LNH: Easily-Discovered Man #59

[Drew Nilium]

On 8/7/22 11:03 AM, EDMLite wrote:
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>     Doused with microwave radiation, Theodore
>     Wong gained the ability to glow and be detected
>     at great distances by anyone with a Geiger counter.
>     Forced to retire, Wong has left former sidekick Lite
>     to continue his battle against the forces of corruption,
>     chaos and common sense, and to carry on the legacy of
>     the fabulous EASILY-DISCOVERED MAN.

WOOOOOOOOOOO :D :D :D

>       Before returning to our story, many of our readers have no doubt
> pondered the same question we oursleves have wondered about in these
> days of peak television: when will one of the many streaming services
> turn "The Adventures of Easily-Discovered Man" into a series, what
> might such a series look like, and how long would it take for the show
> to be canceled?

Oh boy. X3 <3 Perfect.

>       "We're just SO excited you were willing to take this meeting,"
> the young man in the Armani sunglasses said to me, his fingers knitted
> together as though he was about to show me where the church and the
> steeple were.

X3 X3 X3

> Isn't he just AMAZING?"
> 
>       The young woman nodded enthusiastically.  "And so lifelike, too."

X3 oh my god

> 	 "Think," the man said, excitement condensing on the rims of his
> sunglasses.  "It's the moment we first see the superhero appear in all
> of his -- or her, no disrespect to any of the heroines out there --
> glory.  The rest of the movie is almost a letdown after that."
> 
>       "But what if," the young woman said, "what if we were able to build on
> that sense of anticipation -- keep the tension alive in our audiences
> -- by having an entire series in which the super-hero NEVER appears?"

aggggggggh this is exactly what they think, yep x-x

> 
>       "It's the super-hero version of unresolved sexual tension!" the
> young man said, practically squirming with glee.  "_Smallville_ proved
> it could work by keeping audiences waiting -- for ten seasons! -- for
> Superman to show up in a show about Superman.

Aggggh. X3 Moving on!!

>       "Easily-Discovered Man and Easily-Discovered Man Lite,"
> Deathstocker said, his deep voice resonating through every corner of
> the room.

Oh shit Deathstocker. :o I still remember the big reveal about his fate after 
the Bad Forms arc.

>       "That's my Connie," Deathstocker said, ruffling the ringlets of the
> teenaged girl who sat between us.  "Ever since her mother -- God rest
> her soul! passed, she's taken on the cooking duties around the farm.
> I call her my little Waffle Princess."

D'awwwww. ^.^ Fascinating.

> Surely he -- I -- me? had to see the face of our most relentless
> enemy, the Waffle Queen, in the feral, determined smile, the icy green
> eyes, the long-shapely legs of the adolescent girl who sat beside us...
> 
>       Had I just said "long, shapely legs?"  Oh, God.  This was not
> going to end well.

oh noooooo X3

>       "I'm with you on the Bob Evans thing," the teenaged Queen said to
> me, her eyes immediately appraising, evaluating and dismissing me with
> the kind of ruthless disapproval only teenaged girls and Gordon Ramsay
> can muster.

X3 I love her. And oh yeah, this arc is about her death, isn't it

>       "I've known some pretty sophisticated lunchboxes,"
> sixteen-year-old me said, as current me groaned, rolled my non-existent
> eyes and performed the hands-free equivalent of a facepalm.

*cackles*

> "But you
> want your breakfast done right, you find yourself a Denny's, an
> International House of Pancakes, or even a Waffle Queen."
> 
>       "Waffle... Queen?" Connie asked.

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

>       "So you guys are from Net.ropolis?" Connie asked.  "That explains
> the weird... uh, accents."

I wonder what the accents sound like there. Exaggerated, probably. o3o

>       "And I should think Net.ropolis would be glad to have you back,"
> said Deathstocker (was he still going by Deathstocker?  He seemed too...
> genial to be stocking death).

We haven't seen him in customer service mode yet, I assume~

>       "We're... in the past?  I thought everything looked that way
> because we were in Ohio," I said.  "Quick, Connie -- what season of
> _The Simpsons_ is it?"
> 
>       The young woman eyed me suspiciously.  "What's a Simpson?"
> she asked.

X3 omfg

> "You just have to look him up on... on... how do you go online in this
> place?"
> 
>       "Mostly we stand," Connie said.

eeeeeeeheeheehee

>       "As a matter of fact," Deathstocker said, "although my power to
> requisition anything and everything no longer works in your world, I
> flatter myself that some of the advancements I have made in science and
> technology could be considered a kind of herois..."
> 
>       "Hold it," I said.

Dangit, Lite. X3 That was probably important.

> 	 "...a Billie Eilish song," I finished.  "You've never heard of MTV
> and the Legion of Net.Heroes doesn't exist... and yet you know all the
> words to a song that just came out a couple of months ago.  In my time."

*pulls out the sliding time scale and tries to figure out how that squares with 
this being somewhere in the Beige Midnight period* I'm sure it's fine. X3

> 	 "It's an iPhone 21," Connie said, lookin as smug as the cat who
> had not only eaten the canary, but had somehow convinced the canary
> that the whole thing had been the canary's idea.

Eeeeeeheehee

>       "You're the guy who invented Apple!" I gasped.  "I always knew
> there had  to be a super-villain at the back of it."

Yeah, Steve Jobs. o3o

>       "No, my suppositious sidekick," the Prof said.  "Unless I am quite
> mistaken, our insightful interlocutor has discovered a means to
> receive information from the future -- and is using that information to
> replicate advanced technology in his own timeline."

GASP. :o

>       "Your daughter's iPhone certainly resembles an Apple product, but
> the monochromatic, all-plastic construction and rough lines suggest a
> prototype at best -- one likely developed using a 3-D printer," the
> Prof replied.
> 
>       "Plus it says 'Property of Deathstocker & Co' on the bottom,"
> I said.

X3 <3

> 	 "The one on the left is Buddy Holly Ben Hur.  The one on the
> right is Ol' Miss John Glenn.  And their leader, the one in the
> middle..." Deathstocker swallowed.  "Hula Hoops Castro.  They call
> themselves... THE FIRE."
> 
>       "What do they want?" I asked.  "Apart from decades worth of
> royalties from Billy Joel?"

Fascinating. X3

> 	 "...by midnight tonight, then the imperialist pig-dogs of your
> paper tiger capitalist puppet show will face the inconceivable might of
> our RED CHINA JOHNNY RAY... and that will mean real trouble in
> the Suez!"
> 
>       "Why do I feel like these guys might be working with the Space
> Monkey Mafia?" I said, as the holographic scene switched to a
> commercial for Efferdent.  "Or hiding out at Elvis Presley Disneyland?"

This is a hell of a running gag. X3 <3 <3 <3

>       "I thought that was goat," I said.  "What did you all keep in this
> barn, anyway, before it got filled with all kinds of science
> doohickeys?"
> 
>       "We held a middle school dance here once," Connie said.

GASP!

>       The last light shone on a tall translucent box at the top of a
> pulsating metal ziggurat.  Within the box stood a man -- who, because
> he was stark naked, and somewhat younger than I was used to, it took me
> a few seconds to recognize.
> 
>       "Allow me to introduce my latest discovery -- the greatest hero of
> the 21st century, and the one who may very well save the 20th,"
> Deathstocker said.  "He has not yet revealed his name to me, but I
> call him..."
> 
>       "...Substitute Lad!" I gasped.

Holy shit :o

> Will the
> author ever be able to get that song out of his head?

Will the readers?? X3

>       SPECIAL THANKS: To Arthur, Drew and Scott for their kind
> words on episode #58, and to Apocalypso for time, confidence and
> continued inspiration.

Awwwwww :> Gosh, I'm enjoying this so much. |> Looking forward to the big #60!

Drew "catching up, here and there" Nilium