REPOST/ACRA/LNHY: Girls on Beach Blankets #4: 'A Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!'
Arthur Spitzer
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Tue Dec 20 14:29:20 PST 2022
Another X-mas Story Repost!
And here's a link to Ripping Off King Arthur webcomic adaptation of one of
these stories:
https://www.rippingoffkingarthur.com/ripping-off-king-arthur-143/
[Warning: Be sure to buy some James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix
and make a big batch before you read this issue. You won't be sorry!
(But you will be sorry if you don't drink a bunch before you read this!)]
Girls on Beach Blankets #4
'A Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!'
Where are we?
Ah, yes.
It is a beach. A beach with girls on it. Girls wearing bikinis. On
blankets. Yes, blankets.
Let's examine a couple of these girls closer, shall we?
The first girl is a red head in a green bikini. Her name is Cherry and
she goes to Harvard Law School where she's training to be a Supreme
Court Justice or a leader of a Sex Cult. Whichever pays more.
The girl next to her is a Latino in a green bikini by the name of Salsa.
Salsa is the leader of an all girl band and hopes to go to Alaska one
day so she can raise huskies.
There, we have gotten all of that back-story crap out of the way. Let
us now listen to these two bikini-clad friends talk to each other, shall
we? I think we shall.
Cherry sips her James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita and feels the ecstasy
that only one who sips a James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita can ever
truly feel. Then she places her margarita glass on the sand as the sun
beats away on her nearly naked body and looks at her friend Salsa.
"Salsa?" she says, "What do you think?"
"About what?" Salsa says as she slowly licks away at a candy cane in her
hand. And then Salsa thinks to herself what would it be like to dip
this candy cane into a glass of James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas?
And then to lick that James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita right off the
candy cane? What would that be like? What would it indeed. What would
it indeed.
"The Easter Bunny or Santa Claus. Who would be better in bed? Hmm?"
Cherry looks at her glass of James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita and
wonders if she should drink some more. Yes, I think she should. And
when she finishes it, she should buy some more.
"Hmm," Salsa says as she thinks about this question. A question that
our greatest philosophers through out the beginning of time have failed
to answer. And a question that may never be truly answered to mankind's
satisfaction. "I guess the Easter Bunny."
"Yeah, that's what I think too."
O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-<
Elsewhere...
In a small town, a group of teenage boys put a magic bikini on a female
snowman and she comes to life.
The female snowman goes to Hollywood and makes a bunch of 'Snowgirls
Gone Wild' dvds.
Eventually, the stress of the Holidays causes her to melt away. Melt
away forever.
Don't get stressed out by the Holidays.
Make some James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas.
Take the stress out of the Holidays.
James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix.
O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-<
Elsewhere...
A stingy curmudgeon gets a visit from three ghostly spirits the night
before Christmas. These spirits show the stingy curmudgeon the 'True
Meaning of Christmas'.
The next morning the stingy curmudgeon sells the 'True Meaning of
Christmas' on eBay and gets a trillion dollars for it.
The buyer of the 'True Meaning of Christmas' is in fact an alien warlord
by the name of Thongatron who rules a vast Space Empire populated by
robotic shapeshifters who can be both a swimwear for humans and robots.
These robots are the Bikinitrons and they shall come to our Universe
in 2009 and enslave us by using the 'True Meaning of Christmas' against us.
There is no hope.
We are doomed.
There is no hope.
So before the invasion hits your town be sure to stock up with James
Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix.
James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix.
They can take away your freedom. They can take away your dignity. They
can take away your family, friends, and pets. They can take away your
life. But they can't take away the memories.
The memories.
The memories of a good James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita.
O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-<
Salsa dips her candy cane into the James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita.
She drowns the cane in the James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita without
mercy. No mercy. And then she pulls it out and gazes at the glistening
juices of the James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita that drip down from the
candy cane. She looks at it with wonder. Should she lick it? Should
she? Yes. She can't resist! She must lick it! She must know what a
candy cane dipped in James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas tastes like.
And she must know -- now! She grabs the candy cane forcibly and
swallows the cane. Her tongue fondles every inch of the cane as it
tries to enslave every bit of nectar from the James Joyce Brand Eggnog
Margarita. Her body falls on her beach blanket even as her tongue still
tries to dominate the cane. Her body starts to shiver. Convulse. Her
toes spasm.
She is gone. Gone beyond this world. She has gone to a world that only
people who dip their candy canes into James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita
and lick them can every know about.
Where is she? She looks at this new world. There's snow. Snow
falling. Beautiful snow. And she sees a helicopter. Out of the
helicopter jumps a bikini-clad woman shooting at moose. Sarah Palin!
She must be in Alaska! Hi Sarah! And what's she doing? Why is she here?
Huskies!
She's raising Huskies!
She's raising Huskies!
Finally, her dream has come true!
Raising Huskies!
God!
Raising Huskies!
Yes!
Yes!!
And she's... she's...
She's in the Iditarod!
She's winning!
She's won!
She's on the cover of Wheaties!
She is the 'Breakfast of Champions'!!
Her eyes open again.
She's back in the Real World. The candy cane is on her chest. She
takes a deep breath.
"Where were you?" asks Cherry taking a sip from her James Joyce Brand
Eggnog Margarita.
"I was -- I was raising Huskies."
"Uhuh." Cherry flips through her 'Tanning Life' magazine.
Salsa looks at Cherry reading her 'Tanning Life' magazine and then looks
into the sky. A question comes to her mind. A question of questions.
"Cherry?"
"What?"
"Who would you do? Santa Clause. Or Jesus Christ?"
"Hmm. Are we talking Post-Crucified or Pre-Crucified Christ?"
O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-<
Up in Heaven...
A dog wearing a Santa hat, trenchcoat, tenor sax, gold necklace with
wings on his back looks down on the 'Girls on Beach Blankets #4: 'A
Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas!'' He
looks down at a beach where girls are on beach blankets -- and sighs a
weary sigh. A dog named Dr. Cool J Dog.
"Man, these X-mas specials were a lot more fun back when I was still
alive. Being dead sucks."
The also dead hero Rockpettingboy walks in with a glass of James Joyce
Brand Eggnog Margaritas in his hand. "Heaven's all out of James Joyce
Brand Eggnog Margaritas," he says as he drinks the last one.
O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-<
Elsewhere...
"Thank god you guys got here! He's in there!" The man pointed to his
house as he talked to the policeman. "He's tearing everything apart!
Everything! He's a monster!"
"Who? Who is tearing your house apart, sir?"
"Santa! It's Santa! Santa Clause! He's gone insane! He's destroying
everything! Everything!!"
"Wait. I think you better fill me in on some details. Why is Santa
Claus in your house?"
"Well, we were having this Christmas Party -- and well, I guess we
thought it might be funny to invite the real Santa Claus. For a laugh
mind you. We didn't really think he'd accept our invite. But he did."
"And then?"
"Well, we were partying and he showed up. We let him in. He seemed
like a nice guy. A jolly guy. It was all friendly at the start. And
then. And then it happened."
"What happened?"
"I asked him if he'd like something to drink. And he said sure. He
laughed and his belly shook like jelly. And he said, 'Do you have any
by chance James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas? I do love those.
They're yummy in the tummy!' And I said, 'Sorry, we don't have any.
How about some regular eggnog or some apple cider?'"
"And that's when something in Santa's facial expression changed.
Something snapped. The rosy red cheeks of happiness disappeared and
just the blood of rage remained. It was an absolute anger. An anger
only gods have. He looked at us with contempt and disgust. A look of
all consuming hatred. He looked at us like we were ants. Just ants.
Like we were nothing. He said, 'You don't have any James Joyce Brand
Eggnog Margaritas!? You *don't* have any James Joyce Brand Eggnog
Margaritas!!? Is that what you're telling me!? You're telling me that
I flew all the way from the Goddamn North Pole and *You* don't have any
Goddamn James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas!! Is that what you're
telling me?!! IS IT!!!!!!!!' And then he grabbed this champagne bottle
and just threw it at the wall. Glass flew all over the house. And then
he started cursing at us. Calling our mothers whores. He spat in the
bean dip. And then he walked over to this big oak table that my
great-grandfather had built by hand and he -- and he karate chopped it
with one hand. One hand! And he raised both of his hands in the air
and this unearthly howl raged from his mouth. It was the most horrible
sound I've ever heard. And his face. I could see it in his face. He
was going to make us pay. Pay for not having any James Joyce Brand
Eggnog Margaritas. He was going to make us all pay. And that's when he
started throwing furniture! He was a wild man throwing anything
everywhere! All of us started running out of the house to escape his
all consuming wrath."
The man fell to his knees. Tears started to stream from his eyes. "Oh
god. It was horrible. So horrible. And he's still in there. Still
throwing furniture."
"And then you called us?" said the policeman as he closed his notebook.
"Yes."
"And let me get this straight -- you threw a party, but you had no James
Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas at this party? Is that correct?"
"That's right."
"Okay, boys. Cuff him."
A couple of police officers proceeded to shackle the owner of the
house's hands. "What the -- Are you people crazy? I'm the victim!
Santa is destroying my house!"
"Maybe. But you were the one who decided to throw a party -- a
Christmas party -- without any James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas. Not
only is that a colossally bad idea, but it's against the law. The Law
of -- Holiday Fun!! No Christmas Party should ever not have James Joyce
Brand Eggnog Margaritas! It's Unamerican! So says -- THE PARTY
POLICE!" All the police officers snapped their fingers at that point
and made spinning movements. "Hope you like 'Lame Party Prison' because
that's where you're headed fella! You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right..."
"And folks," said another member of the Party Police towards the camera.
"Remember this Holiday season to always make sure that your Christmas,
Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice, Festivus, And whatever else you
people celebrate parties have James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas. Even
if you don't drink. And if you do drink make sure someone else is
driving. Because if you don't do these things -- well, you're going to
piss off Santa Claus. And you don't want to see Santa angry. No siree.
You wouldn't like him when he's angry."
A grand piano flew out of one of the house's windows.
"Damn it! It's Santa! He's coming out!" An officer shouted into his
police party radio. "We need more men! More Guns! More Helicopters!
More Sarah Palin! And a whole hell lot more James Joyce Brand Eggnog
Margaritas!!! Pronto!!" The policeman started shooting at Santa, but
Santa melted the bullets with his Santa vision.
Santa was not going to leave gently.
Not till he got his James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita.
O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-< O8-<
Well, that's it for this year's 'A Beach Blanket James Joyce Brand
Eggnog Margarita Mix Christmas'
But before we go -- let us pause and meditate about what the 'True
Meaning of the Holidays' is...
Let me quote the Gospel of James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix 12:25:
"And Jesus looked unto his disciples and said unto them, The True
Meaning of the Holidays is 'James Joyce Brand Eggnog Margaritas'!!!
Let's get our drink on!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!, and there was much rejoicing!"
That made sense in 21AD and it still makes sense.
Words to live by.
And Remember folks -- it's always the right season for 'James Joyce
Brand Eggnog Margarita Mix'!! whether it's James Joyce Brand Eggnog
Margarita Regular flavor, Nacho flavor, Flavor flavor, and Surprise Flavor!!
And for the youngsters be sure and try our, 'Kiddie James Joyce Brand
Eggnog Margarita Mix'!!
Arthur "Happy Holidays!" Spitzer
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