LNH20: LNH20 Comics Presents Special #4 [2/2]

[Jeanne Morningstar]

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[JAZZY TRANSITION STING!]

Behold: the former headquarters of Defunct Comics Comics! Located on a 
prime piece of urban real estate but long abandoned after it was cursed 
by an angry British wizard they had ripped off! This room holds giant 
prop statues of the heroes they published (cheap ripoffs of Lass Lady, 
Doc Nostalgia and Golden Age Very-Disturbed-Scary-Creature Man, but they 
got away with it because they were the first comic book company who 
could afford lawyers) and their famous paraphernalia. Here stands a 
slim, lithe man in a dark blue domino mask and question-mark-patterned 
suit: the Fact-memorizing Fiend, the Trivial Pursuer!

"Cackle, cackle, cackle!" he cackled, brandishing his knife at the woman 
he had tied up before him. "That Angst-Ridden Avenger will never reach 
you in time!"

The woman looked uneasily around her, in the dim shadows cast by the 
statue of the non-copyright-infringing flying rat hero. "All right... 
but... do you actually intend to kill me?"

"What?"

"I'm just bait in a trap, right? If you actually wanted to kill me, you 
would've done it. You just captured me to lure in him."

"...all right, yes."

"And I don't think you're really a serial killer."

"Look--I have to raise my villain cred, and serial killer villains are 
in right now. It's a cycle. In a few years time overelaborate death 
traps will be cool again but right now it's serial killers. Everyone is 
listening to these crime podcasts, right?"

"Not me, I'd rather listen to The Shrieking Shack," she said.

"Look, you have to understand, I..." The Trivial Pursuer's shoulders 
slumped. "I wanted to ask him out on a date. I mean, have you seen him? 
He's so unbelievably pretty. The pictures don't even begin to do him 
justice. Especially his ass." He sighed dreamily. "But I just can't ask 
him out like a normal person. He's an angst ridden vampire superhero! So 
I had to become a supervillain and start capturing people so he'd notice 
me!" He started sobbing.

"It's OK," said the woman. "So, let's make a deal. I'm a sex worker. 
Right now, I could be out making money but you got me tied up here. I'll 
go along with this whole roleplay scenario of yours if you pay me. I 
mean, normally it's me who's doing the tying up, but I can work with 
this. Just--give me the money, or I'll tell him."

"All right, all right, fine. I'll pay you when this whole scenario is 
over, I promise. I--oh no."

"Oh no what?"

"What if he doesn't get my clue?"

"He's a superhero, of course he will."

"But... what if it's too obscure? I had a trivia question about the 
Antichrist for which the answer is Ronald Reagan, and that was supposed 
to lead it here, but... what if he thinks it's the Ronald Reagan 
Memorial Bowling Alley? That's what a reasonable person would guess."

"But he's not a reasonable person, he's an angst ridden vampire superhero!"

"True. But--oh god, what if it was all for nothing?"

There was a flash of lightning. At the window stood a winged and very 
sparkly shadow.

"It's him! Yessss!" The Trivial Pursuer cackled and rubbed his hands 
together.

"My god," said the woman. "He *is* pretty."

Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man opened the window and stood outside. 
He strained with all his might but couldn't pass through the window sill.

"He's a vampire," whispered the tied-up woman. "You have to invite him."

"Oh, right..." said the Trivial Pursuer. "Ahem. Do come in, my 
blood-sucking friend. Now that you've found me," said the Trivial 
Pursuer, "I'll let you rescue this woman. Fair deal."

Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man stepped in and began to untie her. 
"Don't be afraid," he whispered sensually in her ear. (She had to fight 
hard to resist the urge to say "Sorry, neither.")

"I am no threat to you. I am a vegetarian vampire--I only drink the 
blood of animals. I do not drink human blood... anymore."

"Anymore... that's reassuring. Wait, animal blood? Isn't that kind of 
the opposite of a vegetarian?"

"It--it doesn't matter. You are one of the innocent. He is one of the 
guilty--"

"Innocent, eh? You don't know me." The woman winked. A nervous smile 
crossed Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man's face.

And just then, the Trivial Pursuer pressed a button on a control device 
that he had all this time and you didn't see it, and the statue of the 
non-copyright-infringing flying rat hero began to move!


"My god! The fiend! He's rigged the statues!" said 
Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man.

The statue of the non-copyright-infringing flying rat hero threw a giant 
non-copyright-infringing flying rat boomerang at him. He only just 
dodged out of the way, only to be ensnared in the golden lasso of the 
non-copyright-infringing golden-lasso-wielding heroine!

"Hahahaha! Now I have you trapped!" said the Trivial Pursuer. "You will 
be mine forever!"

"NEVER!" said Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man, blushing. Through the 
sheer power of his Angst, he broke out of the ropes. He lunged for the 
Trivial Pursuer, but the net.villain was too quick. "Dear Diary," he 
said, "the supple body of my foe is far too lithe for me to get my hands 
on..."

"Who are you talking to?" said the still-partially-tied-up woman.

"I can't write in my journal right now so I'm--OOF!--narrating!" The 
Trivial Pursuer had landed a punch. Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man 
chased after the leaping foe. They landed on the keys of a giant prop 
typewriter which was a faithful replica of the giant prop typewriters 
which had appeared in many Defunct Comics Comics stories.

"This ridiculous plot device fills me with rage!" spat 
Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man, jumping around the keys. "Who would 
build such a thing in real life?"

"Well, the people who built it, obviously," said the Trivial Pursuer.

The Trivial Pursuer punched at him again, but the Angst-Ridden Avenger 
entangled him in his Sparklerope! "You should have known, Trivial 
Pursuer. In the end, the quick brown fox always jumps over the lazy 
dog!" He pulled him in close.

But before he could do anything, there was an explosion of purple gas. 
Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man rubbed his eyes, and when he was 
finished, the Trivial Pursuer was gone.

"I knew it. As long as the corruption in the heart of this city lives, 
the evil that infests it can never be defeated..."

"Excuse me?" said the woman. "Maybe you could finish untying me first?"

"Oh, right," said Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man. He did so, and, 
taking her in his arms, carried her down to the street.

====

[JAZZY TRANSITION STING AGAIN!]

Back in the Angstcave, Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man stepped out of 
the Sparklemobile. Kid Revenant was waiting for him.

"How did the stakeout go?" asked Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man.

"It was terrible! I didn't score a single strike! No supervillains, though."

"I see. So that means... I was right?"

"Yes... All right, fine, you were right."

"Ha!" said Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man. "I knew it! I was right! 
I was right! But... in the end it means nothing... for endless pain and 
suffering still grip the heart of this city... all right! Put down that 
chicken! I'm going to bed."

He slumped into his coffin and went to sleep.

====

[ANOTHER JAZZY TRANSITION STING! ARE YOU TIRED OF THESE? TOO BAD!]

The woman who Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man had narrowly rescued 
looked into the dark alley. "All right," she said, "where's my money?"

The Trivial Pursuer walked shamefacedly out of the alley and handed her 
a big stack of cash. "God," he said. "I blew it. Just when it seemed 
like we were going somewhere I had this... burst of anxiety and threw my 
smoke bomb! I'll never get another chance!"

"No, it's OK, I'm sure you'll fight him again."

"It doesn't matter. He'll never be able to look past that enormous cloud 
of angst he's always carrying around with him."

"Maybe. Y'know, I can see why you were so gaga over him. He really is 
pretty. Hmmm..."

"Hmm what?"

"Maybe I can help you."

"How?"

"Maybe I can become a supervillain. I've been thinking about a career 
change. Maybe I can be a master thief. We can work on 
Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man together! Hammer at him from both ends!"

"Oh, now that's an interesting mental image... Do you have a name?"

"Well, I was thinking maybe I could dress up like a cat..."

"No, I'm afraid there's probably too many cat themed characters in this 
universe already."

"Damn it. Well, I'll think of something..."

WILL THIS WOMAN I NEVER FIGURED OUT A NAME FOR FIND A DECENT 
SUPERVILLAIN IDENTITY?

WILL SHE AND THE TRIVIAL PURSUER SUCCESSFULLY GET 
SEXY-DISTURBED-SPARKLY-VAMPIRE-MAN TO ADMIT HIS FEELINGS?

WILL KID REVENANT GET SICK OF THE WHOLE THING AND GET A FAST FOOD JOB 
INSTEAD?

WILL I EVER GET AROUND TO ESTABLISHING IN STORY THAT THE SPIRIT OF THE 
GOLDEN AGE VERY DISTURBED SCARY CREATURE MAN LIVES INSIDE THE CLOAK HE 
PASSED ON TO HIS SUCCESSORS AND SUBCONSCIOUSLY GUIDED KID REVENANT TO SDSVM?

AND WHAT THE HELL IS EVEN GOING ON WITH THAT NEW ACTON LORD?

ALL THESE ANSWERS AND LESS MAY OR MAY NOT BE REVEALED SOMEDAY IN ANOTHER 
STORY...

SAME RACC TIME... SAME RACC CHANNEL!!!

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Author's Note:

"That's the funny thing... I made it up and it all came true 
anyway."--Alan Moore, From Hell

Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire-Man was a joke I made ten years ago, and 
now here we are, with honest to god Robert Pattinson Batman. So I wrote 
this story to commemorate the occasion. I laughed nonstop watching the 
trailer and reading the reviews, so thank you to Warner Brothers and DC 
for making a completely ridiculous piece of superhero media that I could 
make fun of.

As I wrote him back in the day, he was a parody of the Nolan Batman, but 
also had a lot in common with the very early Golden Age Batman in 
pre-Robin days; now he's an amalgamation of the Silver Age and RBattz 
versions I guess.

As for the new Acton Lord, her history will be revealed in full in The 
Last Days of Ultimate Mercenary, or if that doesn't pan out then 
definitely somewhere else down the line as she is one of my favorite 
characters I haven't had a chance to write yet. All I will say for now 
is: her name is Sigrid Franklins.

Sexy-Disturbed-Sparkly-Vampire Man: Me, concept by Arthur Spitzer
Acton Lord VI: Me, concept by Dave Van Domelen
Everyone else is mine, and General Use except for Acton Lord VI who is 
Usable With Permission.


-- 
Jeanne "The Dark Space Princess Knight" Morningstar