LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #253: Integrity Quest Part Six
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Jul 31 14:06:10 PDT 2022
30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
Here's where you can find the whole Integrity Quest and well as
Amabel Holland's very nice Integrity Quest Companion, which is
well worth a read:
We have the some more Integrity Quest parts.
First off, Doug P. Wojtowicz returns -- It's Lost Cause Boy, Kid Anarky,
and Typo Lad VS -- PETER-OUT-SON -- And will you have to look at Amabel's
Integrity Quest Companion to figure out what obscure 90s DC editor that
And next, we have some more Hubert Bartels -- Is there a good shampoo
for getting Fanboy blood out -- and will Panta find the right one?! And
also just have to say that I really enjoy the scene with Comic Snob Boy --
Some great writing from Hubert there!
And lastly some more Hubert Bartels -- Panta has an unexpected visitor --
what scandalous scandals will arise from this meeting?!
Let's find out in...
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Integrity Quest Part Six
I N T E G R I T Y Q U E S T
Reprinting the Integrity Quest books from 1993
In which our heroes overcome their attackers in the
Legion of Net.Heroes HQ while outside, Panta falls
to the dread sickness - Wolverine's disease. Later
that night, Panta has a mysterious visitor.
From: U16244 at uicvm.uic.edu
Subject: Ancient enemies clash!!!! (Integrity Quest 7)
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 7: Ancient Enemies Clash!!!
As Kid Anarky and Lost Cause Boy were lead into the Legion HQ, LCB felt the
nape of his neck tingle, the comics in his pack rustling with hateful and
"What is all that about?" asked Graves.
"LCB! It's your Hawk & Doves! Liefeld must be close by," Anarky said, tensing
himself. He furiously typed at a mini-terminal he'd pulled out of his belt.
"C'mon, sonic powers. FTP for me. FTP!"
"No KA. It's not Liefeld. The mini-series isn't rustling. It's something
different. And look! They're joined by my Captain Atom run!" LCB said.
"Why would those two books react to one enemy?" Graves asked. He was
looking towards the alert but knew that his masters wouldn't enjoy having
their post-Kinda Big Darkness Saga shindig interrupted.
Suddenly, an entire wall was edited out of existence, Anarky shouting with joy
as his power FTP'd into his computer. "My sonic powers!"
"Tonic sours?" Typo Kid asked.
Kid Anarky's face suddenly drained of all blood as instead of surrounding
himself with a sonic forcefield, he was surrounded by a bubble of lemon-smellin
tonic. "Awww, damn. You had to go and call in Typo Kid, didn't you?"
"Thorrie buot zat," Typo Kid answered.
Graves started pulling his hair out as he saw the ancient enemy of the Legion,
someone who had gone to great lengths to attack the very legends of the LNH.
Not only that, but the cheeky bastard just took away his trophy chest for
the doily club when he edited out the wall.
"Peter-Out-Son!" Lost Cause Boy roared.
"Hi loser boy. I see you got some comics that are no longer valid," POS said,
smiling and editing Graves to become an aging, senile pawn of General Immortus.
Lost Cause Boy opened his comic pack and launched his angry comics in a swarm
"You actually think I'll be hurt by two series that I personally cancelled?"
Peter-Out-Son asked. He using his editing powers again, launching a wave of
plot-angst towards LCB.
LCB dropped to his knees, starting to wail. "No! The Integrity Quest can't
end only four point two issues and two crossovers in! Sales will be ruined!"
Kid Anarky splashed LCB across the face with his sour tonic. "Snap out of it
man, we're losing here!"
LCB winked. "That's what he thinks. But Lost Cause Boy is immune to outside
angst, for he anguishes over his lost comics. Now, while he is..."
"Right, gotcha. Typo! Say Sour Tonic!"
"Our Homic. Tower Comic. Tower Comic?"
Peter-Out-Son looked up at the huge, awesome pile of comics right where
Anarky deposited his sour tonic. His eyes buldged hugely. This was no
ordinary tower of comics. This was a massive tower of Japanese Manga.
A twelve issue subscription for an entire year to every manga in Japan. But
Typo Lad's powers were not stable, and neither exactly was the tower. It
started to teeter. Anarky smiled and poked the tower in Peter-Out-Son's
direction, and the crash of comics squished the evil editor from ERNIE like
"I wanted to take him out," LCB pouted. He leapt over the scattered pile of
manga and pulled Peter-Out-Son by his collar. "Now, unless you wish to join
Hawk and Dove, I suggest you tell us where Writer With Integrity is."
"You idiot. What does it matter? We've corrupted them in the mainstream.
Miller, Gaiman, Sim! Euryne has them poised to infect the rest of the
underground, at the beck and call of Lie.fink, at Imag(inationless)."
"What?" Anarky asked. "But how can that be? I thought Writer With Integrity
was one abstraction."
"Fool! He is a colony creature. And we managed to get the infection at
Marvelless and Darn Cheating Comics. But now we have to make sure the entire
net.comics.universe loses its imagination. You're too late! First Starlin,
now the Underground!" Peter-Out-Son cackled.
Anarky sneered. "Typo Lad, wouldn't you say he's coverred in manga?"
"Is suffered of mange," Typo Lad said, smirking.
Lost Cause Boy dropped the mange infected editor who began shrieking. He
immediately pulled out the Moore run of Swamp Thing and formed a pentagram
with them around the evil editor. "Graves! Graves!"
Graves lunged with his blade, but Typo lad saw him as a slave with cutlery.
"Slave with cutlery, Graves is Butlerly."
Graves looked at the knife in his hand and smiled. "Thank you Master Typo.
What shall I do with this... riffraff?"
"Here's the telephone number of Dick Giordano. Have him come over here and
grab this twit and take him back to DC. He'll make sure everything's alright.
I'll also post a message to rec.arts.carpentry to have them install a new
wall in this program," Lost Cause Boy said. "Nice work Anarky."
"Sure wish I had my powers back though," Anarky said.
TYpo Lad meant to say, "I'm sorry about the sonic powers..."
but what he actually said was "Scary out the cotton drawers."
Lost Cause Boy glanced at Anarky and suddenly, his underwear leapt from around
his pelvis across the room. Luckily, it was on the outside of his pants at thi
this point. Anarky smirked. "I like this power. Thanks Typo."
"Np oeivkwm," Typo said, not wishing to be coherent enough to do any more
Then the air was split by a blood curdling cry.
"I'M THE BEST AT WHAT I DO!"
The trio rushed out to meet their earstwhile ally.
What they saw was horrifying...
Lost Cause Boy was written by Douglas Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky was sitten by Stephane Savoie
Graves and Typo Lad were smitten by Scavenger
and Panta was missin' by Hubert Bartels.
From: hgb at catalina.edu (Hubert Bartels)
Subject: Integrity Quest: Panta: BLOODY SUNDAY
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 8: BLOODY SUNDAY
[In the last issue, Panta was seen about to undergo a session of 'Mutant
Appreciation' administered by a group of fun-loving hoods with baseball
bats and a hemp rope. Kid Anarky, Lost Cause Boy and the famous Typo Lad
had gone inside the Hall of Legion Heros. The opening scene is the hallway
just inside the LNH HQ. Our three heros have just run into the LNH's most
ancient enemy, Peter-Out-Son. A quick use of Kid Anarky's, Lost Cause
Boy's and Typo Lad's power defeated that most evil character... Then the
air was split by a blood curdling cry. The three turned to the doorway and...
(Action, with Panta wiping out the mob in a frenzy and Lost Cause Boy, Kid
Anarky and Cliche Dude decking her to bring her around.)
The three turned to the doorway and...
A long line of blood dripped down the outside of the door, pooling
at the doorsill. Fragments of skin, hair and bone littered the steps. The
setting sun cast a golden light on the two corpses lying across the base
of the steps. One was almost complete; the other lacked a lower torso. The
three heros stepped carefully down the stairs.
Now they could hear a repeated slapping or hacking noise; the noise
of a butcher's ax working on a side of beef. Kid Anarky raised his head to
She was sitting on top of a body, her hips straddling his stomach.
Her arm was raised in the air, her fingers slightly curled.
As the three watched, the arm swept down and across the body's face.
And again. And again.
They came closer. Panta was muttering something. Kid Anarky thought
she was slapping the body's face, but he approached, he could see that she
was cutting the body's face off with each swipe of her claws.
"Panta!" Lost Cause Boy shouted.
She stopped and looked up. "I..." She stood up. Her fur was covered
in blood, her bodysuit reduced to a few shreds of cloth across her breasts
and hips. "Am." She stepped away from the body; her blood soaked tail
quivered. "Panta! I am the best at what I do and what I do isn't pretty!"
She shouted the last few words. Then she took a flying leap at Lost Cause
Lost Cause Boy gestured. A rush of Suicide Squad issues jumped into
the air and cut her down. Screaming, she was buried under a stack of
"Panta!" Kid Anarky screamed. "Is she," turning to Lost Cause Boy,
"I had to do it, Kid." Lost Cause Boy stated. "But I only used odd
numbered issues, so she should only be stunned. Come help me pull her out.
Oh, and don't let Typo Lad help, OK."
Typo Lad let several issues of Suicide Squid, Sueing Sid Laud, and
Sue Sides' Quad drop to the ground. "Um, sorri, Lust Kause Boi..."
A few moments work cleared the stacks of comics from Panta's body.
She looked quite peaceful, except for her bloody mouth, gory claws and
bloodstained fur. Kid Anarky sighed. "What happened to her? She was alright
when we left her..."
"Wolverine's disease. A nasty case, a nasty disease." Lost Cause
Boy began. "It turns innocent comic book characters in raving loner psycho-
pathical killer-vigilantes. Today, I think we got her in time. But unless
you intervene early enough, the disease can never be cured again. Panta?"
He slapped her lightly on her cheeks. "Panta? Can you hear me?"
"Panta. You're going to be alright."
Panta's eyelashes fluttered. Then she slowly opened her green-yellow
cat eyes. "I'mm Panttaaa...." she moaned.
"Panta," Kid Anarky whispered. He was about to start crying.
"I'm the best..." she added.
"No. You're just Panta" Lost Cause Boy said firmly. "You don't need
to be the best. Just be Panta. Just be yourself..."
Panta's eyes closed again. She seemed to have fallen asleep. Lost
Cause Boy picked her up by her shoulders and handed her to Typo Lad. "Take her
inside and put her in the guest room. She needs a good night sleep."
"Kan i klean hur Up?" asked Typo Lad.
Lost Cause Boy was staring at the battlefield. He waved a hand at
Typo Lad. "Sure, whatever you think needs be done." A gesture and all the
out of print comics, including copies of Suicide Squid and Sueing Sid Laud,
returned to his satchel.
Typo Lad adjusted Panta's weight on his shoulder and disappeared
inside. Lost Cause Boy suddenly spun around and yelled at Kid Anarky. "Hey,
follow Typo Lad and make sure he behaves himself."
Kid Anarky ran across the tattered remains of a mob and disappeared
inside the LNH HQ.
"And sent Captain Cleanup out here again. There's more work for him,"
Lost Cause Boy shouted after him.
Lost Cause Boy's eye was caught by a small piece of paper clutched
in the corpse's fingers. He reached down and prying the fingers apart, pulled
it out. It was too dark now to read it; he slipped it into his comic stachel.
Something was bothering him. It seemed that they had stood here before. Panta
wasn't knocked out, but they had been joined by Cliche Dude. He shook his
head. Surely, someone couldn't be screwing with the continuity, could they?
Who would have that much power? A chill ran down Lost Cause Boy's back. That
would be bad indeed.
Overhead, the clouds gathered. From the distance, thunder sounded.
It was going to be a dark and stormy night...
On the third floor, facing the street, there was a clubroom for the
members of the LNH. Here, LNH heros could relax in deep leather chairs while
reading newspapers and comics, drinking brandy and other strong drinks to the
soft sounds of a string quartet. A quite civilized place, it was one of the
favorite haunts of Comic-Snob-Boy. He turned away from the bay window and
gestured for another snifter of cognac.
"Yes, another victim of poor comic nourishment. This is what you
get when you only see cheap faddish mainstream comics," he began. "The
only cure is a heavy dosage of quality, well-written comics." He pointed
his empty cognac glass at the books beside his wingchair. "Cerebus, for
example. Sandman, or Miracleman. Bean World." He sighed heavily and waited
while Graves refilled his glass. "Poor girl. Friends don't let friends
Outside, the rain washed away the blood...
[Is someone messing up continuity for our heros? If so, what really happened?
Is Panta going to be alright? Are Typo Lad and Kid Anarky going to shower
with Panta now... Stay tuned as the violence and action pick up in the
next issue of Integrity Quest!]
Comic-Snob-Boy(tm) Maurice Beyke. And Apologies, if the character isn't right.
Typo Lad (tm) SCAVENGER
Lost Cause Boy (tm) Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie
Panta (cold-cocked) Hubert Bartels.
From: hgb at catalina.edu (Hubert Bartels)
Subject: Integrity Quest: Panta's Visitor
NET.PATROL: Integrity Quest - part 9: PANTA'S VISITOR
[In the last issue, Panta disgraced herself by totally destroying a mob
in the bloodiest fashion our writers could come up with. Lost Cause Boy,
Kid Anarky and Typo Lad arrived just in time to save Panta from slipping
into the clutches of Wolverine's disease, a sickness that turns people
into killer-vigilantes who talk to themselves in voiceovers. It is now
nighttime and the weather is so bad that only the truly crazy are skulking
around rooftops, wrapping themselves in capes and cackling. ]
Scene: A luxurious room on the top floor of the LNH HQ. Kid Anarky is taking
a hot shower while a maid finishes turning down his bed. She leaves after
placing two mints on the crisp white pillow.
Scene: Another luxurious room down the hall. Lost Cause Boy is studying the
slip of paper he pulled out of the hands of one of Panta's victims. The paper
is bloody and wrinkled. He tosses it on the Louis XIVth desk and decides to
sleep. The sound of the rain barely makes it past the richly brocaded curtains.
Scene: In the basement, behind a steel door, now lettered 'Mutant Guest
Quarters', next to the LNH HQ hot water heater, half of a wooden box holds
a mattress, a threadworn blanket and Panta. A castoff pair of jeans and an
old shirt from Organic Lass hangs from a cold water pipe. Panta sleeps quietly;
the room is much more luxurious than what she had been used to. Through a
tiny window, rain clouds and lightning flashes can be seen.
Panta rolled over. The hot water heater had sprung to life, waking her again.
She blinked and tried to remember. Memories ran through her head, unclear
and fuzzy. She remembered waking up as Typo Lad and Kid Anarky were placing
her in a shower inside the LNH HQ. They suddenly took off as Sing-A-Long
Lass showed up. The woman's singing finally even drove Panta to leave after
cleaning herself off.
A delegation of LNH Heros met her at the door of the women's bathroom and
took her to the new guest room. Self-Righteous Preacher handed her some old
clothes, telling her to behave herself and not pander to the lusts of those
she would lead astray. Panta, confused by the word 'pander', merely thanked
Something was in the room with her. Panta sat up, clutching the thin blanket
to her breasts. "Who's there?"
Something stirred in the darkest corner of the tiny room. Panta sensed rather
than saw the form growing in the darkness. She suddenly caught her breath.
Her furry hands pulled her blanket to her throat.
The form laughed. A cruel, heart-rending laugh, without pity, joy or cheer.
Then it spoke. "Panta, Panta. You did well today. Marvelous."
Panta started breathing again. "Who are you," she said weakly.
"I am the dread editor, Defacto!" the form said grandly. "No one marks my
coming, no one sees my leavings. I am here to talk to you, my little mutant."
He laughed again, a low threatening laugh.
"But...." Panta stuttered. Outside, lightning flashed. In the strobe of white,
Panta could see a tall handsome form, his face hidden in folds of cloth. Then
the room was black again. The thunder rolled on and on. "Why me?" She pulled
her legs underneath herself.
"I love mutants, you see," the form whispered confidently. He approached. "I
made so many of them. And none are as well suited to a task I need done as
you, my dear." He approached closer, so close that he stood at the foot of
the wooden box.
Panta stood up in her box. She still clutched the blanket in front of her;
her only piece of clothing. "No." she said softly. Lightning's white glare
again flashed through the room. The blanket did little to hide her slender
"Yes, my little kitty," he stated. "There is a plot brewing against the LNH.
I know all about it. Editors always do; that's why they are editors. You
may tell the others; they will not believe you, Cassandra."
Panta's ears twitched in confusion. Her cat eyes widened.
"I know about your companion's plans to free the world of my influence.
Pitiful fools, all of them. They have no chance, not even a smidgen of a
chance. Tell them. They will not believe you. But, come now. I have not
come here to warn of an oncoming disaster, but rather..." He reached out
and placed a warm firm hand on Panta's shoulder. Panta looked into the
darkness that was the form's face, but she could not make out any features.
"I came to recruit you. I can help you, you know."
Panta swallowed hard and tried to back away. The hand stiffened; Panta
found it impossible to move out from underneath. The blanket began to
slip from between her fingers.
"Now stop this foolishness." The dark voice chuckled. "You need merely
observe the survivors of the coming LNH debacle and tell me about them.
Who they are. And what plans, if any, they might conceive against me. I
would find out, eventually, but it so nice to be forewarned. Right?" The
hand shook her slowly. Panta grabbed at the blanket before it could fall
out of her hands.
"Yes, yes, yes." Panta gasped. Her body swayed back and forth in the hand's
The dark voice chuckled again. "Now don't go spoil the fun and tell the
others about this meeting. It wouldn't be a good idea." Then a flash of
white blinded her. Thunder roared through the room so loudly that Panta
clapped her hands to her ears. Tears filled her eyes. Unnoticed, the
blanket fell to the floor.
Seconds passed. Panta's eyes slowly regained their sight. The only sound
in the tiny room was the muttering of the water heater. She was the only
one in the room now.
Panta folded herself into her bed and pulled the blanket to her chin. It
took her a long time to return to sleep.
* * *
Morning. Panta had just finished tying the ends of the shirt underneath
her breasts; the shirt was too long and she was cooler this way. She had
had to shorten the jeans as well. Her furry calves stuck out of ragged
ends. Since her boots were gone, she had to go barefoot.
She pulled the door open and left, leaving the door swinging.
[ Panta a traitor? Defacto a devil? We will find out. But first, buy and
read the exciting crossover series "Sieze Dangerous", starring all the
LNH heros we could drag into the story. ]
Typo Lad (tm) SCAVENGER
Lost Cause Boy (tm) Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie Copyright, 1994, Hubert Bartels
Next Week: Time to take a break from the Integrity Quest and make way for some
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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