LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #249: Integrity Quest Part Two
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jun 26 14:38:04 PDT 2022
30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.
Here's where you can find the whole Integrity Quest and well as
Amabel Holland's very nice Integrity Quest Companion, which is
well worth a read:
https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Crossovers/
We have the some more Integrity Quest parts.
First off, Stephane Andre Savoie brings Kid Anarky into the
quest! Can Lost Cause Boy trust this agent of K.Awss?! And
are Grant Morrison Doom Patrol issues as dangerous as John
Byrne Fantastic Fours?!
And next, we have Hubert Bartels introducing his sexy cat girl
character, Panta, into the storyline! Will she ever be able to make
into the Big Comic Companies -- and perhaps get her own (TM) -- or
is this going to be another 'Comics will break your heart especially
if you're covered in fur' type thingees?!
And lastly, Doug P. Wojtowicz returns! Can Lost Cause Boy save Kid
Anarky from those Doom Patrol issues while making a problematic
Jim Lee/X-men/Breast Cancer joke?! And will we finally learn the
identity of of the villain who's captured the Writer-With-Integrity
and does he moonlight on the side as a Marvel Editor-in-Chief?!!
Find some of that out in...
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|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
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|_| OF NET.HEROES
ADVENTURES #249
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Integrity Quest Part Two
=====================
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From: 003695s at ace.acadiau.ca (STEPHANE ANDRE SAVOIE)
Subject: Anarky develops
Net.Patrol: Anarky Develops
It started as a line.
This line defied all description. Well, not totally. It was kind-
of a scribble, actually, not perfectly straight, but close enough. Its
simple existance was purely uncomprensible by everyone seeing it, if anyone
had seen it. It defied all explanation. OK, maybe not defied, but strongly
argued with it.
Anyway, soon, after the writer's idiotic babblings, this line grew,
becoming a stick figure, with details inexplicably appearing from nowhere,
giving it features. Soon, a somber figure was visible, but unmoving. This
figure had a costume, and one might have guessed he was a hero, or villain,
but he was strangely unimposing, and his costume was not like a second-
skin. If instead was loose, more or less, with a the trenchcoat, frozen in a
wind-blown position, a crudely drawn A in a circle prominent on a badge on
the lapel. The ghostly figure began to darken, as color after color graced
his appearance. Moments later, the figure was complete, and with a
resounding "BOOM" from the sky ... he dropped to the ground.
Swearing, the figure picked himself up. What in K.Awss had he gotten
himself into? Looking around, he could immediately notice a definite
strange quality to his surroundings. Everything looked... simpler. Could
it be? Did he actually make it? Had he trancended to a lower form of
reality? "But, I feel no different, he muttered to himself. I still...
wonder." Disheartened, he looked around, seeing a figure in front of some
kind of statue in the distance.
Approaching, a strong odor of plastic, paper and ink hit him.
"Oy. Sciuze-me, but, like, where are we?"
The figure, apparantly worshiping this rather plain looking
monument, looked up in suprise.
"Oh, sorry about that. I'm Lost-Cause Boy!!!" Instantly, the
figure was standing, striking a majestic pose.
"Good for you. I'm Kid Anarky. So, like I said, where are we?"
Surprised of this stranger's unimpressiveness (unimpression?),
Lost-Cause Boy's figure seemed to deflate.
"Oh. Well we're in the net."
"Hmmm. Hey, are those comics? Awsome! These should keep my
ming off any overly deep thoughts." Lightning-quick before Lost-Cause
Boy could react, Kid Anarky grabbed a handfull of
comics, in his attempt to return to a simpler life-style.
Unbeknownst top his, he had grabbed a stack of Morrison Doom
Patrols....
KID ANARKY
(any offense to Lost-Cause Lad/Boy is heartily apologized for)
P.S.: First attempt (as if you couldn't tell)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: hgb at catalina.edu (Hubert Bartels)
Subject: A waif at the LNH door
Net.Patrol: A waif at the LNH door
The Spandex-clad Heros flexing their muscles and bickering among
themselves at LNH.HQ stopped suddenly to stare at a figure sitting on the
gilded steps to the front door. She seemed to be sobbing.
She was a mutant, one of those crosses between big cats and humans
that appeared in DC and Marvel every hundred crossover specials; she looked
like a leopard poured in a woman's shape. Yellow-orange fur and black spots.
Her chest's coat shaded to white. A long tail lay curled around her. She
wiped her tear-streaked cat eyes with a hand tipped with sharp claws. Sharp
cat ears poked through a shock of blonde hair. Although white and orange
fur covered it, she still had a woman's face.
She was wearing a very tight body suit, a suit that outlined every
line of her very slender, very sexy body. Her feet were covered in calf
length soft leather boots.
Someone came outside and placed a hand on her shoulder. "What's the
problem?"
The leopard woman looked up at the bulging muscles and the broad
chest, then wiped her eyes again, and shook her head.
"I'm Panta," she sniffed. "That's without a (tm), you know. And I
want to be on a superhero team. A real superhero team with (tm)'s and
character merchandising and..." She burst into another crying jag. "And
trading cards," she wailed.
"There, there, there," the Legioner said. Curious, more of the
LNH team came outside, joined by several fanboys who immediately started
panting at the leopard girl's figure.
"So," the Legioner began. "Where do you come from? What can you
do?"
"Like almost all the mutants I know, I don't know. But I knew that
if I wanted to be someone, I'd have to hustle to survive. I started work
in one or two of those B&W's, you know, furry magazines. YARF!, 'Albedo',
and 'Fusion'." Panta shifted and spoke a little more strongly. "I had an
offer to work on 'Omaha, the Cat Dancer', but I wanted more. I'd heard that
DC was looking for a cat-girl for 'The New Titans', so I went over and
auditioned for the part."
"Wolfman, Grummet and Vey weren't looking for someone like me - so
I didn't get that job. They wanted a redhead. A redhead!" Panta snarls.
"Like that Pantha (tm). I tried to go back to B&W work, but in the meantime,
the market had collapsed. And those that were left resented my audition with
DC."
"So next, I heard that Liefield was holding a open casting call for
his new series, X-force. I dressed up and ran over to Marvel. That was
really wierd. Really wierd. All these big guys with tiny heads carrying
huge hunks of metal twisted to look like guns. Liefield never even called me
in. The job went to this girl with this really stupid hairdo. Feral(tm).
Now she's pulling in the merchandising dollars and I'm doing casting calls
for Japanese manga."
The Legioner studied her for a moment before asking. "So, what do
you do anyway?"
"First, the way I look, the fanboys love it when I'm on the cover.
I perch on tables and make catty remarks. And when it comes to fights, I
jump on someone and cut them up with my claws. I provide tension in any
superhero team because no one ever understands what I'm doing on the team
anyway. In team practice, I do more damage to the team than the villains."
Panta spoke quietly, her cat eyes fixed on the Legioner's face mask.
"I don't understand it." Panta stood up slowly and stretched,
showing the fanboy crowd every line in her sexy body, the shape of the
tight spandex across her firm breasts, the high cut of the bodysuit at her
thighs. "Why doesn't anyone want me?"
A single teardrop hung in each cat eye.
All the characters are (tm) by DC or Marvel or TSR or someone, except for
Panta, who'd like to have one. Someday...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: U16244 at uicvm.uic.edu
Subject: Re: Anarky develops
Net.Patrol: StorySearch
Lost-Cause Boy shuddered as the creature known as Kid Anarky suddenly was
caught in the throes of the Morrison Doom Patrols. He tried reaching out,
but as many times, his pleadings were all but ignored. At his last effort,
he attempted the one line sure to bring anyone back to cogniscence.
"For Uncanny X-Men 300, the team suddenly is split asunder by the awesome
power of breast cancer. Yes, every single X-female has to have a double
mastectomy, the price paid awfully for ignoring their buge swelling bossoms
as nothing other than Jim Lee's breast obsession. Shattered, without a reason
to assemble as X-Men anymore, the female contingent takes off to battle
sexist artists everywhere as the
X-Tits."
Anarky shook his head, tossing down the Morrison Doom Patrols, looking up
shakily at Lost-Cause Boy. "My thanks. Your brilliant sense of humor
saved me from losing myself in those books."
"Yes. For though you are Anarky incarnate, those who take the works of
Grant Morrison too seriously, especially in Doom Patrol, succumb to the
disease of Sandmanitis. Unfortunately, I have been unable to save many of
the readers of Sandman, as you can tell by the huge listing of Sandman posts
over on rac.m. As always, whenever you read a comic, no matter how serious,
tongue must be firmly installed in cheek."
Anarky's head drooped, eyes misting over from the sheer boredom of LCB's
overly long speech. LCB quietly cursed himself for falling back on the
Claremont Captain Americas for the speech patterns at the time. He felt
glad for KA's sake that he hadn't picked up the speech patterns of Reed
Richards. LCB withdrew from his massive pack a picture of Psylocke when she
was a Purple haired Briton and it snapped Anarky back to the present, although
drooling.
"Well, so, what do we do with ourselves?" Anarky asked.
LCB shrugged. "I guess we just hang around waiting for a good plot to
come up. After all, there are only so many in-jokes that can be done without
a plot. Now, with a plot, in-jokes are eternal. Check a Peter David written
comic if you don't believe me."
The statue of Writer-with-Integrity moaned silently. "Check a Peter David comic
if you don't release me...."
"My god! A cryptic message!" Anarky shouted. "What can it mean?"
"Hmmm, well I don't know, but being an authority on comic plot coincidences,
I have a feeling that we were brought together for a reason, a reason that
has to do with the fate of Writer-With-Integrity. This will be our chance to
prove ourselves to the others of the Legion of Net Heroes. We must..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Anarky said. "Chill LCB, otherwise you're gonna put me
to sleep again."
"Sorry. But I have a feeling we're gonna need some help." LCB said.
At that point, LCB pulled out a bullhorn from nowhere (tm) and began announcing
through it.
"ATTENTION K-MART SHOP, er, uh, ATTENTION LEGION OF NET HEROES. ANY WRITER
HEROES WHO WISH TO ENGAGE IN THE SEARCH FOR WRITER-WITH-INTEGRITY REPORT TO
THE ANARKY DEVELOPS PLOT THREAD. Actually, I'd like to call in Panta (no tm),
and any other newbies to get this story really rolling."
* * * * *
Defacto rubbed his grimy hands together as he pranced through the entrails of
Thor and the Fantastic Four. Tied to the wall was Writer-With-Integrity, his
mouth stuffed full of shredded and wadded issues of the Death of Captain Marvel
as Star-writer wailed, bent over, huge rolls of money shoved into his butt.
"So, the Legion of Net Heroes rookies think that they can free the Writers
in my thrall? As the Marvellous Editor, I can smite them down with impunity.
Let them come. I'll show that integrity won't sell. Long live the
Legion of Fanboys!"
Lost Cause Boy was played by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Kid Anarky was played by Stephane Savoie.
Defacto was played by a Thanksgiving Ham. Copyright 1994, Hubert Bartels
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Next Week: Probably be on vacation. But two weeks from now more Integrity
Quest!!!!
==========
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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