LNH: Hungry, Hungry Sabertooths! #50.1: "The Sapphicutioner's Song"

[Drew Nilium]

  Well, I told you about the world (its address)
  I wonder when they're gonna clean up the mess
  You know the rabid child is still tuning in
  Chess piece face's patience must be wearing thin
  Because they haven't played this song on the air
  Not that anyone but me even cared
   --They Might Be Giants, "Hey, Mr. DJ, I Thought You Said We Had a Deal"

Thirty years ago, on on the now-defunct newsgroup called rec.arts.comics, a
bunch of people started making up goofy superhero names for themselves. A lot
of them left before it mutated into a shared universe that is somehow, against
the odds, still going, but they left behind names and concepts that dozens of
people helped shape into characters that are still written about and loved.

Now, an era of the Legion of Net.Heroes ends with:

HUNGRY, HUNGRY SABERTOOTHS! #50
"The Sapphicutioner's Song"
or, "The Beast That Shouted 'Sabertooth!' at the Heart of the Net"
A tale of endings and beginnings by Drew Nilium and Jeanne Morningstar
With special thanks to Arthur Spitzer and Scott Eiler, and all those who came
   before

[The cover is based on LSH v3 #50: Catalyst Lass, Merissa, WikiBoy, Black Halo
and Occultism Kid are clinging to an asteroid in space, with the figure of
Ending looming in front of them, holding up a sphere holding Token Girl which
Cat reaches out towards--a hologram, in the tradition of Marvel's 30th
anniversary issues which were coming out when the LNH began. Yes, it's now been
as long since the LNH started as it is between then and the Silver Age. Time,
huh.]

==-=-==

Bacchus sits down at the bar and pours himself another glass. If you saw him
there, you'd see the dead-faced ruin of a man that Eddie Campbell drew, but if
the light was a little different you might see something glorious and uncannily
beautiful, like the version from a certain video game everyone was obsessed
with this time last year. Or maybe it's just a trick of the light.

"Endings," he says to his interlocutor, "usually come after beginnings. Or
that's what Hideaki Anno says, anyway. With superhero stories, you never can
tell. How do you end a story like this one? Well, it goes a bit like this..."

#50.1

And Catalyst Lass fell to her knees and screamed.

And a wave of helpless grief washed over the crowd, over the net.heroes, the
cosmic beings, the kiwis, regret, for dithering, for not acting sooner, for
wasting time that could never be gotten back, a cresting wave that brought the
wine-dark ocean over everyone's heads...

...and receded, as someone caught Cat, supported her, held her against a soft,
warm surface.

Cat opened her eyes and saw that the WikiBoy-mastodon had her in his trunk,
pressing her comfortingly against his thick coat. And she looked into his eyes,
and he seemed to be inviting her to bury her head in his fur, and let out her
weight of grief; so she did.

====

Somewhere underground...

Captain Continuity began to stir and groan as the light hit his eyes, stinging
them with pain. He felt absolutely awful, like he had the worst hangover of his
life. Like he'd been dead.

Then he remembered that he had, in fact, died.

On his right hand was the Ring of Continuity, the same Ring that his mentor, or
a version of him, had wielded. [see Retcon Midnight and Tales of Continuity -
Footnote Girl] On his left was the Ring of Retconn, which embodied everything
he opposed.

He thought of everything he knew about the Rings, most of which came from vague
secondhand knowledge of the Prophecy of Antioch, a story told by servants of
Continuity. Were there supposed to be Nine Rings of Retcon, or one? He saw the
truth: the Ring of Retcon was always revising itself, so it was many rings that
existed in many times and places. The Ring of Continuity had one history, but
it wove throughout time and space in strange loops; sometimes it existed in two
places at once.

He saw that the Ring of Retcon that the Legion had last known had been drained
by Occultism Kid in creating what became the Deep Omnilooniverse [Beige
Midnight #10 - FG], but the Ring had regenerated itself on returning to the
Hypertextian Age--or perhaps a new Ring had been created, since by its very
nature the Ring of Retcon is always being destroyed and made anew.

The two rings were whispering to his soul, painting alluring pictures in his
mind. The Ring of Continuity showed him beautifully organized Handbook entries,
grids of continuity, while the Ring of Retconn showed him glorious Brave and
the Bold-ish impossible teamups.

The ring in his right hand held absolute purity of rage and destruction that
lay within his mentor, embodied by his alternate self that had once wielded
that Ring. A sense of complete certainty and purpose that he'd been lacking all
his life. But with that came a rigidity and cruelty he'd seen in so many others
who'd hurt him and those he cared about.

The ring in his left held held the burning desire for freedom, breaking all the
barriers that surrounded you and defining your own life. This was what he'd
longed for for a very long time. But it held its own kind of cruelty, the need
to lash out at anything in your way, to destroy everything in your path,
whether they were oppressors or people who were wounded just like he was. He
wondered if something like that had motivated Doctor Killfile to kill him.

Neither ring, on its own, was enough. Caught between the two, pulled in sharply
opposite directions, he found it hard to want anything.

The truth was he'd never really figured out what he'd wanted out of life. He'd
spent all his life following in the footsteps of his mentor, an influence he'd
now outgrown, doing what was expected of him as a hero. The question of who he
was outside of that had been nagging at him, stuck like a splinter in his
finger, ever since that day when he'd been stuck in the BENDIS, living the
other life that Arthur E.L. Presence had built for him. [Beige Countdown #10-9]

He was starting to feel more and more distant from himself now. His feelings
felt like they were happening somewhere else, to someone else. Since he
couldn't answer those questions, he hoped he'd fade away so he'd stop having to
ask himself.

Then he felt something else--a sharp weight of grief pressing down on him from
somewhere above. His emotions suddenly snapped back into focus. The sensations
of the rock that held in his body felt real again.

Who was he and what did he want? What would he be when this was done? He had no
idea. He only knew that he was really goddamn tired of being dead in a cave.

Steadily, he rose up. He let the two rings' energies pull at his body and soul,
struggling with each other, tearing him apart inside in hopes that when this
was all over he could make himself again as something better.

====

The echoes of the wave of grief, a grey wavefront of energy, bounced off the
deep blue light of the shield around Net.ropolis and slowly began to disperse.

After the wave passed. Chaos Theory looked up. God, that lady was powerful - or
maybe they were just laden down with a little too much already. Flaring their
fractals, they shook it off.

Marvel Zombie Girl was the first mortal to recover, flipping to her feet and
burning off the pain. "Damn, so what's next? Some other cosmic nonsense?"

"No, don't worry," said Chaos Theory. "Simplicity was beaten under the rules of
the contest he chose; as a Lawful cosmic being, he'll follow those rules and
admit defeat."

And indeed, the collapsed form of DeltaKiwi Megantereon began to shimmer,
dissolving into a rain of pink sparkles...

...and revealing a figure like a manga artist's first sketch, a tall, slender
form that looked like an anime bishonen exaggerated to the point of uncanniness,
and still with no face, looking towards them and taking a combative stance.

"...unless, of course, the power of the Determination Force compels him, as a
shonen antagonist, to unnecessarily extend the final battle with a multi-stage
boss form."

Simplicity laughed. "Now you fools must contend with... Reagent Omnicron!"

"Yu Kondo has a lot to answer for," muttered Small-Attention-Span-For-Nonsense
Lass.

Chaos Theory curled their fists, closing their eyes, their 6th-dimensional
manifolds tensing up, their 10th-dimensional arctangents inverting, a wave of
hyperfractal frustration venting thru Hypertext Time. Great. Just great. This
must be the stupidest battle they'd ever--

"Perhaps I can help?"

Chaos Theory looked up - and their cosmically gay heart sang in the key of the
spheres. Masterplan Lad was there, sitting in a wheelchair being wheeled down a
path by Net.Access, looking pale and tired but whole and lucid.

Chaos Theory bounded over to them and grabbed their hands. "I thought I wasn't
going to see you until this was all over!"

Masterplan Lad chuckled, looking up at their lack of a face. "I'm trying to
follow a more or less coherent continuity at this point - but there was no way
I was going to miss out on our big climax."

Chaos Theory let out a surprised laugh! "Oh my god, was that a *flirt*? You
really *are* getting cuter!"

Masterplan Lad blushed. "Yes, well..."

Reagent Omnicron sighed, crossing its arms and tapping its foot. Net.Access
giggled.

"Yes, right, the fighting," said Masterplan Lad. "I'm not exactly at full
strength right now, but I can cast buffs if you can tank."

"I'm heading back to LNHQ," said Net.Access. "Gotta tend to Manga Girl. You
guys have fun!" She hopped on a hoverboard and zipped off.

"Only a little bit more," said Masterplan Lad, "and it's done at last. I have
to say--after having my timeline split, nearly dying and fighting a battle in
hell, I'm a little exhausted."

"Understandable," said Chaos Theory. They patted Masterplan Lad on the head.

"Awww," said Merissa.

"Enough waiting!" Reagent Omicron opened an awful, shark-toothed mouth and
started ripping off bits of buildings, cars, and the sky itself and chomping
them down. As it ate, the lines of reality seemed to fade and lose definition,
transforming from detailed image to drawing to sketch.

"Hey!" said Chaos Theory, waving at Reagent Omicron with shifting tentacle-arms.
"Hey, over here! Chew on THIS!" They lashed out their tentacles at Reagent
Omicron... and started tickling it.

"Wh--huh?" said Reagent Omicron. Its body started rippling and it burst into
laughter. "You... how... dare... you?" A golden light flickered across its
body. The harder it was pushed, the stronger its determination grew. It opened
its mouth and spat out gouts of flame at Chaos Theory as it laughed.

Chaos Theory shifted into a weird, eldritch, constantly shifting form full of
different faces that was not unlike Chaos in the game Hades. (Masterplan Lad
had to admit he was intrigued.) But Simplicity's ring struck, transforming them
back to their previous form even as they kept mutating back.

Chaos Theory was holding their own, but everyone watching knew they were up
against a being on a wholly different level of power, even without the
Determination Force. Masterplan Lad shivered in his wheelchair, exerting his
utmost power to boost Chaos Theory.

"I'll show that cosmic so-and-so who's boss in this continuum!" said Merissa,
cocking her gun.

Cannon Fodder shook his head. "This isn't our fight. We jump in, Simplicity
will just snack on all of us like Unicron."

"No" said Merissa. "I'm tired of waiting for my fight! If I can't change
anything--if I can't save Tara... What am I even doing in this story?"

"Wait, stop!" said Masterplan Lad. "Can you feel it now? The true ending of
this story is about to begin."

====

And somewhere else, Tara opened her eyes.

Drew "friggin' finally!" Nilium