ACRA/LNH: The BitTorrented Clickbaity Spham E-Mail of The Namer Boy -- Documentary Project: Season Three #3

Arthur Spitzer arspitzer2 at
Tue Oct 26 18:06:47 PDT 2021

Warning:  This Story is Not For the Faint of Heart!  Or Those Easily Triggered by Incredibly Disturbing 
Offensive Content!!  Or -- Heck -- Anyone!!!  No one should read this story -- EVER!!!  Don't do it!!!  
Just stop reading right now!  Unplug your computer or destroy your phone or whatever device you're using to 
read this right now!!!   Burn them!  BURN THEM ALL!!!!! 

What?!  You think you can handle this story?!  Really?  You seriously think that you can handle this story.  
Well, then go ahead -- fine -- read it.  But don't say that I didn't try to warn you especially after you 
try to claw your eyeballs out to get all of these sick, sick, disgusting words that you're about to read 
out of your forever tainted and corrupted brain that can never be pure ever again!!!  DON'T SAY I DIDN'T 
WARN YOU!!!!!  DON'T SAY IT!!!!!! DON'T!!!!!!

Hmm.  Am I perhaps being a tad overly dramatic?  Maybe this story isn't as depraved and vile and completely 
shitting your pants god awful horrifying as I'm making out to be.  Perhaps.  Perhaps I am slightly 
overreacting here.  Maybe you'll read this story and say to yourself -- that wasn't just a big deal.  Why 
all the fuss?  Perhaps.  Perhaps you've already gazed into the abyss and had a jolly good old time with 
that.  Perhaps.

(But then again... 


JUST MAYBE!!!!!!!!!





You have been warned.  Thanks!  Be sure to smash the like and subscribe button!

The BitTorrented 
              Spham E-Mail of 
                  The Namer Boy -- 
                         Documentary Project: 
                                  Season Three #3

                                      by Arthur R Spitzer

Deep, deep down the Legion of Net.Heroes Headquarters Building there was a basement and a number of sub-
sub-basements below even that filled with all types of nightmarish creepy things.  And if you could manage 
to have the courage to trek your way down to the 237th sub-sub basement you'd find a hotel.  A hotel called 
the Sub-sub-basementlook Hotel.  Okay, yes -- perhaps not the best name for a hotel -- but what can you do.

And that's where this story begins.  And it begins with a job interview.

     ***** FIVE Tricks with a Radish That Will Give You Job Interview Success!  Guaranteed!! *****

The manager of the Sub-sub-basementlook Hotel looked at his tightly clenching hands clutching the wooden 
desk he was sitting behind.  Hands desperately trying to hide their trembling shakiness from the cold cruel 
eyes of the world.  Sometimes it felt like there was something behind him.  Something very close that was 
about to touch him.  Always just about to touch him.  But every time he turned around -- it wouldn't be 
there.  But it always felt like it was there.   It was always there.  It would always be there.  He hated 
this place.  And then he looked at the man sitting directly in front of him.  The seventyish year old man 
that he was interviewing for the Caretaker job.  Just ask your questions and hire him.  And then you can 
get out of this place before the elevators stop working.  And maybe go to some other place -- escape this 
place once and for all -- maybe some other hotel will hire you and...

No, don't think about all that.  Just finish this job interview.  Finish it!

"So, Mister," he looked down at the resume, "Axel Dewiefunkid?  Did I say that right?"

"Just call me Axe.  That's what my friends all call me.  Occasionally, The Axe Man and every now and then 
the Axe-inator!  But, Axe -- that's fine."

"Uhuh.  And that's your family sitting over there?" He gestured to the woman in her 70s and a 40 year old 
man that were sitting in a couple of chairs behind Axe."

"Yeah, my wife -- Screamy and my," he let out a weary sigh, "And my kid, Sonny.  Sonny who still lives at 
home despite being 46 years old and can't seem to hold a job for longer than a week."  His son with a very 
embarrassed expression took the magazine he had been reading and moved it up closer so that it could 
completely hide his face.

"Okay.  Fascinating.  And do you have any issues with like drugs or alcohol?  Any problems with those?"

"Umm, no -- well, I used to have some slight problems -- but I've been sober for five months or so.  I mean 
there was this time I was a really mean drunk.  Just really mean -- full of psychopathic rage.  But I got 
help for that.  I've done the various steps and the program.  And now I'm totally sober.  Totally sober.  
For a whole five months.  I mean sure -- I occasionally think about how nice it would be to just get 
incredibly drunk -- totally wasted, but no -- can't do that anymore.  Just have to be sober.  Sober for the 
rest of my life.  Never to drink again.  Not even one little beer.  Not even one tiny, tiny drop.  Not even 
that.  For the rest of my life.  But I'm okay with that.  Yeah.  No drinking problem here.  Nope!"

"Okay that's good and ummm... hmmm... Oh yes -- we kind of had this incident with our last caretaker.  He 
kind of chopped his entire family to death with an axe.  You don't have some great desire to chop your 
family to death with an axe, do you?"

"Hmm, axe my own family to death?  Hmm," Axe pondered that question as if the idea of axing his own family 
to death had never occurred to him.  "I mean sure back in the days when I'd get really, really drunk -- I'd 
get in these like homicidal rages like you do.  But now that I'm sober?  I'm totally at peace.  Can totally 
take my wife's constant nagging about the stupidest of things.  Can take my son being a complete worthless 
loser that I have to support even though he's 46 years old!  46 years old!!  And I'm 75.  I should be 
retired not having to take these stupid hotel caretaker jobs just to support my 46 year old son!  Don't you 
think?  But, hey, I'm okay!  Totally sober.  Five Whole Months!  And this job is only like 5 months of 
being in some isolated hotel with my family -- just need to be sober for 5 more months.  Yeah, I think I 
can do that.  5 months.  Yeah, I think I can go another whole 5 months without a single drink and axing my 
family to death.  Yeah.  I think I can do that.  I think I can!  Totally.  Piece of cake!"

"Well, that's great to hear!  I think that's all I need to ask.  Let's sign these and..."  The hotel 
manager shoved some papers and a pen towards Axe.

But right before Axe could write his signature, his son -- Sonny Dewiefunkid got up out of his chair and 
put his hand up towards his mouth and then began to move it like a puppet while making a growly voice.  "I 
don't trust this guy," he said pointing towards the Hotel Manager.  "If this were an episode of Scooby Doo 
-- he'd be the guy with the rubber mask over his head!  We need to go to the LNHHQ Cafeteria so we can get 
my buddies Pulls-Paper-Out-of-Hats Lad and..."

"Oh, Jesus!  Not now!  Not here!" said Axe clutching his hand to his forehead.  "Stop it!  Sonny!!"

Screamy fumbled around her purse desperately searching for something.  "Did you forget to take your pills, 
Sonny?  You need take your pills everyday, Sonny!  Oh, God!  Where are they?"

"Umm, what's -- what's going on here?" said a very puzzled Hotel Manager.

Axe tried to restrain Sonny.  "My son -- gets these spells -- thinks he's..." And Axe paused for a moment.  
He didn't really want to tell the Hotel Manager who his son thought he was.  In a better world maybe his 
son would at least think he was Napoleon, Jesus, Hitler or something that wasn't so completely stupid.  But 
that wasn't the world that Axe lived in.  Nope, not this one.  Axe gave a heavy sigh and continued.  
"...Thinks he's -- Namer Boy."

"Namer Boy?"

"Yeah, some very obscure member of the LNH.  At least that's what my son tells me.  Jesus!"

"Take this!  Take it!" said Screamy shoving a pill into Sonny's mouth.

"Hey, is everything all right here?" said a concerned elderly African American man that had just stepped 
into the room.  His name was Huck Dolluhrind.  He was the head cook at the hotel.  His right hand had a 
radish in it.  And he raised the radish up so that everyone could see it.  And looked straight at the hotel 
manager.  "You need to hire these folks."

The manager looked at the radish and nodded.  "Yeah, hire.  Hire.  Need to hire..."

             **** Five Famous Celebrities that Secretly Suffer from Nameboyuhneeen! ****

Huck Dolluhrind and Sonny Dewiefunkid were walking through the big food storage room.  Sonny looked at a an 
entire shelf filled with cans of pickled Parsnips.  Big cans.

"Lots of food here.  Should get you folks through the whole off season."

"I guess."  Sonny wondered if there was anything that he could eat without having to gag down as he looked 
at a big can of pickled Eggplant.

"You've got the Namerboyuhneeen.  I can tell.  I've got it too."

"The what -- the Nameboyuh -- what?"

"That's what my gramma used to call it.  The Namerboyuhneeen!  She had it.  And I have it.  And it's a 
little easier now days to have it since Namer Boy is actually a member of the LNH.  I mean back when I 
first got it -- it was way, way before 2004.  I mean try explaining to people how the spirit possessing you 
won't be a member of the LNH till 2004?  Really tough -- explaining that.  Really tough.  At least it's 
easier to explain Namerboyuhneeen now days."

"I guess.  God, it's destroyed my life though.  Can't get a job.  Can't keep a job.  I'm a 46 year old man 
that still lives with his parents.  I can't function with this thing.  I mean I take pills -- but they 
don't really work that well.  How did you manage to make it work?"

"Well, can't really say that I ever managed to make it work.  If not for this thing," he pointed to the 
radish he had in his hand, "I'd probably be like homeless or in prison.  This is what saved my life."

"A radish?"

"Yeah, got it from Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver.  Can use it to ace any job interview and help 
others with their job interviews.  Don't know why she gave me this radish, but who knows why the Miracle 
Pets do what they do.  Just one of the mysteries of the world.  But, yeah, Namerboyuhneeen really sucks.  
Nothing good about it.  Of all the LNH'rs to be possessed by -- why couldn't it have been someone cooler 
like a -- Parking Karma Kid.  Could at least get some good parking from that -- but Namer Boy?  *Sigh*.  
Why that incredibly lame hero that no one cares about...?"

"Hey!" said in unison the growly voices of Huck and Sonny as the Namer Boy persona took over their bodies.

"Sorry," said Huck shaking off his Namer Boy persona.  "Anyhow, this is where all the canned food is at and 
over there's the big meat locker with all the frozen stuff."  Huck looked at his watch.  "Am I forgetting 
something.  Oh, right!  All the evil spirits that hang around the hotel?  Try to not worry about them.  
They're mostly harmless."

"Evil Spirits?"

"Yeah, they're harmless.  As long as you don't fear them or think they can harm you -- they won't harm you.  
Just try to ignore them and show absolutely no fear.  No fear -- and they won't be able to harm you."

"Wait.  But what if I show fear?"

"Then you're totally screwed.  You're going to die a very horrible death if you do that!  So don't show any 
fear!  Don't show it!  The only way they can harm you is if you think they can harm you!  So -- don't do 
that!  I mean it's probably best that you stay in the safer parts of the hotel and avoid the dangerous 

"Wait!  What are the safe parts and the dangerous parts!"

"Just avoid the parts where the evil spirits like to hang out it.  Don't go to those parts.  And definitely 
never ever EVER go into room 237 or hmm... is that 273?   Well, don't go into that room either.  Just try 
to avoid any room with the numbers 2, 3, and 7.  Okay?"

"I uh -- guess?"

"Well, anyways hope you and your folks have a great time here.  I've got to be going.  Need to get out of 
this place before the elevators to the outside world shut down."

"Wait!  Why are the elevators shutting down?"

"Usually around this time of year the sub-sub basements above ours get into these very blizzardy conditions 
that cause a number of problems with like the elevators and phone lines and so on... but I wouldn't worry.  
There's a ham radio that sometimes works if you get into real trouble.  Well, off to vacation -- bye!"

"Wait!  Wait!!  Wait!!!"

               **** 69 Surefire Strategies for Beating Writer's Block Baldness! ****

A month later...

God.  This place was very boring, thought Sonny to himself.  No internet access.  On the TV, only one 
channel seemed to be working -- which seemed to have Dr. Boring discussing economics to an entire room of 
either sleeping people -- or perhaps dead people 24 hours not stop.

His mom just seemed to be cleaning the same bathroom sink over and over again.  And his dad seemed to be 
sitting in the hotel bar having some conversation with some imaginary bartender.  He really should find all 
the sharp objects in this place and hide them.  That would probably be a good idea.  Yes.

But he hadn't seen any ghost or evil spirits yet.  Maybe that was because he'd avoided going into most of 
the rooms.  But, God, it was starting to get really boring.  Maybe he could try writing something.  That 
had been his dream.  To be a writer.  Although other than some stories set in the Teenage Disco Vampire 
Barbershop Quartet Net.Force Shared Universe, he hadn't really done much.  And he couldn't think of what to 
write about.  All his old ideas just didn't seem so great.  And the only ideas he currently had were about 
stories involving middle aged failures living with their parents.  And who'd want to read that garbage?

He couldn't do any writing with his current laptop.  Some of the keys just weren't working.  And then he 
noticed a typewriter on one of the hotel lobby's tables.  It had been a long time since he'd seen one of 
those things.  He remembered back in seventh grade (or was it eighth grade?) having a typing class using 
those things.  Maybe he could give it a try.

Hmm.  There was a piece of paper with some writing already on it.  He pulled the paper out and started to 
read it.  "All work and no play makes Can't-Think-Of-A-Good-Name-For-This-Character a dull boy."  And the 
entire sheet of paper had that same sentence over and over again.  "What the hell?  Namer Boy!  Did you 
write this?"

Sonny put his hand up to his mouth and Namer Boy's growly voice came out.  "Umm?  Maybe?  Okay, yeah -- I 
did.  Sorry.  Got this bad case of Namer Block -- so I couldn't think of a good name for the character -- 
so I..."

"Why are you writing the same sentence over and over?  Don't do that!  My parents already think I'm a whack 
job!  They don't need more proof!"

"Sorry!  Was kind of bored.  You know what we should do is go to the LNH Cafeteria.  Maybe Pulls-Paper-Out-
of-Hats Lad and You're-Not-Hitting-Me-Hard-Enough Boy will be there and we can have some superhero team-up 
with them and take on some supervillains and..."

"The Elevators don't work!  There's a big blizzard happening on the sub-sub basement above us!  We're stuck 
here!  And even if we weren't -- You're not Namer Boy!  You're some mentally ill part of me that I can't 
get rid of -- even though I very much want to!  God!  Why can't you just disappear once and for all so I 
can be free of you!  God.  *Sigh*.  Why can't I be a normal person.  Why?!"

"Umm... sorry!"

    **** wReamicus Maximus's Seven Chest Hair Shaving Techniques That Will Impress Your Friends! ****

Sonny looked at the number on the door.  237.  Why was he standing outside this door?  Had Namer Boy taken 
over his body?  "Why are we outside this door?  Namer Boy?  We're not supposed to go into this room!"

"Yeah, I know that head cook guy told us not to go into this room.  But maybe -- he was trying to hide 
something.  Maybe the only way we can solve this mystery of this hotel is to go into this room and check it 
out.   I think we should do that."

"No!  I don't care about solving this hotel's mystery or whatever!  There are bad spooky things in that 
room!  I'm not going into that room!  That's final!"

"You don't know if there are spooky things in that room.  Besides the head cook guy said that as long as we 
don't fear the things or think that they can harm us -- they can't harm us!"

"And you believe him about that -- but don't trust him about not going into that damn room?!"

"Come on.  Let's just take a quick little look.  Just..." And Sonny's hand under Namer Boy's control turned 
the knob and pushed the door open.  No, don't want to do this, Sonny thought to himself.  So far nothing to 
bad.  It looked like your typical hotel room.  Wait.  Was that some sound coming from the bathroom?  A 
splash?  And his body began heading in that direction and Sonny couldn't stop it.  There was a shower 
curtain that was fully covering the bath tub.  And his hand began to reach for the shower curtain.  No!  
Don't do this!  Don't pull the curtain!  I don't want to see what's behind it!  No!!!!   NO!!!!!!!!!

But the Namer Boy part of him seemed to have complete control over his hand.  Relax, can't solve the 
mystery if we don't see what's behind... And the hand pulled the curtain completely open and revealed...

Oh, God.  Sonny backed away from the bath tub.  It was -- it was...

...A completely naked man and a sabertooth tiger wearing a bowtie -- and they were taking a bubble bath 
together -- and the naked man looked like Charlie Sheen!

"Hey!  What the fuck!" said a very irritated looking Charlie Sheen.  "I'm trying take a bubble bath with my 
pet Sabertooth!  And shave all of my chest hair!  You some kind of peeping tom pervert?!"

"You're -- you're dead!" said a trembling Sonny just pointing at Charlie Sheen.

"Dead?  Hmm.  Don't think so," said Charlie Sheen and then he paused a bit as if taking some time to ponder 
that question.  "Pretty sure I'm still alive.  I think so."  He looked at his pet sabertooth.  "I'm still 
alive, right?"

Binky the bowtie wearing sabertooth gave a slight shrug.

"Pretty sure I'm still alive.  So what the fuck do you want -- why are you bothering me?  You want chest 
shaving tips?  Life advice?  Come on -- stop wasting my fucking time."

"Um, what?  Life advice?"  Sonny was still in shock.

"Okay, then.  I'll impart some of my great wisdom on you.  You're like some loser that still lives with his 
folks, right?  At least that's what I gathered from chatting with your Dad."

"What?  You've been talking to my Dad?"

"Yeah, I get the feeling he's close to completely losing it.  Going full psycho.  About ready to axe you to 
death.  My advice?  Axe him to death first.  He'll never see that coming."

"What!?  Are you crazy?  I'm not going to axe my dad to death!  This is insane!"

"Hey.  You're funeral.  Need any other advice?  Like about how you should never ever EVER do drugs (unless 
they're like very high quality -- or you're really, really bored)?"

"No!  What the hell am I doing here?  Need to get out of here!!  Get out of here!!!"  And Sonny made his 
way quickly towards the door.

"And fucking shut that door!  Shut it!! Fucking tourists!!" And Charlie Sheen looked at the razor in his 
hand.  "What the fuck was I shaving again?"

Binky gave another shrug and lapped a bit more out of his big drinking bowl filled with Chardonnay.

                        ***** 13 WEIRD Life Threatening Emergencies That Will 
                              Help Slim Down That Tummy of Yours in No Time! *****

Sonny looked down at all of the broken glass on the floor and then at the 'Break Glass in Case of 
Emergency' box attached to the hallway.  There used to be an axe in that, but now there wasn't.  Fuck.  Why 
was the axe missing?  Who had taken that axe?  Did his Dad have an axe now?  Jesus!  No, stop thinking like 
that!  There had to be some perfectly good explanation about why that fire axe was gone.  Had to be!  Just 
calm down and...

"We should probably find ourselves a weapon," said Namer Boy using Sonny's growly voice.  "Something better 
than an axe -- like maybe a grenade launcher..."

"Grenade Launcher?  Where the hell do you think are?!"

"Oh, yeah -- right!  This isn't the LNHHQ -- is it?  Man, there are always a ton of grenade launchers 
everywhere you turn in the LNHHQ.  I remember this one time me and Building Suspense Lad were..."

"Stop it!" said Sonny taking back control.  "We don't have anything here that's a better weapon than an axe 
-- and this is just insane.  I'm not going to listen to all your crazy talk anymore.  We're going to see if 
my Mom and Dad are all right.  That's what we're going to do!  We're doing that!"

"Okay.  Seems like a very terrible..."

"Enough!"  And so they started searching for his parents.  The ballroom and bar were empty.  So was the 
lobby.  He made his way to his parents room and looked at the door which was slightly open.  "Mom... Dad... 
you there?"  No answer.

Oh, God, he thought pushing the door open.  And there was some guy.  An old guy in a priest outfit.  An old 
guy in a priest outfit with an axe in his hand.  An axe dripping blood.  "Oh, hey -- are you Sonny?  Your 
parents hired me to help you with that whole Namerboyuheeen problem.  Father Spill."  Father Spill held out 
his hand as if he was hoping Sonny would shake it.

"What the...?  Help me with my...?"

"I'm the Namerboyuhcist.  I'm going to get that Namer Boy right out of you.  Don't worry, son."

"Okay.  Umm... where -- are my parents?"

"Well," Father Spill said with a slightly sheepish look, "Had a slight miscommunication with them.  Yeah.  
I think they got the mistaken idea that I was like an Exorcist.  It happens all the time.  People think 
that you'll just read like Latin out of the Bible and that will take care of the Namer Boy demon.  Thing is 
-- doesn't work that way.  Nope.  Namer Boy -- well, he just doesn't understand Latin.  Not a clue."

"Hey, I know some Latin -- like et cetera -- that's Latin, right?  Or -- is that Italian?  Hmm..."

"Stopthatstopthat!" said Sonny taking back control.  "Where.  Are.  My -- Parents?"

"So, here's the thing.  In order to Namerboyuhcise the Namer Boy demon right out of you -- it's a very 
involved process.  There are like chains.  There's a bed.  Holy water.  And ummm -- yeah."  Father Spill 
looked at the bloody axe in his hand.  "There's an axe.  And there's me using that axe to chop that wicked 
Namer Boy spirit right out of you.  And I don't think your parents were really with that *whole* concept.  
But I have this very important mission to stop the evil of the Namer Boy from spreading across the world.  

"Where -- are my -- *PARENTS*!!!?"

"They're kind of all over the floor.  In bits and pieces.  Sorry about that.  There was just no talking 
sense into them.  But.  Anyways -- we should probably get this whole thing started.  You should strip out 
of your clothes till you're as naked as Adam and Eve (pre-fig leaf continuity).  And then I'll chain you up 
to the bed and then we can..."

"Hmm.  I think we should probably be running," interrupted the growly voice of Namer Boy.

"Yeah, no shit noshit!!" said Sonny slamming the door behind him and racing through the hotel hallway.

                **** You Won't Believe What FIN FANFIC FOOM Looks Like Nowadays! ****

Huck Dolluhrind was completely relaxed -- lying on the bed of his motel room.  On the TV was FIN FANFIC 
FOOM playing against two gigantic Swedish bikini clad twins in Destructive Cityscape Volleyball in the city 
of TikTokyo.  FIN FANFIC FOOM had quite the dad bod going on.  Huck slowly pulled his boxers off.  Various 
TikTokyo citizens screamed in horror as the gigantic volleyball bulldozed the buildings surrounding them.

And then Huck felt a huge jab of pain slicing through his head.  It was the kid's Namerboyuhneeen trying to 
communicate with his own Namerboyuhneeen.  He was in bad trouble.  Huck looked at his watch.  There was no 
way he'd get there in time.  And since he couldn't really get there in time -- no sense in getting out of 
bed and putting some clothes on.  No sense in doing that.  Nope

I mean I guess he could call the Sub-sub Basement Ax Homicide Crime Unit.  I guess he could do that much at 
least.  They'd probably take care of the mess.  Maybe.

Huck sighed as he picked up his phone -- eyes still glued to the television set.

           **** Eight Holiday Miracle Pet Bedroom Decorating Tricks You've Never Tried! ****

Where to go.  Maybe he could lock a bathroom door -- crawl out the window?  Maybe shove Axe Priest into 
like the Meat locker?  He tried to open another door.  Locked.  Why were all these rooms locked?  Did he 
have the keys to any of them?  Where were the keys?

Told you we should've gotten a grenade launcher...

Shutupshutup!  Oh, wait.  The door knob to one of the hotel rooms was turning.  Finally.  He opened the 
door.  And...

Sonny just stared with confused horror as he looked inside that room.  Oh, God.  What the...?

The room was filled with people.  People wearing masks.  People wearing Holiday Miracle Pet masks.  He 
could see a person with an Eggplant the Easter Miracle Komodo Dragon mask orally pleasuring a person 
wearing a Cabbage the St. Patrick's Day Miracle Ferret mask.  And that was the most wholesome of the acts 
he was witnessing.  The others -- you don't even want to know (No.  You really don't).  And then all of the 
people stopped what they were doing -- and just looked at Sonny.  They just stared at him -- like he was 
the rudest person ever for interrupting their Holiday Miracle Pet Cosplay Orgy.  And they stared.

"Hey, there you are!"  It was the voice of Father Spill.  Sonny turned around.  This was all too much.  
"Say -- what the...?"  Father Spill hesitated as if he was also trying to comprehend what exactly was 
happening as he gazed into the room.  "What the H-E Double Hockey Sticks is going on here?  This is not 
right!  This is very..."

And then Sonny looked back into the room wondering which of these two horrors was the greater one.  And 
then he noticed that the person in the Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet mask had a grenade launcher 
and was raising and pointing it at... Oh God!  Sonny quickly ducked for cover!

Father Spill on the other hand was not as fortunate.  And there was a huge BOOM!

When Sonny woke up his ears were ringing.  And he couldn't hear anything else.  But he could smell the 
smoke.  He coughed.  Was he alive?  God.  He slowly got up and looked around.  Tons of damage.  And blood.  
And bits and pieces of Father Spill all over everything.  And he saw the axe and quickly grabbed it.  And 
for some insane reason he made his way back to Holiday Miracle Pet Orgy Room clutching that axe.  He looked 
inside it.  And he saw a bunch of lifeless bodies of the various masked individuals.  No life.  He looked 
at the person that was wearing the Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet mask lying on the floor next to 
the grenade launcher.

"Oh, man!  Bet you that's the Hotel Manager.  Bet you anything!  We need to pull that mask off!"

"Whaah...? no Nononononononono!!!!!  Don't do it!  Don't do it!  Don't!!!! Ohgodohgod!!!!"

"Sorry, but I gotta know!"  And Sonny watched in horror as his body started lurching out of his control 
towards the person wearing the Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet mask.  Tears streamed out of his 
eyes.  Don't want to know!  Don't want to know!  His trembling hand got closer and closer to the mask.  No!  
NO!  NOOOO!!!!!  His hand touched the mask and it pinched the mask.

And it pulled the mask off.  Right off.

And it was a skull beneath the mask.  And there was something moving inside that skull.  Sonny didn't want 
to know what that horrible creature was that was in the skull.  But the Looniverse wasn't going to give him 
that tender mercy.  No.  It was going to show Sonny that creature shuffling inside the skull.  Something 
candy corn colored and ancient.  And Sonny could see it peaking it's way out of the skull's eye socket.  Oh 
God.  No.

It was...

It was a bird.

It was...

A parakeet!

It was...

      \\                                       ******                                    \\        
 .-'```^```'-.                                                                      .-'```^```'-. 
/   /\ __ /\  \                                                                    /   /\ __ /\  \   
|   ^^ \/ ^^  |     ******    Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet!    ******    |   ^^ \/ ^^  | 
\   \_.__._/  /                                                                    \   \_.__._/  / 
 `'-.......-'`                                                                      `'-.......-'`  

And it shot right out of that skull's eye socket with a horrible screech -- flying off to the Darkness of 
Our Very Being Knows Where!

And it was gone.  Gone.

"Weird.  Didn't expect that!" said Namer Boy's growly voice flowing out of Sonny's hand.  "Thought it was 
definitely going to be the Hotel Manager.  Oh, well.  Can't be right all the time."

And then Sonny got control of his body again.  And he began to scream and scream and scream.

Sonny did a lot of screaming as he fell to the floor.

A lot of screaming.

        ***** This Amazing Trick With An Eggbeater Will Help You Solve ANY Homicide! *****

Another day -- another Ax Homicide, mused Inspector Sub-Subastion flicking a cigarette butt from his hand 
towards the floor and crushing it with his heel.  And then he took a swig from a flask from one of his 
pockets and looked at the pieces of Father Spill all across the hotel floor.  He looked at the man by the 
name Sonny Dewiefunkid huddled in a corner looking very terrified.  His father had been hired to be 
caretaker and the man claimed that this (what was left of the Priest) guy had axed his father and his 
mother to death.  "And this Priest guy -- who hacked your parents to death -- how did he die, again -- just 
so I'm clear about all this?  What was it?"

"I told you -- there were these... umm... people wearing masks.  Holiday Miracle Pet masks.  One of them 
had a grenade launcher and... Oh god.. he was the one who did it... god..."

"Right.  And they just -- what?  Disappeared.  Leaving you here all alone?"

"I don't know!  They were here.  And then they were all gone!  I don't even think they were alive!  The one 
that shot the grenade launcher -- I pulled his mask off.  And it was a skull.  And Pumpkin the Halloween 
Miracle Parakeet flew out of it!!   She flew out of the skull!!!!  I'm not making this up!!  Really!!!"

"So, a holiday miracle pet flew out of the skull of the guy that shot this Priest guy.  Wow.  This sounds 
SO incredibly plausible.  I don't think I've ever heard any story since all the time I've been doing the Ax 
Homicide Beat that sounds as so incredibly plausible as this one.  So, any other witnesses to this SO 
incredibly plausible story of yours?  Anyone?"

"I was there too," said Sonny's growling hand as the Namer Boy persona finally showed up.  "Look, no 
offense -- but I think you guys are way out of your depth on this one.  I think you should call the LNH -- 
and they can send my good pal Deductive Logic Man down here.  He'll get this whole situation settled.  I 
mean he's like a zillion times better than you guys.  I mean no offense, but he is!"

"Well.  This keeps getting better and better.  And you are?"

"Sorrysorry," said Sonny shaking off Namer Boy's control over him.  "I have this condition.  It's called 
Namerboyuhneeen.  It's something I have absolutely no control over."

"Namerboyuhwhatsa?  What the...?"

"Namer-Boy-Uh-Neeen.  Sometimes I think I'm Namer Boy."

The Inspector gave a look.

"He's a member of the LNH!"

The Inspector gave another look.

"No, really!  There's a member of the LNH called Namer Boy.  There really is!  I'm not making that up!  
Check the LNH Wiki!  Check it!!"

"Uhuh.  Sure."  Cleary this guy was complete nut job.  But on the other hand there was always weird stuff 
going on sub-sub basement 237.  There had been a number of other axe homicides here.  Not to mention the 
Priest Guy's death was a grenade launcher homicide -- so they should have really sent the Grenade Launcher 
Homicide Unit for this one.  He shouldn't be having to solve this one.  And he had forgotten his egg beater 
-- so there was no way he was going to be solving this one today.

"Inspector!  I think I found something!  Look!"  The patrol man handed Inspector Sub-Subastion a framed 
picture.  The Inspector stared at it.

"Well, this is... Hmm..." the Inspector gazed at the photo in silence for a bit and then handed it to 
Sonny.  "Can you explain this?"

Sonny looked as 'Midnight, The Stars, And You' by Ray Noble and his Orchestra started to play away in the 
background.  It was a black and white picture with a number of people in tuxedos.  Most of them were 
wearing Holiday Miracle Pet masks.  The only people who didn't have masks on were Charlie Sheen (who didn't 
have a tuxedo -- or for that matter any clothing on), Binky the Sabertooth, Namer Boy -- and finally... 
him.  Sonny.  He was in the picture.  Wearing a tuxedo.  Smiling.  And he looked down at the date of the 

                                    'October 31, 1921'

"Well," said the Inspector with a very gruff voice.

"I don't know!  I don't know what this mean!  I don't know what any of this means!  It's all insane!  All 
of this is completely insane!!!!  Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!"

"Sure, sure.  Uhuh."  The Inspector took another swig from his flask.


FIN FANFIC FOOM -- Saxon Brenton
That Pumpkin ASCII drawing I stole off the internet -- 
Not quite sure, but it had the initials lbd on it.

wReamicus Maximus, Deductive Logic Man -- wReam

Parking Karma Kid -- Steve Simmons

Dr. Boring -- ???

Namer Boy -- Mine (and the rest)
Axe Dewiefunkid
Screamy Dewiefunkid
Sonny Dewiefunkid
Huck Dolluhrind
Father Spill
Radish the Valentine's Day Miracle Beaver
Pumpkin the Halloween Miracle Parakeet
Binky the Bowtie Wearing Sabertooth
Inspector Sub-Subastion

Writer Notes:

And another one of these.

In this one I'm tapping into my own private nightmares of 2014/2015 where I was doing various stuff to 
destroy my life and kind of got close to running out of money and being homeless.  There were plenty of 
moments back then when I'd think to myself -- which would be worse?  Moving back home and living with my 
parents or prison?  Fortunately in my case, I managed to get my old job back -- and year later had some 
financial luck -- so there was a light at the end of the tunnel in my case and hopefully its something I 
will never ever have to deal with -- but obviously its something that really, really sucks for those that 
aren't as lucky.  (Wonders if anyone has ever done that premise for a horror movie?)

There will probably be a fourth one of these next year (assuming I manage to make it October '22 -- fingers 
crossed) -- Something probably called -- The Blood Scrawled Crystal Skull of the Namer Boy Documentary 
Project or something like that.

So, until then..

Arthur "Happy Halloween!" Spitzer

More information about the racc mailing list