REPOST/LNH: Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch #2 out of 4: The Wonders of Cauliflower

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at
Wed Dec 7 16:51:27 PST 2022

This Holiday Special is brought to you by:

Candy Gun:  It's Real Candy and a Real Gun!  Have Fun eating it!  Or use 
it to kill your enemies!

Bag Full 'o Thought:  It's the thought, not the gift that counts!  And 
this bag has a whole lot of thought!


                              #2 (out of 4)

                       The Wonders of Cauliflower

There was a huge round of applause as MacLaghlin Man who was wearing a 
Santa Claus hat took the stage.  MacLaughlin Man just looked at the 
audience and smiled.  And then he pumped his fist in the air, which drew 
an even louder response.

"Damn.  What an audience!  I'm telling you people.  This is going to be 
a great show!  You won't believe the surprise guest I've got lined up. 
You might have read about his name in the paper.  But first -- Well it's 
the holiday season and you know people occasionally walk up to me in the 
street and ask me questions.  And one of those questions is, Why am I so 
darn harsh against the LNH?  And well folks, that's a fair question."

"Over the years I've called LNH'rs all sorts of things.  Psychopathic 
Serial Killers, Drugdealing Crack Whores, Wife Swapping Atheists, 
Cannibal Necrophiliacs, IRS Auditing Transvestites, and my own personal 
Favorite: Frenchloving Devil Worshippers.  And that might sound a bit 
harsh, but it's the truth.  And that's what the MacLaughlin Man Show is 
about.  The truth.  You won't get that liberal media bias here.  You'll 
just get the God fearing Apple Pie loving truth and nothing but the 
truth.  So help me God.  Amen."

"Another thing people off the street ask me is, Are the LNH'rs all bad? 
  And a few weeks ago I might have answered, Yep, rotten to the core 
every last single one of them.  But.  Recently, I met an LNH'r who made 
me change my mind.  This LNH'r is so good, pure, and innocent that I 
thought to myself, this guy couldn't possibly be an LNH'r.  He's just 
too damn good.  A good LNH'r?  That's an oxymoron isn't.  But this guy's 
the real deal.  A true American hero in a den of liars and thieves."

"I want you people to give a big hand to who might be the greatest 
living hero of today's generation!  I want you to give a big hand to the 
One.  The Only.  Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch!!!!!!"

The entire studio stood up and began clapping as loud as they possible 
could as a small black and white dog took the stage.  There were hoots, 
hollers, shrieks, and a few, "I want to have your baby, Cauliflower!  I 
want to have your baby!!"

"I'm glad you could make it, Cauliflower.  Well.  The first question I 
guess I'd like to ask is, What's it like being the only LNH'r with a 
conscience and a shred of decency?"

"Rrrufff!" barked Cauliflower.

"I'll bet it is," smirked MacLaughlin Man.

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"Oh, man what a night!" Frat Boy said as he sat at a table with 
Sarcastic Lad and Master Blaster in the LNH cafeteria.  "Damn.  That was 
some party."

Sarcastic Lad nodded.  "You should have been there, Rob.  It was 
something else.  All those celebrities.  Those chicks.  God, these 
chicks were some of the hottest I've ever seen.  And I'm not being 
sarcastic.  Man, Cauliflower the Christmas Miracle Pooch has become the 
King of the Net.ropolis Night Life.  It's amazing the connections that 
dog has.  And oh, you've got to hear this story about Ben Affleck.  Tell 
him Frats."

Frat Boy laughed.  "Oh yeah, man.  Ben Affleck was there.  And he really 
wanted to pet Cauliflower.  I mean he really wanted to pet Cauliflower. 
  He was really excited about it.  So Sarc pulls him aside and asks him 
if he's had his rabies shot.  And he's confused and says, I didn't know 
I needed a rabies shot.  And Sarc says, Sorry Mr. Affleck, but until you 
get your rabies shot we can't let you pet Cauliflower.  And so he says, 
Okay, I guess I'll go get a rabies shot then.  And so he goes.  And 
that's the last we ever see of him."

"Funny story," Master Blaster said with his face still buried in the 
Mid.Net Star paper.

"Well, don't go killing yourself with laughter, Rob," Sarcastic Lad said 
as he took a sip of coffee.  "Anyway, these chicks there -- were in 
Panta's class in terms of looks.  This one chick, she took me to this 
room and she must have had some kind of latent mutant tongue ability 
because the things she did with her tongue no human could possibly do. 
I swear -- she took me to heights of ecstasy I wasn't aware were possible."

"That's interesting," Master Blaster said with his face still buried in 
the Mid.Net Star paper.

"But enough about us.  So what exciting things did you do last night, 
Rob.  Come on.  Don't leave us in suspense."

"Oh, well I.. umm... mumblemumblemumblemumblemumbled."

"What was that?" Sarcastic Lad said holding his hand to his ear.  "I 
couldn't quite hear you."

"I *said* I spent the night at home with wReanna and we watched 
Desperate Chatroom Wives," Master Blaster said in a very irritated tone. 
  "Are you satisfied?"

"Whoahh!  And I thought we were living it up Frats!  But I guess Rob's 
still the Supreme Party Master around here!"

"Shut up!  Just shut up if you know what's good for you, Sarc,"  Master 
Blaster said as the poor paper in his hands was getting very, very crumpled.

Frat Boy remembered something.  "Hey, Teri Hatcher was there too. 
Whoahh.  Rob?  What did I say?  Rob?  Why are you sobbing?"

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"You're probably wondering why we've called you here, Cauliflower the 
Christmas Miracle Pooch," said a mysterious shadowy figure behind a desk 
in a poorly lit shabby looking room.

"We're from Democratic National Committee.  We've been studying you for 
a couple weeks now.  And we think you might be the dog we're looking 
for.  Why have we been watching you?  Well.  We want you to run for 
President.  Now of course there's the whole problem of dogs not being 
allowed to run for President, but we think we can convince the 
Republicans to change the rules if we go along with their changing the 
rules so Arnold Schwarzenegger can run."

"I won't sugar coat it.  We need someone that the people actually like. 
  And people like you, Cauliflower.  We need you.  We need you bad.  You 
don't have to give us an answer right away.  Just think about it.  Just 
think about it.  And think about this.  President Jebidecimal Luthor. 
That's a scary thought, isn't it?  Very scary."

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"Oh come on!  The 'Mr. Paprika, now that's a man's pop' has got to be 
the greatest LNH in-joke of all time!" Mainstream Man exclaimed.

"Maybe for the low brow masses, Mainstream Man," argued Adamant 
Authority-on-Everything, "But for the people who seek a richer more 
intellectual experience from their in-jokes I'd say, 'What would Gamer 
Boy think?' is the one to beat.  It's not only an in-joke; it's also a 
profound philosophical question.  Let's face it, Mainstream Man.  I'm 
right, and you're wrong."

"Hey," Mainstream Man said noticing that Cauliflower the Christmas 
Miracle Pooch had entered the room.  "Let's get Cauliflower's opinion. 
Hey, Cauliflower!  What is the best LNH in-joke of all time?"

Cauliflower thought about this for a bit and then finally barked an 
answer.  "Woof!  Woof!"

"Wow," Adamant Authority-on-Everything said in awe.  "That is a good 
point.  Why didn't I think of that?"

"Well," said Mainstream Man who was also stunned by the brilliance of 
Cauliflower's argument.  "I guess that settles once and for all what the 
greatest LNH in-joke of all time is."

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Later at The Echo Lad Memorial Memorial Children's Children's Hospital 
Hospital -

"Misty?  I've got some visitors for you."

A girl in a hospital bed woke up slightly.  Her eyes squinted towards 
the shining light of the door.  There was the nurse and some guy in a 
costume.  Some kind of superhero.

"Misty?  You feeling all right?"

Misty nodded weakly.  She didn't feel all right.  Not really.  But then 
she never felt right.  Not any more.

"This man over here is the LNH'r, The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life." 
Misty had never heard of him.  "And here.  Do you know who this is?"

Misty looked at the direction the nurse was pointing.  There was a dog 
on the floor.  A cute black and white dog wagging his tail.

"Cauliflower?  Is that -- Is that really him?  Is it?"

"Yes.  It's really him.  Are you feeling well enough to pet him?  Or 
should we try to come back some other time?"

"No!  Stay!  I'm feeling well -- I'm feeling really well!" Misty said in 
a panicked voice afraid that she might miss her one opportunity in life 
to pet Cauliflower.  "Please!  Can I pet him?  Please?"

"Okay, Misty.  You've convinced me," chuckled the nurse.  "Okay, 
Cauliflower.  She's all yours."

With that said, Cauliflower jumped right onto Misty's bed and bounced 
his way to her.  Misty grabbed Cauliflower and gave him the hug of his 
life.  In retaliation, Cauliflower licked Misty's face till she started 

"I think these two want to be alone," the nurse said winking to The 
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life as she escorted him to the hallway.

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"I really want to thank you for coming here.  That's the first time in a 
long time that I've seen Misty smile," the nurse said as she shut the 
door behind her.

"Well, we're glad we could make it.  To tell you the truth, this was 
more Cauliflower's idea than mine.  He was the one who saw her story in 
the paper.  I just kind of gave him a lift here."

"Well, whoever's idea it was, I just want you to know that it really 
means a lot to Misty.  Cauliflower is her favorite LNH'r.  And for her 
to get a chance to see him -- well, it means a lot."

"How bad is it?"

The smile dropped off the nurse's face.  "It's bad.  She's very ill.  I 
wish I could say something positive, but -- everyday she slowly gets 
worse.  We're hoping she can make it to Christmas, but even that -- that 
might be too much to ask for.  There's always hope though.  Not much of 
it.  But there's always hope."

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life gave a slight nod to that.  Then there 
was a brief moment of silence as the two of them stood in the hallway. 
Neither one able to think of anything to say.

Finally the nurse broke it.  "So what's Cauliflower's story?  Where's he 
from?  I've read a number of things about him, but it's always very 
sketchy when it comes to details about his past?"

"No one really knows.  He just kind of appeared in the LNHQ one day. 
Cauliflower is very secretive about his past.  I've tried asking him 
about it, and he always changes the subject.  I guess it doesn't really 
matter.  What matters is what he's doing now."

"I guess you're right.  How about those stories in the Tabloids?  How 
many of those are true?"

"What?  The stories about him being addicted to heroin and cocaine?  No, 
those aren't true. Cauliflower tends to stick to the soft drugs like pot 
and LSD."  The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life gave a wry grin.

The nurse laughed.  "And his 15 minute marriage to Brittany Spears?  True?"

"Unfortunately true.  But you have to excuse Cauliflower on this one. 
He was coked out of his mind at the time."

The nurse gave The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life a slap on the arm as she 
laughed again.  "You're horrible.  Just horrible.  I don't know what I'm 
going to do with you.  Sigh.  Horrible.  I swear."  Eventually the 
nurse's laughter died down, and she just stared at the door to Misty 
Summer's room.

"Life can be so incredibly unfair.  You just wonder why.  Why is it?" 
she said as she placed a hand on the door.   "Children shouldn't have to 
die.  They just shouldn't."

The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life nodded solemnly as he looked at the door 

"You know it's weird," the nurse continued, "For some reason I have 
these strange cravings for eggnog.  Isn't that weird?"

"Don't worry.  They'll pass."

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The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life pushed a grocery cart filled to the brim 
with eggnog.  "Are you sure this is enough?  Do you think one hundred 
cartons of eggnog will tide you over, Cauliflower?  Maybe we should buy 
some more?  What do you think?"

Cauliflower who was by The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life's side barked a, 
'No, that's probably enough,' obviously missing the sarcasm in The 
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life's voice.

As they got the shopping cart closer to the checkout, they spotted a 
familiar face.

"Hey!  Cauliflower!  It's me!" said the man with the familiar face. 
"Ben Affleck!  Don't you remember me?  I was at that party.  Remember? 
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I did get that rabies shot.  So 
I'm safe.  I'm perfectly safe."

Cauliflower gave a confused look to The Incredible-Man-With-No-Life who 
just shrugged his arms.

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"Why do those camera people always mess up my hair," pouted Susie 
Sorority as a group of LNH'rs watched TV.

"Umm, Susie," Frat Boy tried pointing out, "I believe it's the Gigantic 
Cyborg Beaver that's shaking you to death -- that's the thing 
responsible for messing up your hair."

"Whatever!" Susie said rolling her eyes.  "Do you think the people 
watching the news even realize how much trouble I go to in making my 
hair look beautiful!  You think with the state of our technology they 
could at least airbrush it to make it look decent!  But no!  They just 
want to humiliate my hair every time they show it!  But my hair has 
feelings too!"

"Uhhuh.  Right, Susie," Frat Boy said as he tuned her voice out of his 
head.  "Hey, they're doing a story about that sick girl who Cauliflower 
visited last week!  Turn up the volume!"

Late Nite Lad grabbed the remote and cranked it up a few notches.  "Wow! 
  Is what they're saying true?"

"Looks like it.  God!  This is amazing!  Completely cured!  Hey, 
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life!  You've got to come and listen to this! 
That girl Cauliflower visited -- Completely cured!"

"You're kidding!" the Incredible-Man-With-No-Life said as he walked into 
the TV room.

"That dog, he's like Jesus Christ or something!  Say, where is he?"

"Oh, he was pretty tired," Incredible-Man-With-No-Life said as sat down 
in a chair to watch the rest of the news story.  "He's been sleeping all 

"Must have done quite a bit of partying last night," smirked Frat Boy.

"Yeah, too much partying.  Too much partying."  The 
Incredible-Man-With-No-Life smiled.

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NEXT TIME:  Is Cauliflower really tired, or is this just part of his 
plot to destroy the LNH?

Last issue I forgot to mention that
Cliche Dude is Jef Kolodziej's character


The Incredible Man-With-No-Life is Enrique Conty's

Adamant Authority-on-Everything and MacLaughlin Man are wReam's

Master Blaster is Robert Ramirez and Martin Phipps's

Late-Night Lad is Bill Moakler's

Mainstream Man is Mark A Nicol's

Susie Sorority is Jeff McCoskey's

Frat Boy is uplink's

Sarcastic Lad is The Saint's

Arthur "Hates Eggnog" Spitzer

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