LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #242: Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade that will Probably Never Have an Ending Part Eight

[Arthur Spitzer]

You can sift through the racc list archive
https://lists.eyrie.org/pipermail/racc/
or you can try google groups racc for this issue of JAMWCtwPNHaE.

Jeanne Morningstar gives us 'Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade That Will
Probably Never Have an Ending' chapter 12.  Are we reaching the end and
did Dr. Turn-On-Tune-Out-Drop-Out bring enough Fruit Rollups of
Enlightenment for Everyone?!


Find out in...



              _						
             | |      Classic			
             | |                      =
             | |      ____    ____    _    ____    ___
             | |__   | [] |  | [] |  | |  | [] |  | _ \  

             |____|   \__]    \__ |  |_|   \__/   |_|\_\
                                 ||
                                |_|  OF NET.HEROES

                                    ADVENTURES #242


                         =====================
               Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade that will 
                  Probably Never Have an Ending Part Eight
                         =====================






From: Adrian McClure mrfantastic7 at gmail.com
Date: Wed Apr 1 12:14:55 PDT 2015

NOT A HOAX! NOT A DREAM! NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE! IT'S…

JUST ANOTHER CASCADE THAT WILL NEVER HAVE AN ENDING #12

"Everything Ends"

by Adrian McClure

Note: This issue continues from Looniverse Y #14

[The cover shows someone holding the Kubrik's Kube in her hand, against the
backdrop of stars. Each of the Kube's facets show the face of a different
LNHer.]

OUTER SPACE, THE PLANET INFERIOR

The end was near, Net.Access knew it.  Lan.OS had dramatically gestured his
hands to send Net.Access to the Friend Zone to retrieve the Kubrick's Kube
and allow him to fulfil his destiny. Which, of course, she was going to
stop. She was already running through strategies to defeat this fearsome
enemy. She'd already helped her friends save the universe from the Hungry
Past in a really impressive way she couldn't quite remember [cf. the ending
of Just Imagine, coming soon], but now she'd do it on her own. This would
be her moment, the moment when she proved she was truly worthy of being an
LNHer.

LAN.os waved his hand and nothing happened. "Where are you?" he said "Bah!
I knew I could never rely upon a woman!"

"Don't ask me," said Net.Access. "I'm not doing anything. I have no idea
what's happening." She frowned. There was something weirdly familiar about
this "Friend Zone" thing, but she couldn't quite pin down why. She had
tried taking Advanced Metacosmology in her one semester of Dave Thomas
Deluxe University, but the class was at 8:30 in the morning, so she'd
gotten absolutely nothing out of it. It had probably been a bad idea to
take it as a freshman, too, and she probably shouldn't have taken 27 credit
hours. No one had ever accused her of lacking ambition.

"Hold on," she said. "I think I remember about this "Friend Zone"—you can't
enter it alone. That's kind of the whole point. You need friends there."

"But… I have been alone for countless centuries of hellish torment! Forever
alone!" Every single person in the audience winced.

"But you were sent here by a cosmic entity, right?" said Net.Access. "So
that wasn't how it's supposed to work normally."

"I… perhaps." LAN.os crossed his arms and grunted. "Where, then, are your
friends?"

"I… I don't know." They were all back on Earth, as far as she knew. She
hoped she'd live to see them again, and she couldn't wait to tell them
about all this. "I think there are ways of getting around this. Hold on."

Holding the pattern in her mind, she shifted her body again. This time
she'd turned into a mode of transport again, but it was a different kind of
thing—a time ship, not borrowing from classical mythology but from a book
she'd read recently based on a TV show that was probably never coming back.

"Okay guys," she said, "I've summoned the block transfer equations of a
Type 103 Time Ship. I'll need a crew to operate me, though."

"You may take whoever you wish," said LAN.os, "as long as Ultimate Ninja
and Fearless Leader, the leaders, remain here."

Ultimate Ninja screamed and leaped, drawing his katana. LAN.os's hologram,
flickering with power, backhanded him, freezing him in place.

"That's not going to work," said Sister State-the-Obvious

"I guess we'll have to negotiate," said Fearless Leader.

"All right," said Net.Access, "we'll need a group with a wide range of
skills and abilities for whatever we might encounter out there. I'm going
with…" She rubbed her chin for a moment, inwardly cackling with glee. All
her time reading the LNH roster would finally pay off. Although the team
had probably gained a lot of members since she had left the Looniverse.
Well, she'd work with what she could remember. "Well, beside me, how
about.. Catalyst Lass, Doctor Stomper, Sister State-the-Obvious—"

"I"m here!" said Sister State-the-Obvious.

"Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out…" She remembered the Legion of Net.Hippies a
bit from her history reading at least.

"Absolutely!"

"—and… Pliable Lad? How did you get here?"

"Rifts, I guess," said Pliable Lad. He shrugged. "Last I remember, I was in
the LNHQ, trying to help close them, then we put a piece of Beige Midnight
Story into the rifts to close them, and I guess I got dragged through them."

"Most likely," said Dr. Stomper, "you were hit by crossover radiation."

"OK, Pliable Lad. Then we're good to go."

"Very well then!" said LAN.os "And remember, if you do not retrieve the
Kube and bring me to this world, I will kill every one of these LNHers!"
The Legionnaires readied for combat—Cannon Fodder raised his gun and Token
Girl her slingshot that shot exploding bus tokens—but before they could
move, red force fields appeared around everyone's chair.

"You and what army?" said Token Girl.

"This one, as it happens." LAN.os pointed to his assembled soldiers. "But
as it happens, I do not need them!" He snapped his fingers and a red bolt
struck Cannon Fodder, killing him. Cannon Fodder sighed.

"…all right. Let's do this." Net.Access unfolded her own body, revealing a
door.

"Gah!" said Pliable Lad. He blinked. "Never mind, sorry. I'm the last
person who should be freaked out by weird shapeshifting stuff…" He opened
the door and hesitantly walked in. The others followed. They found
themselves in a wide, airy room with walls and console made of pink and
purple crystal.

"Oooh, nice," said Catalyst Lass. Dr. Stomper

"Sister State-The-Obvious?" said Pliable Lad. "What happened to your hair?"

"I cut it."

"Uh…" Catalyst Lass looked at Sister State-the-Obvious's hand, where her
wedding ring had once been, and frowned. "OK, so does anyone have any
plans? I assume the idea was to get us all in here so we could make an
escape plan to take down LAN.os."

"Yeah," said Net.Access. "Can any of you contact the outside?"

"Of course we can coordinate, man," said Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out.
"I'll just use my mega-groovy astral form! Just give me a moment to trip
out…" He pulled something from his pocket.

"Is that a fruit rollup?" said

"It's not just any fruit rollup, man! It's a Fruit Rollup of Enlightenment,
engrooved with the patterns of the cosmos."

"Well, whatever works," said Net.Access. "Anyway, can you join with your
teammates and arrange some kind of jailbreak?"

"Sure thing!" Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out unrolled the fruit roll-up, sat
in the lotus position, and slowly and reverently ate it. A ghostly blue
afterimage afterimage of him floated up from his body and then vanished,
bursting into sparkling blue lights…

****

All of the LNH had been teleported into LAN.os's massive dungeon, where
they were imrpisoned in stasis pods. (Your favorite character who hasn't
shown up yet was probably there, but unfortunately didnt' have much to do
other than be trapped and confused.)

Burning Bra Lass struggled against her bonds, as Anti-Christ Lad attempted
to send forth his soul-self beside her. The ghostly form of Dr.
Turn-On-Tune-in-Drop-Out appeared in midair in front of them. "Whoa, this
is radical!" he said.

.o(What are you doing here?) said Burning Bra Lass, effortlessly slipping
into the psychic speech the team had practiced.

.o(I've got, like, this important message to lay down on you, brother and
sister. I'm—uh—)

.o(What is this grave message which you have to impart to us, my friend?)
said Anti-Christ Lad.

.o(I… um… whoa! Look at that, man! I can hear the cosmos resonate…
Seriously what if, like, our universe was like one small atom in this
massive cosmic macrostructure? You ever think about that?)

.o(Oh no), said Burning Bra Lass. She would have slapped her forehead if
she could

.o(My friend, you have partaken overmuch of the food of enlightenment!)

.o(Seriously man you… whoa, your'e really pretty.) His astral hand reached
out to touch Anti-Christ Lad's face.

.o(…thank you?) said Anti-Christ Lad, blushing.

.o(Look, this ain't the time,) said Burning Bra Lass, but she found herself
smiling. .o(Save the cute stuff for later, just tell us what's going down.)

.o(We're hoping we can start a jail break, man. I can give you a blast of
cosmic love to jump start your powers! Wait, no, that came out all weird,
man…)

.o(Yes, that did sound rather off color, my friend, although—)

.o(Save it for later, you two), said Burning Bra Lass, grinning ear to ear.
Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out touched each of their foreheads with his
astral fingers, setting off blue sparks, and then he vanished.

Burning Bra Lass closed her eyes and clenched her fists. Her bra began to
crackle with a bright orange flame, which gradually spread out over the
pod. Then it burst open and she fell on the floor, covered with stasis
fluid, and determiend. "There ain't no chain I can't break!" she cried,
raising her fist in the sky.

Two of the Dorf guards, soldiers left over from the invasion the LNH had
fought as well as other factions of the prolonged Dorf Civil War that had
since fallen apart [see LNH v2 #50], charged in after her, rifles at the
ready. She knocked one down with a single punch to the gut, then blasted
another with flames. A third, behind her, was felled by a nerve pinch from
the guard beside her. "That you, Anti-Christ Lad?" said Burning Bra Lass.
As if in answer, the possessed guard floated in midair and his head began
to spin around, vomiting on the four guards who were closing in.

She smashed Anti-Christ Lad's pod, freeing him, and he drew his soul-self
back into his body. "We won!" said Burning Bra Lass.

"Do you call this a victory? When I have yet again used my Satanic powers
and fallen into the path of my dark destiny? I—"

"Leave the speech-making to the politicians, Anti-Christ Lad. We got a
universe to save."

"Aye, but how do we free the Legion in time to face that entire army?" The
Dorf guards were swarming into the prison station.

"We kick their ass. It's simple."

"True. And yet I cannot help but feel a certain regret. How many of them
are truly committed to LAN.os's evil cause? I entered the mind of yon
soldier—he joined LAN.os after his army fell apart, but his mind was full
of regrets and fears he could not bring himself to express…"

"Hmm, maybe you got a point. Let's see…" She backflipped on top of the
paltform in the center of the room. "Listen up people!" she said. The whole
army stopped in their tracks. "All right," she said. "You could beat us up
now—which would mean a lot of hurt for you. What are you getting out of it?"

"We must serve the will of LAN.os!" shouted one.

"Why?" said Burning Bra Lass, crossing her arms. The flames in her bra
leaped up for emphasis.

"Because he pays us!" said another.

"…not really," said a third. "Not a whole lot." They started to grumble
among themselves.

"I know that a lot of you are outcast in your own worlds, with nowhere to
go. But LAN.os won't do you any good. You'll just replace one thing that's
pressing you down for another. Do you want to keep lashing out because you
can and hurt people who are just like you? Or do you want to *use* your
anger and hit where it matters?"

"Let's get him!" said an insectoid alien in the crowd, starting a mutter
that gradually turned into a roar.

"I thought so," said Burning Bra Lass.

"I thought you said to leave the speech making to the politicians?"
whispered Anti-Christ Lad.

"Yeah, I'm better than you at that. Sorry." She smirked.

"Good job, people!" Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out's astral form flickered
back into existence. "Sorry, just tuned out there a bit."

"Yeah—gnn!" Burning Bra Lass's flames shot up again, and she fell on her
knees before pulling herself together..

"Hey, are you ok?" Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out's astral form hovered over
her. "You gotta be careful, man. Like, I admire you a lot, but sometimes
I'm worried you give too much for the cause. Like, if you're fighting a
world that doesn't love you, you gotta love yourself too, y'know?"

"Yeah, yeah. Let's just get this done."

****

Net.Access found herself materializing within the Friend Zone. At the
moment, the sky was bright a rainbow of soft colors. She stood on a cliff
overlooking a calm ocean. Iridescent birds flew by and sang melodious
songs. In the ocean, she could see dolphins playing. A light purple octopus
arose from the depths and waved at her with its tentacles, then sank back
down.

It was a calm, peaceful place. She wanted to stay here and enjoy the
feeling of the soft breeze and take in everything. But she didn't want to
be there alone. Maybe someday she'd be able to take Victoria here and they
could sit together and watch the ocean… assuming that worked out.

"Ahem," said LAN.os. Net.Access remembered what she was doing there and
coughed. "Now, we shall join together and capture the Kube—and then I shall
be victorious! Even with all your might, you shall never be able to
overcome me! It shall be a battle for the ages, but one where I shall
triumph, for I possess the rational aptitude that you, a mere woman, can
never imagine!"

"All right then," she said, "Let's get this over with." She unfolded
herself again, revealing the door. LAN.os stared in disgust, but then
opened the door, cackling with glee…

And fell into an endless dark void, screaming all the way down.

"What happened?" said Pliable Lad.

"I sent him to a null-time pocket," said Net.Access. "It should hold until
we get this mess sorted out."

"Well, it looks as if we managed the prison break, and bagging LAN.os,"
said Catalyst Lass. "Now we just find the Kube. That should be pretty easy
for you as a time ship, right?"

"I—" The console room shook. "Uh," said Net.Access, "I'm not sure how long
I can hold this together. I'm channeling these equations from another
universe, but I don't really understand them. But I should be able to grab
the Kube."

"Hmm," said Doctor Stomper, fiddling with the dials on her console.
Net.Access found herself wishing again that Victoria were here. She might
understand this weird feeling of not quite inhabiting your own body. And
Dr. Stomper was doing pretty well piloting her but Victoria, even without
the mindlink they possessed when Net.Access was in machine form, would do
so much better. She imagined Victoria's fingers deftly operating her
controls… And then she felt herself blush a little. Thankfully, she was in
the vortex of Hypertext-time, and no one was around to watch…

"Oooh, that was neat," said Catalyst Lass.

"…what was?" said Net.Acccess.

"When you made the wall of your console room glow a bit."

Net.Access sighed. "Dr. Stomper, can you zero in on the Kube?"

"I—hmm." He put up a diagram of Hypertext-time—everything the LNH was or
could be—on the screen. "I think we may have other problems. Pliable Lad,"
he said, pointing to the jagged and growing holes in the
constantly-shifting structure, "are those the rifts you meantioned?"

"Yeah, I'm afraid so," he said. "We tried to fix things by activating some
inspiration particles with concentrated Beige Midnight Story…"

"I see," said Dr. Stomper. A golden glow was making its way up the holes,
slowly patching them, but not as fast as they were growing. "We'll have to
stimulate the inspiration particles somehow. It should be possible to
restore the universe as long as nobody's started any cascades since this
one." He opened the LNH wiki and skimmed the list of recent stories.

"Hey," said Pliable Lad, looking over his shoulder, "what's Death of Trophy
Wife?"

"Oh dear," said Dr. Stomper.

And then the multiverse exploded.
-------------- next part --------------


From: Adrian McClure mrfantastic7 at gmail.com
Date: Wed Apr 1 12:19:49 PDT 2015


"No," said Catalyst Lass, as the rifts opened wide, encompassing
everything. At first slowly, and then faster and faster, everything on the
diagram began to fade away. And then there was nothing. Not light, not
darkness, not noise, not silence. Nothing at all.

For a moment that stretched out forever—although it was hard to tell,
because there was no time anymore except for the bubble inside the
ship—everyone was silent.

Then a being appeared in midair—a stick figure with angel wings and a
flaming sword. "What the hell is that?" said Catalyst Lass.

"Uh... that's the embodiment of Simplicity," said Net.Access [last seen in
Ultimate Mercenary #7]

"Ha!" it said. "I told you if you made things too complicated everything
would be destroyed! I was right! I told you soooooo…" Then, gradually, he
faded away and was gone. The silence fell again. Everyone stared out at the
nothing in the viewscreen.

"Man, what a drag," said Dr. Tune-on-Turn-In-Drop-Out.

"So it's just us," said Sister State-the-Obvious.

"It is," said Net.Access. "And I don't think I can keep us here for much
longer. We're basically going to die in a few minutes." She made a muffled
noise that was somewhere between laughter and crying. The room turned
silent again, until Pliable Lad said, "huh."

"What is it?" said Catalyst Lass.

"I think I know why I'm here now," said Pliable Lad. "See, I was jumping
back and forth between these different timelines… I guess they were all
different worlds of RACC. This was a couple months after the first vote to
create RACC which failed. [Pliable Lad #8] And I think the RACelestials
sent me there so I could decide for the vote. And maybe they wanted me to
see if RACC has a future… I guess it doesn't." He laughed weakly.

"We lost," said Sister State-The-Obvious.

"No we haven't, not yet," said Catalyst Lass. "Come on, guys. We can retcon
this."

"Yeah! This, uh, this isn't even the first time the entire universe has
died, right?" said Net.Access.

Dr. Stomper rubbed his beard. "I'd like to believe that's the case. But
frankly, our entire existence as a group after 20 years stretches
probability to the breaking point. If it ended here I wouldn't be
surprised. I'll do what I can, but I'm not really sure what I can do."

"We do totally have some of the most brilliant and groovy minds of all
time, dude," said Dr. Tune-On-Turn-In-Drop-Out.

"True," said Dr. Stomper. "If only we had time…"

"I.. I don't know… I don't want to bring it back," said
Sister-State-the-Obvious. "Usenet has died out. Most of the authors who
made the LNH matter are gone and took their characters with them. And most
of the relationships that people cared about are gone… All of the LNH
stories this year have been written by two people. It has to end
eventually. There are so many things in fandom culture that get drawn out
too long and do nothing but disappoint people."

"What? How can you say that?" said Dr. Stomper. "You want to kill
everything?"

She shook her head. "I can't make myself care."

"wReanna," said Dr. Stomper, "I know your marriage doesn't exist anymore,
but… but…" He shook his head. "But that's the thing. There aren't happy
endings for people like us. But there's always other stories, new
potential. It never ends."

"It just did."

"I…" He looked out the window, into the great emptiness where the universe
had been, their small spaceship the only fragment of life remaining. "I
wish Sing-Along Lass were here."

"It was never going to work out."

"I know." Tears glistened in his eyes, though he held his voice even. "I
just remembered her—her powers—she was able to channel the Cosmic Plot
Device. [in Beige Midnight] I was hoping—" He looked out into the window,
his words lost in the nothing all around them.

"I'm sorry," croaked Sister State the Obvious. She squeezed his hand.
"You're a good man."

"Thank you."

"But that's not enough."

"Maybe not," said Pliable Lad, ‘but it's not just him. I don't know how
much has changed since my time, but… Even with just the six of us, we're
still the Legion, and there's nothing we can't do!"

"He's right," said Net.Access. "We can do this. And we should. When I was
in college, struggling to get stuff done, with no money and no social life,
I used to read about the Legion every day. It was the only hope I had.
Maybe there's someone out there in the Real World who feels the same way.
Even if there's just one or two people who care about it, that's still
enough."

"Yeah!" said Catalyst Lass. "We can bring back the world. And we should.
There's so much great stuff. like Cheesecake Eater Lad and his pepperoni
and avocado cheesecakes, and Token Girl and her life size Totoro plushie,
and the Peril Room and the sub-basements, the kiwis and the oozelfinches…
all of that."

Everyone gasped. Somewhere in the cold and endless emptiness, a star
briefly flickered back into life.

"Wait a minute," said Catalyst Lass. "Did I just—"

"Catalyze the universe back into existence for a bit?" said Doctor Stomper.
"I… I think so."

"Hmm. Is there any way we can boost my catalytic effect?"

"…I think so!" said Net.Access. "I could use my circuits to 'broadcast' the
effect, maybe…"

"But we'd have to use both magic and science, and like… smoosh them
together, man," said Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out.

"Well," said Net.Access, "we could use my block transfer circuitry to do
that, I guess…" The room shuddered again. "I think I can hold together that
long. It'd take a lot of power though."

"We could use your own enthusiasm for the LNH as a battery source!" said
Doctor Stomper. He and Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out huddled together and
started drawing up plans and technobabbling together.

"We will need some rubber bands though," Doctor Stomper added.

"I guess I can take care of that," said Pliable Lad.

After some rummaging around, they put together a device, stuck together out
of various things in Dr. Stomper's and Dr. Turn-On-Tune-in-Drop-Out's
pockets and held together by Pliable Lad. "Oww," said Pliable Lad. "This
kind of hurts."

"Don't worry," said Doctor Stomper. "This shouldn't take long."

The ship was absolutely quiet. At first nothing seemed to happen. But
gradually, one by one, pieces of the world back to life, then faster and
faster as the device ran on. Pliable Lad felt his mind stretch and distort
along with his body. He heard a strange noise somewhere, on a plane beyond
the physical. He was conscious of being watched by something far beyond his
comprehension.

Philosophers and mystics might argue about whether a tree falling in a
forest made a sound, but Pliable Lad now knew what was the sound of
RACelestials nodding.

Catalyst Lass stared into the whirling depths of the  "Oh my god," said
Catalyst Lass. "I can see… I can see everything. The Kube—it's a microcosm
of the Usenetverse. The pattern—it's everywhere—I can see it!"

The winds of creation blasted the ship out of the outside dimension it had
occupied. But now it was caught in the stream of time and space between
worlds, drifting through the kaleidoscopic of hypertext-time.

"Whoa!" said Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out. "Turbulence!"

"We're going to crash!" said Sister State-the-Obvious.

"Look!" Catalyst Lass saw something approaching on the viewscreen from the
stream between the worlds, something shrouded in darkness. "She's coming."

"What's that, man?" said Dr. Turn-On-Tune-in-Drop-Out. "That looks like one
seriously bad trip, brothers and sisters—and it's headed our way!"

"I could have told you that," said Sister State the Obvious.

"No," said Catalyst Lass, who still had a blissed-out smile on her face.
"She can save us."

"She?"

As the dark being approached the ship, they saw it was a human figure in
armor. The armored being embraced the ship's figurehead, and there was a
burst of light. The LNH found themselves drifting gently through the air in
the same realm they'd left behind, with the armored figure holding
Net.access in their arms.

As she reached the ground, her helmet retracted, sending her long black
hair flowing in the dramatic wind that didn't seem to be affecting anyone
else.

Net.Access opened her eyes and saw the woman standing over her. "Victoria?
I'm alive?"

"Yeah. I got you, Alice."

"What's going on? Where are we?"

"I reached you through the Friend Zone," she said. "That's where we are
now. Because… we are friends, and we always will be even if things don't
work out in, you know, the dating way. And I'm not going to let go of that.
I think…"

"Yeah?"

"I think we can make this work. I don't know who I was before, but
everything we've been through together, where we are now… It matters. I
think this is worth a try."

"Oh my god, really?" She nuzzled into Victoria. "That's great!"

"I…" Victoria smiled uneasily, stroking her hair. "I honestly find it kind
of hard to believe you're really into me."

"Why? You're great."

Victoria looked away and shook her head. "No I'm not. You're cool and
confident and heroic. I'm scared and confused and I have no idea what I'm
doing."

Net.Access laughed. "You really think I know what I'm doing? Well I don't.
My life, it's like this train whose brakes fell out and the ride's great
but what's going to happen when I reach the destination? I have no idea
what I'm doing either. Well… except for hopefully you."

"Aaaa!" Victoria twitched, almost dropping Net.Access.

"Oh my god!" Nec.Access slapped her forehead. "Did I go to far?"

"No! No, I uh, I… I really like that you're, you're into me like that."
She tapped Net.Access on the nose. Net.Access laughed, putting her arms
around Victoria's neck, and drew in to kiss her.

"Aaaaa!" said Catalyst Lass. "That's so adorable!" Victoria drew her sword,
dropping Net.access on the ground. "Oh, sorry," she said. "I, I just,
romance is great. I'm Catalyst Lass." She hurriedly re-composed herself and
held out her hand. "Sorry."

"OK, I've heard of you," said Victoria. She looked around, taking in the
scenery, and frowned. "OK, what's going on here?"

"Well!" said Doctor Stomper, "Quite a bit, really." He then explained as
best he could about the Rifts.

"Hmmm, I knew about the rifts," said Victoria. "I ran into that in the
other universe. So where's this Kube—"

"I've got it." Catalyst Lass had pulled the Kube out of her pocket and was
playing with it, almost caressing it. Her laughter was a little worrying.
"I remember the pattern," she whispered. "I can do this… I can remember
everything. I can reach the out to the whole universe. I can make
*everyone* happy."

"Should we maybe do something?" said Victoria, but she found she couldn't
move. The device began to throb with an unearthly hum, and Catalyst Lass
was enraptured in the slowly cohering pattern.

A tiny metal disc whooshed through the air, knocking out of her hands with
an explosion. "Not a chance, Galadriel," said Token Girl.

"What? How dare you?" She blinked, slowly taking in the world around her.
"Oh! Tara!" " She leaped at Token Girl like a cat,  almost knocking her
over. "You're alive!"

"Yeah." She smirked. "I thought that was Sister State the Obvious's job."

"You'd be surprised," said Sister State-the-Obvious.

"You OK?" said Token Girl.

"Yeah, just feeling kind of… cosmic," said Catalyst Lass. "I saw
everything, I can't remember it all, but… there were three things. Three
things I had to remember. About the future of the Legion. I know—I know who
needs the Kube." She bent down to pick it up and put it back into her
pocket, not looking at it.

"Let's get going," said Token Girl. "There's a revolution going on. It
should be winding down right about now."

"How did you find me, anyway?" said Catalyst Lass.

"Well, duh, this is the Friend Zone. I guess you must have brought me here
subconsciously since you knew you needed me." She side-hugged her tightly
as they walked together. They realized a glowing blue aura had surrounded
them, which gave off a bell-like tone. When Victoria reached down to help
up Net.Access, they too were surrounded by an aura, impossibly bright. Dr.
Stomper reached out his hand to Sister State-The-Obvious, who took it. A
faint aura surrounded them. Each aura had a different color and tone. The
LNHers realized they were hearing music all around them, the echoes of all
those who had passed through this world.

"Man," said Catalyst Lass, "this place is pretty nice. Why would anyone
hate it?"

"Some people," said Dr. Turn-On-Tune-In-Drop-Out, "are just not groovy."

As it happened, Token Girl's entrance into the dimension had created a
portal back to Planet Inferior. The rest of the team stepped back through
it, to the former throne room of LAN.os, where the army was gathered along
with the freed LNHers.

"Welcome back!" said Anti-Christ Lad. "Where is LAN.os? Yon disgruntled
horde would have words with him?"

"I've got him," said Net.Access. She hacked up the time bubble, which
burst, dropping LAN.os on the floor. He was once more in his throne room,
but things were quite different for him now, surrounded by a hostile army.

"All right," said Burning Bra Lass, "it's over for you now, LAN.os. The fat
lady sang. And that's me!"

"No! No! It can't end like this!" LAN.os was on the verge of tears. "You
can't take this away from me! Everything I ever did, I did for love!"

"Well why didn't you pay us?" said one of the Dorf soldiers.

"Love is expensive!" He stood up and his hands crackled with energy. He
probably couldn't stop this whole army, Catalyst Lass thought, but he'd do
a lot of damage going down. "I will not stand for this! I must have the
Kubrik's Kube! I must have the love of Lydia—"

"Okay, this has gone on long enough." Lydia Devin stepped out of the
shadows, facing LAN.os. "Look. I hate to break it to you—well, actually, I
don't—but it's not going to work. For one thing, I'm not interested in
*any*one that way. For another thing, I wouldn't be interested in you
anyway. You don't need the Kube, because it'd just tell you what you
already know and you won't listen. The reason no one wants you isn't
because the universe is unfair, it's because you're a colossal douchebag."

LAN.os removed the fedora from his head and shed a single tear.

"And incidentally," said Lydia, "I could write a whole damn book about how
unfair the universe is, and in fact I did [it's being revised right
now!—ed.], and you don't hear me whining half as much as you."

"I… I…" LAN.os fell to the floor and started bawling. "Then I have lost
everything! What is there left for me to do?"

"Well, um," said Lydia, "you could try exploring the Friend Zone a bit. You
know, actually making friends.Not that I could give you any help there.
That's why i sent you there—you'd have to really make friends with someone
if you wanted to get out. I could have just destroyed you, or I don't know,
punished you by turning you into a dildo or something, but… That's who i
am, I guess. That's not what I want to do with my life. "

"Ha! How could I ever have idolized you?" LAN.os grimaced through his
tears. "You are foolish, and weak—"

"Well, I'm not the one trying to take over the universe because I was
turned down, so what ever" said Lydia.

"OK," said Fearless Leader, "it looks like we're pretty much done. Let's—"

And then a towering image of a woman appeared above them. Everyone
instantly went still. A few of the LNHers had encountered her before. The
earliest members had fought her in the days of the Cry.sig on Infinite
Net.Earths, a few others had run across her later traveling between worlds
[in the Ultimate Mercenary miniseries]. But everyone recognized her. She
was one of the first and greatest enemies the LNH had ever faced—the
Crossover Queen.

"I am pleased you worked this issue out before I needed to intervene," she
said. "However, I am the rightful wielder of the Kube, the one who can make
the best use of it. Surrender it to me this instant or you will regret it."

By her side was a bulky armored figure. Net.Access gasped. "That's him—the
cyborg knight guy we saw earlier" [in Ultimate Mercenary v1 #3-4], she
whispered to Victoria.

"This is the Ultimate Hero," said the Crossover Queen, "forged from the
body parts of gods and heroes of legend. He is the first and foremost of my
champions—the Beige Order."

Before she could finish, Victoria lunged at her, slashing at the heel of
the towering image of Crossover Queen with her sword, but it passed through
the hologram harmlessly." She waved her hand, and Victoria was encased in a
pillar of black crystal. Everyone was trapped by a forcefield except for
Ultimate Ninja, Fearless Leader, and Catalyst Lass, the one holding the
Kube.

"Okay," said Catalyst Lass, pulling the Kube out of her pocket and fiddling
with it. "Why should we give this to you?"

The Crossover Queen's image shrunk down to human size and looked Catalyst
Lass in the eye. "Usenet has dwindled into almost nothing," she said. "Its
death is a foregone conclusion. Only I have the power and the vision to
restore it."

"Well, *you* weren't the one who just brought the multiverse back after it
blew up." Catalyst Lass giggled.

"Ah yes." The Crossover Queen scowled. "That was impressive—"

"Why thank you." Catalyst Lass wiggled her eyebrows.

"But it was merely a temporary solution. One way or another, this continuum
will die, unless I intervene. Already, worlds touching your own are
threatened by cosmic catastrophes!" She waved her hand and they saw a
massive grungy spaceship looming over a dead Earth, and confused and
terrified angels fleeing a disintegrating Heaven. [see recent/impending
events in LNHY—ed.] "In this age, can you afford to be riddled with such
chaos? Look at all these cascades—they almost destroyed your world, how can
you allow them to run rampant?"

"What's wrong with cascades? I thought you were the Crossover Queen."

"Cascades and crossovers seem to resemble each other," said Crossover
Queen, "but they are deeply opposed. Crossovers are forces of order,
binding worlds together, while cascades are forces of chaos, disrupting and
destroying all common sense. What was the point of all that business with
the duck?"

"Why did there need to be a point?" said Catalyst Lass. "If you ask me, I
think that kind of silliness is why we're still here. It's the reason the
LNH is still around after so many other projects have been forgotten."

"Perhaps once upon a time, the Usenetverse could have afforded such
foolishness, but these are troubled times. Your team is a disorganized
rabble—it may have staved off this crisis, but what about the next one? Or
the next?"

"We're doing pretty well so far." Catalyst Lass put her hands on her hips.

"You do not know what you are rejecting, Catalyst Lass. Your power and
leadership is as great as mine. If you joined me, your world need fear
nothing again!" The Queen threw up her arms. "You are worthy to stand as my
consort, and your team to be my champions. Together, we could rule all of
Usenet!"

A visible shudder passed over Catalyst Lass. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm
good."

"Very well then. If you will not join us, you will die." The Crossover
Queen rose up into the air. "Listen to me, all you who came here to serve
LAN.os. Only my vision can restore Usenet to its glory. Inevitably, I would
clash with the only other power on usenet that could equal mine, if it were
not constantly wasting its time with pointless nonsense—the Legion of
Net.Heroes. Nonetheless, they will not give up their power lightly. A war
is about to begin—the greatest that has ever been in all of Usenet. All of
you who are gathered here had no future, no hope, no cause to serve. I will
give you one now. And of course, you will be paid well. Will you join me?"

About two thirds of the army walked over to the Queen and took its place
behind her. LAN.os himself lumbered over to her side, with him on her left
and Ultimate Hero on her right. The rest remained with the Legion.

"And what of you, Lydia Devin?" said the Crossover Queen.

"Hey don't look at me, Queenie, this isn't my universe," said Lydia, still
standing awkwardly to the side of everything. "I get enough headaches with
just the one"

"I could teach you to use your powers properly." She swirled over to Lydia
and looked her in the eyes. "You need not fear them. You need no longer
live under the tyranny of your sister…"

Lydia had looked as if she was considering it for a moment, but her face
hardened and she set her shoulders firmly. "Excuse me. That's not your
business. You're not the one who gets to get back at my sister." A dark
aura began to swirl around her. "Funny you should mention her. I knew you
reminded me of someone."

"Very well then. You have chosen your side and you will pay the price.
Within moments, one of my mightiest warriors will arrive here, wielding one
of the LNH's most powerful weapons. Even you will not be able to stop her."

There was a crackle of energy in the air. A red-haired teenage girl wearing
an armor that is covered in spikes and carrying a gun that's twice as big
as she is appeared. "YAHOO!" she shouted. "I'M THE COOLEST!" A group of
battered, defeated net.heroes the rest of the team didn't recognized (the
Legion of Young.Heroes, as it happened, along with Non-Judgmental Agnostic,
Manga Girl and Foreshadowing Lad) lay behind her.

"Is that…" said Doctor Stomper.

"Jesus," muttered Lydia. "Her fashion sense got even worse. I didn't know
that was possible."

Lacuna, one of those who'd been dragged in behind her stood up unsteadily
and took in the scene around her.. "Oh no," she said. "No. We're too late.
This is when it all started. The Beigewar."

"Okay!" said Merissa. "You people had better give me the Kube, or there
will be SERIOUS HURTING!" She put her finger on the trigger of the BIGGUN.

Catalyst Lass raised her finger to her lips, the rest of the team. She took
out the Kube and held it in her hand, looking at Merissa carefully.

"Sure," she said, and swiftly tossed the Kube to her.

TO BE CONCLUDED!

Notes: Well, there you have it. I've been working on this issue for a
while, but the current HCC, on shipping, motivated me to finish it, since
the whole issue was up being structured around relationships of various
kinds.

The "Type 103" form was derived from the Doctor Who novel Alien Bodies by
Lawrence Miles.


==========
Next Week:  'Just Another Multi-Writer Cascade That 
              Will Probably Never Have an Ending'  PART NINE!!!!!!
==========

Arthur "Same Classic Channel.  But Same Time?  Probably not." Spitzer