire to play the game Net.Trek because they had once belonged to Multi-Tasking
> Man.   And it wasn't Ferris Jones's brain that controlled all of these different stitched together
> body parts.  No.  It was Dr. Stomper's brain -- or Dr. Stahmpeurstein as they now called themselves.
> The Lord of Fear didn't want to know how all these different body parts of various dead LNH'rs had
> all united.  And he hoped he would never learn.

holy shit. X3 That's amazing.

Drew "so many good concepts" Nilium