REPOST/LNH: The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season One #1
arspitzer2 at gmail.com
Sun Oct 31 14:07:29 PDT 2021
Well, since today's Halloween I'll just put off the LNH Classic Adventures
for a week and post the first two issues of the The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project
Funny thing I was rereading this and couldn't even remember what else I was
parodying here besides Alien. Then finally I realized that the series name
was based on the Blair Witch Project. Ah, old age..
The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season One #1
The Ultimate Ninja looked at the various papers he had just been handed with a
suspicious expression. "What is this?"
"They're umm papers," said Namer Boy with a slightly worried look on his face.
"Papers that I need you to sign because of this Documentary that's being made about
"Yeah. It's a bunch of legal stuff. The people who are making the documentary need
you to sign them so they can like have your full permission to film on the LNHHQ and
interview the various LNH'rs. It's, I guess, standard stuff." Namer Boy said with a
"Wait. They're making a documentary about you? That's what you're saying?" said the
ninja with a tone of complete and utter disbelief.
"Yep! It's going to be like a 24 episodes documentary (each an hour long) that's
going to air on USENetflix. They're going to film my life for a whole year. And
maybe if it's popular there'll be like a season two!"
"No," said the ninja shaking his head. "This sounds like a prank. Probably by
Sarcastic Lad -- Frat Boy -- maybe Invisible Incendiary. Yes. That's probably it."
"Umm, I think it's real, UN -- I mean -- the people I've been talking to -- well, it
sounded legit. I don't think it's a prank."
"Why? Why would anyone in their right mind do a documentary about you of all people?
I mean there are literally over a thousand members of the LNH that would make a more
interesting subject than you would. I mean pretty much every single LNH'r there has
ever been or every will be would be a better choice (well of course ignoring Never-
Should-Have-A-Documentary-Made-About-Them Pirate Gorilla Robohunk)."
"Err -- umm..."
"I mean if it's not a prank -- then it must be some super villain plot. Hmm," said
the ninja mulling that idea over for a bit. "But why would any super villain do
this? They would surely know that I would never ever approve of something as stupid
as this. But wait," the ninja gave another long dramatic pause, "Is that part of the
plan? That they expect me to NOT sign off on this obvious cinematic abomination. Is
that the long game here? Is that what they're expecting me to do?"
"Yes, that could be it. It makes perfect sense. Any mastermind worth their salt
would know that I would never ever approve of a Namer Boy documentary -- that it
would never ever happen on my watch. And that's how it begins. How it all begins!
Some dark timeline leading to an apocalyptic future that could have been easily
stopped if only I had done this stupid and absurd act of signing these papers. Hmm."
And then there was some more dramatic silence as the Ultimate Ninja just gazed at the
papers deep in thought -- deep in calculation of all the possible timelines that
could happen. And Namer Boy was also very silent -- afraid to say anything or even
And finally, "Okay. Guess I'll sign them." The Ultimate Ninja made various
scribbles on the various papers and handed them back to Namer Boy.
"Umm, thanks," said a nervous Namer Boy edging slowly towards the door.
"And if this turns out to be a prank?" the Ultimate Ninja made a gesture towards his
Ginsu Katana and then made some stabby motions with it.
"YES!!" chortled a (man?) wearing a ski mask over (his?) face gazing into a monitor
screen that showed the Ultimate Ninja and Namer Boy. This mysterious person wore a
shirt with the words 'Dr. You'll-Never-Guess-Which-Arthur-Spitzer-Character-I-Am-
NEVER!' in bold print. And he (okay, he's a male -- I don't have the patience to
keep adding these parentheses) was also sporting some flashy looking MC Hammer
Two guys in cop uniforms were busy filming him while he continued cackling. "Yes.
All my carefully planned machinations have all led to this! All the Flame Wars,
Killfile Wars, Infinite Aprils, Beige Midnights, Beige Beer o'Clocks, Wikilulls,
9-11s, the Comboverthing Presidency -- all of it. Right here! Right now! Now it's
finally happening! The Ultimate Plot of all Ultimate Plots!! This is it! It's been
leading to this! But -- what you ask? What am I talking about?"
And the masked villain gave a long dramatic pause. And popped some candy in his
"So should we keep filming," said one of the camera guys by the name of Sarge.
"Yes, yes!! Keep filming! I'm just having a long dramatic pause! But keep filming!
Okay, where was I?"
"You were about to reveal what you were talking about?" said the other camera guy by
the name of Kid.
"Right, right! Yes, yes," the masked villain cleared his throat. "The Namer Boy
Documentary!! That's what this has all been leading to!! Every single LNH story has
been leading to this moment!! And now that the Ultimate Ninja has foolishly signed
those papers -- nothing can stop it!!! Nothing!!!!
"But what no one knows except for me -- is that this Documentary is not going to be
about Namer Boy! No, it was never going to be about Namer Boy!! NEVER!!! But
what's it going to be about, you ask, dear viewer? Can you even dare to guess?"
"I dunno. Maybe it will be about Brad Pitt?" asked Kid.
"God. That would be so freakin' lame!" said Sarge shaking his head.
"No! You're not having this, 'Is Brad Pitt lame?' debate!! I forbid it!! No, this
documentary is not about Namer Boy or Brad Pitt..."
"Thank God.." said a very relieved Sarge.
"It's going to be about me!!! Yes, ME!!!!! All me!!!! All the billions of people
in the Looniverse that will watch this Namer Boy documentary..."
"Hmm. Billions seems a bit high. Maybe more like.." said Kid counting his fingers
on one hand.
"They're going to see a documentary about me instead!! Muhahahahahhahh! Yes!! And
they'll wonder who is this sexy hunk of mysterious MASTERMIND. They'll be so
completely riveted by that question -- Yes. They'll talk about it with their work
mates at the old water cooler! It will be a bigger trender on the old social media
majiggy!! They'll be talking! They'll all be talking. But they won't be able to
guess. No! They'll have to wait for the final episode where it will be revealed who
I am! And they'll think to themselves, 'Ah! Should've guessed that! That was quite
obvious really! Of course it would be him! The most awesome, greatest, sexiest of
all of the LNH villains!!' But they won't guess it! Nope!!!" And he popped another
piece of candy into his mouth.
"Wow. That sounds great -- and we're going to be the regular film crew for this
whole thingee, right? Because I could really use the steady paycheck," asked Sarge.
"Yes, yes, yes. Anyways... oh," the mysterious ski-masked man winced his face and
clutched his hand on his chest. "Uhggg. Don't feel so good. Maybe too much
Halloween candy? Oh, Jesus." He suddenly had a panicked look as if he could feel
something horrible was about to happen.
And then a huge red geyser started spraying out of his chest as a parakeet covered in
that same blood and wearing a tiny witches hat burst out of it. The parakeet
screeched like a demon from hell.
A very shocked Kid dropped his camera and started to blast the room with bullets.
And Sarge (still filming all this) shouted, "No! Stop shooting, Kid! That's Pumpkin
the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!! She really hates people who try to shoot at her!
Plus she's got like this blood that's stronger than the strongest acid so you really
don't want to wound her!"
"Oh!" An embarrassed Kid pulled his weapon down, "Sorry, Pumpkin! I didn't realize
you were one of the Holiday Miracle Pets! I thought you were just your every day
typical parakeet that bursts out of people's chests! My bad!"
Pumpkin didn't bother responding back -- instead she burst out of one of the windows
as if she had way betters things to do than accept some stupid human's apology. This
was Halloween after all! There would be Miracles. And there would be Blood!
"Hey, hey, hey!!" shouted a naked Charlie Sheen who had just come out of one of the
second floor rooms. "Could you assholes keep it down? I'm trying to snort coke off
of my sabertooth tiger Binky's testicles!! Jesus! This is Halloween! Show some
respect!" And there was a loud roar coming from that room. A roar from some animal
that should have remained extinct if it weren't for the work of mad scientists
playing god. Charlie Sheen went back into his room and slammed the door shut.
"Sorry, Mr. Sheen and Mr. Binky!" said Sarge. "Won't happen again!"
"Oh, man, Sarge," said a very distressed Kid. "Is ski mask guy dead?"
Sarge examined the body. "'Fraid so. I mean I think he could have survived the
burst chest, but all those gunshots he took..."
"Whoops!" said Kid looking very sheepishly at his gun. "Guess this means that that
Namer Boy documentary isn't going to happen. Hmm. Guess we'll never find out who
this guy really was."
"Oh, I wouldn't say that," said Sarge as he removed the ski mask off the man. "Then
again. Yeah, I don't who the hell this guy is."
"Me either!" said Kid with a shrug.
"Well, anyways, Happy Halloween -- Kid!"
"Yeah, Happy Halloween, Sarge!"
"Jesus!! Shut the fuck up!!!!" raged Charlie Sheen.
The Ultimate Ninja -- wReam
Namer Boy, Sarge, Kid,
Binky the Sabertooth Tiger, and Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet are
Writer's Notes: When I first thought of doing this story I wasn't planning on
being as obvious about who the mysterious villain was, but since Drew posted
that link to Greatest-Most-Awesome-LNH-Villain-Ever Master Man I might as well
be more obvious. So, yeah, It's that guy. And I'll assume he's way too
awesome to die from a burst chest and multiple gun wounds -- so if anyone still
wants to use him for stuff -- go ahead.
And I've got an idea for a second issue -- so maybe expect that in 2020..
Here's some roster stuff for Pumpkin:
Name: Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet
Appearance: She's a parakeet that's the same color as candy corn (although
a lot of time splattered in blood. Where's a tiny witches hat.
Powers: Can transform into any type of Halloween candy. Also very good at
bursting out of people's chests. And various other Halloween miracle powers.
Usability: Free for use (although only during the Halloween season)
Hollywood Celebrity Totem: Charlie Sheen
Arthur "Boo!" Spitzer
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