LNH: Another LNH Title? Really? #14: This Date, This Disaster!

[Jeanne Morningstar]

Another LNH Title? Really? #14:
"THIS DATE, THIS DISASTER!"
by Jeanne Morningstar

====

SHORTLY AFTER THE SABERTOOTH PLAGUE IS CURED IN NET.ROPOLIS, WHICH IS, 
UH, I'M GOING TO ASK DREW IN CHAT, GIVE ME A SEC... LATE MAY, 2020:

Catalyst Lass had a lot of things on her mind: preparing for the war 
against the Crossover Queen, tracking the activities of the new Doctor 
Killfile or the Brotherhood's new leader, seeking out new LNHers who'd 
been activated by the Catalyzation Wave. But there was one thing that 
was making her more anxious than anything else:

"I'm going on a date!"

Hell Catalyst, her "sister," looked at her from over her phone screen 
where she was playing to win the anime girl version of Boy Lad in some 
gacha game.

"I know! Isn't it great?" She clapped her hands together.

"It is, yeah..."

"And?"

"I'll be blunt, Hell Catalyst, I'm scared. I haven't been on an actual 
*date* in ages. Not since the days I was kind of going out with Particle 
Man, uh... I *really* don't want to think about how many years ago that 
was."

"But you've been out with Tara lots, right? This is just like that."

"But it was never a *date*, HC. This is a date. It's different now..."

"Is it? Okay, what about the time you and Tara were independently going 
undercover in the HexFire club and you were evil lesbianing at her?" 
[Beige Countdown #4-2??? Maybe??? Who knows--ed.]

"I just did that so I could fake being under Mr. Tiddles's control, OK."

"*Sure* you did. Look, I was there--"

"All right, fine. I've never been on a date with her where I wasn't 
pretending to be evil to trick a mind controlling cat. The thing is..."

"Yeah?"

"Back when I was dating Particle Man... There were a lot of reasons we 
kind of drifted apart, but the main reason was... Our dates kept getting 
interrupted by net.hero business. Murder clones or whatever. What if 
that happens here? What if she doesn't enjoy it? She'll--"

"She'll what? Do you think she'd stop wanting to have anything to do 
with you after everything you've been through?"

"Well... My head says no, but my anxiety says yes. The main thing is, 
I... I don't want her to feel bad."

"She'll enjoy it, whatever happens. Trust me." Hell Catalyst patted her 
on the shoulder.

"All right, all right..." She relaxed her shoulders a little. "So, what 
kind of dress should I wear? I was thinking--"

"I thought you were going to a karaoke place," said Hell Catalyst.

"Well... Yeah. But--"

"You don't need to dress up, OK? Tara's not really a fancy dress kind of 
girl."

"Yeah, I guess... I just... I want it to be special."

"It will be. No matter what."

"Yeah. yeah, OK. I knew that, but..."

"That's why you need me around sis. To tell you the things you already 
know."

Token Girl was waiting outside on the LNHQ parking lot, astride her 
motorcycle. "Oooh, nice," said Catalyst Lass. "But uh, I though the 
Sing-Along Cafe was in walking distance..."

"Yeah, but walking isn't *cool,*" said Tara. "Nothing but the best for 
*my* girlfriend."

"Eeeee," said Catalyst Lass. Whenever she heard Tara use that word about 
her, she felt like melting into a warm puddle. She put her arms around 
her and got behind her on the motorbike. This is the life, she thought. 
She didn't even need the rest of the date, this was too perfect... 
Although probably she needed to eat.

They drove up to the Sing-Along Cafe, the place where everyone knows 
your name, whether or not they've seen you before. (A metaphysical 
aftereffect of when Net.Gods had performed there.)

They ordered their dinner, talked about everything and nothing, and then 
it was time to sing. Tara stepped up to the stage. Cat looked up at her 
girlfriend with adoration in her eyes.

And then a man walked into the Sing-Along Cafe. A very muscular, very 
familiar man. Cat's heart sank and she recognized the Chuggernaut.

"Token Girl!" shouted the Chuggernaut. His voice made the walls of the 
Cafe shake. "I'm here for a rematch! I'll bet you think you're so great 
after you beat DeltaKiwi Meganthereon in that drinking contest [HHS 
#49--Footnote Girl], but I'm better! I've been training for years and 
years to take you on after you beat me [Retcon Hour], and this time I'll--"

"Sorry," said Token Girl, "hate to break it to you but... I don't drink 
anymore."

"You don't... what?"

"Yeah, the last time I did a drinking contest, I kind of.... died. And 
I'd rather not go through that again. So I'm going sober, at least for a 
while."

"You're going... sober?" Chuggernaut said that word like it was the most 
disgusting, horrifying thing in the world. "Then... I trained myself in 
the Beer Hall of the Mountain King... I came here... for nothing?" His 
body shook and his muscles bulged. He looked like he was just about 
ready to tear the whole place down.

But Catalyst Lass was in her element. "OK," she said, getting up out of 
the seat, "but you could still do karaoke, right? Nothing goes together 
like being drunk and terrible singing."

The Motivational Maiden blinked her eyelashes and exerted the utmost of 
her persuasive power on the Chuggernaut... and it worked. "OK, said the 
Chuggernaut. "Gimme a sec."

He stood up on on the stage and grabbed the microphone as a new song 
came on: "Turn around, every now and then I get a little bit lonely..." 
His singing was a lot better than Cat had expected.

But then, a cold metallic voice spoke: "HALT. DO NOT MOVE. YOUR USE OF 
SONG LYRICS IS INFRINGING OF COPYRIGHT. YOU WILL BE DEMONETIZED."

Three huge silver robots clanked into the cafe, bristling with weaponry. 
Some patrons rushed out, some took out their phones and snapped 
pictures. "God damn it," said Token Girl. "Takedown Bots!"

"No way in hell you're demonizing me! This is a parody universe so we 
can quote all the damn song lyrics we want!" slurred the Chuggernaut. 
"Rrrarrrrgh!" Exerting all his beer-commercial power, the Chuggernaut 
summoned a group of scantily-clad beer commercial babes, wielding huge 
broadswords like some 80s sword and sorcery flick. They hacked away at 
the Takedown Bots, but to no avail. Catalyst Lass rolled her eyes at the 
blatant pandering to the male gaze, then noticed her girlfriend was 
ogling their butts.

"All right," said Chuggernaut. "I'm going into super mode!" A halo of 
energy began to corusctate around him. "BUD... WEIS... ER!" His flesh 
began to melt and bubble. He was turning into a giant Budweiser 
Frog-man! [Does anyone even remember the Budweiser Frogs anymore? I 
remember when my high school science teacher had a Budweiser Frogs 
screen saver--oh right, the story--ed.]

The Chuggernaut spat out balls of flame at the Takedown Bots, which shot 
laser blasts back at him. He pummeled them with his mighty frog-fists 
and was pummeled in turn. "You know," said Token Girl, "I should 
probably do something about this. Gimme a sec." She took out her 
slingshot and started shooting exploding bus tokens at the Takedown Bots.

"Ahaha," said Catalyst Lass, handing more money to the waitress. "Sorry 
about that."

"It's ok," said the waitress flatly. "This kind of thing happens all the 
time."

But after many blows and explosions were exchanged, the Takedown Bots 
retreated, zwooshing off into the air. "Yessss!" said Token Girl, 
high-fiving the Chuggernaut.

"Ha! I knew I was awesome," he said. He went back to singing a 
surprisingly emotional rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Now was the time for Tara to sing. She got up into the stage, spotlight 
shining on her. "You can do it," mouthed Cat. The song was Moonlight 
Densetsu. She sang it without missing a beat. The entire room cheered, 
even the Chuggernaut.

Cat and Tara, exhausted left the Chuggernaut and the Cafe behind. She 
was enraptured seeing her girlfriend grinning and covered in sweat like, 
but then remembered her worst anxiety had come true and her heart broke. 
"Look..." she said. "I'm... sorry about how that went. That kind of 
thing tends to happen when I go on dates. I hope you--"

"Are you kidding?" Token Girl laughed. "That was great It's been way too 
long since I had a real knock-down drag-out fight like that. I feel a 
lot better. And now that I'm feeling energized, well... *wink*." Yes, 
she'd actually said "wink." It was wonderful.

====

Catalyst Lass: Elisabeth Riba, Free For Use
Token Girl: Tara LJC O'Shea Not Reserved
Chuggernaut: Arthur Spitzer and Jeff McCoskey, Free for Use
Takedown Bots: Jeanne Morningstar, Free for Use
Sing-Along Cafe: Jameel Al Khafiz


-- 
Jeanne "Comrade Bruce Wayne: Gossip Girl" Morningstar
Chief Procrastinator, Commission of Ecumenical Translators

It is a foul bauble of man's vanity. Away with it!
--Count Dracula, throwing a mirror out a window, _Dracula_ by Bram Stoker