ACRA/LNH: The BitTorrented Clickbaity Spham E-Mail of The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season Three #3

[Drew Nilium]

On 10/26/21 9:06 PM, Arthur Spitzer wrote:
> Warning:  This Story is Not For the Faint of Heart!  Or Those Easily Triggered by Incredibly Disturbing
> Offensive Content!!  Or -- Heck -- Anyone!!!  No one should read this story -- EVER!!!  Don't do it!!!
> Just stop reading right now!  Unplug your computer or destroy your phone or whatever device you're using to
> read this right now!!!   Burn them!  BURN THEM ALL!!!!!

This is gonna be great :D

> Hmm.  Am I perhaps being a tad overly dramatic?  Maybe this story isn't as depraved and vile and completely
> shitting your pants god awful horrifying as I'm making out to be.  Perhaps.  Perhaps I am slightly
> overreacting here.  Maybe you'll read this story and say to yourself -- that wasn't just a big deal.  Why
> all the fuss?  Perhaps.  Perhaps you've already gazed into the abyss and had a jolly good old time with
> that.  Perhaps.

I mean, I *have* spent most of the last quarter-century on the Internet.

> (But then again...
> 
> MAYBE I'M NOT BEING DRAMATIC ENOUGH!!!!
> 
> JUST MAYBE!!!!!!!!!
> 
> MAYBE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> **** AN UNHOLY SCREAM TOWARDS THE HEAVENS ****!!!!!!!)

God I love Arthur's style. X3

> You have been warned.  Thanks!  Be sure to smash the like and subscribe button!

XD XD XD <3 <3 <3

> Deep, deep down the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters Building there was a basement and a number of sub-
> sub-basements below even that filled with all types of nightmarish creepy things.  And if you could manage
> to have the courage to trek your way down to the 237th sub-sub basement you'd find a hotel.

Oh shit, that's even deeper than the last time I mentioned a super deep level :o

>       ***** FIVE Tricks with a Radish That Will Give You Job Interview Success!  Guaranteed!! *****

That's rad, but not *that* rad

> Sometimes it felt like there was something behind him.  Something very close that was
> about to touch him.  Always just about to touch him.  But every time he turned around -- it wouldn't be
> there.  But it always felt like it was there.   It was always there.  It would always be there.  He hated
> this place. 

Arthur is *so good* at dread.

> And then he looked at the man sitting directly in front of him.  The seventyish year old man
> that he was interviewing for the Caretaker job.  Just ask your questions and hire him.  And then you can
> get out of this place before the elevators stop working.

Funny, the blood usually gets off on the second floor.

> "So, Mister," he looked down at the resume, "Axel Dewiefunkid?  Did I say that right?"
> 
> "Just call me Axe.  That's what my friends all call me.  Occasionally, The Axe Man and every now and then
> the Axe-inator!  But, Axe -- that's fine."

Honestly, when I hit 70 I want to be known as the Axe-inator.

> "Yeah, my wife -- Screamy and my," he let out a weary sigh, "And my kid, Sonny.  Sonny who still lives at
> home despite being 46 years old and can't seem to hold a job for longer than a week."  His son with a very
> embarrassed expression took the magazine he had been reading and moved it up closer so that it could
> completely hide his face.

I mean, in this economy, by which I mean the one we've been in all my adult 
life... @@

> Yeah, I think I can go another whole 5 months without a single drink and axing my
> family to death.  Yeah.  I think I can do that.  I think I can!  Totally.  Piece of cake!"
> 
> "Well, that's great to hear!

Yeah, this is definitely how being stuck in a terrible job feels. X3;

> But right before Axe could write his signature, his son -- Sonny Dewiefunkid got up out of his chair and
> put his hand up towards his mouth and then began to move it like a puppet while making a growly voice.  "I
> don't trust this guy," he said pointing towards the Hotel Manager.  "If this were an episode of Scooby Doo
> -- he'd be the guy with the rubber mask over his head!  We need to go to the LNHHQ Cafeteria so we can get
> my buddies Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad and..."

...huhhhhhh :o

> Axe tried to restrain Sonny.  "My son -- gets these spells -- thinks he's..." And Axe paused for a moment.
> He didn't really want to tell the Hotel Manager who his son thought he was.  In a better world maybe his
> son would at least think he was Napoleon, Jesus, Hitler or something that wasn't so completely stupid.  But
> that wasn't the world that Axe lived in.  Nope, not this one.  Axe gave a heavy sigh and continued.
> "...Thinks he's -- Namer Boy."

Oh god. X3 <3

> "Hey, is everything all right here?" said a concerned elderly African American man that had just stepped
> into the room.  His name was Huck Dolluhrind.  He was the head cook at the hotel.  His right hand had a
> radish in it.  And he raised the radish up so that everyone could see it.  And looked straight at the hotel
> manager.  "You need to hire these folks."
> 
> The manager looked at the radish and nodded.  "Yeah, hire.  Hire.  Need to hire..."

Oh shit. :o So that's how they do it.

> "That's what my gramma used to call it.  The Namerboyuhneeen!  She had it.  And I have it.  And it's a
> little easier now days to have it since Namer Boy is actually a member of the LNH.  I mean back when I
> first got it -- it was way, way before 2004.  I mean try explaining to people how the spirit possessing you
> won't be a member of the LNH till 2004?  Really tough -- explaining that.  Really tough.  At least it's
> easier to explain Namerboyuhneeen now days."

X3;;; That's amazing

> This is what saved my life."
> 
> "A radish?"
> 
> "Yeah, got it from Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver.

omg

> Can use it to ace any job interview and help
> others with their job interviews.

OMG X3 <3

> but Namer Boy?  *Sigh*.
> Why that incredibly lame hero that no one cares about...?"
> 
> "Hey!" said in unison the growly voices of Huck and Sonny as the Namer Boy persona took over their bodies.

XD XD XD

> Oh, right!  All the evil spirits that hang around the hotel?  Try to not worry about them.
> They're mostly harmless."

OF COURSE.

> No fear -- and they won't be able to harm you."
> 
> "Wait.  But what if I show fear?"
> 
> "Then you're totally screwed.

Well shit X3

> Need to get out of
> this place before the elevators to the outside world shut down."
> 
> "Wait!  Why are the elevators shutting down?"
> 
> "Usually around this time of year the sub-sub basements above ours get into these very blizzardy conditions
> that cause a number of problems with like the elevators and phone lines and so on...

Probably because of the broken ice machine on level 225.

>                 **** 69 Surefire Strategies for Beating Writer's Block Baldness! ****

Ooooh, nice >.>C

> That
> had been his dream.  To be a writer.  Although other than some stories set in the Teenage Disco Vampire
> Barbershop Quartet Net.Force Shared Universe, he hadn't really done much.

TDVBQN.F for ever!!!

> "The Elevators don't work!  There's a big blizzard happening on the sub-sub basement above us!  We're stuck
> here!  And even if we weren't -- You're not Namer Boy!  You're some mentally ill part of me that I can't
> get rid of -- even though I very much want to!  God!  Why can't you just disappear once and for all so I
> can be free of you!  God.  *Sigh*.  Why can't I be a normal person.  Why?!"

Hmmmmmm, fascinating...

>      **** wReamicus Maximus's Seven Chest Hair Shaving Techniques That Will Impress Your Friends! ****

But why X3

> Was that some sound coming from the bathroom?  A
> splash?  And his body began heading in that direction and Sonny couldn't stop it.  There was a shower
> curtain that was fully covering the bath tub.  And his hand began to reach for the shower curtain.  No!
> Don't do this!  Don't pull the curtain!  I don't want to see what's behind it!  No!!!!   NO!!!!!!!!!Th

I always get a feeling like this when I walk into a bathroom and the shower 
curtain is closed. X3;

> Oh, God.  Sonny backed away from the bath tub.  It was -- it was...
> 
> ...A completely naked man and a sabertooth tiger wearing a bowtie -- and they were taking a bubble bath
> together -- and the naked man looked like Charlie Sheen!

THERE IT IS. :D

> "Okay, then.  I'll impart some of my great wisdom on you.  You're like some loser that still lives with his
> folks, right?  At least that's what I gathered from chatting with your Dad."
> 
> "What?  You've been talking to my Dad?"

O shit :o

> "Yeah, I get the feeling he's close to completely losing it.  Going full psycho.  About ready to axe you to
> death.  My advice?  Axe him to death first.  He'll never see that coming."
> 
> "What!?  Are you crazy?  I'm not going to axe my dad to death!  This is insane!"

Oh man, is that the twist :o

> Sonny looked down at all of the broken glass on the floor and then at the 'Break Glass in Case of
> Emergency' box attached to the hallway.  There used to be an axe in that, but now there wasn't.

Oh that's nice and creepy.

> "Oh, yeah -- right!  This isn't the LNHHQ -- is it?  Man, there are always a ton of grenade launchers
> everywhere you turn in the LNHHQ.

This was back in the mid-90s after someone uploaded a pack of DooM WADs to the 
main server.

> Oh, God, he thought pushing the door open.  And there was some guy.  An old guy in a priest outfit.  An old
> guy in a priest outfit with an axe in his hand.  An axe dripping blood.

Man, this keeps going in directions I don't expect. X3

> "Oh, hey -- are you Sonny?  Your
> parents hired me to help you with that whole Namerboyuheeen problem.  Father Spill."  Father Spill held out
> his hand as if he was hoping Sonny would shake it.

X3

> "What the...?  Help me with my...?"
> 
> "I'm the Namerboyuhcist.  I'm going to get that Namer Boy right out of you.  Don't worry, son."

OF COURSE

> People think
> that you'll just read like Latin out of the Bible and that will take care of the Namer Boy demon.  Thing is
> -- doesn't work that way.  Nope.  Namer Boy -- well, he just doesn't understand Latin.  Not a clue."
> 
> "Hey, I know some Latin -- like et cetera -- that's Latin, right?  Or -- is that Italian?  Hmm..."

X3;;;

> And there's me using that axe to chop that wicked
> Namer Boy spirit right out of you.  And I don't think your parents were really with that *whole* concept.
> But I have this very important mission to stop the evil of the Namer Boy from spreading across the world.
> So..."
> 
> "Where -- are my -- *PARENTS*!!!?"
> 
> "They're kind of all over the floor.  In bits and pieces.

D: D: D: Holy moses!

> And then I'll chain you up
> to the bed and then we can..."
> 
> "Hmm.  I think we should probably be running," interrupted the growly voice of Namer Boy.
> 
> "Yeah, no shit noshit!!" said Sonny slamming the door behind him and racing through the hotel hallway.

X3;;;;

> Huck Dolluhrind was completely relaxed -- lying on the bed of his motel room.  On the TV was FIN FANFIC
> FOOM playing against two gigantic Swedish bikini clad twins in Destructive Cityscape Volleyball in the city
> of TikTokyo.  FIN FANFIC FOOM had quite the dad bod going on. 

This is an amazing paragraph. X3 There's like three amazing jokes in this part 
alone.

> The room was filled with people.  People wearing masks.  People wearing Holiday Miracle Pet masks.  He
> could see a person with an Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon mask orally pleasuring a person
> wearing a Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret mask.

...I didn't expect this either XD XD XD

> "Say -- what the...?"  Father Spill hesitated as if he was also trying to comprehend what exactly was
> happening as he gazed into the room.  "What the H-E Double Hockey Sticks is going on here?  This is not
> right!

I love that he's flabbergasted too X3

> And then Sonny looked back into the room wondering which of these two horrors was the greater one.  And
> then he noticed that the person in the Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet mask had a grenade launcher
> and was raising and pointing it at... Oh God!  Sonny quickly ducked for cover!
> 
> Father Spill on the other hand was not as fortunate.  And there was a huge BOOM!

XD XD XD

> "Oh, man!  Bet you that's the Hotel Manager.  Bet you anything!  We need to pull that mask off!"
> 
> "Whaah...? no Nononononononono!!!!!  Don't do it!  Don't do it!  Don't!!!! Ohgodohgod!!!!"

Oh my god. X3;;;;;

> Something candy corn colored and ancient. 

This is such a good sentence.

> It was a bird.
> 
> It was...
> 
> A parakeet!
> 
> It was...
> 
> 
>        \\                                       ******                                    \\
>   .-'```^```'-.                                                                      .-'```^```'-.
> /   /\ __ /\  \                                                                    /   /\ __ /\  \
> |   ^^ \/ ^^  |     ******    Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!    ******    |   ^^ \/ ^^  |
> \   \_.__._/  /                                                                    \   \_.__._/  /
>   `'-.......-'`                                                                      `'-.......-'`
>                                                 ******

D'awwww! Happy Halloween! :D

...oh we're not done yet *keeps reading*

> Another day -- another Ax Homicide, mused Inspector Sub-Subastion

XD XD XD

> "Namer-Boy-Uh-Neeen.  Sometimes I think I'm Namer Boy."
> 
> The Inspector gave a look.
> 
> "He's a member of the LNH!"
> 
> The Inspector gave another look.
> 
> "No, really!  There's a member of the LNH called Namer Boy.  There really is!  I'm not making that up!
> Check the LNH Wiki!  Check it!!"

It's true! *...checks just in case* Yeah still there!!

> Sonny looked as 'Midnight, The Stars, And You' by Ray Noble and his Orchestra started to play away in the
> background.  It was a black and white picture with a number of people in tuxedos.  Most of them were
> wearing Holiday Miracle Pet masks.  The only people who didn't have masks on were Charlie Sheen (who didn't
> have a tuxedo -- or for that matter any clothing on), Binky the Sabertooth, Namer Boy -- and finally...
> him.  Sonny.  He was in the picture.  Wearing a tuxedo.  Smiling.  And he looked down at the date of the
> picture.
> 
>                                      'October 31, 1921'
> 
> "Well," said the Inspector with a very gruff voice.
> 
> "I don't know!  I don't know what this mean!  I don't know what any of this means!  It's all insane!  All
> of this is completely insane!!!!  Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"

Amazing. X3 This is yet another story that, structurally, shouldn't work, yet 
completely does, because of the weird-as-heck energy and emotions.

> In this one I'm tapping into my own private nightmares of 2014/2015 where I was doing various stuff to
> destroy my life and kind of got close to running out of money and being homeless.  There were plenty of
> moments back then when I'd think to myself -- which would be worse?  Moving back home and living with my
> parents or prison?  Fortunately in my case, I managed to get my old job back -- and year later had some
> financial luck -- so there was a light at the end of the tunnel in my case and hopefully its something I
> will never ever have to deal with -- but obviously its something that really, really sucks for those that
> aren't as lucky.  (Wonders if anyone has ever done that premise for a horror movie?)

Ah jeez. D: I'm glad you managed to get thru that!! And I sure hope so, it seems 
extremely timely...

> There will probably be a fourth one of these next year (assuming I manage to make it October '22 -- fingers
> crossed) -- Something probably called -- The Blood Scrawled Crystal Skull of the Namer Boy Documentary
> Project or something like that.

Drew "looking forward to it!!" Nilium