LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #215: LNH v2 #44-45
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Sep 12 14:27:20 PDT 2021
You can sift through the racc list archive
or you can try google groups racc for these issues of LNH v2.
First we've got Martin Phipps writing LNH v2 #44. It's a musical
and it's got Special Bonding Boy, Sarcastic Lad, and a character
called the Brokeback Kid. What could possibly go wrong with such
a concept especially with a guy like Martin writing this?
And then we've got LNH v2 #45 by Saxon Brenton for those people
who've always wondered how the Greek mythological character Medusa
fits in to LNH Continuity! Is she Captain Killfile's Mom? Or
perhaps Captain Killfile is actually Medusa's Mom? Or... okay...
Let's just get on with this...
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
LNH v2 #44-45
From: Martin Phipps martinphipps2 at yahoo.com
Date: Wed Jun 29 07:49:18 PDT 2011
| |-| \
| |-|  / #44"
| | |  egion of \ "LNH --THE MUSICAL!!!"
| | | __     /
| | | [___][ \et.__eroes \
| | | \ ] [ __ ] / Written and copyright 2011
| |-|     \ Martin Phipps
| | SPECIAL BONDING BOY! SARCASTIC LAD! THE BROKEBACK KID!
The lobby, LNH HQ. A man entered, dressed as a cowboy complete with
a cowboy hat, a dirty white shirt, jeans, chaps and cowboy boots. He
walked up to the reception desk and spoke to Crystal, the receptionist
“Hello there,” he said to her.
“Hello,” she replied. “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“You could say that,: he said. “You see I was…
Walking down the road,
I had my hat - on,
I had my shirt - dirty.
I’d have my saddle
On my horse.
That is, if I had a horse,
“Uh huh,” Crystal said. “And what exactly do you want?”
“I wanna be a cowboy,” he said,
“and you can be my cowgirl
I wanna be a cowboy
and you can be my cowgirl
I wanna be a cowboy.”
“Now, hold on,” Crystal said. “This isn’t a rodeo.”
“Oh, right,: he said, “Let me explain.
I wanna be a hero,
Six-gun at my side,
Chewing my tobacco.
Here at your HQ,
I hear the alarm sound.
Villains on the warpath,
I wanna be a cowboy
and you can be my cowgirl
I wanna be a cowboy
I’m the Brokeback Kid
The newest net.hero. Yo.”
“Oh, I see. But, you see, the problem is
We don't need another hero
We don't need help fighting bad guys
All we want to get on with our lives”
“But I can help,” The Brokeback Kid said.
“I don’t think so,” she said. “I mean, your name is a bit
“What do you mean?”
“Well, the whole gay cowboy thing.”
“What do you mean?”
“Um… you don’t know?”
“Did you even see Brokeback Mountain?”
“No. I just thought The Brokeback Kid was a cool sounding name.
Crystal sighed. “I really think you should go rent it.”
The Brokeback Kid nodded. “Okay. I’ll do that. I’ll go to a video
store, rent the video, take it home and start watching it right away.”
Two hours later.
“Oh. My. God.”
And then when the movie was over, he reconsidered his whole approach.
“Okay,” he said. “So The Brokeback Kid won’t work as a code name.
Too bad. It was a cool name. Maybe I should be… The Back Breaker!
Yeah! Like Bane from the Batman series Knightfall. Except he’s a
A devious smile appeared on his face. He whispered. “Maybe I can
be a villain!” Then he sang,
“Would you dance if I told you to dance?
Would you run and never look back
Would you scream if you saw me coming
Could I take your soul tonight?
Would you tremble as you said my name?
Would you cower in fear of me?
Now would you die for the one you love?
Or see her die tonight?
I can be you villain baby
I can cause all your pain
I will hunt you down forever
You can’t put me away
An hour later, he was back in the lobby atLNH HQ.
“Now, Net.Heroes! Tremble in fear for I am… THE BACK BREAKER!”
As it happened, nobody was there except Special Bonding Boy.
“Why do you want to be a villain?” he asked.
The Back Breaker hesitated, not sure how to respond.
“Don’t be a villain,” he said. “Be a hero.” He sang,
“I believe the heroes are our are future
Be one well and you can lead the way
Show us all the beauty you possess inside
Create a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the people's admiration remind you how we’re supposed to be
Everybody searches for a hero
People need someone to help save them
You could be the one to fulfill their needs
A lonely place to be
If a villain you want to be
I decided long ago, never to be an evil person
If I fail, if I don’t survive
At least I am the good guy
No matter what you take from me
You can't take away my integrity
Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to be a net.hero
It is the greatest love of all.”
The Back Breaker was deeply moved. “Wow.”
“Please,” Special Bonding Boy said. “Don’t be a villain. Be a
“I tried being a hero. I was laughed at.”
“I was the Brokeback Kid.”
“Oh. So you’re a gay cowboy!”
“NO!” he said firmly. “I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with
“Of course,” Special Bonding Boy said, “but don’t you realize that
it is okay to be laughed at here?”
“What do you mean?”
“The LNH is supposed to be funny. I mean take Cheesecake Eater
“Yeah, So? What about him?”
“His power is to eat cheesecakes.”
“Doesn’t he also make cheesecakes?”
“The point is it is funny. Or take me. I’m Special Bonding Boy.
I’m all about love.”
“I love everybody!”
“Yes.” Special Bonding Boy thought for a moment. “I guess that
means I’m bi.”
“Okay, too much information!”
“No, of course there’s nothing wrong with that,” he said quickly,
desperately change the subject. “I just don’t want to know.”
“Fair enough.” Special Bonding Boy nodded. “Anyway, your shtick
can be that everybody thinks you’re a gay cowboy because you call
yourself The Brokeback Kid but you are actually straight. That’s
“Yep! And that means you can be a net.hero!
“Absolutely!” Special Bonding Boy started to sing.
“There's a hero
If you look inside your heart
You don't have to be afraid
Of what you are
There's an answer
If you reach into your soul
And the sorrow that you know
Will melt away
So when a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And they cast their fears aside
And they know they can survive
Cause when they feel like hope is gone
They’ll look to you remain strong
Cause you'll have finally seen the truth
That a net.hero are you.”
“Oh for God’s sake will you shut up!” said Sarcastic Lad who had
entered right on cue. “What is with all the singing?”
“Singing is fun!” Special Bonding Boy said. “Come on!
Sing, sing a song
Sing out loud, sing out strong
Sing of good things not bad
Sing of happy not sad
Sing, sing a song
Make it simple to last your whole life long
Don't worry that it's not good enough
For anyone else to hear
Just sing, sing a song”
“I don’t think so,” Sarcastic Lad said. “And who are you supposed
to be? What’s with the cowboy outfit?”
The Brokeback Kid smiled. “I’m The Braokeback Kid.”
“Oh,” Sarcastic Lad said. “A gay cowboy. How original.”
Special Bonding Boy frowned. “Why do you have to be so mean?”
Sarcastic Lad shook his head. “Don’t try using your powers on me,
Special Bonding Boy! It won’t work!”
“You don’t know?” Sarcastic Lad asked. “Really? Are you really
that far behind in your reading? I mean, you don’t know my origin?”
“No,” Special Bonding Boy said with a smile still on his face.
“Alright,” Sarcastic Boy said. “I’ll tell you then. I’m possessed
by a demon.”
“Yes, the demon makes me say sarcastic things.”
“Explain how that works,” Special Bonding Boy said. “I really want
Sarcastic Lad sighed. “Well, alright, so,” he began,
“I'm possessed by an evil demon that causes me to be sarcastic
I keep thinking up quips and I'm thinking they’re fantastic
The devil's spirit's trapped inside me and it wants out
If I think up something nasty I don’t whisper but shout
People may think that I do it because I just don’t care
But the truth is there’s a demon right down in here
I feel the demon constantly egging me on
To say nasty things until everybody around me is gone
I admit it is kinda fun to say these witty remarks
Other times I just feel as though I’m harvesting farts
All I get from you people is hatred and scorn
But you’d act the same way possessed so I warn
Be careful what demon you have possessing your heart
Or you too will end up feeling like you’re harvesting farts”
“You did it!” Special Bonding Boy said. “You sang!”
“No I didn’t!” Sarcastic Lad said.
“Actually, he rapped” The Brokeback Kid said. “That was Demon
Inside Me by Eminem. Half it anyway. Except the lyrics were, of
course, completely different.”
“Seriously?” Sarcastic Lad grimaced. “Alright, that’s it.
Obviously some writer is making us perform music for his perverse
pleasure but it stops now! This story is over!
I will also post this to the lnh authors group so I'll know right away
if it shows up.
From: Saxon Brenton saxonbrenton at hotmail.com
Date: Fri Sep 30 18:38:09 PDT 2011
[LNH][Contest] Legion of Net.Heroes Volume 2 #45
| |-| \
| |-|  / #45
| | |  egion of \ 'When Nerds Do Mythology: A Farce'
| | | __     / (Part of High Concept Challenge #23)
| | | [___][ \et.__eroes \
| | | \ ] [ __ ] / written by and copyright 2011
| |-|     \ Saxon Brenton
| | Cover shows Retcon Lad holding the decapitated and petrified
| | head of Medusa in both hands. He is looking at it (without ill
| | effect to himself), with an ambiguous expression on his face.
In an isolated but comfortably appointed villa, back in the age of
ancient-overlapping-with-mythological Greece, Medusa sat brooding. She
was rightly angry about being betrayed by the goddess Athena, but
bitterness had cankered her soul. She was now a monster, and not just
because of her appearance.
Medusa heard voices from outside her house...
"Well, I have no idea where we are," went one, this voice being male.
"Or *when*, either," said a second male voice.
"Heck, I don't even know where this fits into our continuity," said
a female voice.
"We have continuity*?" said the first voice, pretending to be
pleasantly surprised. "Cool!"
"Retcon Lad, that joke was old when they used it back in the
Retcon Hour crossover," sighed the female voice, which belonged to Fourth
"Well, there you go then. We do know where this story fits in
continuity. It's set sometime after Retcon Hour."
"GAH-roan," groaned the second male. "That's not helpful, and you
"Okay, okay. Joking aside ARAK, you guys just wait here, and I'll
go and ask at that house."
Anal-retentive Archive Kid folded his arms. "And what makes you
think they'll even know what you’re talking about?"
Retcon Lad threw his arms up in the air. "Oh for... Look, do we
live in a parody universe or don't we? I'll just yell, 'The year, man!
What year is this!?', and then the rules of comedy will ensure that
they'll be able to tell us exactly when and where we are, and probably
even provide a whole mess of other useful pieces of information."
ARAK raised an eyebrow. "You just be careful. They'll probably
turn out to be a quest-giver, or something."
"Yeah, yeah. You and your Joseph Campbell-style big words," said
Retcon Lad, as he wandered over and knocked at the door.
Medusa opened the door. Retcon Lad said, "Pardon me, miss, but
could you please..." And that was as far as he got before he turned
Medusa glided past him, intend on finding the other two. Kill!
Kill! KILL!!! And that was her final mistake, because it never
occurred to her to make sure that her victim would stay dead, and
accordingly didn't take any steps to incapacitate him.
Retcon Lad frowned. Oh, freaking wonderful, he thought, as he
recognised Medusa, at least from her description. The nest-of-
serpents-for-hair was diagnostic, of course, but other indicators were
the snake-like tongue and tusks, the scaly skin, the golden wings, and
the claws of metal. (Now were those claws brass or copper? He
couldn't remember. He'd have to ask Anal-Retentive Archive Kid; no
doubt he'd know off the top of his head.)
Irritated now, Retcon Lad decided to invoke his powers and tweak
what had happened. It wasn't *just* that he auto-resurrected himself
every time he got killed. Now it was the case that he would gain
immunity from this type of nonsense any time a mythopoeic creature
tried this sort of crap on him. Immunity, and the ability the bounce
back any assault. He stalked up behind Medusa as she glided forward
for her next kills, and grabbed her roughly on the shoulders. As he
spun her around he growled, "You only get to do that ONCE!" and then
stared her full in the face.
And Medusa - sister of Euryale and Stheno, youngest of the
gorgons - turned to stone.
Retcon Lad glared at her remains. Then he yelled, "Guys! "I
think you're gonna want to come over here."
Fourth Wall Lass and Anal-Retentive Archive Kid walked over.
Retcon Lad explained what had happened. Fourth Wall Lass looked bemused
by this. Meanwhile ARAK's expression was...
Well, do you remember those old Warner Brothers cartoons where the
school kid Ralph Phillips was always letting his imagination run away
with him, and just as a new flight of fancy overtook him the corners of
his mouth would curl upwards in a really goofy smile? That was the sort
of expression that Anal-Retentive Archive Kid had on his face.
Retcon Lad saw this, and said, "No, we are not using a time machine
to visit the cities of Sodom and Gomorra, twice."
"Well, darn," said ARAK, apparently not particularly upset by this.
"I obviously need to work on my poker face." He ahemed, and looked at
the others. "Bit of a problem though. Killing Medusa was Perseus' job."
"So? It's all mythology!" exclaimed an exasperated Retcon Lad.
"The story tellers will just make up the correct version, never mind
"Versions, plural, actually," said ARAK. "So you're right about
that. But I mean, what if Perseus turns up? Right now? FaWL?" he asked.
Fourth Wall Lass was ahead of him, already scanning the narrative
captions. "He's incoming," she informed the two men. "Flying in from
that direction," she said, pointing off to the north-west, "Seventy miles
"Almost certainly on the winged sandals Hermes gave him," ARAK
added absently as he quickly formulated a plan. "Okay, here's what
we're going to do. Retcon Lad, I'm going to need you to use your powers
to tweak what will be happening. Now try this on for size. Perseus
isn't going to be looking a Medusa directly because he'll think she's
still alive and still has the ability to turn people to stone. He'll
be using a polished bronze shield as a mirror to look at her indirectly,
and that won't be anywhere near as good as the silvered glass mirrors
that we're used to. If we take the Medusa statue inside, where it's
darker, and maybe put some pink makeup on her, he probably won't even
notice that she's not flesh and blood. The fact that he'll be hyped
for his big fight scene with her will make him even less likely to
notice the obvious."
"Green makeup," said Fourth Wall Lass. "Scaly skin, and all."
"Actually her scales where human flesh pink rather than green,"
said Retcon Lad, "But Perseus wouldn't know any different and will
probably think in cliches anyway."
"Fair point," said ARAK. "In any case, Perseus comes into the
house, and sees Medusa standing there. Meanwhile we'll be hiding on the
other side of the fourth wall to make sure that nothing goes wrong.
Perseus chops her head off with that adamant sword of his, and flies off
home to meet Polydectes and along the way rescues Andromeda." He paused
and stroked his chin. "What else needs to be taken care of?"
"Well obviously the fact that Medusa no longer has the power to
turn people to stone," pointed out Fourth Wall Lass.
Retcon Lad shrugged. "I didn't want her petrifying you two," he
Fourth Wall Lass kissed him on the cheek. "I know. And it's a
good sign that on the spur of the moment you thought to neutralise her
danger like that.
"She has a point though," said ARAK. "Perseus is supposed to turn
Phineus and his army to stone. Atlas too, as I recall."
"Well obviously it's Perseus who does it," Fourth Wall Lass said.
"Well, yeah, he's the one who'll be carrying around the Medusa
"No no no. It'll be Perseus who gets the power to turn people to
stone," she said. "Don't you see, we arrange for him to be BITTEN BY A
RADIOACTIVE MEDUSA HEAD."
The other two Legionnaires stared at her. "Cooool!"
"Okay, okay, that works great as a metaphor," said ARAK excitedly.
"Obviously a stone statue can't actually bite..." he paused and looked
at Retcon Lad. "You didn't imbue her with any abilities to move,
"No, she's fully inanimate."
"Right. Just checking. Anyway, Perseus fumbles the head of
Medusa, and gets a scratch from one of the sharp edges on those
tusk-like teeth. By the power of handwavey mumbojumbo he gains the
power to turn people to stone - but only when he's making a conscious
effort and only when he's using the head of Medusa."
"The head will be his Obvious Accessible Foci," said Retcon Lad,
lapsing into role-playing game jargon.
"Right. Anything else? No? Then let's get to work."
The three of them manhandled the statue back inside the house.
Then Fourth Wall Lass took a battery from her communicator.thingee,
carefully bashed it open with a rock, then dabbed the contents of the
battery onto the teeth of Medusa and her snake hair.
"Uh, lithium isn't radioactive, you know," protested ARAK.
"Details details," she said dismissively. "A moment ago you were
happy to have a scratch work as a metaphor, but now you're complaining
that I'm not using the exact materials. Make yourself useful and go
and find some green paint."
Perseus arrived at the island off at the end of forever, and from
the air quickly spotted the houses of the gorgon sisters. He used the
helm of invisibility to render himself unseen, and then scouted which
was the home of the mortal sister, Medusa. Then he entered her house
and began using the reflected image in his shield to guide his way.
He did not have to search far for her. In the shadows of the main
room the hero saw a figure, standing and facing towards the door. Why
was she standing still? Did she know that he was coming? Did she know
where he was, despite his invisibility?
Fourth Wall Lass read these concerns in Perseus' thought balloons
and quickly extemporised. She opened a small hole in the fourth wall
and said, "So, you are Perseus, come at the behest of the bitch goddess
Athena. I have been warned of your arrival, and now I will destroy
you... Uh. Oh darn, my dress is caught. Hold on a second..."
Recognising an opportunity, Perseus sprung forward and chopped off
Medusa's head. There was literally a snicker-snack sound effect, and
the head fell to the floor.
"Aahh! You have killed me!" continued Fourth Wall Lass. "Aahh!
I am turning to stone!"
Perseus used the image reflected in his shield to search for the
head, then scooped it up to dump it into the bag he had with him. As
he grasped the head, one of the lithium laced tusks scratched his skin.
Perseus ignored this and stuffed the head into the bag.
Meanwhile, ARAK was muttering to himself. "'snicker-snack?'
'Snicker-snack!' What, is that sword of his a vorpal blade or something?"
Retcon Lad shrugged. "Don't look at me. I didn't retcon in
anything like that."
Perseus heard these whispers and sprung on guard again. "Who's
there?" he demanded, holding his sword at the ready.
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid acted quickly. In his best bad horse-
like breigh he said, "It is I, Pegasus, the winged horse, conceived of
the union of Medusa and Poseidon. Now that you have cleaved Medusa's
head from her shoulders, and am birthed. And now I must away, lest you
try to use me as a beast of burden as you humans treat all horses."
Then ARAK quickly gestured for Fourth Wall Lass and made rending
motions. "Destroy the roof," he whispered.
Fourth Wall Lass used her powers to create gaps in the fourth wall
to rip away some of the support beams in the roof of Medusa's house,
thereby simulating the departure of a winged horse making a rapid
departure upwards. With the remaining ceiling beginning to fall in,
Perseus made his own hasty exit from the building. Once outside he
paused only for long enough to check that he had all of the things he
needed as part of his quest, and then flew away as well.
A gap opened in the fourth wall, and the three LNHers stepped
through and watched him go.
"Well, that's that taken care of," said Retcon Lad. "But we still
need to get directions."
"But I'm guessing that it isn't a good idea to hang around here,"
said Forth Wall Lass. She looked at ARAK and said, "As I recall,
Medusa's sisters weren't very happy with Perseus over this."
"You're right," ARAK agreed. "Come on, let's get out of here."
They stepped back across the fourth wall, and were gone.
Anal-Retentive Archive Kid, Fourth Wall Lass and Retcon Lad all
created by Saxon Brenton.
Written for the 23rd high Concept Challenge: Mythrepresentation.
Dvandom was probably wise in specifying a 'well known' myth,
since my first reaction was to have the character of Lenny the Squirrel
(who has the backstory of actually being an angel-like Dreamtime
creature called a yabon) recite some side event at the corroborree
during Looniverse's version of 'Why The Skyfather Baiame Turned The Dingo
Tribe Into Dogs' (I read a lot of Patricia Wrightson novels as a kid,
and her use of Aboriginal mythology in turn led me to read a lot of that
as well). I also briefly considered rehashing the modern Australian war
myth about 'Simpson, The Man With The Donkey'.
I was also going to use the LNHY character of Google.mesh to tell
of why he turned down the amorous advances of the goddess Innana (he knew
that if he pleased her in bed then he would die when her literal 'fires
of lust' immolated him, but that if he didn't please her she would grow
a vagina dentata and bite his guy parts off; a loosing situation for
him either way) but after re-reading Martin's old _Google.mesh_ series
I realised that Martin had covered that ground already.
Saxon Brenton University of Technology, city library, Sydney Australia
saxon.brenton at uts.edu.au saxonbrenton at hotmail.com
"These 'no-nonsense' solutions of yours just don't hold water in a complex
world of jet-powered apes and time-travel." - Superman, JLA Classified #3
Next Week: Something that has LNH in title probably...
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer
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